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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU here?

160 replies

Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 16:17

DSC's mum is a freelance contractor. Today she told DH that she's accepted a contract in another city for three months, meaning that DSC will need to live with us until summer. (She is single and the contract would mean her working 12 hour days.)

I am a SAHM so it has just been assumed that I will be the default childcare. DH will continue to WOHM as normal. It's no bother really since DSC are old enough to not need much hands on looking after and they're here 50:50 anyway. But I'm annoyed at the assumption I will just do it.

I don't work right now because of Covid and the fact we have absolutely no childcare. I got offered a fab job last year but it would have meant a long commute and DH and me both being out of the house until after 7pm every day. We just didn't have the childcare options to make it work (local nursery closes at 6pm, 9 month wait for childminders, etc).
It's no one's fault but I just feel a bit taken advantage of and like she's somehow benefitting from my position and DH is letting her?

I feel that we should have been consulted before she just went ahead and said yes to something that will impact us (me) so massively.

But then I don't know if I'm being petty complaining since I'm at home anyway and DSC are easy?

OP posts:
Iyiyi · 25/01/2021 17:23

Using a childminder isn’t “dumping” 🙄

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 17:31

Have you asked him why he’d rather upset/piss off his wife than his ex?

He’s treating you like this because you let him. And you let him because you’re far too worried about what people think. Isn’t it worth looking like a bitch once so he stops treating you like his staff?

Given their ages you have many years of this sort of crap ahead of you. You can decide whether you want to continue to be the one who rolls over and does what she’s told because her opinion doesn’t count, or you can put your foot down, demand to be treated like an equal in decision making and someone who has a say in her own life.

SoupDragon · 25/01/2021 17:35

@Iyiyi

Using a childminder isn’t “dumping” 🙄
Yes it is if they aren't used to it.
SoupDragon · 25/01/2021 17:37

Especially if you look at it thought the eyes of the children.

It's the DH and his XW who are at fault here, not the children.

Imfromhere · 25/01/2021 17:52

No way would I be putting up with that. That's disgusting behaviour from DH and his ex. It is up to them to bring up and look after their own kids. If you are nice and dont mind doing it on his 50/50 time (and I imagine the school holidays etc) then they should at least have the respect to include you in the discussions.

I would seriously be asking him what parental/Annual leave he has book.

funinthesun19 · 25/01/2021 18:12

No you aren’t being petty. You’ve given up your job opportunities and she is benefiting from that. Why should she? Even at 9 and 11 they need someone to look after them, and that will inevitably fall on to you.

Something similar happened with me where I was asked if I could do the school pick ups for my ex’s ex wife on her days when I went to pick my own children up due to her wanting to change her hours at work. That sounds simple enough, but it’s not as black and white as that. So many factors put me off committing to it and I had to say no.
Also, the underlying message that I somehow owed it to her was frustrating. I was a SAHM to my baby at the time too.

Bollss · 25/01/2021 18:18

Yanbu at all. He should have asked you and she shouldn't have assumed. They are not your responsibility.

Sisterlove · 25/01/2021 18:32

So you'll be supervising and supporting their homeschooling then?

You should have been consulted, as it directly impacts you.

Ask him how he would feel if you left him with the responsibility of looking after your kids without asking. It's disrespectful and taking advantage.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 25/01/2021 18:37

It isn't the dsc fault but and this is important, it isn't your fault either! It's their parents.
Just say no I'm sorry that won't work for me. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I'd even message dp and the exw and say so. They are 100% fine to stay as there home but you have plans and it's not convent for childcre purposes. They will need to make arenagments eg school place etc etc or wrap around care
It is exceptionally stressful to homeschool and care for additional school age children even if they are nice.
How old are you children op? I ahve a 2 year old and 3 dsc and the dynamic is stressful just because of the age ranges involved don't like the smae things and I work full time.
If you were being super nice you could offer to do something to help or even better ask them what they intend to pay you to be free childcare... You could use it for the holiday you will need by the end of this nonsense.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 18:54

I had a chat with him while he was driving home and basically said everything that's been said on this thread and he agreed with all of it. I'm so relieved he sees my point of view, I could cry. He's going to speak to her and see what other options there are so that it's fairer.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 25/01/2021 18:59

I’m glad he sees it from your point of view. How do you think his ex will react?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 25/01/2021 19:01

That's really positive. Fingers crossed

MeridianB · 25/01/2021 19:02

Sorry if I’ve missed it but how old are your two?

I agree his attitude about this is really, really poor. Even if they are great at schoolwork you will be a non-stop cafe and laundry service.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 25/01/2021 19:14

@yesididmeantobesorude you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Both your dh should have discussed it with you.

However, based on my own experience is it possible that the ex did discuss with your dh before accepting the job and he just never spoke to you about it? My ex was a bugger for this, agreeing to have the kids extra but not taking time off and just expecting me to do it etc. It is highly unlikely that she would just accept the job assuming it would all be OK. I mean what if you had got a job and couldn't have the kids?

I think you have a dh problem rather than an exw problem

Blendiful · 25/01/2021 19:45

I would be fuming with my DP if he did this. His eldest is the easiest child in the world to look after but he would never just assume I would do it.

He has watched my children whilst I worked as he WFH but I certainly asked him and discussed with him first, in fact he offered because I did have other arrangements in place for them originally.

It’s DH I would be fuming with, he can’t just assume that, they may be easy now but potentially won’t be forever, and if this becomes the norm, I know it’s only 3 months now but whos to say that won’t go in longer or reoccur at a time less easy for you.

You should 100% have been asked and consulted seeing as it is you that will be having them, to not is just plain rude.

Original poster
Yesididmeantobesorude · 25/01/2021 19:51

I've changed the DC's ages slightly, but basically there are six years between the youngest SDC and my eldest.

I suspect what has happened is that the ex sorted out her job contract without even talking to DH first and then just told him what was happening. From his perspective it wouldn't have been an issue because it means 100% SDC and in his eyes that's a win, so I doubt he would have pushed back much. It's only once I pointed out the wider impact and the cheekiness of her making a unilateral decision like that and assuming everyone will bend to her schedule, that he could start to see what a massive liberty it is.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 20:05

Well take a big triple decker YANBU sandwich from me. What a Liberty!
So glad to read you’ve spoken to your DH and he’s actually taking it in - that’s an excellent sign!
I’ve had a few incidents of this nature (if not this scale!) and put my foot down early on. DH has leaned that i do not respond well to being taken for granted, but if I’m part of the conversation and shown some respect for the fact that anything I do for DSD is a favour not an obligation, then i can be Miss Helpful all day long.
Respect respect respect. How many people have said its one of the pillars of a successful marriage? People say it because it’s true.

MotherExtraordinaire · 25/01/2021 20:19

@Yesididmeantobesorude

I've changed the DC's ages slightly, but basically there are six years between the youngest SDC and my eldest.

I suspect what has happened is that the ex sorted out her job contract without even talking to DH first and then just told him what was happening. From his perspective it wouldn't have been an issue because it means 100% SDC and in his eyes that's a win, so I doubt he would have pushed back much. It's only once I pointed out the wider impact and the cheekiness of her making a unilateral decision like that and assuming everyone will bend to her schedule, that he could start to see what a massive liberty it is.

Yanbu. But tbh, this situation happens plenty with dad's and the mother has to put up with it. Ultimately, the children are equally responsible for the the 2 children. I couldn't and would never choose what she has chosen to do. But ultimately, she's a chosen to leave them with their father and that's, per se, not unreasonable. Prior discussions or at least heads up would be preferable, but she is leaving them with their father, not some random off the street. Now the assumption you'll just assume responsibility for the children is unreasonable of your oh.
MotherExtraordinaire · 25/01/2021 20:20

@Youseethethingis

Well take a big triple decker YANBU sandwich from me. What a Liberty! So glad to read you’ve spoken to your DH and he’s actually taking it in - that’s an excellent sign! I’ve had a few incidents of this nature (if not this scale!) and put my foot down early on. DH has leaned that i do not respond well to being taken for granted, but if I’m part of the conversation and shown some respect for the fact that anything I do for DSD is a favour not an obligation, then i can be Miss Helpful all day long. Respect respect respect. How many people have said its one of the pillars of a successful marriage? People say it because it’s true.
So for you, step parenting is a favour? What a delight you are!
Wishitsnows · 25/01/2021 20:22

Sounds like your dh sees you as unpaid childcare and doesn't really respect you.

Sally872 · 25/01/2021 20:26

Sounds like dh wasn't consulted either. But that is between him and ex.

He should have spoken to you about it explaining he doesn't have much choice and asking for your help. Realistically you wouldn't have much choice but it would have been a courtesy.

That said maybe he was just excited to have them, knew you would agree and forgot his manners.

Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 20:39

So for you, step parenting is a favour? What a delight you are!
Yes, anything anyone does for a child who isn’t theirs, unless they are being paid, is a favour?
I’m not here to parent her, her parents parent her. If they need childcare then I am asked and usually oblige, but yes it’s a favour because I have my own life/job/child/stuff to do.
If that earns me your sarcasm well more fool you for being a doormat.

MotherExtraordinaire · 25/01/2021 20:49

This reply has been deleted

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Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 21:02

Oh we are family alright, I’m just not her parent.
My parents looked after my DS as a favour to me last weekend. I asked them weeks in advance if they would, because DH and I were planning to book a restaurant (so long ago it was pre lockdown).
My asking rather than just assuming they had nothing better to do is mark of my repeat for them as people with their own lives, and respect for the fact that they were within their rights to say no for whatever reason because DS isn’t their responsibility. It was a favour to me, their daughter.
You are either suggesting that my parents aren’t really family or that I don’t deserve the same respect from DH and his ex WRT their DD because I’m just a step mother (which DH himself said way at the start he doesn’t even see me a because god knows his DD gets more than enough mothering from her actual mother - there just no room!)
Either way, I don’t think it’s me who has funny ideas about what family is.

Hillary111 · 25/01/2021 21:05

@Youseethethingis

So for you, step parenting is a favour? What a delight you are! Yes, anything anyone does for a child who isn’t theirs, unless they are being paid, is a favour? I’m not here to parent her, her parents parent her. If they need childcare then I am asked and usually oblige, but yes it’s a favour because I have my own life/job/child/stuff to do. If that earns me your sarcasm well more fool you for being a doormat.
100 % this!