AIBU here?

[Yesididmeantobesorude]

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

So the ex, may have known he would jump at the chance, and low and behold she would have been right, he did, he was happy to just say yes and take full responsibility for his children as he should were possible. His kids from his first marriage are just as important and deserve the same time with him as his ones from his second relationship.

But he wasn't offering his own time to look after them, he was offering someone else's. Can you really not see how crazy that is and how much more shocking that is than the ex being partially held accountable on an online forum?

"He should have discussed it with his new wife" is a massive understatement. He should have ASKED her if she was willing and understood that it wasn't an option if not, no matter how happy the thought of having them there made him.

he was happy to just say yes and take full responsibility for his children as he should were possible. His kids from his first marriage are just as important and deserve the same time with him as his ones from his second relationship
All very well but he isn’t taking responsibility is he? The kids should be just as important to him but that’s not what’s happening here at all.
Jesus is having a hard time on this thread.

But he wasn't offering his own time to look after them, he was offering someone else's.

He has said he would take them to work if necessary, and I have said he should have discussed it with his new wife

Can you really not see how crazy that is and how much more shocking that is than the ex being partially held accountable on an online forum?
I was aware it was an either or situation ? Yes I have said he should have discussed it with her and the communication is obviously rubbish. And I also think that this lies solely with him, not palming off part of the blame on the ex.

@Bourbonbiccy It's not an either or situation but you are inflating one problem and massively understating another.

I agree with you that her DH is at fault. But you have consistently painted the situation as though it was understandable for him to jump at the chance without any thought of the person that would actually end up doing the childcare and reasonable for him to assume that because they are "a unit" she wouldn't have a problem with doing it and wouldn't even need consulting. You have dismissed the emotional blackmail involved in putting OP in a position where she must either just crack on and do it, or make a clear statement to her SC that she does not want them there, something they are too young to understand as adults do and would be hurt by.

Maybe the ex checked with OPs husband before taking the contract, maybe she didn't. If she didn't, then yes she has been unreasonable, though not as much as OPs husband for not immediately saying he couldn't accommodate it, unless he had a plan that didn't involve OP. But that's just not really the main point. Why focus so much on whether the ex deserves any blame, whilst downplaying the absurdity and audacity of the situation for OP?

@Bourbonbiccy

the mum has unilaterally taken the decision to dump the kids

Hardly "dumping" they are staying with their father.

In that case why all the uproar with single mothers left with custody and sporadic contact from their fathers?

It's not an either or situation but you are inflating one problem and massively understating another.

No, I am discussing both and giving my opinion on them..

she wouldn't have a problem with doing it and wouldn't even need consulting.
I never stated she wouldn't have a problem with it, I have said he didn't and I have repeatedly said that he was wrong for not discussing it with her ??

You have dismissed the emotional blackmail involved in putting OP in a position where she must either just crack on and do it, or make a clear statement to her SC that she does not want them there, something they are too young to understand as adults do and would be hurt by.
No, what I have said is that if the father has decided he wants his kids at his home 100% of the time, he should be able to do that (discussing it with new wife first) and if that means he has to take them to work to facilitate that, that should be a choice he should be able to make. (After discussing it)

I do think if you marry someone who has kids, his door should always be open to those children so long as he is the one taking responsibility for them, wether that's tasking them to work or getting a childminder.

If the OP feels her actions,of not having them at home with her comes across as rude or uncaring then that is something she has to address, not refuse the father having his kids.

Yes he should have discuss it first, if she said she didn't want them there for her to look after (which I know the OP has said isn't the issue) he can then say well I will take them to work with me but I want them to be at home with me and that should be a viable option.

Why focus so much on whether the ex deserves any blame, whilst downplaying the absurdity and audacity of the situation for OP?
I am not downplaying it, I am giving an opinion of it. As others have been trying to blame the ex in this and her behaviour, I merely said the focus here is between the OP and her husband and how they dealt with it.
He dealt with it badly by not consulting her (as I have said all the way through), and by the sounds of it he was going to say yes to having the kids anyway as he is excited to have them, which is understandable, but he went about it wrong.

Years ago my husband would have done exactly the same. If fact he did exactly this for a whole term.

But he wouldn't have expected me to be hands on, he would have made his own arrangements such as taking them to the office around school pick ups and drop offs.

Maybe that's the difference. It puts you in a difficult spot but as a dad he's stepping up for his children, he just went about it in a disjointed way. And that he didn't realise it was disjointed and presumptive until you mentioned it.

I understand that with lockdown this changes things as suddenly the children are at home. I used to be on hand to mind ours if he couldn't do school runs etc, but it was clearly never expected.

I'm not sure he's done anything wrong, he's managed the communication badly as far as I can see, but that's all.

@Bourbonbiccy setting aside the issue of whether the ex is to blame as I just don't think that issue is paramount, your comments now seem to reflect what the rest of us are saying, so I can't and won't argue with them. But earlier there was a through line in your comments that his decision not to ask her wasn't all that bad, you even said he probably assumed that as they were a unit it wouldn't be an issue. To me, that is an unacceptable assumption and not a valid excuse.

The comment by OP saying her husband said he would take them to work didn't sound like he planned on doing that every day to me, it sounded like he would do it IF it was a problem for OP on any given day, as if in general they would still be with OP. I can't see why you can't see the emotional blackmail in putting OP in a position where she needs to make the statement that she doesn't want them there and would rather they were sent out to work with dad than be at home with her. In reality it should never have been expected of her, so to make her take the rap for that is a shitty thing to do. OP sounds like she is just going to end up putting up with this out of fear of causing upset due to the awkward position he has put her in, which is sad really.

I know @SpongebobNoPants! Really think I'll have to leave MN as my blood is boiling on a regular basis these days lol.
There is a complete lack of common sense pervading a lot of these threads.

your comments now seem to reflect what the rest of us are saying,

My goodness....mviews and opinions have not changed from the start ???!!!!

you even said he probably assumed that as they were a unit it wouldn't be an issue.

Yes and he probably did

To me, that is an unacceptable assumption and not a valid excuse.

Yes , AGAIN I have always said this is not okay not to discuss it !! My goodness !

The comment by OP saying her husband said he would take them to work didn't sound like he planned on doing that every day to me, it sounded like he would do it IF it was a problem for OP on any given day, as if in general they would still be with OP.
But you have no idea of that, and if he offered and the OP was upset about, just make him take them every day. She can't say they can't be there but it will upset her, to upset them, going to his work. It's one or the other in the situation she is now in.

putting OP in a position where she needs to make the statement that she doesn't want them there and would rather they were sent out to work with dad than be at home with her. In reality it should never have been expected of her, so to make her take the rap for that is a shitty thing to do. OP sounds like she is just going to end up putting up with this out of fear of causing upset due to the awkward position he has put her in, which is sad really.

And I can't see how you don't understand, despite me saying at every opportunity (before discussing it with you) that it's not acceptable.

Again, But in reality if she doesn't want to look after them, she needs to be responsible for that decision and not lie to the kids in fear of looking like the bad guy or an awkward position,own her choice, it is a valid one.
(she has actually said herself looking after them wasn't the problem him not consulting her was)

The kids should not be unable to come to the house because the OP doesn't want to look after them if the father has made alternative arrangements and them still come, if he's taking them to work, make him take them.