[quote sassbott]@TenaciousOnePointOne what I mean by prioritising an intimate adult relationship is simply this. Giving it the attention it needs - in the main emotionally. I am a RP, albeit 60% of overnight staying contact is with me. But the bulk of day to day care/ feeding/ schooling falls to me - I organise (and pay for) the nanny 100% of the time. My exh is fantastic, but make no bones, the majority of the weekly grind falls to me to sort.
Despite that, in my last relationship I was able to still prioritise my partner. I freed time to help him prep for court, write statements, even attend court. I was able to emotionally prioritise him - listen, support and be there. Most importantly I was able to be present and enjoy my time with him (and my life on the whole), when my children were not with me. My children (despite being the RP) did not come first all the time.
If I was in a situation whereby I didn’t think I could support a partner, be present and actually bring something positive to their lives and be available to build an intimate relationship (that requires someone having the emotional bandwidth to give), then I wouldn’t be in a relationship. To take from someone and not give back is an intensely selfish thing to do.
@stout01 i have full empathy for people in some of these situations. And to be clear at no point have I said that NRP are dads only, if you read my posts I very clearly state NRP (not dads), hence my wording around ‘metaphorically speaking’. What I mean when I say grow a pair and own it is exactly that. Own it. Recognise what you’re bringing to the table, be honest with yourself about what capacity you have to give to a relationship. And most critically he super clear about why a toxic ex is doing that they’re doing and why - to basically own you for the rest of your life. It sucks, I feel sorry for people in the situation. But you know what? Own it.
And then be super open and clear about what you can/ cannot bring to the table in a relationship. And what it is then therefore fair to ask a partner to put up with. Because the toxic exes? They’re not the new partners issue. Nor are the emotionally messed up children as a result of the parents conflict.
I offered my exp an option. Parent your children away from me - I get they need a different mode of parenting. That’s your responsibility to fulfil, not mine. Essentially I was telling him to ring fence his intense toxicity of a situation away from my very calm and peaceful home. Then when you don’t have your children, be present with me. There’s an option of creating a home that is free of the never ending drama/ legal battles/ conflict filled emails.
He couldn’t get his head around it. Couldn’t contemplate how I could ask him to set up home with me (when he didn’t have his children) as he didn’t want a home that wasn’t his children’s home. Forget the fact that I was saying you always will need to maintain a separate home for you and your children - all of you need that. He was so emotionally entangled in the dysfunction that it consumed his life. And he wanted it to consume the life of whomever he was with as ‘partners support one another.’
Didn’t matter that the support was one way due to the nature of his situation. So that’s what I mean when I say grow a pair. All of us need to own our baggage, and take responsibility.
And what my ex should have done is say, you’re right, we both want very different things. I love you, you love me, but it’s not going to work so we need to call it a day. What he did? Was tell me something was wrong with me/ I was jealous/ rejecting his children.
The reality? His situation was (and remains) deeply toxic and unhealthy. He wouldn’t (and couldnt) boundary it. He should have owned that, not pushed it to my door and told me to resolve ‘my issues.’ The issues were not mine to resolve.[/quote]
I understand this. In my situation I would be going for the ring fencing until the kids were a bit older so they could all see the situation for what it is and as a minimum be able to make their own decisions (ie at an age to do like my edlest and decide how they want to split their time).
If Ive understood correctly you are saying that he would ring fence when he had his kids and then spend time with you and your kids when he didnt have his own? I would struggle with the idea to be honest. If I was ring fencing my kids I couldnt imagine then being involved that much around somrone else when they had their kids unless perhaps they were adults or not far off. But I'd be more than happy to have a relationship where the partner sees kids perhaps only now and then (pops over in day or maybe an evening). As long as it fely symmetrical-ish. I do realise that could be hard if one partner has their kids all / most of the time.
Blending families seem so hard based on these threads (I know its more likely to be filled with the more difficult aspects as no one really posts to talk about how great things are often).
The dynamics of the resident children and EOW children seem to be a lot of this. I can see it from both sides the Dad over compensating for the EOW children but there does also seem to be resentment towards the EOW children, I'm guessing as women are generally more territorial (not aiming that at anyone in particular but just how it reads from the forum posts).