Page 2 | Struggling blended family.

Butterfly44 · 03/02/2021 00:15

Firstly they are tween/teen age and this is a very testing age. Completely different to 'sweet' toddlers, so incomparable. There are no teens who aren't glued to some device. I would do what others suggest and go on holiday with them and your mum. It's a kids holiday. Your husband can spend quality time being a dad to his older kids. Finances need some talking about. There is strong resentment- you need joint accounts for certain activities. You also need to work on accepting your issues regarding mum. She will always be the kids mum, and she has every right to feel angry as long as she so wishes.

excelledyourself · 03/02/2021 01:29

When did your husband adopt your son?

Fastedbrownie · 03/02/2021 03:29

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

Remember as a step mum you're supposed to subsidise the poor step kids no matter what according to many on Mumsnet.

Step back into the real world. If you are fully paying for the holidays etc out of your own pocket you are under no obligation to pay for your DSC - fact they're ungrateful is more reason not to. They have two parents and they are responsible for them.

I can understand your DH not wanting them to miss out. Perhaps compromise is you take your two with say your Mum and he stays home with DSC.

Just get divorced at that point. Save the years of resentment and argument. Honestly, if you're at that point, there's no coming back from it. 'I would rather go on holiday with our children and my mum?' Yeah, well I would rather not wash your dirty underwear. There's the door, see you later.

MessAllOver · 03/02/2021 04:02

I'd take the kids on holiday and give your DH the choice whether or not to come (and, if not, invite your mother). Your stepchildren get to do things with their mother (and if she doesn't bother, that's her fault not yours) so your children are entitled to do some things separately with you. It sounds like you've tried your hardest to include them in a good amount.

BlueThistles · 03/02/2021 04:26

Take your youngest Two children to Lapland... ❄️

Let your husband pay for at least One holiday for his elder children...

if he doesn't pay for the elder Two.. then you go alone with the younger Two 🌺

it's not that difficult ...

MagentaDoesNotExist · 03/02/2021 04:58

@Pelaz

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

I haven't read the thread yet, just your OP.

It sounds to me like perhaps your husband had childen too young with the wrong person, and is a much better father now in his second marriage.

Yes you have tried hard to do everything a "model step mother" would do. And it's great how you've taken care of them financially.

But this is the problem with "blended families". Personally I do not believe it ever works, or I am yet to see it: someone really treating "step children" the same as their own. If you felt the same for them, that would be regardless of difficult behaviour etc - you'd be worried about them not resenting them and trying to exclude them - and if you're not willing to treat them equally, you should not have had children with a man who already had children. This is NOT their fault, they chose none of this.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 03/02/2021 05:05

When you married this man you took on treating his children as equal to any you might have subsequently. You chose that. As an adult. So suck it up and do it. I have zero sympathy for this I'm afraid, you should not have had more children with a man who had two already without thinking this through. Of course the 10 year old and 14 year old are more of a pain than the small ones! Especially with another parent in the mix. Not excusing her behaviour at all but really, did you expect this to be easy? Of course it would always be much harder for all of the children having half-siblings etc. But it is YOU and your partner that chose to create that situation for them, so do not blame the children for it.

Roastednotsalt · 03/02/2021 05:16

There’s been a lot of blended family stories on here recently and it’s always that the biological mum doesn’t work!

Does your husband pay maintenance for his eldest children?

You said he is a professional too why can he not afford to contribute to the family holiday it’s not your sole responsibility OP.

Abcdeisarealname · 03/02/2021 05:24

But this is the problem with "blended families". Personally I do not believe it ever works

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes.

Roastednotsalt · 03/02/2021 05:32

@Abcdeisarealname

But this is the problem with "blended families". Personally I do not believe it ever works

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes.

This is a terrible thing to say and I’m not apart of any blended family.

I can’t imagine things running smoothly when the children would be left without their beloved mother!

Reading these threads about SC... I’m not sure I would want any of it

Meggymoo777 · 03/02/2021 05:36

"A whole year and a bit" with them before you got pregnant? 🙄 And then you wonder why the girls may be rude or not as 'ambitious' as your 2yr old... Jesus Christ my head actually aches from posts like this...

Meggymoo777 · 03/02/2021 05:43

@Abcdeisarealname

But this is the problem with "blended families". Personally I do not believe it ever works

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes.

Jesus Christ... What absolute shite have I read on this thread?

An ex lurking?

Blended families only work when the Mum is dead??? What the actual fuck is wrong with everyone on MN tonight? My DS has a SM and she's amazing

OP... you actually don't come across very nice, seem very judgy of your 'step daughters', ridiculously judgy of their Mum and got pregnant way too soon with their father.., no wonder they don't bloody like you 🙄

Meggymoo777 · 03/02/2021 05:48

Maybe stop blaming them and their mother and try to empathise with the upheaval these girls have had, the introduction of a horrible stepmother in their lives far too soon, followed by siblings they probably never wanted and are obviously favoured over them by said horrible stepmother... Go to fucking Lapland with your own kids, stop making a big deal of it and maybe just try and put yourself on these girls shoes for 5mins 🙄

tolerable · 03/02/2021 06:05

deserving?
educate them.
dad can.obviously..re..why you work,have career,benefits of doing so they didnt ask for this crap.if they get flung into the water-help them back to her side.shes their mum.cant change that bit.
let it be called home and dads house.
stop berating her.
look in then out. im not very moneyish,if i have it,he can take it.ill buy shite ..so the own money is bit bizarre to me...
i understand totally the want to take wee yins.gotta drop the deserve.
its not helpful
neither spelling out ungrateful/moany
your s and at dads house=yours and dads rules.childfren react to structure and are perfectly capable of adhering and adapting.
you sound resentful to/about them/
why cant dad take them individual age appropriate weekend elsewhere. ?you do lapland...or you,him n own kids..if fixed on the familyness..then him n older ones do something they choose. or get babies lookt after n 4 of you go ape,thatll change your attitude yknoww

YourWurstNightmare · 03/02/2021 06:15

Surely the extra room and bigger car were to fit in the most recent children to the family? The children you chose to have knowing there were already two and knowing what size of house and car you already had?

Exactly this. OP, you're trying really hard to frame things a certain way but all that's coming across is your resentment for two innocent children who didn't ask for any of this.

Diverseopinions · 03/02/2021 06:25

Is one of the issues, OP, that you would like everything your husband does to be en famille with you, always. Would you see his spending time with his older two children, without you being there, as splitting himself, and would you fear that it would eventually come to feeling as if, in your eyes, he had two families - two sets of separate responsibilities?

I suppose I think that it's more fulfilling, sometimes, to see children as individuals and think of nurturing their special interests and goals. Maybe you are trying to define a sense of family as being a unit that enshrines certain laudable values and you are kind of stuffing people into that. Why not just see this family/ blended family as a looser kind of stretchy elastic band which accommodates giving everybody room to express their needs. See it as individuals being mutually supportive to one another - kids to one another; adults to kids; adults to adults.

Because, whilst it's great that you

chopc · 03/02/2021 06:38

So if all four kids were biologically yours, you would leave the two older ones at home if they were ungrateful? This is what it comes down to

evouk · 03/02/2021 06:41

I'd just go on your own with your two children, maybe when they're a bit older?

Funding all six of you isn't an option. DP's two kids will spoil it for your two so options are limited

MiddleParking · 03/02/2021 06:48

Laughing my head off at the ambitious two year old who loves travel, as reported by its mother who tries to be a snob in between saying things like ‘we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins’ and ‘as apposed to be glued to a device’.

Diverseopinions · 03/02/2021 06:50

I think I must have read part of your post wrongly. Surely visiting Lapland isn't your 'ultimate life goal'?
Going to Lapland would be a nice thing to do, but if the plan is causing a great number of disagreements with your partner, surely it would be better to relinquish it and think of a very Christmassy experience which has the benefit of also being pleasantly affordable. Sometimes, I feel, we relieve ourselves of a great deal of stress by not striving to do things which are extravagant, because having bigger savings can give you greater peace of mind.

To help understand your broader reference points and attitudes, would you feel ok about going with the younger children by yourself on holiday, or is it always very important that your husband is shaping his non-work time around you and him working together in tandem?

SpongebobNoPants · 03/02/2021 06:52

Surely the extra room and bigger car were to fit in the most recent children to the family? The children you chose to have knowing there were already two and knowing what size of house and car you already had?

This is bullshit. It’s not her place to accommodate his children. It sounds as though dad is allowing his new wife to take all the financial strain for expanding the family which is his responsibility and his choosing seeing as he is parent to all the children and OP to only 2 of them.

I suspect the real issue of resentment is that OP is spending her own money facilitating the lives of the SCs through paying for extra bedrooms, a larger car and for their holidays. These should firmly fall into the category of “dad’s responsibility” seeing as you don’t share finances.

Perhaps if dad was paying his way fairly (i.e. ensuring his kids are all treated equally instead of insisting the OP do it for him) or at least be grateful she is paying and encouraging his kids to show gratitude, then OP wouldn’t be harbouring resentment over the situation.

And to point it out is fucking galling when the exP/W chooses to not work out of sheer laziness whilst you work your arse off to provide for your kids but any treat you’ve worked hard to provide is then demanding by the SC’s parents to be shared with them.

If they want their kids to have these experiences / treats then they either need to pay for them themselves or teach their kids to be bloody respectful to the person paying for it.

SpongebobNoPants · 03/02/2021 06:54

Sorry there were a lot of typos in my post, I’m still half asleep... but you get the gist

Professionalworrier · 03/02/2021 06:59

I would bet that when they are at theirs mums they are complaining all the time too "dad brought us on holiday, you never do" "dads house has x,y or z, it's so boring here" "DH/OP cooks this, your cooking is crap" etc. They are at the age of peak ungratefulness and irritability. Your younger two will go through it but it will probably seem a little easier as you wont have the unknown factor of what's happening when they are at another house. As for the holiday. You are right, they probably will complain the whole time and be annoying little farts but they can do that on their fathers dime. I still wouldnt go without them though. If it means delaying the holiday by a year just so your DH can get the money saved then so be it. If their mum is petty and would rather score points than put the kids first, then it's even more important they arent left behind. The fun time party parent may be the bees knees now, but when they start to mature they will realise how dysfunctional the situation is, they will know how unfair it was for their mum to put them in the middle of disagreements, they will understand what their mum was doing by sending packed bags, they will reflect on how their relationship and view of you and their dad was coloured by their mums interfering. If the situation is how you describe they will end up resenting their mother, it make take awhile but they will get there. So it's really important when they reflect back on their experience in your home that they dont feel punished for what their mother is doing. They will look back as not being brought on holiday or being left at home with DH as proof they werent really part of your home. They are testing how far you will go, how conditional you and DHs love for them is. (Whilst also going through the standard but annoying know it all, everything is beneath me stage which I'm already dreading with my LO)
I totally understand how frustrating and upsetting it is so I dont envy the position you are in.

Professionalworrier · 03/02/2021 07:02

Oh lord sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Up since the wee hours with LO and I was rambling!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/02/2021 07:14

Typically you are getting unhelpful comments. Regardless of the stepkids behaviour, you are not responsible for funding their holidays - their parents are. I can't believe your husband expects you to pick up the slack.

I also sympathise with the ungratefulness. We took my stepson away on an expensive AI holiday and he stayed in his room the whole time playing video games, only appearing for meals. Even my husband said he wouldn't take him again (and he paid, not me).