Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

@aSofaNearYou

I thought I’d be binary about it, just Incase someone else felt the need to say her pooooorrrrr children.

Okay sorry I’ll re phrase for mother of the year.

Couldn’t be bothered to prioritise her child over 1 day at work in a presumably 40odd year long career.

Luckily for me, I know exactly what date my children’s birthdays fall on so I can ensure I’m off work on that day. If it falls on a school day I can then collect and drop off and enjoy the day with them. If it falls in the holidays or a weekend, even better. I actually thought this was normal.

@SendHelp30 well done to you. Gold star. Take two in fact. Perhaps I didn’t want to take that particular date off. There are times in companies where leave is frowned upon and people are expected to be in.

And I love the fact that I didn’t have the day off. That I got asked to go and sort this issue, because it was a turning point in my career.

And do you actually know what I enjoy more? The fact that I can post that I still stand by that decision. That I’d do it again. And that I have zero regrets. That’s me as a mother, could you imagine me as a step mother?

They’d be even further down my priority list.

Let me know if you need the smelling salts.

@SendHelp30 I must be a horrifically awful parent then, I missed my youngest child’s entire 1st, 2nd & 3rd birthdays because of work.
You say it’s a choice, but if I had said “I’m not going” then it would have been unlikely I could have retained my position and continued in my career.
So what do you think would have bothered my child more? Spending his birthdays with his dad and celebrating the day after with me (essentially getting 2 birthdays)? Or having a mum that always put her career 2nd to him resulting in financial instability and a mother dissatisfied with her career and ultimately miserable?
I know which I’d prefer.

@sassbott I totally agree with you.
I love my children. I gave them life, but that doesn’t mean I have to give up my life in the process.

Bloody hell, ‘too selfish to have children’. 🙄

The thing is, for all the gnashing and wailing that goes on about ‘poor children’ on any thread about SMs or working mums or anything else that doesn’t require you to martyr yourself on here, it does not produce a child friendly society. It mostly produces situations where other peoples badly behaved kids are intolerable so people often just don’t like children and want them to be confined to awful places for kids.

Tbh the most child friendly places I’ve experienced, tend to be in cultures with a strong respect your elders culture, where adult needs and work etc are very often put first. Children can be adored and treated well, but expected to behave appropriately and to defer to adults. In those situations people are generally incredibly welcoming of children in all sorts of places (and often people are perfectly happy for other adults to tell their kids off when they need it).

It is good for everyone to learn that they’re not the centre of the universe.

@sassbott @SpongebobNoPants

Thinking about it, all the people genuinely horrified at the thought of going away without their children are missing out.

Sometimes it’s wonderful to get away just you and your husband. Or just with your friends. It does kids no harm to have that time with their grandparents instead. Or just with their other parent.

Obviously I’m a horrible parent though. I’ve been on holiday without any of my children or stepchildren, with only some of the children, and also with all of them. Even before I met DH, I have been on holiday with DS2 without DS1 (who didn’t even want to come). And my husband and I will continue to go on holiday with just the baby as well as with all the DC.

Tbh, I don’t really want my holidays to be all ice creams and sandcastles. Even with my DC. When I went with just DS2, we did a city break just the two of us. He had a great time.

I’ve done sandcastles and water parks with DH, DS2 and my DSC. Again DS1 declined to join us, Tbh, it’s not my idea of a fun holiday really. It’s bloody hard work and I mostly felt that it may well have been more fun to just stay at home. Genuinely I only do those holidays because my DH wants to. I’d be quite happy for him to go on his own with the DSC but he doesn’t want to do that (because it’s such bloody hard work, and he finds eating out with them as grim as I do; he also wants my company - and help - to make it easier for him).

If I suggested to my DH that we should only ever be able to go on holiday with all the children, he’d be the first to veto that idea!

What you do on your non contact days is really none of your Dsd's business.

Couldn't agree more. I went on a girl weekend when ds was 1.5 and honestly it saved my sanity. It was nice to not be a mum and to chill out.
It's bloody hard working full time studying part time being a muma nd a step parent ontop.
In fact if I was you op I'd bite my dp hand off and say yes you agree he wants holiday with both his children and he can take both children away and you can go away with your mates and drink mucho wine!

@SendHelp30 My parents didn't book any of my birthday's off work. I don't know anybody who does.

My dad was on trips a few times too.

Some ridiculous replies on here, as always when a thread relates to a stepmum. Some posters will agree that it is evil, and traumatising, for any SC to ever, ever not take part in or commandeer every aspect of your life. Some would even jump on the Disney dad bandwagon of forbidding you from ever taking your own kid on a day out unless the SC is there, as if the SC is locked in a cellar doing nothing the entire time they aren't in your house. Your own DC of course does not require any of this hysterical nurturing or care and their needs will always be secondary, if not irrelevant, to people like this. They don't give a fuck about his being part of a blended family impacts upon them and would probably not acknowledge that it has any impact on them at all 'because dad lives with them', as if that is the be all and end all. Never mind that they expect them to grow up with the dynamic that life stops and the fun stops unless the prodigal child is at the house and then all activities are centred around them in case they are traumatised because they haven't enjoyed themselves enough.

I've been on holiday numerous times without my own DC. My DC have been taken on holidays without me there. Would my DC thank me for a cultural city break? Absolutely not.

This has resulted thus far in resilient, well rounded and balanced children. Who appreciate that they are my world but I will not consistently sacrifice my needs when it isn’t warranted. What message does that send them for their adult life? The world does not revolve around you. Other people’s needs should be factored into your expectation of what is reasonable. And that you can love someone, but have a degree of freedom, it’s healthy!

@sassbott - I completely agree with this.

Lol really enjoying a lot of these latest reply, I love my baby boy intensely but I already know I am not the sort of parent who's life 100% evolves around their children, I even knew that before I had children. I don't believe my parents bought me up that way and they bought up 3 wonderful independent, hard working women (even though my dad left when I was 10) my mum and I would often go on holiday just us as there is quite an age gap between me and my older sisters.

unfortunately i don't think DP will ever compromise until SD is a bit older so I guess I will have to crack on.

I am not sure how to approach the horrible words he said to me, he actually said many more awful things, he has had a really bad tooth ache and hasn't slept for weeks so I'm sort of letting him off bedside if I bring it up we'll have the same argument. I've basically not spoken to him since because he plays that game of just pretending nothings happened and no one was hurt.

Advice on that? Ieave it this time? Bring it up and risk another heated argument about how important the DS is?

Some would even jump on the Disney dad bandwagon of forbidding you from ever taking your own kid on a day out unless the SC is there
Classic example - the thread last year where OP was told she was a disgrace if she took her DD on a mother/daughter day out without her stepsons, she should be splitting her available money equally between the three of them. More than one poster was absolutely serious about this. It’s such an unhealthy dynamic of utter entitlement, I’d want to stop it developing from the start.

@Balabomy I can assure you when you meet a man with children those children do not become your children also!! I'm pretty sure no BM would want a new woman taking ownership of their children!

They become children you have to of course factor in and Make sacrifices for and (hopefully) grown to like and care for but to call them yours is very unreasonable

Tell him that he needs to go to a dentist @harryclr. And make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and not excused by the toothache. Dentists are open.

You may have to accept that your DP is not going to change his mind. And he may well go even further towards the fun beginning and ending when his prodigal daughter is there. There is no reasoning with this stuff unfortunately.

What you can do is think about what you want for your DS - setting aside what you’d hope for his relationship with his father. And be firm about making sure it happens.

Songbird, I m sorry but I don't agree at all. This is fundamental of being involved with a person who has a child. Child comes first, not you. Sorry but this is the truth that step mum here doesn't seem to be able to face. If you're serious about a person you need to love all that he comes with, not a pick and choose. Your words:.. "(hopefully) grown to like and care for but to call them yours is very unreasonable" are deeply flawed and are the reason step relations don't work frequently. That innocent step child will grow up already without his or her mum and dad being together. It seems all you can offer is your '(hopeful) tolerance' and asking for more is unreasonable apparently. How very sad...

Actually @Balabomy, the expectation that anyone should love a child like they are their own and put them first at all times (before themselves? Before their own children?) is what ultimately dooms many stepfamily relationships. It’s a completely unreasonable expectation.

It’s the sort of naive thing people say when they’ve given no real though to the actual dynamics at work in a blended family. But, hey, it sounds like The Right Thing To Say.

@Balabomy
I can assure you that if I started calling and treating DSD as my own, her mother would go off her tits and DSD would rebel against it so hard, because it would be an intrusive lie and a completely unnecessary overstep of my role as DHs wife.
The real sad thing is when DCs are lead to believe a relationship is, or should be, something that it’s not and are then let down, which seems to be more like your own experience.

In fact, I fundamentally don’t believe that parents act as if their child(ren) come first and are Most important at all times. Some may claim to, but it’s not how things actually play out. But this is what you are expecting of stepparents.

I've just read tft.. and what a load of judgmental codswallop from what I can only assume is the 'first wives club'

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are proposing OP.. your only issue will be fitting it in - in time.

If DH is still flagellating himself with misplaced guilt of not treating both children equally - I would leave baby behind with grandparents/aunt/close friends. Then he can't complain

As for 'fairness' ... he needs to stop this shit. We have 7 between us. They all get different stuff. They are different ages. Five years is a big difference.. she will get stuff that's not appropriate for a sibling five years younger.
We always had one joint family holiday every year.
We also took breaks as a couple with mine. That his didn't get. He took his away for a few days on his own at half terms which mine didn't get.

No one is irreparably psychologically damaged by us not sitting down and making sure EVERYONE got 'the same' ! They are now 7 well adjusted young adults who only ever needed to know they were loved . 'Stuff' pales into insignificance if you get that bit right.

@Balabomy
Songbird, I m sorry but I don't agree at all. This is fundamental of being involved with a person who has a child. Child comes first, not you. Sorry but this is the truth that step mum here doesn't seem to be able to face

Errr no. Not everyone feels that way, it’s nothing to do with being a stepmum.
I have 2 children from a prior a relationship and they do not always come first or above my partner.
My children’s needs are of paramount importance but not always their wants. A holiday is not a need.
I adore my children but I also love and respect my partner enough to consider his wants and what is needed to make our relationship work.

People with children should not date if they aren’t willing to prioritise their partner also. If they are of the mindset “my kids always come first” then they are selfish to take a partner because from they are promising a relationship but then condemning them to be second place.

In our house all needs are met to the best of my ability, including the emotional needs of my partner and all wants are considered. It’s a balancing act.

YABU and extremely selfish

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