Why do so many divorced dads over-compensate re their kids ?

[Thomasina2021]

Myself and two of my close friends in blended families have noticed this.

My dp is sooooo anxious and eager to please his teenage kids , he literally turns into their servant when they stay!

Why is this ?? Anyone know - guilt? I don’t think women do it ! Just men .. it really puts me off him tbh !

They’re usually worried their kids will vote with their feet and not visit. Unfortunately this can lead to manipulate behaviour from the kids, as it did with my dh’s kids. They’re now adults and play him like fiddle.

@Ibizafun

They’re usually worried their kids will vote with their feet and not visit. Unfortunately this can lead to manipulate behaviour from the kids, as it did with my dh’s kids. They’re now adults and play him like fiddle.

But why more worried than the mum ? My dp has his kids half the time basically ..

Yes, his eldest (how an adult )you can literally see him getting a thrill from playing him (
It does make me wonder how the children of men who do this will be in adult intimate relationships

I think it’s a determination not to be painted as the sperm guy who can never have enough, pay enough, see enough or do enough for the kids by virtue of penis.
There are people on these boards who believe that no matter what, Dad is a automatically the baddie. It must be out there in the real world too.

The man you describe is The Disney Dad - he’s terrified of losing contact, so every access weekend has to be Teenage Paradise (no discipline, boundaries, house rules etc) so that he can be absolutely sure his child will definitely want to keep visiting. This doesn’t work so well for anyone else in the household, it completely screws the dynamics when the child is put on a pedestal.

This strategy backfired terribly for my DH, his son lost respect for him during the Disney years and they only see each other probably once a year, even pre COVID.

@Ibizafun

They’re usually worried their kids will vote with their feet and not visit. Unfortunately this can lead to manipulate behaviour from the kids, as it did with my dh’s kids. They’re now adults and play him like fiddle.

I don't think it's just this. I think there's a lot of guilt about not being with them all the time and wanting to show intense love to them. I do a lot of little things for my kids to show them how much I love them. I suspect i would be like this if my kids were away from me half the time.

It's guilt parenting and wanting to be seen as the good one - especially if the dcs mum is toxic, then they get to play rescuer in the drama triangle.

My DH seems to be quite unusual compared to lots of dads on step parenting board. He actually does have boundaries and expects my lovely dss to do what he's told and have respect for me. It means I can treat him like my own dc and not have to walk on eggshells in my home. This stops resentment and dss knows where he stands. That's not to say he's not ever naughty or tries to manipulate DH - but that's normal and my dc are not perfect either. We've had to work hard on not getting defensive about each others parenting and talk about everything so it doesn't build up on both sides. Some dad's just aren't emotionally intelligent to realise they're not doing their dc any favours by not actually parenting them.

Dad's are usually the NRP which has a bearing on the situation. Harder to understand if access is more 50/50.

I think the whole Disney Dad thing is massively exaggerated on MN mind.

@Madmaxx14

It's guilt parenting and wanting to be seen as the good one - especially if the dcs mum is toxic, then they get to play rescuer in the drama triangle.

My DH seems to be quite unusual compared to lots of dads on step parenting board. He actually does have boundaries and expects my lovely dss to do what he's told and have respect for me. It means I can treat him like my own dc and not have to walk on eggshells in my home. This stops resentment and dss knows where he stands. That's not to say he's not ever naughty or tries to manipulate DH - but that's normal and my dc are not perfect either. We've had to work hard on not getting defensive about each others parenting and talk about everything so it doesn't build up on both sides. Some dad's just aren't emotionally intelligent to realise they're not doing their dc any favours by not actually parenting them.

My ex husband is like this with our kids - he’s just his own self , firm but fair and fun and kind

I feel it’s guilt for them being children of divorced parents too

Someone said it doesn’t make for a great relationship going forward with their kids ? I have actually had to say to my dp ‘what are you doing !?’ when his da actually had him weighing out exactly 50g pasta when he was making dss a packed lunch !! I couldn’t believe it , it was really upsetting!

@stout01
I think the whole Disney Dad thing is massively exaggerated on MN mind.
Interesting comment, what do you mean when you say it is massively exaggerated?

[quote sassbott]@stout01
I think the whole Disney Dad thing is massively exaggerated on MN mind.
Interesting comment, what do you mean when you say it is massively exaggerated?[/quote]
I find it hard to believe that some of the stories you read on here are a regular occurence. Perhaps they happen occasionally but I think isolated incidents are relayed as if a regular occurrence.

Its a toxic term and to be honest it's a real eye roller for me.

Ok @stout01. Well I’ll say this much. There are many sections of Mumsnet I could go onto and say find what I think it relayed hard to believe.

So as an example, I had children and never suffered from PND. Should I therefore say that I find it hard to believe what posters write in those threads are regular occurrences? It’s one thing to have no personal experience of something.
It’s an entirely different matter to come on and question the validity of what posters are writing.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man who was a NRP. His behaviour as a ‘Disney dad’ was something I would personally never have believed could happen. And yet it did. So as someone who has personally lived through and experienced many of the behaviours people describe on here, my personal experience tells me a few things.

1. it is far more common than people realise
2. people don’t realise it’s common because not enough of them are talking about it
3. then they talk about and people come along and say ‘no, I don’t believe that happens’ (so basically telling people it must be made up).
4. effectively people get silenced and the circle continues.

It does happen. I worked with a counsellor who specialises in step family dynamics. It’s so common.

So please don’t negate people’s experiences. It’s rude.

Oh and I’ll add. The main perpetrators of ‘thats toxic’ is normally the NRP’s themselves who push back hard when their partner questions why they orientate their whole worlds around their children.
The NRP’s very rarely address / recognise their behaviour, often making their partner question their own experience and sanity. It moves into borderline gaslighting territory. Which anywhere else on here would be termed emotional abuse. Unless you’re a SM. Then, you’re just overreacting /making it up/ jealous of the children or some other nonsense.

Yeah. Not enough eye rolls for comments like that really.

Perhaps it is not guilt but the pain that comes when a man loses full time involvement in the life of his children. Many men , when they have children, expect to be present 24/7 in the life of their children as they grow up. For many that view is part and parcel of the view that they had of themselves as a father. I suspect when that is no longer their reality, they feel a sense of loss and failure.

I do not think that they are trying to buy the love or presence of their children , but it is more a reaction to their sense of separation from the children for whom their plan was to be a 24/7 presence in the life of those children.
Guilt and shame are not always bad feelings; sometimes those are the feelings that stop us from repeating our mistakes.

Men are typically the ones to leave the family home , and rarely do they take their children with them. Ironically, in many states, the law would not become involved in a situation where pre custody decision a father when leaving the home decides to take his children with him , and yet few man care enough to take their kids with them. They may rant and rave about how bad or toxic the ex might be, but they never think that the situation is so bad that they should take their children with them as they leave that " toxic situation. Toxicity may be bad for them , but it is reasonable to them to leave their children in the care of a toxic person.

Most women take their children when they leave a bad or toxic situation and as such do not have the same feeling of shame and failure as a parent.

One can hardly blame a man for wanting to make the most of the time that he has with his children and to try to cram as much into that limited time.

I don't wonder so much why men act the way that they do as I find it baffling why women try to change the men who feel or act differently than the women find acceptable. It is far easier to say that our views of parenting are not compatible, and we should look for more compatible mates and partners.
It is a lot less stressful to find a compatible partner than to try to mold a incompatible partner into your particular view of an acceptable parent.

Because they want to look like the good guy 😂 and guilt and if they DC have a toxic mother that's saying really bad stuff about them they have to prove them wrong at all costs to the DC so that means not telling them off and letting them get away with bad and rude behaviour so it makes them look the good guy !

@stout01 let me tell you it's NOT massively exaggerated.
My exh tried to be a Disney Dad & both I & his dw pulled him up on it.
First relationship I had post divorce I ended due to his Disney Dading his teenage dd. Second relationship I had I also ended due to his Disney Dading his young dd. Third relationship I had I ended due to him realising too late how the Disney Dading had turned his teens into expert manipulators.
My best friend (no dc herself) ended two relationships for the same reason, subsequently refused to date anyone with dc & is now happily married to a man who also has no dc (wish I'd taken a leaf out of her book!).

It's everywhere.
I'm sure some of it is down to missing the dc, but that's the harsh reality of divorce - both parents have to sacrifice time with their dc.
More of it is down to toxic exes who bad mouth dad & his choices so dad then feels he needs to work extra hard to prove the dm wrong.
And even more of it is that no matter what the reasons for, or circumstances behind a split, society in general tends to blame the man & favour the sanctified mother. Men are (nearly) always seen as having 'left' the family when most of the time that's not actually the case. This generalised attitude to splits being the fault of the man puts many decent fathers on the defensive & as a pp pointed out, they often don't have the emotional intelligence to see that their easygoing, fun, 'don't piss the poor dc off in case they stop wanting to see me' style of parenting is actually doing the dc a massive disservice.

The norm is not 50/50 yet for many men. Most often they have far less time to spend with their kids and I think so try to 'make up' for this. EOW and one midnight week still seems to be what happens for most- usually due to their work hours, which have never previously had to consider childcare as usually the mother takes on that role. The need to still be loved, and have the kids want to come, can sometimes result in over parenting out of fear I think.

[quote Magda72]@stout01 let me tell you it's NOT massively exaggerated.
My exh tried to be a Disney Dad & both I & his dw pulled him up on it.
First relationship I had post divorce I ended due to his Disney Dading his teenage dd. Second relationship I had I also ended due to his Disney Dading his young dd. Third relationship I had I ended due to him realising too late how the Disney Dading had turned his teens into expert manipulators.
My best friend (no dc herself) ended two relationships for the same reason, subsequently refused to date anyone with dc & is now happily married to a man who also has no dc (wish I'd taken a leaf out of her book!).

It's everywhere.
I'm sure some of it is down to missing the dc, but that's the harsh reality of divorce - both parents have to sacrifice time with their dc.
More of it is down to toxic exes who bad mouth dad & his choices so dad then feels he needs to work extra hard to prove the dm wrong.
And even more of it is that no matter what the reasons for, or circumstances behind a split, society in general tends to blame the man & favour the sanctified mother. Men are (nearly) always seen as having 'left' the family when most of the time that's not actually the case. This generalised attitude to splits being the fault of the man puts many decent fathers on the defensive & as a pp pointed out, they often don't have the emotional intelligence to see that their easygoing, fun, 'don't piss the poor dc off in case they stop wanting to see me' style of parenting is actually doing the dc a massive disservice. [/quote]
Fair points. I would agree with a lot of that. Its a spiral downwards of toxic behaviour I suppose.
My experience has been that strict discipline by myself has been pounced upon by my ex as a reason to say the kids dont want to come etc. It's a damned if you do / dont situation.

Sassbott- I'm not saying Disney Dad parenting doesnt take place just questioning how widely its thrown around on these forums and how quickly men are condemned as Disney Dad.

I wonder if it's partly because the Disneydad had a hands off father. So learned little of how to care for DCs other than providing stuff for them, earning an income.
So they don't know what being a hands on DF is or how to just give time and attention to their own DCs rather than giving them things.

I wouldn't say its material wise the Disney dad falls down on. IMO its more that anything the dc wants they get - to stay up later/only activities that they want to do/inappropriate age material/not having consequences for bad behaviour. Its anything including material things that Disney dad gives in to at the expense of all other people in the household.

We know that numerous psychological studies have shown that dc need warm loving boundaries to thrive. The parent and step parent needs to be a team and not be able to be played off by any of the DC step or bio for them to feel safe and happy. The Disney dad doesn't understand that by saying no, helping his dc learn consequences and being the parent with the other adult in the house he's actually damaging his DC and they dont grow up feeling safe and happy with their dad.

Gosh this is all so interesting

Yes the phenomenon isn’t just re money . I have seen it with my dp and his dd, she acts like the (dominant ) wife - as her mum was in that family dynamic .

Despite being bad for our relationship, I feel like t will have big impact on his dd life relationships tbh

@Magda72 can I ask why you ended the first relationship ?
I do wonder if I can or want to cope with dp’s odd treatment of his dd as it is just so strange sometimes - he asks her permission to do things !

@Thomasina2021 You DP sounds exactly the same as mine! I made a thread last year about it and things have not improved at all.

In our case the ex wife weaponised the children and made DH take her to court for contact. Shortly after he got contact EOW she started the parental alienation.

His eldest adult daughter has been shown that the way to get what you want is to bully, intimidate and manipulate people and now she's an utterly horrible young woman. The way she's spoken to my husband over the years has horrified me on occasion.

Now he's finally stopped the Disney dad stuff and pushed back she's withholding contact just as she has done in the past.

I have no shame in saying our life is much more pleasant when she's ignoring us because she's so high conflict that it's the only reasonable course of action for us

[quote ketchupplease]@Thomasina2021 You DP sounds exactly the same as mine! I made a thread last year about it and things have not improved at all. [/quote]
Ooh could you link pls?

It’s bad because I am avoiding doing anything with all the kids because it is so annoying and stressful