Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

intimate and affectionate around a baby is grim
Does everyone have a singular child? what an odd thing to say.
This DSC must be included in everything is ridiculous, even with my own DC I’ve often went on separate trips/holidays with one and not another. Remember DSC have a life with their mum too.

When you and your husband have split up and your child is being left out in favour of his child with his new partner perhaps you’ll understand!

Yes you are being selfish. Ok he shouldn’t have called you evil, but in the heat of an argument when you were probably going on about “my child losing out because his child is in school” I can see where it came from. Your opportunity for “adult only” holidays was BEFORE you had a child. From now on you’re favouring you’re child and expecting him to favour his new child over his existing child - both of which he loves equally.. You married a man with a child.. So did I. My first 12 years of holidays with him revolved around my stepson. That’s the way it goes if you marry a good man who cares about his children. That’s a good thing, surely. And wtf is a baby moon??

@Balabomy but it does work. I have 3 lovely well rounded, polite, intelligent step children who have a great mother even though we do not see eye to eye I can appreciate that she has raise 3 great kids. They have a great father and also are lucky enough to have a step father and a step mum in myself to help along the way. I have never once felt the need to impose and call myself a parent because I'm not one to them, they have to great one already and i personally would expect no less if my own son heaven forbid ended up with a step mum.

Do you have step children?

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Balabomy
Songbird, I m sorry but I don't agree at all. This is fundamental of being involved with a person who has a child. Child comes first, not you. Sorry but this is the truth that step mum here doesn't seem to be able to face

Errr no. Not everyone feels that way, it’s nothing to do with being a stepmum.
I have 2 children from a prior a relationship and they do not always come first or above my partner.
My children’s needs are of paramount importance but not always their wants. A holiday is not a need.
I adore my children but I also love and respect my partner enough to consider his wants and what is needed to make our relationship work.

People with children should not date if they aren’t willing to prioritise their partner also. If they are of the mindset “my kids always come first” then they are selfish to take a partner because from they are promising a relationship but then condemning them to be second place.

In our house all needs are met to the best of my ability, including the emotional needs of my partner and all wants are considered. It’s a balancing act.[/quote]
Pipe down!!!

I'm entitled to give my opinion just as much as you are

Just because the step child might go on holiday with their mother why should it mean they don’t deserve to be included in a family holiday with their dad? It’s not a competition for how many holidays they have. A step child might win on total numbers of days on holiday compared to their step siblings, but not on how many days they spend with their dad..

My partner has two children and i have two.
He has holidayed with me (short break) and with just mine, and with just his. And i have holidayed with just mine. And his have been with just their mum. And mine have been with their Dad. All four together hasnt happened yet as we are slowly blending due to big age difference and covid put paid to a lot of that.

Everyone is getting a holiday, noone is being denied. Everyone is accepted and loved and gets lots of attention. And its very flexible. As an absolutely committed step parent to to my children i have no problem with him doing his own thing sometimes or wanting me to himself now and again.

I think he has massive Dad guilt and is projecting that onto your request.

I think if you are normally a really involved and supportive step parent and if you can afford two breaks it is fine for one of them to be just the three of you.

*Pipe down!!!

I'm entitled to give my opinion just as much as you are*

So first you insist that step parents should not lie to themselves but should lie to their DSC and everyone else that they are their actual children...
Then other people have to “pipe down” but you are “entitled to your opinion”?
Maybe you should reflect on some stuff because your messages are all mixed up.

If you went for a nice 5 or 6 days holiday whilst his dd was with her Mum and at school how on earth can that make you evil. If you refused to have his dd when it was his contact time so you could go on holiday without her I can see he would be upset. DH and I go on a family holiday for a month each year with DC and sometimes parents in law too then DC went to their step grandparents for a week whilst DH and I had a romantic couple break. We did this every year from time my ds was 8 until he got to 16. Now we do same with foster child. He comes on long family holiday with us than stays behind with my 2 adult sons who live at home whilst we go on romantic holiday he goes to a cricket academy every day and ds drops him off with packed lunch and other ds collects him. He loves it when he gets to spend time with his adult brothers as they will all watch a movie together and eat takeaway several nights. Did not go on holiday last year as Covid and not sure about this year but hoping vaccine will.mean we can go. I am do looking forward to a holiday. Tell your DH there will be plenty of bucket and spade holidays ahead but you want your baby moon.

And another post about those darn inconvenient step children. You got together with someone who had a kid but actually dont want to be inconvenienced by said stepchild. If you wouldnt do it with your own child why do you think its ok to do it with your step child?

My ex and new gf went on holiday without our dc and no problems as dc went on holiday with me and their sd. Exh took youngest son and dd on holiday to Turkey when youngest dc was 14. Middle son did not want to go. Again no problems. Could your DH give his ex wife money to take his dd on holiday if she has never had one. I would think that is unusual at 5 years old not to ever have been on holiday.

Yep ladies... you’re evil unless you treat DSC like your own (while simultaneously remembering at all times you need to keep your fucking nose out because you’re only dad’s wife/girlfriend)

I’ll treat my DSC like they were my own the minute I get some rights to go with those responsibilities thank you very much.

Oh gosh step mum bashing again!
Whats wrong in OP wanting to on a trip with just their little family?

Each relationship needs to be nurtured ..

This is my favourite thread! It pops up every so often. You can go on holiday with or without your SC as often as you like. Some people are really sensitive about this and it’s all very weird. Your SC can go on holiday as often as she likes too! You can go away on your own without either child don’t you know. You cannot go on holiday with both your children all the time in a blended family, for example what if BM says no, we’re on holiday that week, is H going to say no? Also you can go on holiday with your toddler without worrying about school fines, it’s also cheaper. Also your SC will go on other holidays with her BM, why does resident child get less. It goes on and on. Go away as often as you can and gave a good life OP but your real problem is your H, he sounds like an absolute dick!

In 18 years we’ve taken my SD on three holidays. We’ve taken my BS on 28 ( average 2 a year) that’s not including the endless day trips without her also. Her BM has chosen to go on expensive foreign holidays and that’s her choice what she spends her money on. We’ve enjoyed caravanning, camping, museums, galleries and zoos because that’s what we enjoy as a family. SD does not fit in with these activities and finds them boring. Should we stop them because she doesn’t come? Should we have taken her and endured her sulking and whingeing? No, you go without her and have a really good time.

@Honeyroar

Just because the step child might go on holiday with their mother why should it mean they don’t deserve to be included in a family holiday with their dad? It’s not a competition for how many holidays they have. A step child might win on total numbers of days on holiday compared to their step siblings, but not on how many days they spend with their dad..

See, just as I said. It's a 'but your child lives with their dad aaaalll the tiiiiime' poster. And their logic is always that this apparently trumps everything and means that your child can never have any perceived privileges.

But 'it's not a competition' if the SC has any of these privileges. If they go on a mega holiday with their mum and your DC has to hear all about it, they have to suck it up, if they get more new toys, more oocket money, if dad spends more quality time with them, if they choose what everyone is having for tea and what family movie everyone watches and what weekend activities everyone is doing. Bet they would also say that if dad booked a holiday just for them and him this would be fine too, because they are so traumatised by their mum and dad not living together and will be until the end of time.

Agreed @hadesinahalfahell it's in the best interest for the SC for everyone to be happy and for there to be as little resentment as possible.

Yes stepchildren are just as important as the resident kids but life doesn't just stop when they're not around, they still do things with their mum.

Bet they would also say that if dad booked a holiday for just them and him this would be fine too

That's a good point, I cannot imagine anyone complaining if a dad went on holiday just with the SC.

You need to leave the baby at home as well.

@LiJo2015
If you wouldnt do it with your own child why do you think its ok to do it with your step child?

Except many of us have said we would do it with our own child
I’d have no problem going away without my own kids and have done on several occasions (usually at least once a year to be honest).

And it’s perfectly ok for SMs to want a bit of time away with just their partner and their own children.

Having SCs around often completely changes the family dynamic and adds a ton of pressure to the stepparent which I often think the biological parents forget as it’s their child and they don’t feel that way. It’s ok for stepparents to want a break from that sometimes, we’re only human.

I’m lucky because both my DP and I recognise how difficult it is to be stepparent to each other’s children and carve time out for each other, and for the kids in all different combinations.

The view that you must always include everyone all is naive, adds too much pressure to each individual relationship (between the kids also) and causes resentment long term.

As long as SC is included in the nice family orientated holidays then it’s fine for OP to want some time just with her own baby and partner.

It certainly doesn’t make her evil.

The view that you must always include everyone all the time is naive, adds too much pressure to each individual relationship (between the kids also) and causes resentment long term^^

If she was yours, would you leave her behind? I can't imagine leaving my elder child behind and taking the baby away. Dd would be devastated and so jealous. Leaving both children with family is a different matter.

My husband and I regularly have adult holidays and leave both children with grandparents.

We've never gone with one child and left the other behind.

That's the issue. There's nothing wrong with couple time. It's the exclusion of the 5 ywar old.

@LaraLuce I have taken my DS6 on trips on his own. I took him to peppa pig world before covid and stayed a couple of nights in a hotel with him.
I’m also planning on taking him to stay in the Legoland hotel when we are allowed.

I also have taken my DD10 on trips all over Europe for city breaks. She’s a bit older, loves museums and the theatre etc. It’s a completely different dynamic when it’s just me and her and if I’m honest far more enjoyable for me. She’s very mature for her age and loves nothing more then going to a fancy restaurant.

My trips with DD would be DS’ idea of hell, and vice versa.

We do beach holidays every year too with both of my kids... and another with my SCs too.

As with all these threads OP - the bitter ex will rant that their child is left out .. the step mother will rant that they wouldn't mind just a few days with their husband and /or their own kids. (Interesting that this concern for Dsc is always one way - my own children were always expected to have their main holiday shared and very much on a budget whereas dsc would have had 2 sometimes 3 long haul holidays with their mother .. but ho hom Dsc sensibilities must always be put before ones own children on MN )

Luckily we never subscribed to this bollox. A decade later no one cares, no one kept score.. because there are more important things in life and the kids are all kind thoughtful individuals.

Seems to me the only ones that care are the mothers of the Dsc. Which is simply meddling projection .

If you subscribe to the children of a first marriage being afforded 'special time' with their natural parent, then the same is equally true of children from a second marriage. They are equally entitled. They didn't choose to come second. They are of absolute and equal importance to the natural parent as the first. Being born first doesn't give you a 'greater' claim to or entitlement to your parents time.

@SpongebobNoPants

Im certainly not advocating the poster is evil! Just that there is a clear difference to how sp would treat their own and sc. it seems as soon as there own children come along they want this exclusively.

I am a stepkid and have seen it played out personally and too many times with friends and families who are in this situation.