Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

sorry, no opinion particularly on money, but having a teen, if I asked him to tell me at the dinner table one thing he was grateful for or nice attributes of family members he'd be horrified, and he is lovely and we have a good relationship!

it is rather cringeworthy and contrived, actually, no?

hell, I think I'd be horrified if I was asked to do that!

communication with teens is not easy, maybe a more relaxed attitude would help

Take your youngest Two children to Lapland... ❄️

Let your husband pay for at least One holiday for his elder children...

if he doesn't pay for the elder Two.. then you go alone with the younger Two 🌺

it's not that difficult ...

@missperegrinespeculiar

sorry, no opinion particularly on money, but having a teen, if I asked him to tell me at the dinner table one thing he was grateful for or nice attributes of family members he'd be horrified, and he is lovely and we have a good relationship!

it is rather cringeworthy and contrived, actually, no?

hell, I think I'd be horrified if I was asked to do that!

communication with teens is not easy, maybe a more relaxed attitude would help

I thought so too.

If I did it with my teen it would go as follows

Why? What are you asking this for? Is this one of those stupid ask your teen things you read on MN? Oh let me see what do I have to be grateful for? Not seeing my friends, not being able to go anywhere, being stuck in with my weird family forever?

Adults look at this type of activity as mindfulness and very worthy. Teenagers see it as a manipulative and patronising way of telling them to stop whining and be grateful for what you have no matter what they say.

Could you take yours always with a friend or sister, or your mother. That leaves DH to take his wherever he wants that they may find more interesting or just entertain them at home. There comes a point where you have to stand up for your natural children and give them a good life experience. It's the older children's choice to whine and be disrespectful. It's your choice whether you put up with it.

Presumably it isn't unfair that two of the kids have a PS5 (at their mum's house) and the others don't, so why is it unfair that the younger two get to go to Lapland and the others don't?

I hope you are okay OP... 🌺

They may have seen the dinner table conversation as pointless or annoying and I would expect and forgive a response like "this is stupid" or "do I have to", but to say they are grateful for "not living here" is just fucking rude tbh, and I wouldn't have much time for people who spoke to me like that regularly.

I wouldn't take them personally Lapland isn't cheap and as they are older and unlikely to enjoy it there's not alot of point.
It's ok to take your kids on holiday without them.

I do t think the OP has written them off. She's expressing disappointment with the deeply unpleasant behavior they are exhibiting. She's concerned. Who wouldn't be? She made a lot of financial sacrifices hoping they would all become a successful blended family and it's looking more like an endurance event at best. Who wouldn't be disappointed. I have teenage stepkids and neither would dream of being so spiteful or disrespectful. It's just not on.

Thank you for all your replies. They really have helped realise my feelings are valid. it's hard to write the entire situation as I would be here forever, so it's still not an entire, true picture, but still it's something.

I'd like to clarify my husband does also pay his way, however I came to the relationship in a better financial position and he is still trying to clear up the debt he accrued when trying to keep the first family household afloat due to her refusing to work (part of the reason the relationship ultimately broke down). He pays for his two almost entirely, school uniforms, extra curricular, holidays, pocket money, savings, clothes and stuff they need as and when and then he pays our two equally with myself, therefore I have a bit more disposable income than him. I only specified items I paid for as an example to how much I voluntarily put in extra to try and accommodate everyone.

We both try and do things with the kids seperately to make them all feel special and wanted, e.g. he's taking his eldest paint balling with his chosen friends, and we're taking his daughter (just her and one of her friends) to Harry potter studios. Before lockdown he would often take one out to the cinema or bowling alone to ensure they got just him time. I would also take them out to places on my own such as pottery barns to make their mother pottery vases etc. (This time is often fought for as mum refers to them as "her" children and often doesn't allow them to come, especially if we only want one for special one on one time).

The children haven't always been so anti- us, as it's not just me they are rude to, the eldest told his dad "you force us to come" when we said no one forces him his reply was "well you kind of do, cause other wise we'd all have to go to court" - we've never even spoke about court, not in private or even mentioned it to their mother, so I can only assume he is over hearing grown up conversations at home.

Ultimately, my argument is that I am very strict, and yes if the younger two were being rude I would stick to my guns in regards to discipline in the same way and not allow them to come. I have in the past gone on adult holidays without the children. I always follow through with threats and have donated the younger two's birthday gifts to charity when they have misbehaved to prove a point that you earn nice things and if they will not behave other children who may not be so lucky can benefit from their toys. Etc. So I just find it frustrating that the older two misbehave and have very little consequences. Yes, they may be upset and this is a factor to their behaviour which I accept, but it's not an excuse for their behaviour.

I suppose, like others mentioned blended families are a whirlwind of variables and I'll just have to keep putting a smile on and cursing to myself behind closed doors. My intentions have never been to make them feel segregated, which is why I have tried so hard to accomodate them.

Haven't RTFT but have been in similar position and decided to let go a bit and focus on my own DC and let DH sort his. Yes they may still continue to be a nightmare but detaching from it will save a whole lot of stress with your DH. You're supposed to be on the same team. Put your marker down re holidays for your DC and explain calmly and rationally to him. His response is only within his control and enjoy your DC if he chooses for it to be an issue with you.

You donated very young kids birthday presents to charity because they misbehaved! You've lost me. In the gentlest way possible, OP, that's really fucked up and spiteful. It's really rather sad. Your children must have been crushed.

You give your children’s birthday presents away? Including a two year olds? That’s not a normal level of strictness. Birthday gifts aren’t earned, they’re gifts to celebrate your birthday! Your poor children. I can see why you’re having problems. Different solar systems was spot on.

You haven't said, OP, how the children get on. How does your eight-year-old feel about all the comparisons? If you are having lengthy arguments with your husband about the Lapland holiday, your eight-year- old has probably picked up on the tension. Does he talk to the eldest ones about it? Are they good buddies?

That would be a good barometer of how things are going.

You are free to be as strict as you wish with your kids. As long as your OH is supporting your approach, you are doing nothing wrong.

However, if you are trying to project these in your SCs, their misbehaviour might just be their way to rebel against what is really strict behaviour and not so adaptable to teenagers.

You might be lucky that your kids will grow to be easy teenagers, but be prepared that they might not despite your discipline. It's well known that kids can totally turn against their parents in teenage years regardless of the level of disciplining they receive.

It sounds like you used to be quite close, so something has gone wrong that they are seeking to see you in such negative light. Don't just focus on their bad behaviour and just blame their mum, if you care, try to reflect on your relationship with them.

When did your husband adopt the 8 year old?

I think if I was one of his older DC, I'd be quite confused by that and that would likely manifest as resentment.

And I have to agree, giving away any child's birthday gifts is incredibly cold and cruel. To do that to a two year is quite unthinkable. Did that make you feel good?

The uniform, holiday, extra-curricular activities, pocket money - this is how the maintenance is delivered for the older two children?

Not sure whether you were mother to a child when you met DH, and your child is now eight-years-old and possibly in receipt of some financial support from his biological dad. Or I might have misconstrued the part about adoption. I didn't quite understand.

Either way, all the kids are having a fantastic example of working productively being modelled by yourself. And they can see that working hard gives you the money to afford nice holidays, as well as sports and healthy food - which, as I've stated, I think are more important essentials to focus on than extravagant holidays which eat up so much funding ( times being uncertain for all of us at the moment).

I think it’s fine to take your DC to Lapland just say it’s for younger children and don’t make a big deal of it.

Seems odd your partner has chosen to have children with such vastly different women!

It is unfair to compare wide eyed biddable younger children with teens and pre teens though. Apples and oranges. You will almost certainly see similar traits appear in your own children in a few years...however strict you may be. Or if you are too strict and overbearing as young teens they may become silent and cowed like the children of a similar sounding Uber mother I know became. It’s not a great outcome.

The second and third children in the blended family are aged ten and eight. It's going to be problematic saying Lapland is for 'younger' children. As a justification for taking the two youngest and not inviting the other two, it is unsatisfactory. Ten is also young and playful.

it's not just me they are rude to, the eldest told his dad "you force us to come" when we said no one forces him his reply was "well you kind of do, cause other wise we'd all have to go to court" - we've never even spoke about court, not in private or even mentioned it to their mother, so I can only assume he is over hearing grown up conversations at home.

This is quite sad really. It also seems to highlight though, that they don't enjoy spending time with their dad.

My brother is on a second marriage and his kids would never say they were forced to go to his house and I imagine most DC wouldn't feel forced.

In fact his DC would go there even when he's not in to spend time with SIL, as they have a good relationship.

I feel the poster who said it can only work if the mum is dead, must be coming from a bitter place, as that implies the mum is always the problem in blended families.

OP please ignore the flurry of posters telling you that you're a shit wife/mother/stepmother/human. I hate that so many WOMEN and MOTHERS are so bitchy and ignorant to the fact that you're a real person with real feelings. Fuck them all!

In reference to your OP, I'd take your kids to Lapland and tell your husband to stick it for being upset that you won't pay for his children to go. Whilst it's important that you spend time together as a blended family it's also important that the younger children have quality family time too. I don't see why you should have to pay for children who are seemingly disrespectful and uninterested in your home and family life.

I grew up in a blended family much like yours (my mum has children from a previous marriage) and I grew up resenting my older siblings for being so cold and distant and generally nasty towards my dad and me/my full siblings. Your SC may grow out of it but for now I'd stay strong and not cave in. My dad found the early years of his relationship with my mum incredibly difficult thanks to my older siblings and I have always wished that my mum had done more to stick up for us and gel us together a bit more. I think your husband needs to acknowledge the position you're in and the complications that come with it. It really sounds like you're trying. Best of luck

@Pelaz giving your children's birthday presents away isn't discipline, that's emotionally abusive. You sound horrible to be honest. Very cold and uncaring. If you are like that with your own biological children no wonder the step kids don't want to come.

When I was younger I was a bit of a shit, once my mum gave my presents to charity because I was being a terror. It didn't scar me for life and I learned a valuable lesson. It didn't happen again after that! I certainly don't view that as emotionally abusive, not by a long stretch.