Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

Birth mom really is that necessar, its just mum. Tbh it sounds like you got pregnant fairly quickly in your relationship given the ages of you're dc and the length of you're relationship, I would imagine a new partner and new siblings has been difficult in a short amount of time and changes the dynamics. Tbh they are at difficult ages at present and with lockdown things must be harder for them. You say what you've done but what does you're dh do for them? Does he spent time with them separately hobbies, days out just them? It sounds like you don't like mum and thats having an affect on the kids and you're feelings to them.

It also comes across like you think you're better than the mom and kids. What has being professionals got to do with it, comes across like you think you're superior.

I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together

Surely the extra room and bigger car were to fit in the most recent children to the family? The children you chose to have knowing there were already two and knowing what size of house and car you already had?

This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition

ambition?? At 5 and 2? 😂

You should’ve be comparing a 5 and a 2 year old with a 10 and 14 year old. When yours are older they may be quite different than they are now and want to be glued to a device rather than being outdoors (not saying that is acceptable, just don’t be so smug about your outdoorsy toddler 😂)

Remember as a step mum you're supposed to subsidise the poor step kids no matter what according to many on Mumsnet.

Step back into the real world. If you are fully paying for the holidays etc out of your own pocket you are under no obligation to pay for your DSC - fact they're ungrateful is more reason not to. They have two parents and they are responsible for them.

I can understand your DH not wanting them to miss out. Perhaps compromise is you take your two with say your Mum and he stays home with DSC.

shouldn’t

And yes it’s hilarious to hear children that age described as ambitious.

Remember as a step mum you're supposed to subsidise the poor step kids no matter what according to many on Mumsnet.

Your 5 and 2 year old gave ambitions? Really? Most of what your step kids do sounds like normal teenage and preteen behaviour. You can't compare that to your perfectly behaved toddlers. And of course they are also trying to figure out their two homes. Can't be easy. Their first home broke and immediately dad was with another woman and having a kid. Mum isn't helping. As for mum buying PS5 on benefits, it might be a lot of money but mums on benefits want the same things other mums want for their children. Her other behaviours are difficult to judge given your tone. You two are not milk and honey, for sure

I can empathise with your situation. It's difficult when you need to incorporate different values that you don't hold into the family. I think you feel that you have done your part financially and gone over and above for them and have not been shown gratitude. However, that's your role and more so you need to help them emotionally too.

It's so hard to fight against their main household and they're values... but don't give in you need to try.

My partner and I are in a similar predicament. His ex doesn't work and has no work ethic or drive, she doesn't value education and she has her own mh issues. The kids are growing up in this environment and it is shaping their attitudes. But I just won't let it. In an unconfrontational way we have created a set of family values, we talk a lot about future careeers and before lockdown took them to places that might spark an interest like fossil hunting. We celebrate academic achievements no matter how small. We show them what life can be like in the hope that eventually these ideals might rub off on them.

As for Lapland, it's a huge deal and a life time experience. I do not agree you should have to find it yourself but together you should work out a savings plan to cover everyone. Taking only two children will just show how divided your family is. Not only show but completely exclude the others. And remember probably more than your own children they need that experience, it's one they will probably never get in their life time.

We are planning a trip to Disney. Taking both our step children will break the bank but we couldn't exclude them from such a family experience.

Also the whole money divided thing, I would so change that for trips like this. Set up a joint savings account agree to an amount you both can afford and stick it in. He needs to be more financially involved.

I don't think it's fair to say your two are well deserving, implying because his older children are old enough to be ungrateful and moody they are less deserving of nice experiences.

From where I sit, his children have had a rough time really. You got pregnant within a few months of them knowing you and they have not got a good role model in their mum.

I think it is fair that you pay for your two and your husband pays for his as it isn't your responsibility to fund their trips. If you can't agree, your two are little enough that there is time to take them in future years when his won't necessarily want to come anyway. So you could just let it go now and suggest he saves up for the his kids to come in say 2 years and if he doesn't you'll go with just the four of you? My 16 step child would love to go to Lapland regardless of Santa, just as a magical beautiful place, so their dad still has time.

The one part of your post that sounds odd is a 2 and 5 year old with ambition. They're just kids.

I agree with you on everything else though.

Does your DH not ask why they whinge? Doesn't he tell them to be grateful?

No...I would not pay for ungrateful kids, even my own.

Your SC can come on the next holiday - to Butlins instead and give this a miss, as they love Butlins so much.

In your position I'd take your kids and if you have a sister or parent who would be happy to come along and would enjoy it, take them instead of your DH.

Does he not feel bad that you spend your money on his kids and they're so rude and ungrateful? I'd be embarrassed if I was him.

Your DH chose a first wife whose values and ethics are different from his it seems.

That's a big part of the problem and the children are learning from her.

You're very sensible to keep separate finances in this situation.

As you have separate finances I see no reason why he cannot pay for his two. If he can't afford it then go either alone or take your mum/best friend. I totally get where you are coming from. You give them everything and get nothing in return. Yes they are tricky ages but manners cost nothing.

@Littlepaws18 and other with constructive feedback, I think this is just what I needed to hear. That someone else is in the same frustrating predicament.

We do try constantly, and we try like you i.e. taking them out to castles, historical places it just wears me down after a while hearing the "this is boring, I could be at home, why do we have to walk". To be honest I feel a little bit regenerated and supported knowing I'm not the only one and I'm probably just having a bad day and have let it all out venting...

I would like to point out it is just venting though, at no point do the children or their mother even hear me grumble. I let my husband and his ex wife sort the arrangements out and I don't get involved. I encourage the children when they are here and speak openly and positively about their mother Infront of them, we do hand overs between each other and i often invite her in. It's me (and husband) who goes shopping/crafting with them to buy/make mum birthday/mothers day gifts etc.

I only divulged into us as "working professionals" and "her background" to paint a picture that we are completely on two different solar systems when it comes to everything from work ethics, parenting and ideologies when it comes to education etc. We couldn't be more polar opposite if we tried. If this was through no fault of her own I would be sympathetic as everyone, including myself have fallen on hard times, but she chooses this lifestyle so it's hard to find common ground.

This is the first time I've actually ever spoken about feeling like this in 6years. I don't even speak to my family about it as I don't want People we know to have their opinions in our marriage.

Like I said, bad day maybe. I only specified that I pay to highlight that we keep our finances seperate, something which is important to the background information. My husband does financially provide too, we just do it out of our own money and incomes and keep it seperate.

So thank you for anyone who has replied with constructive opinions whether agreed or disagreed, it's always good to hear how people do things differently or give suggestions of of how things could be improved.

For the people who only gave unconstructive and subjective opinions without any advice or support on how to change or improve situation, thanks- but replying was pointless, it added zero to the conversation other than playground bickering that I don't wish to engage in.

Also, my error - for the "got pregnant in days". The 5 year old is actually 8, I was trying to safeguard him, he is not biologically my husbands but adopted. I tried to change the ages so if someone who knew us was to read this is wouldn't be so obvious, but obviously didn't think of the maths and clearly maybe I was overthinking it.

I actually had a whole year and a bit with his children before I got pregnant and then a further 9 months till their sibling appeared as thinking about it she will be 3 very soon (need to pick up a card!)

@summer... My husband hates that they are so rude and is constantly correcting them, but in a world were they are allowed to get a way with murder, we then come across as Draconian and end up pushing them away even more, it's a very hard, thin wire to balance on.

We often try and encourage them to save "but why, I have mum" is usually the answer. We initiated a conversation at dinner were we each said something we were grateful for "not living here and having to sit at a table" was just one of the replies. We tried something else, bit of engagement again, at the table we would say people's best and worst attributes as a fun game to get everyone laughing, literally point blank refused to come up with anything nice to say about me, at all.

I know it's a product of their environment, and I dont blame them at all, but I also know they are old enough to know right from wrong now and to have some sort of manners. I dont believe in painting them with the "they've had a rough time" brush, as it isn't an excuse, it allows them exceptions from time to time yes, but not a complete red card.

Like I said, I think after 6 years today was my breaking point were I finally needed to vent and get outsiders views.

OP, I suggest you take your kids on holiday without DH. This way he has no reason to feel guilty. Older kids are not going to enjoy lapland that much. Even if you can afford to pay for everyone I wouldn't. It is a once in a lifetime adventure specifically aimed at younger kids who still believe in santa. You don't want bored teens there.
As of other comments re mum on benefits with no ambition.. However frustrating it is there is nothing you can do. It is also not your problem to fix. There are several ways how your DH can discourage this thought process, but ultimately you personally should concentrate on your own kids.

TbF both their parents are setting the example of being funded by other people. Not just the mum.

I was looking at Lapland and the prices for day trips for this year are almost £1000 each. I dread to think how much 2 or 3 days will be in 3 or so years when my LO is ready to go
We keep our finances separate in our house, we put into a mutual pot for mutual bills and a bit of shopping but everything else is separate. I would never have it any other way. You have to be your own big girl knickers in life and cover your arse at all times. It has also served us very well with regards to money for dsc... I just can't get involved because I don't know anything (this almost changed this week but thankfully things have returned to normal).
It wouldn't occur to me to pay for my dsc to go on holiday with us in exactly the same way as it wouldn't occur to me to buy kids clothes/games etc. That's not a slur about the way I feel towards dsc, its just not the way we do things in our house. When we have booked holidays in the past if my ticket was say £1000 then I would just give dp £1000 and vice versa but his price would include the dsc. We did a lot of weekends away too but we would do that on a its your turn to pick and pay system but those weekends were most definitely child free and usually in the camper.
Now we have a baby I don't know how we will work it but I can honestly say I wouldn't pay for dsc to go anywhere but then that's just because it's how it's alway been done here.
If I was in your position, I would take my children on my own and offer dad the chance to come with us. Then it's his choice to make as to whether he stays at home, comes along alone or comes with his children. I would love to have had a few more memories to look back on with my mum, please don't let anyone take those precious memories with you away from your babies.

People picked up on you're tone in you're op. The fact you mentioned unconstrictive responses being pointless just demonstrated what people were saying that you come across rather self righteous in you're posts. You didn't answer my question about the dc having time alone with you're dh The drip feed about the adoption is actually a big thing is he biologically you're child? The stepchildren could struggle with a new children on the scene suddenly calling their df dad. Tbh a year and bit is still a fairly short time getting pregnant when there's existing dc in the picture blending should be taken with time and consideration. As for the days out my 12 year old would hate going to castles, it sounds like you're catering for the younger children not their likes and dislikes.

You sound like a snob. You think you are better than the mum and your step kids... also, your kids are so young, you have no idea how they will be once older.

My partner has a 3 year old, I have older kids, and he often comments on how lazy or rude they are, says "I'd never let my child act like that" 🙄, well let's wait and see shall we 😳.

Sorry but you don't come across very nice really.

Some of this sounds like different life attitudes but some of it just sounds like the very different ages of the dc.

My own tweens despite being brought up in the way you describe will grumble about going outdoors, leaving screens behind and having to clear up after themselves.

They have always had to do these things but honestly they act sometimes like we are torturing them.

Do they know how unacceptable their behaviour was on the last holiday? My boyfriend’s children are lovely (neither of them are teenagers yet though ) but I’d be really upset if we saved up to take them on holiday and they complained the entire time. And I can’t even imagine what my own mum’s reaction would have been if I’d acted like that

If your husband genuinely can’t afford to pay for them then I don’t think you and the younger children should miss out. I don’t think your husband should go too though. That way it’s more “Pelaz is taking them on a mummy trip to Lapland while they still believe in Father Christmas” and less “the four of us are going on a family holiday without you.” If it’s over a weekend when you would have had your step children then maybe they could do something fun with their dad? That might be very controversial though!

As for the days out my 12 year old would hate going to castles, it sounds like you're catering for the younger children not their likes and dislikes.

I have a sister who is quite a lot younger than me, so sometimes we went on days out that more targeted to her than me (although I don’t think castles are overly age specific) and sometimes we went on days out that I chose. I also had a step-brother who had very different interests to me, so sometimes he chose days out. It happens in families with big age gaps or different interests and I’d say a castle is quite a safe choice.

HalfTermHalfTerm alot for pre teens would find it boring. Ds is 12 then dd 7 then ds 4 so there is big age gaps but I do cater for ds due to him being older. Surely that should be the case when time is limited and an activity is something that he/she would enjoy.

@Teardrop2021 I don’t know what you mean by time is limited? I agree that your 12 year old should be the ‘focus’ of some of the days out, but (for me personally) it should only be around a third of them because you have 3 children!

Some pre teens might find it boring, I know plenty of children who would like it. It wouldn’t be my idea of a brilliant day out but my boyfriend’s 11 year old would love it! Even more so if there was a gift shop and somewhere that sold ice cream

The time is limited for ops stepchildren because they don't live with their df. I share my time with my 3dc but I recognised certain things I can't do with my youngest that I can do with the oldest. I tend to do stuff with the younger two when he's at his df and have one to one time when he's at home prior to the pandemic ds1 and dd would go to the pictures and I'd do something different with the youngest. Its about having some flexibility and it is important for ops stepchildren to have time with their df bonding because they don't live with him it doesn't have to been a full family affair.