Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

I’d take the little ones with or without their dad (ideally you’ll need another adult though, if only to get them in and out of snowsuits!) Let him take his kids to Butlins if they love it so much - or another holiday geared towards them at their ages, clearly not Greece though!

I don't see why it would be appropriate for him to go away with just his eldest kids, if it's deemed inappropriate for him to go away with just his youngest.

Oh, and OP, you might do well to remember that your partner thought enough of this woman to have 2 children with her. If you want to have a go at her, you really need to be looking a bit more closely at him.

Though I agree that OP should be judging her partner for his actions now (expecting her to pay for his kids), this is just an odd argument.

Do you always blame people for things their ex partner's do? How would that apply to an abusive scenario?

Just seems like an opportunity to flash the "first wife" card tbh.

@aSofaNearYou your comments are spot on 👌🏻

Just to add, my DP and his ex had a tumultuous relationship where she played games with him, refused to work etc. He cannot bear the woman or mother she has become. People can change.

@SpongebobNoPants, why has my question upset you so much? It was just to put something the op said into context.

Jesus wept back at you...

@Therealjudgejudy because it’s totally irrelevant to the post and is one of the annoying questions SMs always get asked. That and “were you the other woman”.
I was annoyed because it has nothing to do whatsoever with the OP and is quite frankly offensive.
I’m sure many of the other SMs who frequent this board will agree.

Please feel free to read the thread linked below to gain a better understanding of why it is offensive

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4135986-Evil-Stepmum-s-Greetings-Card-Collection?pg=1

and have donated the younger two's birthday gifts to charity when they have misbehaved to prove a point that you earn nice things and if they will not behave other children who may not be so lucky can benefit from their toys. Etc.

You said they are 2 and 5? Are you serious? This isn't being "strict" this is emotional abuse. 2 year olds and even 5 year olds are still learning how to identify and name their emotions, let alone control them. How could you do this to a child?? This will hurt them so, so much, it's so cruel. To make a point?

This sheds new light on your attitude to your "step children', for sure.

I hope you have a lot of money for therapy for all four of them. You criticise their korher but boast about this?

*father

Sorry I am so perplexed and furious reading this that I cannot type properly, it seems.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

You’ve had lots of advice. I’d add that, having been to Lapland - it would be a nightmare with teens. They’re too old for the Santa and snowman side of things, but too young to ride a snowmobile or appreciate reading a book by a cosy fire.

I’d take the little ones with or without their dad (ideally you’ll need another adult though, if only to get them in and out of snowsuits!) Let him take his kids to Butlins if they love it so much - or another holiday geared towards them at their ages, clearly not Greece though!

They sound ungrateful and their dad needs to do better, he doesn’t have to accept their mums lacklustre parenting on his time. Plenty of kids get used to different rules at different houses. It’s just down to setting expectations.

No, pretty much all research shows that consistency is good for children's development and mental wellbeing and "different rules at different houses" is exactly the opposite of what they need.

I have given ONE out of the whole kaboot of the eight year olds. This was not done in haste, or out of spite, he was calmly told that what he had done was wrong and to not do it again. He did it for a second time and we had a chat saying first time he gets advice about where his behaviour had gone wrong and how he could correct it (by not doing it again). Second time he was reminded that he has not listened and was given a warning that if he continues he does not deserve all of his presents and one would be given away to someone who would appreciate it. He then continued for a third time, so said threat was followed through.

Why would you make such a threat to a small child though? This is really extreme. Yes we need to carry through when we state consequences bur why would you even suggest such an awful consequence for (I assume as you've not said otherwise6 fairly normal behaviour for a child this age?

What on Earth did he do that was so bad to deserve this extreme punishment? Surely you are aware that more extreme consequences do not make a difference the behaviour outcomes, only the fact of having A consequence. So why were you being so pointlessly mean to a small child?

@aSofaNearYou

I’d take the little ones with or without their dad (ideally you’ll need another adult though, if only to get them in and out of snowsuits!) Let him take his kids to Butlins if they love it so much - or another holiday geared towards them at their ages, clearly not Greece though!

I don't see why it would be appropriate for him to go away with just his eldest kids, if it's deemed inappropriate for him to go away with just his youngest.

Agreed.

This entire thread is really disturbing.

@SpongebobNoPants, fair enough you find it offensive. This isn't about you though is it. Projecting your own agenda much. I'm more concerned about the OP's situation and her partners attitude that she needs to be paying for HIS children.

But why ask if he’s paying maintenance? It is completely irrelevant to the post.

@Therealjudgejudy Spongebob isn't the only one. It's shit asking completely irrelevant questions that all stepmum gets asked. They're designed to derail and point and fingers.

Exactly @Tangotoes. It’s a massive problem on this board and I’ll call it out whenever irrelevant questions are asked like this.

Sounds like a joyless existence for everyone. Hope that’s ‘contructive’, love 🥴😄

Sounds like there are a lot of men out there not paying Maintenance I guess..

@Therealjudgejudy I just eye rolled so heard you probably heard it. You seem accusatory, as with most people who ask that same question when it’s totally irrelevant to the OP.

@Pelaz

Just to add, I have never given a toddlers present away 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have given ONE out of the whole kaboot of the eight year olds. This was not done in haste, or out of spite, he was calmly told that what he had done was wrong and to not do it again. He did it for a second time and we had a chat saying first time he gets advice about where his behaviour had gone wrong and how he could correct it (by not doing it again). Second time he was reminded that he has not listened and was given a warning that if he continues he does not deserve all of his presents and one would be given away to someone who would appreciate it. He then continued for a third time, so said threat was followed through.

I'd hardly call it child cruelty, it wasn't the biggest, or the most expensive, it was actually a little stocking filler type present. He wasn't/hasn't been traumatised by it but funnily enough, when he gets warned now, he listens. Never had to do it again. We have the best relationship ever, from both his and my point of view. We talk, we leave each other notes when I go out to work, we have sleepovers when I'm off work/the husband is out at work and most of all we almost never clash or have behavioural problems (trust me, I'm aware this can and most probably will change in time, this isn't a gloat, it's a point to say regardless of what others judge about my parenting, it works for us, and that's all that matters).

And as for the rude comments on our dinner conversation getting them to say nice things, like I said at the time it was for fun. It wasn't formal or forced it came up through other conversation and the answers we were all suggesting were jokey things like "dad's worst attribute is snoring so loud people think there's an earthquake" etc. It was fun, we had fun, the eldest joined in and we was all laughing until the eldest had to come up with his own about me. And as for the poster who mentioned "what do we have to be grateful for, covid, no school, being stuck in etc".. that's exactly why we was having that discussion so that if any of them do have that feeling, we as a family can focus on the positives i.e. we're still alive, we have a roof over our heads, we have plans for the future etc. It's ok not to be ok.

This post isn't for people to comment on parenting styles or how we should discipline our children, as I may not particularly agree with other ways of upbringing either. It's to do with step parenting and the difficulties it brings in many different shapes or forms. Yes, I chose there dad, yes I chose them, does NOT mean I can't have a bad day or take the time to release a bit of weight off my shoulders once in every six years.

To people who stuck to the main topic, thank you, you generally have given some good advice and I feel a lot better knowing whether people agree or disagree they are still open minded with constructive advise/criticism who can help. Thank you.

You are a bully and should not be a parent at all.

Children learn kind behaviour by having it modelled to them. You are being cruel and then expecting them to behave well?

Hardly a shock that this hasn't worked. The problem isn't your "step children"'s mother. It is you. Your children will confirm this to you in time if you continue to treat all four of them so unkindly.

You are a bully and should not be a parent at all.

Children learn kind behaviour by having it modelled to them. You are being cruel and then expecting them to behave well?

Hardly a shock that this hasn't worked. The problem isn't your "step children"'s mother. It is you. Your children will confirm this to you in time if you continue to treat all four of them so unkindly.

Your bitterness is ooozing out of your every word .... are you in therapy ?

No. Why should I be in therapy or bitter? I have a very happy life thank you, what an odd comment. The OP told us that she is being deliberately unkind to children. Why would someone need to be bitter to object to this in your opinion?

@MagentaDoesNotExist

No. Why should I be in therapy or bitter? I have a very happy life thank you, what an odd comment. The OP told us that she is being deliberately unkind to children. Why would someone need to be bitter to object to this in your opinion?

you are very bitter 🌺

Hahaa ok, if you say so!

I'm happy for you to make up whatever you like if it makes you feel better.

Please God I pray that my own children don’t become step children & I know if I were to split up with my husband & meet another man if he had children , I would run faster than Usain Bolt .