Page 5 | AIBU here?

SandyY2K · 04/02/2021 08:17

Over the 3 months you should have a few days where you say you can't have the SCs. Only when it impacts on him will he think twice about discussing a future request with you.

Right now, you looking after them doesn't impact him one little bit.

Youseethethingis · 04/02/2021 08:25

He’d better be treating you like a queen to make this up to you. I’m talking cups of tea, fresh flowers every week, running bubble baths, doing extra housework when he’s home so you can hide with a book... whatever it takes for you to feel valued and not just the useful domestic who can be manipulated as suits.
Still angry on your behalf OP. The way he’s gone about this is awful.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 04/02/2021 08:51

As weekdays are being made your problem. Your 100% within your rights to make weekends his problem for ALL the children. Lie ins, no cooking, he takes them out for walks to park while you relax.
He needs to take leave to cover some of the time too. I'd be livid if dp pulled a stunt like this.
It needs to inconvenience him so he learns his lesson

tigger001 · 04/02/2021 09:08

Over the 3 months you should have a few days where you say you can't have the SCs. Only when it impacts on him will he think twice about discussing a future request with you

I think he has said hes happy to take them to work with him,and we cant really go anywhere else. Im not sure if OP will get the situation for that to arise.

PricklyPawPear · 04/02/2021 09:33

I completely disagree with the posters saying Dad should always be expected to have them 100% of the time without the need to be consulted just because the other parent is unavailable.

Obviously emergency aside, I am married and so live with my DCs other parent, it still wouldn't be acceptable for me to just decide to take a job which meant DH was solely responsible for the DC for 3 months without talking to him about it first

And if it didn't work for him in terms of his own job, we'd have to come up with a plan together. I couldn't just go 'well I'm going, they are your kids to look after whenever I'm not available so bye'.

Id take him up on the offer, at least some of the time OP. Let him take them to work sometimes. I went to work with my parents sometimes in the holidays and stuff. Was fine. I remember some of the times quite fondly actually, helping my mum with stuff around the office and things.

Dollyparton3 · 04/02/2021 09:42

"But I would be making it really clear that the time he is not at work, HE is the childcare and you will be taking that time off from parenting his kids. I’m not saying you won’t do the basics and necessary stuff but I would be ensuring he picked up the hands on role on evenings and weekends - or whenever he doesn’t work."

All of this. I totally lost it this week when SS landed for a week. He's 17 so it doesn't sound like that much effort but when he wakes me up at 2 am because he's still up gaming, gets out of bed at 2pm, makes breakfast, leaves all the washing up on the side because he doesn't want to empty the dishwasher "I've already done it once this week" and then DH sits on the sofa with him whilst I cook dinner having worked a 12 hour day, I get a bit pissed off at being treated like the hired help.

I wouldn't mind if DH got why I'm pissed off but I genuinely don't think he did!! I've now said SS isn't to come here and loaf until he can go to bed at a sensible time and be respectful of everyone having to chip in around the house

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 10:23

So is their mum saying she's just not going to see her kids for 3 whole months?! I am stunned that she would take a contract that would mean that was the case.

I feel for you OP, I'd be fuming in this situation. I'd be annoyed enough if the kids were at school, let alone if I was expected to be at home with all of the kids all of the time. Very thoughtless of your DH not to speak to you before agreeing anything.

I hope their mum is going to at least contribute financially while you have them.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 10:29

I completely disagree with the posters saying Dad should always be expected to have them 100% of the time without the need to be consulted just because the other parent is unavailable.

Obviously emergency aside, I am married and so live with my DCs other parent, it still wouldn't be acceptable for me to just decide to take a job which meant DH was solely responsible for the DC for 3 months without talking to him about it first confused

Totally agree with this.

What has happened here wouldn't be acceptable in an intact family without prior agreement from both parents. It's even less acceptable that a) the mother has made these plans for herself without consultation and then just announced it to the dad without any knowledge of his household's circumstances or arrangements OR agreement, and b) that the dad has agreed without consultation with his wife.

Hagotcha80 · 04/02/2021 10:37

* Her objection is the automatic assumption that she's the default childcare provider and that neither of the children's parents actually respect or think enough of her to bother to discuss her looking after their children. She's just expected to step up. *

Op if they had consulted you, would you have agreed fully?

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 10:48

@Bibidy

I completely disagree with the posters saying Dad should always be expected to have them 100% of the time without the need to be consulted just because the other parent is unavailable.

Obviously emergency aside, I am married and so live with my DCs other parent, it still wouldn't be acceptable for me to just decide to take a job which meant DH was solely responsible for the DC for 3 months without talking to him about it first confused

Totally agree with this.

What has happened here wouldn't be acceptable in an intact family without prior agreement from both parents. It's even less acceptable that a) the mother has made these plans for herself without consultation and then just announced it to the dad without any knowledge of his household's circumstances or arrangements OR agreement, and b) that the dad has agreed without consultation with his wife.

Yes. Also entirely agree with this. Common courtesy to ask and discuss arrangements like adults. Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart... 🤔

Hagotcha80 · 04/02/2021 10:56

* Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart... *

The op and her dh don’t live apart

LatentPhase · 04/02/2021 11:04

@Dollyparton3 yay, go you! How did that go down?

Back on topic, I agree that the OP’s DH needs to pick up the slack evenings/weekends/take some AL. That’s the only way he could reasonably redeem himself here.

Dollyparton3 · 04/02/2021 11:14

@LatentPhase I think they're still processing it . It's a really interesting dynamic. DH is still out to work every day, home has been my office since March last year and it's been long hours and very stressful. So I don't expect to have more work when SS comes over especially considering that DH is very much an 8 hour day man.

To have to haggle with a 17 year old over whether it's unfair or not for him to empty the dishwasher more than once in a week when he doesn't work, gets an allowance from us with no official chore list (because how can you when you bounce to dads EOW) and he's disrupting my day at 2pm asking me "what can I eat" really sets me off.

I'm tired of asking DH to work on the kids entitled attitude so now I've just said when he's here to clean up after them they're welcome: when he's not here, they can stay at their mums and keep her awake at 2am. After all it's her who's the major influence.

PricklyPawPear · 04/02/2021 11:16

@Hagotcha80

* Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart... *

The op and her dh don’t live apart

No, but the mother and father do...

mootymoo · 04/02/2021 11:20

I get it completely, it's the assumption, not asking! I came to blows with my now exh a lot when we were married on this theme, assumption that I would be able to step up when he took work trips etc. Was tricky to manage my job when I had to drop everything all the time. (Got the last laugh when I got awarded spousal maintenance)

LetMeOut2021 · 04/02/2021 11:23

I would not have that, in what other circumstance would anyone just expect someone else to look after their children without consultation.

I’d say no.

forrestgreen · 04/02/2021 11:24

In this situation I think it's fair to say that you'll have four kids for 8hrs a day. So that when dh comes in he can sort the children. Work out a rota for cooking and cleaning etc. You are stepping up, he needs to too

LatentPhase · 04/02/2021 11:27

[quote Dollyparton3]@LatentPhase I think they're still processing it . It's a really interesting dynamic. DH is still out to work every day, home has been my office since March last year and it's been long hours and very stressful. So I don't expect to have more work when SS comes over especially considering that DH is very much an 8 hour day man.

To have to haggle with a 17 year old over whether it's unfair or not for him to empty the dishwasher more than once in a week when he doesn't work, gets an allowance from us with no official chore list (because how can you when you bounce to dads EOW) and he's disrupting my day at 2pm asking me "what can I eat" really sets me off.

I'm tired of asking DH to work on the kids entitled attitude so now I've just said when he's here to clean up after them they're welcome: when he's not here, they can stay at their mums and keep her awake at 2am. After all it's her who's the major influence.

[/quote]
Good for you!!! 💪🏻

Lorddenning1 · 04/02/2021 11:28

As you will be having the kids 100% of the time for 3 months, doesn't the mother have to pay for both maintenance!

Tamingofthehamster · 04/02/2021 11:28

Yes you should have been consulted, but I can’t see why you can’t do it. Your dh is working so you don’t have to, you say yourself that the dsc are well behaved. Of course your dh is happy about it as he’ll get to see his kids more.

Magda72 · 04/02/2021 11:38

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
@Tamingofthehamster - op's dh is not working so she doesn't have to. She's not working at the moment for the above reasons outlined in her OP!
Furthermore - just because she's at home at the moment doesn't mean she should take on her sdc. The sdc have TWO parents, one of whom has accepted a job without any consultation & whose career is directly benefitting from the assumption that op will take up the slack. If op's dh was single you can be damn sure that both parents would have had to work this out by THEMSELVES to ensure childcare for THEIR children. They would have to either organise & pay for childcare, refuse the job (the dm) or take a career break (the df).
BOTH parents are taking the absolute piss here.

Hagotcha80 · 04/02/2021 11:40

* Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart*

Has nothing to do with living apart though.
The dh and op don’t live apart and yet no common courtesy there

Bourbonbiccy · 04/02/2021 11:45

Hagotcha80 Why does common courtesy fly out of the window just because you live apart...

The op and her dh don’t live apart

No, but the mother and father do...

But the "common courtesy" was broken between the 2 living together not those living apart ?

The mother of the children asked the father and he accepted. It was the father that seemed to lack the common decency to discuss it with his wife, he lives with.

PricklyPawPear · 04/02/2021 11:53

The mother of the children asked the father and he accepted

No she didn't... Read the OP again.

PricklyPawPear · 04/02/2021 11:56

She told her ex that she'd accepted a job that means he'll now need to have the DC for 3 months. She didn't ask.

My response was to people who seem to think that is perfectly acceptable just because he is their parent and so is responsible 100% of the time anyway and should be whenever their mum isn't available.

I think that's wrong. And would be wrong whether or not the parents were separated. I wouldn't do that and I live with my child's other parent and I'd be fucked off if my DH just turned around and said 'by the way I'm off for 3 months now, c ya' with no discussion. Regardless of the fact he is equally their parent, it's rude and not okay to ask and check first.

It is obviously also rude and not okay for the DH not to check with his wife after he was told by his ex that this is what was happening.