Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

This post made me smile. At 5 and 2, my three children were the same little angels you describe yours to be. They were smart, excited about everything, loved travelling and when we did, I was always told how fantastically well behaved they were.

Then they turned pre-teenagers and could have been described as you describe your SCs! Rude, bored, blaze. Took them to Croatia and they acted bored the entire time. I really despaired.

All three turned out very well though, studies and careers to be very proud of and they are very pleasant young adults.

Their mum might build a sad picture of life in benefits, but by you labelling them already as a waste of space in the making, you are doing just as much damage. You might also get a shock when your kids reach that age.

By the way, my OH, not their dad always paid half towards the holidays and we don't have kids together, but I also don't think there is anything wrong with you taking yours away on your own not to pay for your SCs but you are not fair to expect your OH to come if he isn't happy going without his other kids.

Also should have mentioned that it's quite bemusing how my kids now recall these amazing holidays they were so bored on. It's with full of excitement and how amazing this part and that part was, the whole 'Im bored' element seeming totally forgotten. They look back and are grateful for the amazing places they got to see and it's great to reminisce together, ignoring the tantrums and attitude that everyone made me think 'never again'!

OP ignore the majority of comments about you being responsible for the welfare of the step kids.
They have 2 parents and if they can't be bothered to educate and raise the kids to have ambition and aspirations then don't worry about it. Its not your job.
In here step moms have to do everything and expect nothing but abuse and indifference. Forget that BS.
I would take your kids to Lapland and tell your DH he can come if he can fund himself and his kids. If not he does something else with his kids.

Unless your DH has his DC half the time (did he apply for that when they split?), then whoever does the lions share of day to day child raising will have the biggest influence on their behaviour.
I also suspect you've very little experience of older DC/pre teens. Remember too, as hard as you've tried, his DC have separated parents and yours don't.

You do sound like you put your children on a pedestal compared with your DSCs (lol at your ambitious and deserving 2 and 8 year olds) which I can understand of course because no child was ever as wonderful as my own DS, but I think possibly your looking down your nose at your DSCs may be more obvious than you realise? They are different ages and stages than your two so direct comparisons aren’t realistic.
That said, I’d absolutely not be busting my balls to lag for two kids who a) aren’t mine and b) don’t want to go anywhere without their mum anyway.
What’s the point? Where’s the joy?
If they even have to know you’re going I’d tell them “I remember how much you disliked travelling with us the last time so not making you come this time, isn’t that great?”.
Your DH needs to think about how he finances and brings up his children. He seems like a bit of a passenger in all this.

I don't think you sound like a snob or better than the Ex as some have said.

You don't come across as horrible, as has also been said. You just have very different values and because some pp may be similar to his Ex in their outlook on life and work ethic or lack of, they will not see anything wrong with it and accuse you of allsorts.

Your approach of ignoring those kind of posts is a sensible one.

we are completely on two different solar systems when it comes to everything from work ethics, parenting and ideologies when it comes to education etc. We couldn't be more polar opposite if we tried

I get you...but your DH clearly found a lot of positives in someone so different than him to have kids with. Or was she like him in terms of ambition/ethics, then she changed?

We initiated a conversation at dinner were we each said something we were grateful for "not living here and having to sit at a table" was just one of the replies.

Very rude of them.

They sound rather unpleasant tbh and even if it was free to take them on holiday, why would you want to ruin it in by having them there.

Taking the SC doesn't make any sense whatsoever in this situation.

If I was your DH, I'd tell the kids that as they clearly didn't enjoy the last holiday, he doesn't want them to have to go through that again and have such an awful time.

Take your kids on holiday and enjoy it. If your DH doesn't want to go, go by yourself with them. It will allow him some time with them, when you and the DC aren't there. I wonder how much fun they'll have then.

Regardless of their ages, they're ungrateful. Not all children behave as they do and saying so just excuses bad behaviour.

I would reiterate that separate finances is sensible in your situation.

You are too involved with your dh older children. Take a step back. You are the step parent, not the bio parent.
I agree With mum that dads home is 'dads home'. Stop paying for everything. They are not your responsibility.

The idea of separate finances is one with blurred edges. You share a house, for a start, and if you have a mortgage, you are both responsible for that shared asset. If one of you became unwell and couldn't work, the other one would have to pick up the slack and pay for the little one's childcare by themselves. There is life insurance and pensions.

You ask who is right and who is wrong, but maybe it is just different perspectives. Your OH wants to feel he is doing the right thing by all his children.

Kindness is the only 'right' solution. Life is complicated and anything could be around the corner. You have reinforce everybody to feel good about themselves to deal with what life might throw at them.

I think aiming for very expensive holidays is probably a bad thing. The pandemic might affect jobs and you might wish you had saved that money. You are stressing yourselves unnecessarily.

You want your kids to get on together and have each other as life-long pals as well as siblings. Any negative vibes might threaten this.

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to come along and start hammering you and surprisingly... 8 minutes! It's normally quicker than that!

As @SandyY2K has said, it looks likely that some of these posters may have the same outlook/values as your SC's mother.
My impression is that you clearly work hard to earn the living that you do and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, you were clearly mentioning it for context. No snobby vibes here.

In your shoes, I don't think i'd be happy to spend my money on children that were not particularly grateful and that would not enjoy the magic of the trip. It's a once in a lifetime experience and I'm sure you want to get as much enjoyment out of it as possible with your DC whilst they're young enough to appreciate it.

Let your DH stay at home with the SC if he likes. Take someone else with you.

For what it's worth - my OH was less than enthusiastic with chats about holidays recently until i mentioned that i was going to go away with a friend... he soon changed his tune and was suggesting different places we could go. A bit of unintentional reverse psychology there!

@Pelaz please just ignore all the bitchy, projecting comments & if you need further support please look to the many threads on here written to support stepmums.
I had a very similar situation with my exdp albeit we weren't married, didn't have dc together & all our dc were teens. However, the toxic exw, the differences in parenting & the constant whinging I can totally relate to.
You're a mother to small dc & you may have minimal experience of teens but let me tell you that the posters on here saying this is typical teenage behaviour are WRONG! Teenagers will test boundaries & yes may turn obnoxious - if you let them! I've had three of my own, have lots of nieces & nephews & have worked with teens in the past & unless there are exceptional circumstances (abuse etc.) the bad behaviour of most teens is down to poor parenting, & not all teenagers whinge and moan - mine never did - but that probably makes me as smug as you according to some on here!
Like you, we kept our finances separate & like you I put thousands into adjusting my home to accommodate his dc so we could work towards blending well. I shouldn't have bothered. Issues with their dm & exdp's unwillingness to correct behaviour meant that I just backed away.

Reading your post it seems to me like you have done your best to be inclusive even spending YOUR money on the sdc & now you have hit a wall - & rightly so imo.
Blending well is virtually impossible when the set of values in the other home is so radically different - you can plough away at it but you may never make progress.
My exh, his dm & I have very similar values & my dc move seamlessly between both houses knowing that give or take a few small things what's expected from them in both houses is more or less the same. With exdp's dc it was like two worlds colliding & after one final disastrous holiday where it become obvious that his dc's ambivalence to me & my dc had now become active resentment I called quits on it (and don't even get me started on the level of moaning on that holiday which truly was a trip of a lifetime!).
In your scenario I would advise that you stop paying for your sdc (I mean the big stufff, redecoration, cars etc.) & explain why you are doing this to your dh. In truth he should have been funding this stuff all along & I'm curious as to why it was left to you. I think you need to sit him down & explain how their behaviour has impacted on your enjoyment of holidays & how you are categorically not taking them to Lapland as it's a holiday for your younger dc & that you will be going with another family member. Remove your dh from the equation for this one. I don't say that to be nasty but if goes too he'll either insist on bringing his dc & you'll be miserable or he'll come without his dc & most likely be miserable himself & maybe if he sees that you are just not going to accept certain behaviours he may be more inclined to address them robustly.
In the long term you will have a long road ahead of you if your two homes are so radically different & sometimes the 'bravest' thing to do is to admit defeat. For you that may necessitate stepping back from parenting these dc & just leaving your dh to it. It may necessitate spending less time as a family and him doing more stuff with them just the three of them.
I know this may sound sad & not at all what you want for your family but the separation is already there (provoked no doubt by their dm) & maybe it's time for you & your dh to just acknowledge this & proceed accordingly - for everyone's sakes.

@Magda72 your situation was totally different. You said you didn’t have children to your partner.

To be fair this changes the ball game massively how can you compare the two.

If mum doesn't work and is on benefits, the kids would get free school meals, why would you pay for school meals?

I think it will be hard if you go with just your DCs, it will look like half the family is left behind. It is better to leave DH though, than go as a family of 4, leaving the SDCs behind.

However, if you were to go with someone else - a friend with children the same age, sibling and cousins, even grandparents - it would look different. It would be something you were doing separate from DH, which plenty of people do. There wouldn't be the expectation your DH would go, therefore there wouldn't be the expectation that his DCs would go.

Can he take his two on a weekend to Butlins, if that is what they like, at the same time?

I think it is less about the going and more about how to handle it.

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes

Quite a disgusting comment tbh. As the ex in the situation we have quite drama free life. This is because we don't sit there judging each others lifestyle choices and provide a supportive co parenting role within the 4 of us. This has been going on for 10 years.

Things are starting to make sense now.

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable, and your husband has some bloody cheek to argue with you about not personally paying for HIS kids to go on holiday. He had some bloody cheek to allow you to pay for them previously.

I would stop spending any money on them at all.

And yes they sound like normal teenagers, but that doesn't mean they aren't rude. They are behaving rudely and I would not want to take them on holiday either. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them even if their dad was paying, which he absolutely should be.

I’d take the younger two and if the mum complains say you can’t afford it unless she pays half. Which I’m sure she won’t anyway.

They sound like typical pre teens. However I also think they sound a bit sad. If your life is nicer like you describe, than their mothers, then I think their reaction is normal for a child who can’t process their feelings like an adult. They will obviously love their mum, but they might be jealous of your and your children’s lives (especially if one isn’t your husbands biological child). Children don’t reaction to situations like adults do, you need to remember that.

I think moving between 2 houses and their mum saying negative things about you, they probably feel like they have to be loyal to her especially if she’s on her own. That might explain the behaviour in Greece. Personally if I was that age I would find it incredibly stressful to be stuck in the middle and moving between homes and being a tween/teenager.

Someone with more experience might be able to help but I think you need to step back and consider what their lives are like, especially compared to your own children’s.

This is bullshit. It’s not her place to accommodate his children.

If you had bothered, in your rage, to read my post correctly you will have read nowhere in it that I suggested it was her place to accommodate his children. Rather that I was pointing out that the new family car and home with enough rooms was necessary because of the two (which at the time I posted, OP had claimed were both born after she met her DP) newer DC.

@Littlepaws18

I can empathise with your situation. It's difficult when you need to incorporate different values that you don't hold into the family. I think you feel that you have done your part financially and gone over and above for them and have not been shown gratitude. However, that's your role and more so you need to help them emotionally too.

It's so hard to fight against their main household and they're values... but don't give in you need to try.

My partner and I are in a similar predicament. His ex doesn't work and has no work ethic or drive, she doesn't value education and she has her own mh issues. The kids are growing up in this environment and it is shaping their attitudes. But I just won't let it. In an unconfrontational way we have created a set of family values, we talk a lot about future careeers and before lockdown took them to places that might spark an interest like fossil hunting. We celebrate academic achievements no matter how small. We show them what life can be like in the hope that eventually these ideals might rub off on them.

As for Lapland, it's a huge deal and a life time experience. I do not agree you should have to find it yourself but together you should work out a savings plan to cover everyone. Taking only two children will just show how divided your family is. Not only show but completely exclude the others. And remember probably more than your own children they need that experience, it's one they will probably never get in their life time.

We are planning a trip to Disney. Taking both our step children will break the bank but we couldn't exclude them from such a family experience.

Also the whole money divided thing, I would so change that for trips like this. Set up a joint savings account agree to an amount you both can afford and stick it in. He needs to be more financially involved.

You sound so lovely! If only all step parents were like you🙂

I’d take the younger two and if the mum complains say you can’t afford it unless she pays half.

It’s the dad that’s complaining. OPs husband.

@willFOURbagsbeenough I did read it! It’s still bullshit! She didn’t need to purchase a new car to accommodate all of her DH’s children, that should have been down to her DH, he fathered 4 children.
OP only needs a car to accommodate 2 children... the fact she upgraded the car and she paid to ensure there was an extra bedroom shows their dad isn’t taking on the financial burden of fathering extra kids.
OP is a parent to 2, he is to 4... he should either be the one to fund to accommodate all of his children fairly, or he should be extremely grateful his wife is picking up his slack.

I'm loving the ambitious 5 and 2 year olds 😁
Anyway OP, you have a DH problem. He is happy for you to subsidise his lifestyle, him and his ex have a lot in common. I'd take the younger 2 to Lapland on my own, the 14 year old is likely not to enjoy it anyway. My own ds ruined our last holiday (he was 17) by constantly moaning and whinging, I insisted he come as I didn't feel right leaving him behind but next time I will enjoy the holiday a lot more without him. Teens can be a real pain in the arse. (At age 5 he was very ambitious and loved to travel and visit NT properties)

This is where the resentment comes from.

No one minds spending money on their SCs or helping out but when it’s met with ingratitude or expectation it breeds resentment.

The older kids will live Lapland! They will get way more out of it than the little ones. I was 15 when I went and loved it. There's so much to do.
OP you sound a bit selfish to be honest. You married your husband knowing he had children. They are a part of him.
I can also say to you, don't count your chickens before they have hatched. Your perfectly behaved children may be teens form hell.

She didn’t need to purchase a new car to accommodate all of her DH’s children

And again, if you read, (you’ll need to do that with your eyes open) you won’t see anywhere that I said she needed to purchase anything! I said the new car was to accommodate the increasing family.

the fact she upgraded the car and she paid to ensure there was an extra bedroom shows their dad isn’t taking on the financial burden of fathering extra kids.

Tottally agree. Which is why I said that upthread. The ex wife can’t be blamed solely for setting the example of being funded by other people- this Cocklodger is doing a fine job of that himself.

I’m not sure why Op has continued to fund it all though.