AIBU here?

[Yesididmeantobesorude]

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

@Hagotcha80

* Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart... *

The op and her dh don’t live apart

We are saying that in an intact family, nobody would ever take a job that would take them away from home for 3 months without speaking to their partner about it first. The partner would need to agree to take full responsibility for the kids for that time, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

Here, the mum has unilaterally taken the decision to dump the kids on their other parent with no prior consultation at all.

@Bourbonbiccy

* Hagotcha80 Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart...

The op and her dh don’t live apart

No, but the mother and father do...

But the "common courtesy" was broken between the 2 living together not those living apart ?

The mother of the children asked the father and he accepted. It was the father that seemed to lack the common decency to discuss it with his wife, he lives with.

She didn't ask him, she told him that she'd already accepted a job and that he'd be having the kids for 3 months.

No common courtesy between exes there, and no common courtesy towards OP from her own husband.

I suspect what has happened is that the ex sorted out her job contract without even talking to DH first and then just told him what was happening. From his perspective it wouldn't have been an issue because it means 100% SDC and in his eyes that's a win, so I doubt he would have pushed back much.

OP "suspected" thats what happened and "doubts" the husband would have have pushed back much, so it doesn't really seem she knows how it went on. And she says the husband was happy with the outcome.??

No common courtesy between exes there, and no common courtesy towards OP from her own husband

No one has disputed that?

@Bourbonbiccy

No common courtesy between exes there, and no common courtesy towards OP from her own husband

No one has disputed that?

Sorry I meant no one has disputed there was no common decency between those living together. Not between the exes.

@Bibidy

But you’re point about common courtesy flying out the window when live apart doesn’t fully stack.

Surely your point is.... why do some people not exercise common courtesy. Full stop!

Living arrangements irrelevant.

Plus... it’s not that the DH and ex are simply “living apart”. I do not regard myself as “living apart” from my ex husband. It is a severed marriage. Very different from simply “living apart”

@PricklyPawPear

She told her ex that she'd accepted a job that means he'll now need to have the DC for 3 months. She didn't ask.

My response was to people who seem to think that is perfectly acceptable just because he is their parent and so is responsible 100% of the time anyway and should be whenever their mum isn't available.

I think that's wrong. And would be wrong whether or not the parents were separated. I wouldn't do that and I live with my child's other parent and I'd be fucked off if my DH just turned around and said 'by the way I'm off for 3 months now, c ya' with no discussion. Regardless of the fact he is equally their parent, it's rude and not okay to ask and check first.

It is obviously also rude and not okay for the DH not to check with his wife after he was told by his ex that this is what was happening.

Absolutely, I’d expect my husband to consult me - let alone my ex.

OP you sound like a really lovely step mum and those kids are lucky to have you.

This seems like its done and dusted now bit hopefully next time your DH will consult with you first.

After reading much of this thread, I am surprised at how many women marry men with children and think that because the dad has court ordered custody that makes him a part time dad who should only be responsible on his court ordered days. These same women think that the children that they have with this man are his full time responsibility.

The truth is that the dad has the absolute same obligation to his children from the prior marriage/relationship that he has to the child
that he fathered with the OP.

He is not accommodating the OP when he cares and provides a home for that child , nor is he doing a favor for his ex when he assumes care and provides shelter for his other children. Granted, the ex should have discussed her job situation with him as soon as she became aware of the need for a change

Tbh, if my spouse were providing a life style that a.allowed me to be a sham , I would probably have felt that assisting him with the care of his children for a few months was a way to say how much I appreciated the fact that I was able to live comfortably while not being a financially contributing adult.

I have never been comfortable accepting more than I was willing to give or allowing anyone to do more for me than I was willing to do for them. I suppose a lot depends upon one's concept of reciprocity.

@Tiredoftattler your post feels so one sided. Why does the Mum not have full responsibility 100% of the time also? It appears she has put herself first from OP posts with no thought of the impact on the SC.

3 months is not a small amount of time, particularly at the moment with home schooling. It also makes it much harder if OP herself is looking for work.

Why does it frequently seem to be demanded that the step parent jumps in to fill the places of the actual parents, be it emotionally, financially or physically on one thread/post on here, but then the next be told they are not allowed an opinion, unwelcoming etc. Its a lose lose situation for them.

I think it puts a slightly different slant on it when you can’t work because you don’t have the childcare options, yet you are the childcare option for someone else, who is then enabled to work. And I guess it stings a bit more when that someone else is the ex wife?

[quote Hagotcha80]@Bibidy

But you’re point about common courtesy flying out the window when live apart doesn’t fully stack.

Surely your point is.... why do some people not exercise common courtesy. Full stop!

Living arrangements irrelevant.

Plus... it’s not that the DH and ex are simply “living apart”. I do not regard myself as “living apart” from my ex husband. It is a severed marriage. Very different from simply “living apart”[/quote]
Well yeah, definitely why do some people not exercise common courtesy is one of the points.

But my reason for mentioning living apart (and I appreciate it's a totally ended marriage - I don't class my DP as just living apart from his ex either) is that a lot of people are supporting what the ex has done here and saying the dad has a responsibility to look after his kids etc. As if she has done nothing wrong by unilaterally taking a job which leaves full care of her children entirely to their other parent.

My point was just that if someone posted that their husband/wife had come home and told them that they'd taken another job and would be moving away for 3 months, leaving the poster with total care of their children with no consultation there would be zero support for that.

So I know some people can just be just as thoughtless to their actual partner, but I just very much doubt that anybody would be behind them in the way they are in situations where it's separated parents.

Not really sure why you are martyring yourself out because of how you may look to others.

Let him take them to work- you are going to be no more respected by taking on that responsibility but it will give him second thought before he makes these decisions unilaterally. Just say it casual rather than making it sound like the kids are going to war. ‘Oh great so you are taking them to work that will be fun won’t it kids’.

Even if he breaks after one week and says it is too much he will at least have an understanding of what he was expecting of you.

Seriously what award will you win by putting yourself last except maybe bitterness?

I realise this may sound harsh but I am sick of seeing these types of posts of men putting women in these situations and backing them into corners by implying you don’t care for his kids. And let’s be honest it is your partner. It’s not his kids or his ex wife it’s him that’s disrespecting you.

Tbh, if my spouse were providing a life style that a.allowed me to be a sham , I would probably have felt that assisting him with the care of his children for a few months was a way to say how much I appreciated the fact that I was able to live comfortably while not being a financially contributing adult.

But OP isn't working due to covid and because they have no childcare options available to them? She's not a cosy SAHM, being provided for by her husband because that's what she wants.

And tbh, even if I was a stay at home mum I still wouldn't expect to be forced into looking after my stepchildren every day for 3 months while their mum is away and their dad works. And yes, dad has said he can take them to work with him but realistically OP is right - they will wonder why and unless their dad's work is something super fun, which I doubt, then they won't want to go. It's not a sustainable solution. 4 kids is a lot for someone to have to look after every day for 3 months, particularly when they're not at school.

After reading much of this thread, I am surprised at how many women marry men with children and think that because the dad has court ordered custody that makes him a part time dad who should only be responsible on his court ordered days. These same women think that the children that they have with this man are his full time responsibility
Oh comes off it, you know as well as I do how often a variation of “he’s responsible for sorting childcare/clothes/everything on his days so let him get on with it, you aren’t here to make his life easier anymore, you’ve split up” is posted on these boards.
The truth is that when parents split and a child’s life is split, there is such a thing as mums time/dads time. That’s just how it is. Mum can’t decide that Dad is never to allow the kids chocolate on his time, Dad can’t decide that he doesn’t like how the kids are given too much screen tine at mums and on and on it goes. It’s simply not their business or responsibility to sort out what happens when the other parent is looking after the kids.
A “together family” is different because presumably they are one household, the parents and kids are all there full time and they have one single family life in which the adults are supposed to work together for the good of the family unit.
There is nothing surprising or new about any of this.

The truth is that the dad has the absolute same obligation to his children from the prior marriage/relationship that he has to the child
that he fathered with the OP.

He is not accommodating the OP when he cares and provides a home for that child , nor is he doing a favor for his ex when he assumes care and provides shelter for his other children

I have to agree with this.

Except HE is not assuming care! The op is!
Would he expect his ex to mind his & op's dc of op took a job & fecked off?
No!
Furthermore - op had to turn down a good job as SHE had no one to mind their dc.
Jesus - the double standards on here are unreal!

@Magda72 it’s a joke isn’t it 😂😂😂

@Hagotcha80

* Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart... *

The op and her dh don’t live apart

Yes I'm aware of that.

I was responding to the poster who said "I completely disagree with the posters saying Dad should always be expected to have them 100% of the time without the need to be consulted just because the other parent is unavailable.

In others words, if I was off somewhere for 3 months, the fact that I no longer live with my DD's father doesn't mean I'd just go "he can have her, I'm not even going to ask him". I'd still ask him and display some common courtesy. That's what I meant

*She didn't ask him, she told him that she'd already accepted a job and that he'd be having the kids for 3 months.

No common courtesy between exes there, and no common courtesy towards OP from her own husband.*

Yes. This is what I meant.

*We are saying that in an intact family, nobody would ever take a job that would take them away from home for 3 months without speaking to their partner about it first. The partner would need to agree to take full responsibility for the kids for that time, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

Here, the mum has unilaterally taken the decision to dump the kids on their other parent with no prior consultation at all.*

Yes. This.

The mother of the children asked the father and he accepted. It was the father that seemed to lack the common decency to discuss it with his wife, he lives with.

No. The OP says: Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer.

I think the key word here is "told". No asking. No common courtesy.

Tbh, if my spouse were providing a life style that a.allowed me to be a sham , I would probably have felt that assisting him with the care of his children for a few months was a way to say how much I appreciated the fact that I was able to live comfortably while not being a financially contributing adult.

Erm no, the internalized misogyny is strong with this one 🤨

He's not doing her a favour any more than she is doing him a favour by assuming full time childcare of their joint child so that he doesn't have to, while they have no other option. Some job he'd do providing for both of his kids if she wasn't there to take that job on. But perhaps she should make sure his dinner is always on the table and she's slapped on a bit of make up and got her hair fixed, to show him just how grateful she is for allowing her to languish in luxury. Jesus wept.

I do hope you say this to all the women entitled to spousal maintenance because they put their careers on hold to raise the children while their husband did not!

@LouJ85

The mother of the children asked the father and he accepted. It was the father that seemed to lack the common decency to discuss it with his wife, he lives with.

No. The OP says: Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer.

I think the key word here is "told". No asking. No common courtesy.

** The op also said

I suspect what has happened is that the ex sorted out her job contract without even talking to DH first and then just told him what was happening. From his perspective it wouldn't have been an issue because it means 100% SDC and in his eyes that's a win, so I doubt he would have pushed back much

So she has "suspected" that was the case, she doesn't really know.
But she also clearly says the father, her husband, wouldn't push back at all and he was so happy that he had his kids 100% of the time.

So the ex, may have known he would jump at the chance, and low and behold she would have been right, he did, he was happy to just say yes and take full responsibility for his children as he should were possible. His kids from his first marriage are just as important and deserve the same time with him as his ones from his second relationship.

He was wrong to not discuss it with his new wife, but the ex really isn't at fruit here, it's the OPs partner and the communication in their relationship.

the mum has unilaterally taken the decision to dump the kids

Hardly "dumping" they are staying with their father.