Why do so many divorced dads over-compensate re their kids ?

[Thomasina2021]

Myself and two of my close friends in blended families have noticed this.

My dp is sooooo anxious and eager to please his teenage kids , he literally turns into their servant when they stay!

Why is this ?? Anyone know - guilt? I don’t think women do it ! Just men .. it really puts me off him tbh !

@Magda72 gosh this makes me so glad we actually couldn’t move in together (geog) as I prob would have done otherwise and would now be in exactly the same boat !

I know @Thomasina2021 - it really is a minefield.
The other thing I will say is this: I mentioned upthread that society tends to blame the man for a marriage break up no matter what the circumstances. It just so happened that my exh was a serial cheater. When we split this was not widely known & our dc never knew, & still don't, that their sm was the OW. At the time I was afforded a lot of sympathy (by people who knew what had happened & by people who didn't) & I was cast in the role of the poor deserted wife (v irritating lol) & everyone was all over me (even though that's not at all what I wanted). Then I got into a serious relationship with exdp and if I ever spoke to friends/family about the difficulties with his exw/dc I was told "but poor her & the poor dc" & "you should be more sympathetic". It was so weird - it was like now I was seen as a sm I was no longer afforded any sympathy - exdp had no doubt deserted them & I was sanctioning that behaviour & shouldn't I know better sort of attitude - & that I & my dc should take a back seat to his exw/dc who were now cast in role of poor deserted wife & dc. I actually stayed in therapy for years & went every 4/6 weeks as she was the ONLY person who could actually understand where I was coming from - I gave up talking to anyone else about it including most of my family.
It's an attitude I see reflected on here again & again. It bewilders me & it's used again & again to excuse shoddy parenting & shoddy behaviours.

@Magda72 totally !!! Dp ex because single is always seen as the one who had been sacrificed almost whereas when they split SHE was the unfaithful one (that affair ended though)

Even dp sees her as a victim it’s SO annoying! And everyone makes him feel guilty even implicitly so he is stuck in a cycle of over - compensating

My exh was like that when we were married too though, overcompensating for always being at work. Now it's more sending gifts and giving me money so they have everything (I know different to many men won't complain) because covid means he can't see them (over 18's can't see both parents officially which is so wrong but government forgot some university students have two homes!)

@Magda72

If I was ring fencing my kids I couldnt imagine then being involved that much around somrone else when they had their kids unless perhaps they were adults or not far off. But I'd be more than happy to have a relationship where the partner sees kids perhaps only now and then (pops over in day or maybe an evening). As long as it fely symmetrical-ish. I do realise that could be hard if one partner has their kids all / most of the time. *@stout01 - I would love you to elaborate a bit more on this - genuinely. Like @sassbott* I too suggested this to my exdp who could not get his head around it & I really struggled with that. He freely acknowledged that the situation with his exw & dc was causing us issues (as opposed to my situation with exh & dc which wasn't) & yet when I suggested a way for him to see his dc & be in a relationship with me (ring fencing) he baulked at it. Some women are very territorial but I genuinely never felt I was that way. I am the rp for my dc which was something that exh & I decided was best for our dc as when we split exh was going through something of a crisis & really I HAD to step in and assume majority responsibility. I suppose in that sense I was territorial in that my dc quite clearly lived with me. Exdp, due to work, was the nrp in his situation so I'll be honest & say that his dc's main home was also with their dm & in no way did I feel, given both our sets of circumstances, that it was up to me to open up my 'territory' to his dc. They didn't want that either & to be fair with 6 dc between us there was no house that could have easily accommodated that amount of people. I never had a problem with him seeing his dc, I never had a problem with him keeping a house in which to see his dc, but I did have a problem with this not being enough for him; that somehow me, my dc & my house had to be open to them as well. He was entitled to spend entire weekends with his dc without any outside interference from me or my dc but my house was expected to be open to them any time they felt like visiting. My saying "no, I don't want your dc up that weekend as it doesn't suit" was seen as resenting his dc. However him saying "I'm taking midterm off to spend with my dc see you in 6 days & I'll send you the odd txt" was seen as totally reasonable. HE was allowed as much time away from me & my dc to spend with his dc but I was bit expected to want the same. To me that was a massive double standard. When discussing possibly buying a place together he honestly suggested that we buy midway between where I live & where his dc live so as to make having his dc easier (they wouldn't have to spend so much time in a car). This would have meant my teenage dd having to move schools & move away from her friends just to facilitate his dc not having to spend so long in traffic; his dc who would still live with their dm all week & go to the same school!!! Again, a massive double standard & I really did struggle to understand where his head was at with this stuff because in my mind I had offered a really good compromise - he keeps his house & sees his dc alone - & yet it wasn't enough, he still wanted more from me.

Completely understand your frustration and I wouldnt disagree with you at all. Its all hypothetical of course but Im currently seeing some one although with covid etc need to see if it turns into something more serious. So to use that as the example...

Lets say I need to ring fence five days a fortnight for my kids and for simplicity that's all together in week 1. Meaning I have two days free week 1 and the whole of week 2 free (this is of course unlikely to be accurate as with wotk and other stuff to do but lets say so for this example).

I could imagine spending my free weekend with partner and her Dc as she has him most of the time and perhaps visiting one of the evenings in the week (each week). She in turn perhaps comes over to mine on my weeked with kids for the day or an afternoon, whatever suits.

I couldn't imagine for the nine days I have free in the fourteen day period speding say a week at partners. Maybe five years down the road as her child would be close to adult age then. But not now. I just have a discomfort with spending potentially a lot more time with someone elses kids than my own, but I think thats just me as I realise a lot of men do it (including my exs new partner).

I wouldn’t want my partner to spend more time with me and my kids than his own kids ever as think it would be problematic for him and then me

Well you see I think that happens by default with resident dc & the ramifications of it often don't hit home until it's too late.
@stout01 - I understand everything you've said & you seem very clear on what you want & what your expectations are which is great & that will really stand to you & your dc.
What happened in my situation (& many others I'd bet) is that exdp wanted to spend his non work & non contact time with me - and I with him tbf. My dc were never a problem in that they were teens, were very independent & busy, had a great relationship with their dad & never wanted or expected anything more from exdp bar him being a nice person to be around. I ensured we did very little together (me, exdp & my dc) bar having meals together & taking the dog for an odd walk. I did fun stuff with mine alone so as not to highlight that his dc weren't involved.
Having successfully navigated my dcs having half siblings living with their dad ft while they didn't, I genuinely thought that my handing of this was sensitive, & in truth exdp WANTED to live with me - it had been his idea.
However, after the fact & for reasons I still don't really fully understand, he began to get antsy about me "getting to live with my dc all the time" while he didn't - even though he still had a house & spent most of his contact time there with his dc. In the early days we made efforts to do some things all together but his dc were quite frankly rude & uncommunicative & not very nice to my dc who made great efforts with them & so we agreed to more or less keep the dc separate bar the odd meet up on neutral ground & the odd trip.
I thought all this was sorted but then he started "going on" about his dc not being welcome & how he couldn't feel at home with my dc when his weren't there.
Fine - but this all started surfacing MONTHS after he had 'moved' in & it would abate & resurface randomly to a point where I didn't really know what was going on in his head but I suspect ex & possibly dc were having a go at him 'providing' for mine which he absolutely did not.
In all of this my dc became the scapegoat for him, his dc & his exw which was hugely unfair as they expected nothing from him & had done nothing wrong bar be resident children.
I feel all this could have been avoided if he'd been honest with himself (& me) from the start, or if he could have been as mature as my dc had been in dealing with their dad living ft with their half siblings.

Again everyone says it's easier to accept your dad living with half siblings (as opposed to step siblings) but it's actually not, as you have to deal with the fact that your dad actively chose to have more children & create a family with someone - he didn't just fall in love with someone who happened to have kids.
Exdp could never put his life or choices into context, ie. "I want to be with Magda & aren't I very lucky that neither she nor her dc expect me to provide for or spend lots of time with them & they all respect that I miss my dc who I get to spend exclusive time with on my contact days". No, his framing of the situation became "Me & my dc are losing out here. It doesn't matter that I have a house where I can see my dc exclusively & that Magda doesn't interfere. What matters is that Magda won't be more welcoming & let me bring my dc to hers whenever I want & that she expects my dc to behave in an appropriate manner when they are there & her expectations ruin my time with my dc who are only badly behaved because they are struggling with divorce. Magda's dc don't struggle with divorce or half siblings because they're resident dc & mine aren't"

• except they are in their mum's home & my dc are nr dc in their dads home!?!

Honestly my head is still melted from it all!

@Magda72 Jesus that sounds insane and just no way through it !

How often did your ex dp have his kids ?

@Magda72
Taking your post at face value, my guess is it was easier for him to make you the baddie and his kids the victims than it was to realise that he and his ex were making a pigs ear of guiding their DC, with the result that they ended up not being particularly pleasant people to be around.
That’s just my tuppence worth from my armchair but I don’t think that you stood a chance with a mentality like that, and I’m sorry that it has drained away so much of you her time and emotional energy.

@Youseethethingis i think you’re spot on x

So you were the scapegoat Magda.

Sounds like he possibly wanted a 'happy family' home ie one with a woman to do all the crap chores!

@stout01, you’re very clear in your head about what will/ won’t work for you. That’s good and my advice is to be super clear about that with anyone you date. Also be very upfront and honest (it’s not clear from your posts) how high conflict your situation is with your EXW is. How much court is involved, how much to’ing and fro’ing. How your children are as a result of the contact situation with your ex. How much of your emotional energy that situation takes. My very personal experience of this (not just my exp but some male friends) is that on the whole they do to some degree suffer from an element of denial. Both regarding how much of their financial resources are getting used up but (critically) how much of their emotional energy is being used up. I’m also sorry to say that their children, as a result do have issues with anxiety/ food and insecure attachment. Which means that the children in turn have very real and visible emotional issues.

For me personally, the ring fencing was absolutely essential. My exp’s ex has a history of false allegations, reporting. His children are starting to display a host of emotional and physical issues as a result of the hostility from the ex, (sadly both are showing signs of using food as a mecanism for attention/ control). Which may form the basis of eating disorders as these children become preteen/ teen. They have very real problems forming attachments with anyone outside of my exp as the EXW is completely non supportive of anyone from my exp’s side having any form of attachment.

My situation? Calm. My exh puts the children under no conflict. He was supportive of the role my exp had in their lives. They could happily exchange words without any problems.
Bluntly? It was nothing to do with territory and everything to do with the fact that his situation was extremely toxic and unhealthy. And also bluntly, his children were not safe to be around. When children can be weaponised / manipulated by a hostile EXW, they are not safe. Whether it is as extreme as the risk of false allegations or whether it is as simple as the children walking into your house and completely ignoring your existence; the onus is on these children’s parents to be fully cognisant of what is happening and appropriately boundary / manage their situation. So that it is safe for everyone.

So when you say you can understand why he feels that way? I cannot and could not even fathom it. His situation was (and remains) dangerous and intensely unhealthy. His children (if these two do not stop their battles) will have emotional issues. It is non stop drama, and it is exhausting to be around. Yet he was in complete denial (because, bluntly he cannot face up to the fact that by continuing to fight for his children, he is in fact contributing to the damage). To expect a partner (with their own calm children) to accept this into their home is actually deeply selfish and self serving behaviour. It’s not love.

I had no issues with seeing them for a few hours every contact weekend. I had no issues taking the odd weekend break together. But I did not want my home to ever be these children’s home. Nothing to do with territory and everything to do with trying to keep his highly damaging situation away from my family and my children.

This notion of reciprocity? It’s flawed and unachievable in a situation like mine. Or really in any situation where conflict with an ex exists. And to expect it is at best naive, and at worst really quite selfish. My exp would have gladly exposed my (older different sex children) to his children. Even knowing his exw’s history. With the bold statement of ‘she’d never do that’ or my favourite ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.’ Oh we will will we?

What he had on the table was an offer. A partner who had finally accepted that he had this horrific situation but was still willing to be there and support. He could spend as little or as much time as he wished with me. He had complete freedom to make decisions regarding his main base, how much more he pursued court proceedings. But what he had when he didn’t want to be alone? A calm, loving family home. Where there was zero conflict. A safe environment. One where it was exwife/ drama free zone. He was so lucky that I was prepared to do even that.

Couldn’t see it though. He can now however as he begs for another chance.

My advice to men? Take a step back and look at your situation for what it is. Then think about what is fair for another partner to take on/ tolerate.
I don’t view most posts on here being about territory. I view them as people wanting to be respected and enjoy their own home. Not have children arrive and disrespect them (and have the fathers enable rude / entitled behaviour). Then state ‘you have an issue with my children/ youre jealous’

Errrrm. No. You’re a dick and your children are being dicks. Sort it out.

A few posters have mentioned what I think is the crux of the issue...poor emotional intelligence. In a blended family there are outside influences, such as other parent's behaviour however if the nrp has the emotional skills it can be resolved. In most cases the nrp don't have the skills so resorts to the path of least resistance. The example about complimenting a daughter..sounds like a man who thinks flattery carries favour and he is trying to (badly) express his feelings. To outsiders it will just feel weird and inappropriate.

When I was a SM I witnessed partner dealing badly with his children, he just couldn't process the emotions involved but was arrogant enough to believe he knew best. No doubt it was why his marriage failed and ultimately it was why our relationship failed!

As a parent I have of course had issues with my dc but I work through them, I've taken responsibility for my part, got myself educated about parenting, work through the conflict and end up with a stronger foundation. Dc's dad only seems to have 2 tools in his emotional skillset,when faced with conflict, capitulation or anger to get his way.

Understanding the complexities of emotions isn't something he can do so when he has a issue with parenting he deals with it badly. As a result the dc don't feel they have a strong relationship with him, which makes him feel insecure so over compensating kicks in. He has skills in other areas...just not emotional intelligence.

It is easy to blame outside influences, like an Ex, but the core issue is the nrp. In marriages women often take on the bulk of parenting, they smooth over the problems and act as a counter balance. That disappears on separation and the next partner has to try and pick up but they don't have the responsibility and invariably won't be listened to.

Magda72, your ex p just seemed selfish and entitled. He just wanted the benefits of a relationship when it suited him. You were right to hold your boundaries as your dc deserved the same space as his did.

Blended families take superior emotional skills (way more than a together family) as there are many more obstacles to overcome or to negotiate...very few of us are prepared or even think about the skills needed as we fall for someone and assume it's akin to when we were single.

I think many more women are better prepared because generally women do more of the emotional lifting in relationships and have the experience of raising children which many men just don't have..haven't focused on a career full time.

I also think men completely under estimate the mental effort needed to make a blended family work.

I’ll also add that he had zero responsibility towards my older and more independent children. I have an exh, an afterschool nanny/housekeeper. I ran my house entirely independent of his support - financial or otherwise. When he was here, his washing/ ironing/ food prep was essentially all done for him by the people I had helping me and my family. When I look back I think I let him walk all over me and take complete advantage of how generous/ flexible I was. More fool me.

Yet somehow, because I didn’t open my doors and unequivocally welcome his children, that’s what caused issues. I mean Jesus wept at the myopic victim / my children must come first mentality.

There are various reasons. In some cases, they are just soapy fathers who would be just the same if they were still with the mum. A colleague of mine who is quite ruthless at work will be upset at the slightest thing affecting his kids and will do everything to compensate.

In other cases, it is because they genuinely fear their kids will stop coming because they haven't bonded as parent/child should where discipline is accepted on the sane level than love.

In other instances, it's because of the ex who inflict the threats and expects the father to oy act as a Disney dad or is deemed a non loving father.

In some cases, it is to overcompensate for the new wife who indirectly passes the message that she'd be happier if the children didn't exist and do try to bake up for it.

Trying to find one and only reason is silly. So many different dynamics. Similarly, in some instances, it will have a detrimental impact on the child, in others it won't or even turn out to be positive.

Oh I forgot another common reason, maybe most common is just plan laziness. Much easier to let the kids do what makes them happy than to challenge and discipline.

Dad's can be both very happy to see their kids and dreading the work that comes with when they can compare it with the easy child free weekend.

Laziness which can sometimes be the core of the break up of their first relationship.

It must be so hard not to be fully part of your children’s lives ,and that must make it difficult not to spoil them
But in the long term it doesn’t help the DC

@Techway & @PinkyParrot I genuinely don't think exp was being deliberately selfish or wanted me to do the crap chores. That's not me defending him but obviously I have stated the worst parts of our relationship on here.
Away from his dc he was like a different person. I know we are all a bit like that when away from our kids as we can switch off parent mode to a certain extent, but this was different - you could see his shoulders drop. He was also very caring of me and very helpful around the house. However, at some point all that began to change & I do feel it was because of whatever his ex/dc were saying to him. Guilt took over & he started to feel like he & his dc were the victims.
Like what @Techway says I do feel a lot of this came down to not being emotionally intelligent enough to navigate what was going on.
As I've mentioned before he did eventually go to therapy & it really did help him with all that, but for me it was too late. Too much water had passed under the bridge for me to have any faith that things would improve & his dc's personalities seemed pretty fixed as far as I could see.
Good parenting involves so much more than just seeing your dc lots & I think the best parenting comes from being very clear eyed about your dc & by teaching them independence. Too many parents fall into the post divorce parenting trap of "I'm the best parent if I see my dc lots, prioritise them always, spoil them when I see them & keep them as close to me as I can".
I personally don't agree with this & I think when parents adopt this attitude they do so for their own benefit, to make themselves feel good. They lose sight of who their dc are & what type of people they are becoming because the parenting has become all about everyone having a wonderful time all the time & not about guiding the dc & getting them ready for adult life.

@dontdisturbmenow I think your last post has hit the nail on the head to be honest.
A lot of men just simply don’t want to parent their kids properly and take the path of least resistance i.e. letting their kids do whatever they want

@user1487194234 RPs aren’t “fully part” of their kids’ lives either though.
It’s not an excuse for lazy or over-indulgent parenting

@user1487194234 I totally agree. I do feel that this is an aspect of separation/divorce that doesn't really hit home until after the deed is done.
I remember my exh being astonished after we split that he couldn't just take our dc whenever he felt like it or pop in to see them if he was passing. This wasn't me being difficult but his moving out meant that I, as an rp who worked ft had to get super organised about routine in order to keep everything running smoothly, & I also had to have him respect what was now my space.
He just didn't get it. He thought separation meant all would be as it once was just without him actually living with us or having a relationship with him.
As reality hit his euphoria at finally having his freedom drained away. Despite everything we'd been through I did feel very sorry for him because I know it must be very hard but the kids needs came first.

He was very inclined to spoil them but in fairness to his dw she (nicely) put her foot down about certain things (will my full backing) & our dc have really benefitted from it. And in fairness to exh he was receptive to what was being pointed out to him & he did change his parenting of our dc. 11 years ago I never thought I'd hear myself say this but one of the things I'm most proud of in my dc is the great but appropriate relationship they have with their dm. She respects them, they respect her but she's the boss in her home & they all get on great together. She, I and my exh are more than capable of attending things like graduations together & there's never any acrimony. The dc actively want her at things, they buy her Christmas & birthday gifts without having to be told to do so, but they never treat her like 'mum' - she is very much an extra adult in their lives whom they love & appreciate in a different way to their parents.
If my exh & I do nothing else right in our lives at least we know we've reared kind, empathetic, emotionally mature dc who do not see themselves as the centre of every situation.

& @SpongebobNoPants I fully agree with you too. I may be the rp but I've had to sacrifice so much time & so many experiences with my dc that would never had arisen if we'd been an intact family.
But I knew this & I accepted it & when I struggled I went to therapy.
I'm not saying I did everything perfectly, but I didn't turn my pain outward & let it infect all those around me or my parenting.

I think one element with many, many men (and in many cases it's a factor in the marriage breakdown to start with) - they don't know how to be a parent. They don't know how to parent.

Because they never have. They've never developed that 'parenting muscle' - the mix of guiding, helping, refusing, training, supporting - getting that balance right. And getting it right for their child - their unique child that they've been alongside every step of the way, knowing what they need, seeing them change.

So many fathers just never did this. Ever. They think they parented, of course - they were there, right? Only they weren't. They left the heavy lifting to the mums. It all happened around them.

So when they end up divorced, they look at their by-now-teenage kids and they're essentially strangers. They only really know them superficially. They don't know what to do except to try and make it fun and try and do or give Stuff.

I've mentioned ring fencing my situation. I wouldn't involve anyone else until I had under control. Mine isn't too toxic. I think my ex is misguided in thinking that she gets to decide every aspect of the kids lives including their time with Dad and the rules at Dads. Hence after two years Ive decided to pursue a contact order to agree the time I spend with the kids.

My point was if my kids are ringfenced and Im seeing them say 3/4 days a fortnight I wouldnt feel comfortable being with my partner and her kids the remainder of the time and effectively seeing her kids a lot more than mine. That's all, personal choice I suppose. As by ringfencing Im assuming any partner would only have cross over with my kids at mine or a day out (ie they wouldnt be going to partners house).

Fighting over / for the kids does add to the conflict but you have to do it to an extent. We live and learn. Ive accepted that I wont have much of a say for the time being as the NRP in day to day stuff (aside from eldest as hes at mine more than others). I accept that I simply have to go NC as much as possible with ex and make the most of the time I have with the kids to show that Dad is very much in their lives (but that involves doing homework and eating reasonably - trying to avoid Disney Dad behaviour). I would also say that its not just men lacking emotion intelligence as toxic exs are often driving the Total Dramarama and hurting / potentially screwing up the kids.