Why do so many divorced dads over-compensate re their kids ?

[Thomasina2021]

Myself and two of my close friends in blended families have noticed this.

My dp is sooooo anxious and eager to please his teenage kids , he literally turns into their servant when they stay!

Why is this ?? Anyone know - guilt? I don’t think women do it ! Just men .. it really puts me off him tbh !

@Thomasina2021 i don’t think it’s about whether a partner is on the scene with the EXW.

My exp’s EW is engaged and co-habitting. She’s picked a man all too happy to spend all his time and his energy on her children. He shows up to everything, no respect or boundaries around my exp’s role in his own children’s lives.

If anything it made my exp worse. As now he has to contend with another man parenting his children and potentially removing him as daddy. That fear is real and in his own words ‘he lives on a knife edge of fear knowing she wants him removed from his children’s lives.’

So of course with a very real fear like that, how do you ever parent robustly? Or put your partner first? You can’t. His EXW has his balls in her hand. He’s screwed as is any other woman he meets. He’s simply not even close to being remotely available, and if her mind games work. He’ll end up alone and broke.

@Magda72

Yes this is my discomfort but what I think in essence we are considering here is can a partner accept that to avoid the perception that would be spun (and Im pretty sure it would) that Dad is spending more time with his new family than his kids / doesnt care about his own kids etc that our time is more limited. As mentioned up thread I personally would struggle with this as well (more than the perception issue). *@stout01* This is all fine in theory, but what you're essentially saying is that you will not give yourself fully to any relationship where the woman has dc living with her as you are not comfortable with that. There's a number of issues with this. Firstly - dc get more independent as they get older (if you're lucky), but they are still there. My eldest is 24 & very independent but ended up back at home for 6 months due to covid. We get on brilliantly but it was hard. Your or your partner's dc getting older does not mean they will never be around and does not mean they'll never need a bed. Secondly, if you insist on that stance you may miss out on a great relationship. Being around someone else's dc does not have to feel like you're abandoning yours if she's the kind of woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of her own dc. I was & I'm pretty sure *@sassbott* was, & in truth if you you're with a woman who has a good head on her shoulders then she will not expect you to parent or be overly involved - nor will the dc. The reality is that while you might see her dc more you will probably not spend that much quality time with them on a daily basis. It will be very different to the time you spend with your own dc. However, if you feel you cannot overcome this then I really think you are better suited to someone who doesn't have or want dc. There's nothing wrong with this & a very good friend of mine took this stance & is now happily married. Your partner may say she's ok with your plan to move forward & she probably is. But her dc will always be her dc & what do you do if years down the line you've 'blended' & he wants to return home for some reason? How would you handle that? I also think it's very unfair of you to put off blending until her dc is gone but then expect her to 'put up' with your dc. You will put her in exactly the same position you now feel you're in with a possible scenario of her dc feeling uncomfortable as his dm is now 'living with' with your dc. Yes he would be an adult at this point but he may still want to visit for holidays etc. & he will be very aware that you didn't blend until he left home. This sounds like a lecture but I genuinely don't mean it that way. It's advice from someone who has lived through all aspects of similar scenarios.

Magda I appreciate the advice from you and Sassbott. As I appreciate your lived experiences as Ive not had that in this situation.

Think there's misunderstanding though as I would happily embrace partners child. Just talking about how much time for a few years in short term I would see that child eg third of time with my kids, third of time with partner and hers and third on my own.

😂😂😂

@stout01 I properly laughed out loud. And not in a mean way but a funny way. I imagined you with a spreadsheet mapping it all out and allocating a third to each area.

Lordy. You’ve given me much insight to the male brain and it’s been refreshing. Thank you for being honest. It’s actually helped me to reconcile some parts I couldn’t make sense of with the exp, which is super helpful as I try and recover tbh.

He felt the exact same as you do, but couldn’t actually say it out loud. So many missing pieces have fallen into place. I hope he finds someone without children, then he won’t have to divvy his time up so carefully.

@sassbott

😂😂😂

@stout01 I properly laughed out loud. And not in a mean way but a funny way. I imagined you with a spreadsheet mapping it all out and allocating a third to each area.

Lordy. You’ve given me much insight to the male brain and it’s been refreshing. Thank you for being honest. It’s actually helped me to reconcile some parts I couldn’t make sense of with the exp, which is super helpful as I try and recover tbh.

He felt the exact same as you do, but couldn’t actually say it out loud. So many missing pieces have fallen into place. I hope he finds someone without children, then he won’t have to divvy his time up so carefully.

Yeah I do have this neurotic side which intentionally sometimes and sometimes unintentionally makes people laugh.

I work in a branch of accountancy and love a spreadsheet. Anyway all the best!

@sassbott blimey hadn’t thought of that dynamic happening and can totally imagine how that would make my dp a million times more anxious about it all !

@stout01

I've mentioned ring fencing my situation. I wouldn't involve anyone else until I had under control. Mine isn't too toxic. I think my ex is misguided in thinking that she gets to decide every aspect of the kids lives including their time with Dad and the rules at Dads. Hence after two years Ive decided to pursue a contact order to agree the time I spend with the kids.

My point was if my kids are ringfenced and Im seeing them say 3/4 days a fortnight I wouldnt feel comfortable being with my partner and her kids the remainder of the time and effectively seeing her kids a lot more than mine. That's all, personal choice I suppose. As by ringfencing Im assuming any partner would only have cross over with my kids at mine or a day out (ie they wouldnt be going to partners house).

Fighting over / for the kids does add to the conflict but you have to do it to an extent. We live and learn. Ive accepted that I wont have much of a say for the time being as the NRP in day to day stuff (aside from eldest as hes at mine more than others). I accept that I simply have to go NC as much as possible with ex and make the most of the time I have with the kids to show that Dad is very much in their lives (but that involves doing homework and eating reasonably - trying to avoid Disney Dad behaviour). I would also say that its not just men lacking emotion intelligence as toxic exs are often driving the Total Dramarama and hurting / potentially screwing up the kids.

Great post - totally agree this is the crux of it, where the father potential sees more of someone else’s kids than his own

If we lived togethe we would def have split by now I am sure

@Thomasina2021 his EXW is exceptionally manipulative and has picked very carefully. Not someone her own age who has young children. This mans DC are adults. My exp’s Dc have never met the adult children and the fiancée spends all his time with these children. So evidently one set have been displaced and in come the other lot - who are someone else’s.

It’s so dysfunctional and unboundaried, my head hurts looking at it all.

Thomasina - thanks.
For me its around the age of the kids. Also I like to think I have things under control when I have all the kids at a weekend etx but I dont necessarily expect a partner to agree and for everyones sanity think that there would need to be some space.
How do you guys cope, do you blend the kids much?

One word, guilt. If they have cheated and resulted in family breaking up, they may feel guilty.

@caringcarer in fairness women cheat too & there are plenty of relationships that break up for reasons other than cheating.

@stout01 no we don’t much at all

We don’t live together (geography ) and neither of us felt it was right to uproot either set of children or move away from other parent ..

Which initially I really struggled with but now I am so grateful for !

Dp has his kids 50% of the time and we are together either at his place or mine depending on if I have my children

We only really blend at festivities and the odd holiday and that is great as the kids all get on due to the novelty value

Still enough time to observe the dynamic I posted about tho so it would be even worse I feel if we had tried to fully blend !

Mmm agree @Magda72 - dp’s split was mutual and amicable

[quote Thomasina2021]@stout01 no we don’t much at all

We don’t live together (geography ) and neither of us felt it was right to uproot either set of children or move away from other parent ..

Which initially I really struggled with but now I am so grateful for !

Dp has his kids 50% of the time and we are together either at his place or mine depending on if I have my children

We only really blend at festivities and the odd holiday and that is great as the kids all get on due to the novelty value

Still enough time to observe the dynamic I posted about tho so it would be even worse I feel if we had tried to fully blend ![/quote]
Haha!

I think you're right. A compromise but one that perhaps keeps the peace :)

My DH's ex cheated and left him. DH felt overwhelmed trying to cope without support so he just did whatever it took to get through, which for him meant the path of least resistance i.e lack of rules and boundaries. By the time I came along that dynamic was deeply entrenched.

[quote sassbott]@Thomasina2021 his EXW is exceptionally manipulative and has picked very carefully. Not someone her own age who has young children. This mans DC are adults. My exp’s Dc have never met the adult children and the fiancée spends all his time with these children. So evidently one set have been displaced and in come the other lot - who are someone else’s.

It’s so dysfunctional and unboundaried, my head hurts looking at it all.[/quote]
So your exs partner and kids moved into his house?

I don’t know the detailed ins and outs of her living situation. I took on peripheral info but couldn’t really care less about most of it so I don’t know.

Note to men. Stop banging on about your EXW. Or her partner to your new partner. It’s beyond tedious and only makes us question even further as to why you married/ pro-created with her.

@sassbott 😂

@sassbott ‚It’s beyond tedious and only makes us question even further as to why you married/ pro-created with her’.

Or why you got divorced in the first place if the attachment is so strong. Stay in your dysfunction. Don’t start a new relationship and then use the new partner as a free counselling service.

I did say at one point. I can’t figure out if you two want to kill each other or have sex with each other.
The level of emotions that still existed between them was ridiculous. So intensely locked in battle over the children. He was insulted.

I simply replied emotions are emotions. Positive or negative it’s still emotional engagement/ entanglement. And when something that strong exists, there isn’t room for anything healthy to flourish (like a new relationship) elsewhere.

Or where the NRP actually grows a pair (again metaphorically speaking), can see what is happening and navigates a path through the dysfunction being created. Crucially this person must be able (from time to time) prioritise their adult intimate relationship, joint resident children (if they exist). Not just live for their EOW contact that is then forced down everyone else’s throats because the HRH’s are visiting

You're forgetting the dynamic where NRP has regular contact but isn't fussed on their child. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wish my ex was a disney dad to our son, but the current dynamic of two nights a week where my ex just plonks our son in front of a tablet whilst he is on his playstation is less than desirable too!

@Malena77 & @sassbott - again, very insightful & spot on comments. The only way a new relationship can thrive is if the emotion around the old partner (& dc to a certain extent) has levelled off into neutral.
@lavendervay - I used to feel like you. I'd be a bit irked with exh when my dc would say they'd not done much with him as he was wrecked (job & two toddler aged dc in the house). But over time I've actually become grateful for the mundanity they experienced at his as it was ordinary family life with an exhausted df & sm & it stopped that awful "dad's going to rescue us from boredom & we'll have a mini no expense spared holiday every weekend we're with him" attitude that I saw in exdp's dc.
My dc's mundane experience at exh's actually normalised divorce for them which in the long run has been very good for them.
All that being said none of my dc were massive gamers so boredom was counterbalanced with tv & books & arranging to meet their friends so maybe not the same as your dc's experience.

[quote Malena77]@sassbott ‚It’s beyond tedious and only makes us question even further as to why you married/ pro-created with her’.

Or why you got divorced in the first place if the attachment is so strong. Stay in your dysfunction. Don’t start a new relationship and then use the new partner as a free counselling service.[/quote]
Totally !!! Why split if you are so obsessed with relating to your ex .

@MyCatHatesEverybody

My DH's ex cheated and left him. DH felt overwhelmed trying to cope without support so he just did whatever it took to get through, which for him meant the path of least resistance i.e lack of rules and boundaries. By the time I came along that dynamic was deeply entrenched.

Yes I think that would be a common theme (tying back to the OPs post).

I totally agree with the ‘line of least resistance’ comment. Poor long term strategy though.