Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

The older kids will live Lapland! They will get way more out of it than the little ones. I was 15 when I went and loved it. There's so much to do.
OP you sound a bit selfish to be honest. You married your husband knowing he had children. They are a part of him.

Do go on about how it's "selfish" not to pay for somebody else's ungrateful kids to go on holiday, when their own parent won't do it. Does he know he's got children?

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

@Abcdeisarealname

But this is the problem with "blended families". Personally I do not believe it ever works

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes.

This is crazy! I have SC and their mum is very much alive and it works very well.

The other parent doesn't need to be dead to make blended families work. The adults all need to be exactly that, adults. If you respect each other, support each other and put your difference aside it can work very easily!

OP, personally I couldn't go on a special family holiday without my SC no matter how ungrateful they are. However technically you wouldn't be doing wrong to do so but all it would achieve was breeding more resentment and hatred towards you. If I was you, and I have been there. I would kill with kindness. To mum and SC. Be a good role model, treat them fairly, grit your teeth through the horrible teen tantrums and ungratefulness. It will be exactly the same with your own children but so much easier as they're yours. Your SC will grow up and they will learn right from wrong, they will see what you're doing and one day it will pay off.

One of my SC is 17 now, he was vile to me for years and years. Similar set up to you, mum on benefits, us working hard. She'd stir and bring him into arguments He had very similar attitude to your SC. It was awful. We get on great now, he's apologised for how he used to treat me and his relationship with his mum is very strained for bringing so much drama to his life.

Also @willFOURbagsbeenough you’ve fallen into the trap a lot of women posting on this thread fall into... implying it acceptable for 2nd wives to solely fund everything for the children they jointly created with their DH because he has other children from a previous relationship.
No. It doesn’t work that way. If men choose to father more children then they need to take just as much financial responsibility for those children as they did the first time around in their first marriages.
They cannot expect the 2nd wife to support their joint children more than they will.

SMs have an obligation to pay for the children they created, dads have a financial obligation to all the children he has fathered. If he cannot accommodate the 2nd family as much as the 1st then he has no business to continue having children. All children should be treated fairly with regards to quality time, finances and housing.

Expecting the 2nd wife to fund all the costs of the family expansion is not fair and is often the source of blended family issues.

Ahhh @willFOURbagsbeenough we cross posted.
I retract aiming my last comment at you

You are going to get split views on this from all angles. You need to figure out what battles you want to fight with the SC and what you want to let slide. At their ages they should not be rude without consequences. They can say they dislike something without being down right rude. Your husband and you need to be on the same page. If you have previously funded holidays for his kids then want to ask why hasn't he paid if you both have good jobs? And i would say to him he needs to pay for his this time as you have previously and they just complained. So he needs to decide a) does he want to go b) does he want his kids to go and c) at thir ages i would ask them if they want to go ( and as nice as possible say this is where it is what is there and what we will be doing, so they are fully away and then if they go and moan you can say you was told before we come stop moaning). If they realise they can choose to go they may behave better and if they say no then win win. And yes, all teens are a nightmare, own or step

Also @willFOURbagsbeenough you’ve fallen into the trap a lot of women posting on this thread fall into... implying it acceptable for 2nd wives to solely fund everything for the children they jointly created with their DH because he has other children from a previous relationship.

Jesus Christ! Seriously- read!

Xpost @SpongebobNoPants, I’ll retract my last post too then!

If the blended family were a scientific experiment it would fail, there are just far too many variables within the group to make any comparison between the children.

Honestly, tweens and teens are a PITA, especially other people's. Enjoy and appreciate your little ones and accept that when they are the same ages as DSC they could well be very similar. Every parent always thinks they will do it differently but the crappy years come to us all at some point.

It's difficult being a DSC, in my case neither parent went on to have more children so it was a bit more simple but at the end of the day they are children and you are an adult. Your issues need to be worked out with DH. I don't see anything wrong with you taking the 2 little ones away on your own to an age appropriate activity and there really is very little point in taking the DSC at their age really so it's a bit of a non discussion. Financially if you were to take the DSC out of the equation how would you feel about contributing more than DH to the family pot? If the answer is it's fine then you need to think about how much you resent the DSC when they are children and didn't ask for any of this.

@aSofaNearYou I wasn't meaning she was selfish not to pay for the iolduay. That should be joint between the parents.
I meant she sounded quite selfish in her general attitude towards the older kids.

You've tried OP. It's ok to find out you've given too much and need to reframe your involvement. It's ok to not like your stepkids and to think they are turning into not very nice people. It's ok to step back. It will be hard for your husband but it's ok. It's not your emotional work. Take your two to Lapland and tell your husband he can come or not. You're trying to hold everyone emotionally and financially. It's too much. State your boundaries and don't get drawn into an argument. And decorate your little kids rooms!

I think you feel you have done your part financially and gone over and above for them and have not been shown gratitude. However, that's your role and more so you need to help them emotionally too.

Say that again, "that's your role"??

I shall take care to commiserate my DP on what a terrible job he did hiring a holiday-and-living-space-for-his-kids funder when he got together with me. That's my role, after all!

I despair about the entitled expectations on here sometimes. Hell, most of the time.

You're a mother to small dc & you may have minimal experience of teens but let me tell you that the posters on here saying this is typical teenage behaviour are WRONG!
Oh yes, of course, they couldn't possibly have a different perspective or experience.

As said, I saw a lot of my children in how OP described her SCs. Children who were angels as kids, difficult sollen teenagers and now lovely young adults I'm very proud of.

And yes, going through that stage with other parents, single or not, working or not, working class or highly educated, it was very typical behaviour, yet most kids turned out just fine.

And I totally agree with posters who say that however much you think they don't know what you think of their mum and then by procuration, they do know exactly how you feel about them and most likely the reason why they are showing in indirect ways that they don't like you.

My own SM didn't think much of me and my prospects at that age. She certainly never said anything bad about my mother or that she thought I was a failure in the making but not did I know that she thought very little of me. In my case it actually helped me as I couldn't wait to prove her wrong and I did.

There is nothing worse as a teenager to have an adult already writing you of. It's bad when it's a teacher -and they too don't have to say anything directly to let students know what they think if them-, even worse when it's family.

This is a co.ometrly different matter to the issue of finances where OP certainly should have to fund their holidays if she doesn't want to, although again, it's one of those indirect way they will know she doesn't care much for them.

I wasn't meaning she was selfish not to pay for the iolduay. That should be joint between the parents.
I meant she sounded quite selfish in her general attitude towards the older kids.

How so? She sounds like she doesn't like their attitude much, probably because, y'know, they are not behaving in a very likeable way and are outwardly rude.

She sounds a bit naive about her own kids due to their age, but that is pretty much completely besides the point of this thread.

What she cannot be described as by any stretch of the imagination, is selfish, due to the amount she has already put up with being expected to dish out for HIS children, way above the call of duty.

OP, sorry to see the usual sniping and spite from the stepmother haters.

It's tricky when the children's mother is so feckless. Your DH needs to accept that he funds all of his children and you have no obligation to fund children of a mother too idle to get a job.

Enjoy Lapland without the moaning miseries.

you have no obligation to fund children of a mother too idle to get a job.

Their mother is irrelevant in terms of funding the holiday. OP has no obligation to find children of a father too much of a cocklodger to fund them himself.

How so? She sounds like she doesn't like their attitude much, probably because, y'know, they are not behaving in a very likeable way and are outwardly rude
Not clear which is the egg and chicken here, but her attitude towards them and mother certainly won't be helping.

I wouldn't even be surprised if what they say about being in benefits is just because they know it will get the reaction they expect.

Their father are picking them up on it so that's good. They should be told off, but clearly there is an issue with how they feel about OP.

Bingo!

Blending families is hard at the best of times. Blending families with vastly different values is incredibly difficult. I would t be assured that these two kids are going to turn into wonderful people. They may well turn into exactly the type of person their mother is abs you need to have firm boundaries in place. You shouldn't have to deal with being disrespected in your own house. I wouldn't take that from my own kids or my step kids. You need a clear plan with your DH to deal with that behavior.

You sound like you tried all you could to make this work and make them feel included. Of course it isn't nice to have it all thrown back in your face. And your kids missing out so obviously has made you reevaluate. That's perfectly fine.

@aSofaNearYou but when she got into a relationship with their dad, she accepted his children. She has to have some involvement with them, they are part of her family now.
The behaviour of the children is actually typical of their age. And the fact they rushed their relationship won't help at all.
My children didn't meet my partner for over 8 months and they were similar ages to the step-children in this post. It took us another 4 years to have a baby.
I don't say bad words about my step-daughters mother, even if I don't agree with her lifestyle, I understand everybody lives differently.
I also make every effort with my ex-partners wife. She is after all a big part of my children's lives.

@supersonicginandtonic she has accepted them. She’s funded a bigger house, bigger car and expensive holidays for her SCs. But accepting them doesn’t mean being an endless pot of money for the SCs and their father.

OP go to Lapland, enjoy the experience with your children.

@supersonicginandtonic What is the point of these banal "she knew he had kids and accepted them" statements. Obviously she knew, obviously she will have to have involvement with them. She sees them regularly and has poured a load of time and energy into them, not to mention money. Is that not involvement? If she didn't have involvement with them, she wouldn't be spending any time with them, which she clearly is so what is the point in pointing that out?

She specifically says that she doesn't speak negatively of their mother to them and has the appearance of an amicable relationship with her so I'm not sure why people keep talking as though she bad mouths her to them.

The point of this thread is whether she should be expected to pay for them to go on holiday. It's one step forward two steps back to then be hit with a load of irrelevant comments about how she knows he has kids so needs to have involvement with them and mustn't criticise their mum to them, as though that is in any way what she says is happening.

OP have you posted before. The adoption of the older child rings a bell. Maybe about holidays or snacks?

I feel for you and think you are having a hard time of it.Step families are about "blending" ,but every family has their own way of doing things and with you and your DSC there is a very big gulf to fill! Teens are like a different species TBH ,they are growing up and have 2 very different role models!I would simply take the LO with you and a friend/DM/DS or whoever.Teens wont enjoy it ! Many teens wont want to go for walks ,Castles/Museums and so on .They would rather be on their phone /PS4/5 or whatever .This is no reflection on you .As they grow up and get BF/GF/friends to hang out with ,their visits to you may lessen anyway.As far as their DM is concerned ,many people who are not well qualified prefer not to work .This is obv a Moot Point as DH and I were brought up to work /save /get good jobs and so on .Many people dont have this and prefer benefits ,as they dont have to get up and work long hours in shitty jobs>Maybe not fair on the rest of us tax paying folk but there we go!Obv ATM there are very few jobs around anyway

@Oswin

OP have you posted before. The adoption of the older child rings a bell. Maybe about holidays or snacks?

Why does that matter?

I would t be assured that these two kids are going to turn into wonderful people. They may well turn into exactly the type of person their mother is abs you need to have firm boundaries in place
They may or they may not yet OP seems to have already decided on their future which is totally unjust and disrespectful of her OH, after all, they are half his.

I find it really hard to conceive adults making such judgements on teenagers who had to cope with significant changes in their lives, be it teachers, grandparents, distant relatives or step-parents. Fair enough to have little faith in them once they have fully entered adulthood, but at 14 and 10 it's unjustifiable, whatever their behaviour, which in this instance sounds very typical anyway.