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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU here?

160 replies

Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:17

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

OP posts:
Amanda87 · 03/02/2021 09:56

I would've said no and F((( that!
Absolutely not your job to be the babysitter.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 03/02/2021 16:50

Did this all get sorted op?

Witchymclovely · 03/02/2021 19:46

Op you have no choice now I don’t think but to go through with it but my god if my H did that to me, well he wouldn’t, that’s really taking the piss. You. You could be at home painting your nails all day and still have the right to say no, she’s not your child. But 3 months!

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 03/02/2021 19:57

I typed a massive reply and it got lost!

The short version is that although he agreed with everything I said, he also did not speak to the ex about her taking any share of her responsibility. Instead he said if it was a problem for me to have the DSCs on her days, then he would take them to work with him (which is what he also said he'd do if I hypothetically wasn't there to bail him out).

Obviously that would make me look mean and unreasonable. The kids would question why it was happening and it would be shit for them.

So the arrangement is staying as it is.

I suppose this sort of thing happens all the time the other way round, with exDH's ditching on their childcare responsibilities when it suits them. But somehow I think in those situations it is also always the woman who ends up sorting it out Hmm

Anyway, there we are.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 03/02/2021 19:57

The ex hasn’t done anything wrong. She knows that her children’s father is able to provide a home for his children and she’s expecting him to care for them in the usual way she does all the time for just three months.

She has every right to expect her co parent to be available for full time care occasionally over the years they are growing up. It’s not like she’s going on holiday, she would probably rather have local work but has no other options. The fact that your DH absolves himself of the responsibility and puts it on you is his wrong doing, not hers. You shouldn’t be twisting this to get your DH pissed of with her just because she expects him to parent her own children when it’s the only way she can earn a living.

Cakelaur · 03/02/2021 20:03

Yeah I'd be seriously annoyed about this. I get it all the time. Both DH and his ex used to use me as their taxi driver and babysitter until I refused to have any part in it. If DH wasn't here, his son wasn't allowed to be here. Once they started realising how much they relied on me.... suddenly they all started being a little more considerate.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 03/02/2021 20:06

@NailsNeedDoing have you RTFT? They usually have the kids 50% of the time. 3 months is a very long stay and not an occasional extra night. This is a case of the mum passing off her 50% of care and OPs DH enabling this behaviour. I do hope she pays maintenance to OP DH for the kids in her absence.

Is a DH husband problem fundamentally. Its such a shame that neither parent can fufil their responsibilities to their children and it passes to the step parent.

Bourbonbiccy · 03/02/2021 20:51

I think, by the sounds of it, even if the mother would have checked first with the father, he would have said yes anyway as he was very happy to have the kids at his home 100%.

He should have really checked that it was ok with his partner, but I'm assuming he just thought, as they are part of family and the Op gets on with them at home 50% of the time, of course they can stay.

Least he agreed with what you said.
Have you said you would not want it to happen again ?

Bourbonbiccy · 03/02/2021 20:55

Also if he's happy to take them to work, that's his choice to agree and take them with him.
I can't really see why that would bother you ?
If they are your decisions, the kids have to understand they are your choices and if they deem them mean, I suppose you have to deal with that.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 03/02/2021 21:08

But Bourbounbiccy, I don't see why my relationship with the DSCs has to be affected because of DH and his ex's actions.

If they had to go to work with him, knowing I was staying at home with my DCs, they'd be confused and upset I think.

Yes it would inconvenience DH and make him think twice, but at what cost?

This is what annoys me the most - being emotionally blackmailed and painted into a corner where, if I try to draw any boundaries, it ends up looking like I'm trying to swerve the DSCs. When really I just want both parents to take their equal share of the responsibility of parenting their children.

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 03/02/2021 21:26

Well no really, your relationship would be affected because of your own choice in this case.

You make the decision that you don't want to look after them, which is an absolutely fine choice, but then you need to take responsibility for that choice.

If your DH can comfortably have his children at work and reap the benefits of having them at home every night for a few months, surely that's his choice, especially if your only objection is the childcare aspect.

Sally872 · 03/02/2021 21:33

You seem like a lovely step mum not wanting to upset step children in order to make dh take responsibility I agree this is the right choice.

If possible take some time for yourself on dhs days off leaving all children with dh. Although during lockdown with not much to do that may be difficult anyway.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 03/02/2021 21:36

Well the third option that doesn't mean my choice results in the SDCs having a shit time at DH's work, or means I feel resentful that I'm being taken advantage of, is that he suggests she sorts the childcare for her days. But he won't do that, so we are where we are.

If we were just talking about a couple of weeks I think it would be fine for her to ask him to cover. But we're talking months here - it's a massive ask. I just feel there should have been more discussion and consideration of everyone who is impacted.

It's been helpful to get everyone's perspectives.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 03/02/2021 21:36

@Yesididmeantobesorude

But Bourbounbiccy, I don't see why my relationship with the DSCs has to be affected because of DH and his ex's actions.

If they had to go to work with him, knowing I was staying at home with my DCs, they'd be confused and upset I think.

Yes it would inconvenience DH and make him think twice, but at what cost?

This is what annoys me the most - being emotionally blackmailed and painted into a corner where, if I try to draw any boundaries, it ends up looking like I'm trying to swerve the DSCs. When really I just want both parents to take their equal share of the responsibility of parenting their children.

The issue here is not your DSC

The issue is that your DH doesn't give a shot what you think.

His ex pitched you having the DSC and he just accepted it without thinking of you.
It didn't occur to him to actually speak to you about you looking after his children.

And when you raised his entitled attitude with him he agreed, said he'd speak to his ex then didn't

He's either incredibly weak/cowardly/conflict averse, to the point where he lies to your face about discussing with his ex how they're taking advantage of you, or doesn't give a shit about what you think or feel

Neither are good.

Veterinari · 03/02/2021 21:39

@Bourbonbiccy
If your DH can comfortably have his children at work and reap the benefits of having them at home every night for a few months, surely that's his choice, especially if your only objection is the childcare aspect.

Op has repeatedly said that the childcare aspect is not the object.

Her objection is the automatic assumption that she's the default childcare provider and that neither of the children's parents actually respect or think enough of her to bother to discuss her looking after their children. She's just expected to step up.

It's incredibly disrespectful

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 03/02/2021 21:40

Sorry, my last response was to Bourbonbiccy.

Thanks Sally. Looks like I just have to suck it up. I still reserve the right to feel annoyed though!

If I'd been able to take that fab job last year, the outcome to this would have been completely different. The ex might not even have been able to accept this job in the first place because there's no way that DH would have taken the DSCs to work for three months.

It is what it is.

OP posts:
Hillary111 · 03/02/2021 21:40

Call his bluff OP!

Santaiscovidfree · 03/02/2021 21:40

I hope you intend to send her an invoice for childcare..
And dh can tell her he needs maintenance-oh forgot he is too spineless.. .

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 03/02/2021 21:41

Missed a few x-posts.

Yes, you have the measure of it I think.

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 03/02/2021 21:47

@Veterinari yes and I did say it was wrong of the Father not to consult her in this instance. He was wrong for that.?

Bourbonbiccy · 03/02/2021 21:50

I think it would be fine for her to ask him to cover
But he thinks a few months is fine

I just feel there should have been more discussion and consideration of everyone who is impacted.

I completely agreed with that.

Have you now told him that you will not want the kids staying without consulting you first .?

2020iscancelled · 03/02/2021 22:23

Your DH has acted appallingly here.

The assumption that you are fine to pick up childcare for two additional children for several months without EVEN ASKING.

Omg I’d have had his life.

Unfortunately as you’ve pretty much realised, you’re backed into a corner and the best thing for the kids is for you on this occasion is to do the childcare. Sending them to work will as you say confuse and upset them.

But I would be making it really clear that the time he is not at work, HE is the childcare and you will be taking that time off from parenting his kids. I’m not saying you won’t do the basics and necessary stuff but I would be ensuring he picked up the hands on role on evenings and weekends - or whenever he doesn’t work.

This would massively affect how I felt about my partner is he did this to me. It is utterly disgusting that he didn’t even have a conversation with you before agreeing. I’d also be making it clear that he is to never offer your parenting services again without discussing.

I’m so fuming on your behalf.

Tiredoftattler · 04/02/2021 02:04

OP, I do not think that there is any such thing as a fair share of responsibility when it comes to children. Each parent is 100 % responsible for their children. There is no such thing as mom's time or dad's time. Those are artificial constructs created and imposed by courts when parents are unable to resolve issues related to their children without court intervention.

Mom' s and dad's cannot be sitters for their own children. With reasonable people , when mom is unavailable dad has to become available. When dad is unavailable, mom has to become available. These are not favors or accommodations. These roles and obligations are essentially parts of the responsibility that come with parenting.

The mother should never assume that the OP has any obligation to care for the mom's children. It should go without say that both the mom or the dad has a 100% obligation to step up and step in when there is an issue requiring care if their chi.

The OP's husband may have communication issues with his wife but that is a relationship issue and not a parenting issue. The mother is conveying the children to the care of their father , that is exactly where they should be when circumstances make it necessary for them not to be with mom.

OP, may be annoyed with her husband for his failure to inform her Inn a timely manner about his obligation to step up as a parent in this particular situation. When would the OP think that her husband is doing a favor for her when he takes care of the children that they share? Is her assuming her responsibility when he takes charge of the children that they share?

tigger001 · 04/02/2021 06:26

I have to agree with the PP, he is the childrens father and has 100% responsibility to them.

Im not sure i would be that annoyed, i would be happy my DH was getting to spend more time with his kids and glad i married (and had kids with) someone who jumped at the chance to spend more time with his children.
I could see how he got carried away in the moment and just said yes.

Should he have asked, yes, would i get all annoyed about it, no.

timeisnotaline · 04/02/2021 06:49

I think I would expect my dh to take one to two weeks of leave over the 3 months to focus on childcare. Also, he could definitely take them to work a few times, sell it as a treat. I remember going into work with my dad when I was about 6 and it was so exciting!
You could look for a course if there was anything related to finding work in your field and he take his leave then? And I’d expect some nice gesture from him as an apology!
I hope this shutdown period is over soon and you can find a job you like that also gets you released from being the childcare on demand.