Help! (Very, very long rant.)
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.
I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.
We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)
Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.
The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.
My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).
So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.
I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.
We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.
So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?