Why do so many divorced dads over-compensate re their kids ?

[Thomasina2021]

Myself and two of my close friends in blended families have noticed this.

My dp is sooooo anxious and eager to please his teenage kids , he literally turns into their servant when they stay!

Why is this ?? Anyone know - guilt? I don’t think women do it ! Just men .. it really puts me off him tbh !

@Coffeepot72 but why I wonder is that appeasing the ex and over indulging the kids - is it to do with priorities and love ?

With the ex (she left him) he was terrified of rocking the boat, even though he couldn’t say what the consequences would be. But I think he was scared she would be difficult about access.

And with DSS, DH just wanted to be Fun Dad, to be sure that DSS would continue visiting. All a bit sad really.

Wife to a Disney dad here!
It backfired terribly last year when DSS (then 14) got into trouble with gangs and drugs.
There were 4 of us trying to figure out what to do and DH just couldn't do it. His son then admitted he could easily manipulate him which was massively hard to hear.

When he now comes over, I make sure he understands boundaries and don't give two hoots if DH looks winded about it.
So many examples over the years I could give but sending you a hug, I know how you feel.

I’m late to this but oh my god I can relate!!!!!

My ss who’s 9 comes at the weekends and he’s been I’m my life since he was 5 but still acts like a stranger, he’s very quiet and doesn’t act himself unlike my loud mouthed 8 year old son...

When my ss comes my fiancé aka Disney dad talks to him like a friend and try’s to make him laugh and show off!! I have to remind him he’s only a child as my fiancé uses language I do not agree with... he just shows off so much!! His son can do no wrong either as he’s only here a day so of course he’s not misbehaving lol but it pisses me off god knows what it will be like when he’s a teenager!!!!!

He would often ask his son what would YOU like to do today and it would be bowling, cinema get a new toy... and to be fair since I’ve been home more at weekends my oh now takes this into consideration and asks what should we do. I told my fiancé we are not letting an 9 year old dictate our weekends....fml it’s hard sharing your partner and I admit that sounds selfish but I do see him differently when his son comes

@Hardbackwriter

I'm sure there are lots of more noble (if misguided) motivations, as mentioned on here already - guilt, feeling of defensiveness and need to prove that you're a 'good' dad, trying to make up for the time you're not with them, etc. But it's silly to pretend that it also doesn't just make life much easier if you give in to everything a child wants - if you're not the one who has to deal with the consequences of that every day. It's like how I found the odd days I spent with my nephew before having my own loads easier than an average day with my toddler of the same age - I always used to take DN somewhere fun and child-centred, never used to tell him off, bought him treats if he asked for them and then I got to hand him back! Establishing boundaries with children is a lot of work and effort for long-term gain and if you aren't the primary caregiver it's easier and nicer for you to just not do it and have a lovely time with them. It sets up a world of problems for the longer-term and doesn't lead to a healthy adult relationship, but in the moment of 'if I just give in they won't tantrum' I can see why that is tempting to ignore.

Absolutely agree.

I have my son all the time so my oh see,sweat real parenting is and it’s not all bloody roses and sunshine... it’s routine, tantrums, running about like a headless chicken, sweating under your breath. And the oh has his son for one day... and thinks to his Disney dad self.. this is easy! 😂😂

Swearing not sweating although that too 😂

In some households I wonder if the pre-divorce dynamic was competitive Disney parenting by both parents which then continues, possibly ramped up, when they split?
My DP is a Disney RP (just as is usually explained as being due to their NRP status) and cannot challenge his now adult DCs on any matter whatsoever for fear they will decamp to EW...