Struggling blended family.

[Pelaz]

Help! (Very, very long rant.)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We are both professionals and go out to work. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, (14yrs/10yrs) and we have two children of our own DD 5yrs and DD 2yrs.

I was introduced to his children when they were four and eight and like to think I have gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. I have been in the youngest life longer than what I haven't. Their mother has been toxic from day one, she doesn't work - out of choice, stating she gets more from benefits than she would if she worked, as shock horror that would mean having to pay her rent.

We explained from the word go that we always wanted the children to feel that they had two homes as apposed to "dad's house". I personally (not dad) paid 10k of my own money to get an extra room for his eldest, I personally (not dad) paid to get a seven seater so we could all fit in the car together, we pay for ALL school lunches, extra curricular activities, clothes for both houses and holidays etc. (Our biologic children haven't even had their old lady rooms decorated since moving into our new house 3yrs ago.)

Birth mum has always made it difficult for us to see/have any involvement with the children. She plays mind games with them all the time, she has told them straight up that no one can have two homes, and that they should call ours "dad's house". She gets them involved in disagreements, showing them messages and making them aware there is trouble in the water, then drops them in the middle and tells them to choose a side. She sends them with clothes and pre made bags that she packs herself despite us having everything we need for them here. She makes all decisions relating to the children without any input from dad- doctors/dentist/school etc and we only find out in hindsight. She gives them anything and everything they want to compensate for her ignoring them for TV/Facebook/men - including a brand new ps5 (whilst on benefits). This is literally just the surface but hopefully you get the picture.

The thing is, six years later, they are turning into mini her, they have no ambition in life and often whinge about why we go out to work, reflecting that the benefit system is the way of life. They visit and whinge from day one, they blatantly state they don't want to be here and we "drag" them. They don't tidy up after themselves and genuinely believe that's what our job is. They are constantly glued to some sort of computer/phone and are completely disrespectful to myself and their two siblings, the eldest even asked his father "why do you put up with her?(me)" whilst I was there in the room (obviously dad put him in his place). This is a world apart from our two, who have routine, ambition, love to be outdoors, travel, clean up after themselves and talk as apposed to be glued to a device. As they are getting older the divide is becoming more and more obvious and my patience more and more thin.

My husband and I keep our finances seperate, and I have often used my own money to take everyone on holiday abroad etc, however the last holiday (2 weeks in Greece) his two moaned for two weeks straight how bored they were and how Butlins would have been better and that they cannot wait to get home (we was practically at the Greek version of Butlins).

So this year, after saving and being my ultimate life goal I wanted to take the children to lapland before they get too old, however I explained to my husband that I cannot afford to take his two, especially as they will spend such magical time whinging and saying they'd rather be at home(also one is not a believer). I told my husband I would obviously love to go as a family but he would need to fund his two, to which he couldn't. We have since been in a constant argument as apparently that means that i either have to fund the very ungrateful children who don't even want to be there or not take the other eager and well deserving two at all.

I love my husband and I love all our children. But I do not love that our two children are having to compromise to accommodate such ungrateful young children.

We each think the other is wrong and we just cannot agree on this. I have tried so hard from day one, I've been there for school plays, dentist appointments, pickups, night terrors, etc and financially provided for holidays abroad, savings accounts, house conversions etc and still get treated like crap from them, my main argument is not to do with his or mine, it's to do with who is deserving, and from my view point they do not deserve to go due to their behaviour and their ungratefulness on the last holiday, therefore I'm not going to break the bank to get them there. It would be the same for my two biological children should they be so rude/ungrateful. I have however said if he feels differently he can find them, but that is a no too.

So to summarise I don't actually know what I want, am I wrong? Is he wrong? Does it ever get easier? Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP do what is best for you 🌺

You sound horrible to be honest. Very cold and uncaring.

I can't imagine leaving a comment like this and thinking I was the authority on being nice...

@aSofaNearYou absolutely!

She talks about giving away the birthday presents of a toddler. Were you a toddler @Hillary111 ? It's not something I'd call "strict".

Does your husband pay Maintenance for his eldest 2 children?

@Therealjudgejudy what relevance is this to the OP’s question about wanting to take her kids to Lapland with her own money?

Jesus fucking wept!

You sound horrible to be honest. Very cold and uncaring.

I can't imagine leaving a comment like this and thinking I was the authority on being nice...

I couldn't agree more.

Omg this thread is hilarious. Op please ignore most of the comments. I’m an SM, my SD turned into a brat around the age of 10. I’ve known her since she was 2 and a bit. Her BM ( omg I said it) has a very different attitude to money. We are the poorer couple but we save and are cautious with money. BM however likes to keep up with the “Jones” and thinks nothing of getting into debt however SDs attitude to money and how you get it worries me. I used to buy things for my SD myself, like uniform, treats, bikes but nothing was good enough. But a family holiday finished me off really. She was so ungrateful and it was the last thing I ever done for her. Forget paying! She doesn’t come on holiday with us at all now. My son is now 14, he has never behaved the way she has. So if some posters think your strict, well your actions are pretty fair to me. My H had children when we met, i agreed to support the upbringing of that child not be a doormat to her or her BM.

Just to add, I have never given a toddlers present away 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have given ONE out of the whole kaboot of the eight year olds. This was not done in haste, or out of spite, he was calmly told that what he had done was wrong and to not do it again. He did it for a second time and we had a chat saying first time he gets advice about where his behaviour had gone wrong and how he could correct it (by not doing it again). Second time he was reminded that he has not listened and was given a warning that if he continues he does not deserve all of his presents and one would be given away to someone who would appreciate it. He then continued for a third time, so said threat was followed through.

I'd hardly call it child cruelty, it wasn't the biggest, or the most expensive, it was actually a little stocking filler type present. He wasn't/hasn't been traumatised by it but funnily enough, when he gets warned now, he listens. Never had to do it again. We have the best relationship ever, from both his and my point of view. We talk, we leave each other notes when I go out to work, we have sleepovers when I'm off work/the husband is out at work and most of all we almost never clash or have behavioural problems (trust me, I'm aware this can and most probably will change in time, this isn't a gloat, it's a point to say regardless of what others judge about my parenting, it works for us, and that's all that matters).

And as for the rude comments on our dinner conversation getting them to say nice things, like I said at the time it was for fun. It wasn't formal or forced it came up through other conversation and the answers we were all suggesting were jokey things like "dad's worst attribute is snoring so loud people think there's an earthquake" etc. It was fun, we had fun, the eldest joined in and we was all laughing until the eldest had to come up with his own about me. And as for the poster who mentioned "what do we have to be grateful for, covid, no school, being stuck in etc".. that's exactly why we was having that discussion so that if any of them do have that feeling, we as a family can focus on the positives i.e. we're still alive, we have a roof over our heads, we have plans for the future etc. It's ok not to be ok.

This post isn't for people to comment on parenting styles or how we should discipline our children, as I may not particularly agree with other ways of upbringing either. It's to do with step parenting and the difficulties it brings in many different shapes or forms. Yes, I chose there dad, yes I chose them, does NOT mean I can't have a bad day or take the time to release a bit of weight off my shoulders once in every six years.

To people who stuck to the main topic, thank you, you generally have given some good advice and I feel a lot better knowing whether people agree or disagree they are still open minded with constructive advise/criticism who can help. Thank you.

Just to add, I have never given a toddlers present away 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have given ONE out of the whole kaboot of the eight year olds.

This was your post OP. You were very clearly discussing both your children. The younger of which is only 2. You’re back-pedalling now.

I always follow through with threats and have donated the younger two's birthday gifts to charity when they have misbehaved to prove a point that you earn nice things and if they will not behave other children who may not be so lucky can benefit from their toys.

@willFOURbagsbeenough your such a nerd, do you go through every post with a fine tooth comb. Or did a nasty old SM take one of your presents away from you when you were little?

I hope you get to Lapland with your youngsters OP... we loved it ❄️🎁🎅🏼

The youngest is two. Her last birthday was height of initial lockdown so no charity shop were open. The birthday before that she was one, how can you misbehave at one?

I don't deny that's what I clearly wrote, but I'd say I'm correcting myself as apposed to backpedalling.

I have never given the toddlers presents away for misbehaviour, although we do routinely go through our toys and they have to choose which they give away to charity in general.

I think the post you highlighted although written badly on my behalf (multitasking) I was ultimately trying to say if I would discipline the two youngest then the two oldest should equally be disciplined for rude behaviour.

Ok so you understand people can only go on what you post and that’s what you posted so you understand why people were horrified that you deemed a toddler badly enough behaved to deserve having a birthday present given away? Bad enough taking the 8 year olds birthday presents IMO but a two year would be just bonkers.

[quote Witchymclovely]@willFOURbagsbeenough your such a nerd, do you go through every post with a fine tooth comb. Or did a nasty old SM take one of your presents away from you when you were little?[/quote]
I didn’t need to go through every post, why would I? She only mentioned the presents in one post.

Regardless of whether they are grateful or not etc, he is financially responsible for them not you, and the fact he'd expect you to pay for all that alone is awful x

@Missingthebridegene

Regardless of whether they are grateful or not etc, he is financially responsible for them not you, and the fact he'd expect you to pay for all that alone is awful x

very true 🌺

What age were his kids when he split from his former partner?

It does work, but only when the birth mother has died. I know several blended families that work brilliantly, but there isn’t an ex lurking or 2 homes

Yeah, if only those pesky birth mothers would have the good grace to drop dead, eh? Leave the parenting to the non-benefit claiming, professional women who’s toddlers have drive and ambition and a will to get ahead in life.

Jesus fucking wept.

Oh, and OP, you might do well to remember that your partner thought enough of this woman to have 2 children with her. If you want to have a go at her, you really need to be looking a bit more closely at him.

You’ve had lots of advice. I’d add that, having been to Lapland - it would be a nightmare with teens. They’re too old for the Santa and snowman side of things, but too young to ride a snowmobile or appreciate reading a book by a cosy fire.

I’d take the little ones with or without their dad (ideally you’ll need another adult though, if only to get them in and out of snowsuits!) Let him take his kids to Butlins if they love it so much - or another holiday geared towards them at their ages, clearly not Greece though!

They sound ungrateful and their dad needs to do better, he doesn’t have to accept their mums lacklustre parenting on his time. Plenty of kids get used to different rules at different houses. It’s just down to setting expectations.

I read your long post and just thought

(a) You are in doormat/martyr territory and it's doing you no good.

(b) Your husband is ineffective eg hasn't grasped the reins regarding his DCs disrespecting you, sits back watches you spend £1000s on his DCs

(c) You're preoccupied with his ex-wife and what she does and doesn't do, yet the main problem is actually within your own household - ie your husband. You're projecting onto her.

OP you will love Lapland... I hope you enjoy it with your youngsters 🎁

You don't need to justify yourself OP about your disciplining your kids. Nothing you do is shocking and it's all about how you discuss things through. You seem to be very open talking about your feelings and that can make tougher disciplining absolutely fine.

However you need to take a step back from your negative outlook of your SCs, analyzing everything they say and reaching conclusions that don't have strong enough foundations. Let them developed as they will. Maybe they will both turn up as their mum, and if they do it's unlikely anything you do now will change it. But they might also turn out to be very different. Either way, they will become THEM and your DH will still love them deeply.

Take your kids away if you want to, it's quite nice to go away with just your kids without the other parent there, the dynamics can be quite different. It might also be a good time for your SCs to come to their dads without you and their step sibling there. Everyone benefits.

Lapland - it would be a nightmare with teens

That isn't necessarily the case just because it was your experience. My cousin took her 14 year old, 12 year old and 8 year old and they had a ball. As I said my 16 year old SC wants to go this winter if possible. For some it's a winter wonderland adventure not about Santa.