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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU here?

160 replies

Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:17

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 25/01/2021 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 21:19

“Can you help me with lunch”
“Can you help me with shoe laces”
“Can we play a game”
Yes yes yes. Of course.
“Can you rearrange your whole weekend at the last minute so that mum can pick up some extra shifts while dads already working because it’s not his weekend?”
Not of course. At all. Probably. Might have to shuffle some stuff around. But I do I insist on being asked, not dictated to.
You will never convince me that becoming a member of staff for everyone else’s convenience is how to be a family or a good example to the kids. Least of all a 9 year old girl.
Sorry.

sassbott · 25/01/2021 21:24

@MotherExtraordinaire your posts are indeed extraordinary. I can’t quite fathom how you’ve taken one posters commentary and responded with comments such as ‘business arrangement’ and ‘exist under one roof’ and (quite insultingly) not a family. Extra ordinary indeed you are.

Ickle37 · 25/01/2021 21:25

This doesn't mean to be in anyway unkind, but i think should it be a given that Mum has constant care of children because of a divorce? Why should she not lean on her ex partner/ father or her children? She needs to make some money, father needs to have kids. I think the question here really is if you guys are willing for him to take " leave/holiday" to care for them... Or you have to do it.

I have a step daughter, and this type of stuff is worked into how we live. Its an added cost- we married men with kids etc

Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 21:27

So does that mean that if sc has a need and come stonyou, you direct to the "parent"?
Just occurred to me - what does “parent” mean? DH is the parent, it’s not some rumour that’s being put about. I am not her parent. She didn’t come out of me, I don’t particularly have any say in how she’s brought up or responsibility for her schooling, medical care, financial provision for her. DH does. He’s her parent. Not “parent” Hmm

MeridianB · 25/01/2021 21:30

@Ickle37 no one is questioning that the mother should coparent with her ex and that he should be flexible in how he supports his children.

It’s one or both parents assuming someone else will provide free childcare for three months that’s the issue here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 22:02

Has she said she’ll be paying maintenance while she’s away?

LouJ85 · 25/01/2021 22:03

So for you, step parenting is a favour?

What else would you call looking after someone else's kids? If I look after my niece or nephew for my sister, I'm doing her a favour, because whilst they are family, they are not my children.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/01/2021 22:10

@AnneLovesGilbert

Have you asked him why he’d rather upset/piss off his wife than his ex?

He’s treating you like this because you let him. And you let him because you’re far too worried about what people think. Isn’t it worth looking like a bitch once so he stops treating you like his staff?

Given their ages you have many years of this sort of crap ahead of you. You can decide whether you want to continue to be the one who rolls over and does what she’s told because her opinion doesn’t count, or you can put your foot down, demand to be treated like an equal in decision making and someone who has a say in her own life.

Absolutely this, all the way.
Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 22:15

@LouJ85
The deleted posts explain at its only step parents who should allow themselves to be taken advantage of in this way. It’s a different dynamic apparently rather than just “my child/ not my child”.

LouJ85 · 25/01/2021 22:31

[quote Youseethethingis]@LouJ85
The deleted posts explain at its only step parents who should allow themselves to be taken advantage of in this way. It’s a different dynamic apparently rather than just “my child/ not my child”.[/quote]

Different how?! It's still a child who is family but not your own child, much like a niece or nephew. My sister wouldn't assume I was available to look after my nephew without prior discussion and the courtesy of asking. Equally I wouldn't assume she would look after my DD without asking first. Nor would I assume my DP was able to look after her without asking him first... etc. Is this not just common courtesy when a child is not yours? 🤷‍♀️

Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 22:35

You’d think so wouldn’t you? 🤷‍♀️

Sisterlove · 26/01/2021 00:58

From his perspective it wouldn't have been an issue because it means 100% SDC and in his eyes that's a win, so I doubt he would have pushed back much. It's only once I pointed out the wider impact and the cheekiness of her making a unilateral decision like that and assuming everyone will bend to her schedule, that he could start to see what a massive liberty it is.
To be fair, he also assumed you would bend.

What he should have done when she said it is, "I need to discuss it with YesIdid, as my work schedule means I can't look after them every day"

His ex assumed and he assumed, but it's good that he's taken on board what you said.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 01:07

It’s the usual pick and choose one-way-only bullshit - funnily enough the “they’re your faaaamily” brigade don't seem to push for step parents to have rights alongside the responsibilities they want to foist upon us.

MirrorMirrors · 26/01/2021 07:32

Whilst I agree it shouldn't all be down to mum and she should be able to rely on her ex to help with childcare, I don't agree that that means you can just take a job like this without even discussing it.

My Dad was the RP, my mum didn't see me all that often, never paid CMS etc... He did pretty much everything (not suggesting OPs DH does this btw), would it have been fair for my mum to take more responsibility if my Dad wanted to do something like this? Yes. Would he have just done it and then told her what was happening though? No. Because that would be irresponsible.

And it's certainly not OPs problem. If the DH wanted to accept, he should have discussed it with the only person in his house that it would actually have an impact on. Especially in the current climate when I imagine it involves things like homeschooling. That is not a small ask of someone.

It's about respect. I don't mind helping my husband but I am a human being who also lives in this home. I deserve the same respect as anyone else i.e. being asked and my feelings being taken into consideration. I am not a member of staff to be directed to do X and Y or bashed over the head with 'dont you see them as family' if I even have the semblance of my own individual thought on a subject. Step parents are not just around for the convenience of Mum, Dad and the kids, I wish some people would stop acting as though they are, it's really bizarre and telling actually that so many would admit to thinking so little of another human being. Especially women.

Bollss · 26/01/2021 09:58

I 100% agree that mum shouldnt have to "do it all" but then, have a 50/50 set up, dont just up and leave for three months before youve even checked if the other parent is available! They should have a regular schedule, and if she cant stick that she either needs to ask the other parent if they can do more time x month and she will do more time y month, or she needs to find alternative childcare. It is hugely selfish to make arrangements like these and consider nobody but yourself. She hasnt considered the children here.

If this was a dad, saying he couldnt do his EOW for 3 months because he was working, there would be some very angry posters. Because its not okay!

SpongebobNoPants · 26/01/2021 13:13

Your DH and his ex have completely taken the piss here.
Ex should not have accepted a job offer which means she’s incapable of parenting her child the agreed 50% of the time.
DH should not have assumed you would become the default childcare for 3 months because both he and his ex have put their careers first.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/01/2021 13:16

Any update op? Has dh spoken to exw and come up with a new plan?

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 14:03

If this was a dad, saying he couldnt do his EOW for 3 months because he was working, there would be some very angry posters. Because its not okay!

Completely agree. Funny how it becomes acceptable when it's mum doing it ...

Magda72 · 26/01/2021 15:26

I'm completely gobsmacked that ANY parent, be they the rp or the nrp, would accept a job which necessitated a change in childcare without first discussing it with the other parent & other members of that household!

SanFranBear · 26/01/2021 17:25

I suspect what has happened is

Why not actually ask how this came about.. everyone on here is demonising the ex-wife who, for all anyone knows, spoke to OPs DH at length about this opportunity, double checked it was ok, asked if OP would be ok? Maybe not but there seems to be an immediate assumption that she is taking the piss when OP herself says that as far as DH cares, it means 100% of his DC so he's all in..

Mind you, I suppose that doesnt really change anything but I think it's the DH who should be bearing a lot of the responsibility for this wholly unreasonable situation.

Bollss · 26/01/2021 18:00

@SanFranBear

I suspect what has happened is

Why not actually ask how this came about.. everyone on here is demonising the ex-wife who, for all anyone knows, spoke to OPs DH at length about this opportunity, double checked it was ok, asked if OP would be ok? Maybe not but there seems to be an immediate assumption that she is taking the piss when OP herself says that as far as DH cares, it means 100% of his DC so he's all in..

Mind you, I suppose that doesnt really change anything but I think it's the DH who should be bearing a lot of the responsibility for this wholly unreasonable situation.

U assumed because op says that ex wife told dh she'd accepted a contract. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me.
Bollss · 26/01/2021 18:01

I assumed!

SanFranBear · 26/01/2021 22:28

You're quite right, Trust... by the time j got to the end of the thread, I'd forgotten that.

OP, hope you can work this through with your DH and despite my previous post defending the ex, I honestly think YANBU..

combatbarbie · 26/01/2021 22:47

As you've changed the DSC ages, are they of primary/young secondary.... Apart from the fact it's bloody cheeky to just expect you to step up, my concern is if they are young I gather it's on you to do the home schooling? Dependant on their school programme and their characters this could turn stressful quite quickly.

My 8yr old has to be checked on constantly that she's completed ALL the work she's meant to have done after/during live lessons and the independent tasks.

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