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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU here?

160 replies

Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:17

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 25/01/2021 16:18

How old are they?

Iwonder08 · 25/01/2021 16:19

What is your DH's view? Did he ask if you are happy to look after the dsc full time?

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:20

9 and 11

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:21

What is your DH's view? Did he ask if you are happy to look after the dsc full time?

He's happy they'll be here full time. No one really asked me about any of it. It was just like, "oh by the way, this is happening."

OP posts:
Robbybobtail · 25/01/2021 16:21

Your DH didn’t even ask you if you’d mind? Seems he’s the problem here!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 25/01/2021 16:22

YANBU

I'd be questioning if she had discussed this with DH previously?!

ChrissyPlummer · 25/01/2021 16:23

My ex was like this (note he’s an ex!). Slightly different in that we weren’t married and had no DC of our own but his ex-w would regularly ask him stuff like this and he’d just agree without asking me.

RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:23

You aren't being petty.

As a freelancer/contractor you need to ask everyone who is involved in looking after your children in advance if it is fine if you take particular roles if they would involve staying away from home overnight or for longer periods of time.

I would suggest you continue looking for jobs and if you get one where you can get childcare for your own children then take the job and sort out that childcare.

Then make it clear to your DP that you are not his default childcare option for his other children so he has to sort it out for them.

sadpapercourtesan · 25/01/2021 16:23

At those ages you will be providing a full childcare service, so it's fucking rude and inconsiderate to just dump them on you without consultation. Irrespective of how easy they are.

I would tell DH he needs to organise leave for himself to care for them or pay a childminder. If you'd been consulted and involved in the decision-making, with all the respect due to an adult, then I would say you should agree to look after them, because they're his children and part of your family - but for it to be assumed is just offensive.

anotherboyontheway · 25/01/2021 16:23

I'd be angry! I'd atleast expect DH to ask you rather than just assume you'll look after his kids, you're right, she's benefiting of your position!! I'd ask your DH what his plans are for his childcare of his children for those 3 months whilst he's working , if he responds with "oh I assumed you would" then you should reply that you've never been asked and your feelings weren't considered so he shouldn't assume anything!xx

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:24

If I raise it with him he just twists it to take it to mean that I don't want DSC here, which isn't the case. I'm just annoyed at feeling taken for granted, but it doesn't make any material difference, really, so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable saying anything.

OP posts:
Robbybobtail · 25/01/2021 16:24

He's happy they'll be here full time. No one really asked me about any of it. It was just like, "oh by the way, this is happening."

I think it’s terrible he didn’t even have a discussion with you, yes. To present it to you as a fait accompli suggests he thought you may push against it so they’ve just sorted it out between them so now you’ll feel like a troublemaker if you kick up a fuss. Very disrespectful IMO.

HE is the one you should be angry with though (not the ex, and definitely not the dsc’s)

RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:26

OP you are being gaslighted.

Your actions will speak louder than words.

Just find yourself a job and sort out childcare for your own children. Make sure he pays half of it if he's their father.

Then leave him to sort out childcare with his ex for their own children and make sure you are not paying for it.

Crazzzycat · 25/01/2021 16:26

You absolutely should have been consulted. It doesn’t matter that you’re home anyway. If you want someone to do you a favour, you ask, you don’t just assume!

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:27

I would tell DH he needs to organise leave for himself to care for them or pay a childminder

The thing is, would I not just look like the world's pettiest bitch if I waved DSC off to a childminder every day while I stayed at home with my two?

Any solution that doesn't involve me doing 100% of their care makes me look bad, even though I had nothing to do with creating this situation.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:28

OP another option (if possible when there is no lockdown), is to plan and then go away with your own children to one of your relations during his working week for a few days. Give him 2 weeks notice.

If he kicks up a fuss saying you can't go ignore him, then just drop his kids off at his workplace reception and go.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:30

OP another option (if possible when there is no lockdown), is to plan and then go away with your own children to one of your relations during his working week for a few days. Give him 2 weeks notice

One of my DC is at school so this wouldn't be possible.

If I did this during lockdown, DH would expect me to take DSC with me. (In fact I have done this in the past.)

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:30

The thing is, would I not just look like the world's pettiest bitch if I waved DSC off to a childminder every day while I stayed at home with my two?

The childminder doesn't need to do their full-time care just two days in the week. If there is a reasonable age gap between your children and his oldest, you can use that as the excuse for needing one-to-one time with yours.

RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:31

If I did this during lockdown, DH would expect me to take DSC with me. (In fact I have done this in the past.)

He can expect but your own relations don't have to accept his children being in his house, and there is nothing he can do about that.

RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 16:32

their house rather.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:34

It's not even about the DSC anyway. I can look after them no bother. It's more that this was all decided and I just got told about it after the fact, yet none of it can actually happen without me IYSWIM?

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 25/01/2021 16:35

OP, i personally wouldn't agree to that, however if you want to be nicer at least offer your DH to cover a half of their time in your house, he should take annual leave to be with his child for the other half

SoupDragon · 25/01/2021 16:39

You can't just dump the DSC with a childminder - it's not their fault! They've already been "dumped" by their mother for 3 months.

You absolutely should have been consulted about this though - that is a given. The problem is your DH who has just agreed to this without checking.

Blacktothepink · 25/01/2021 16:50

They’re taking the piss out of you op 😡

LadyGrey4 · 25/01/2021 16:55

That's really unfair and I wouldn't be happy!