Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

You can't have 'grown up breaks' with a baby.

Tbh this is what you should have done before having a baby.

You world is zoo’s and ice cream now x

We managed to with our first, you absolutely can have grown up breaks. We went to Paris, Belgium & the Dordogne for more grown up sightseeing, eating and galleries etc before it became more child-centred once he was on his feet and needing more child-friendly entertainment. Could you take her with you on your main holiday but try to get a weekend city break or two just with the baby? (Although the current situation might scupper that, granted) .

YABU.

Stop treating your stepchild like an inconvenience.

I don’t see what is wrong with what you want.
All parents who can afford a holiday want to take advantage of going outside of school holidays before their child starts and they’re subjected to the price hikes and hordes of people.
I disagree with a previous poster that you can’t have a grown up break with a baby. Sure, it isn’t a proper grown up break but having a baby is very different to a 5 year old. For example a 1 year can’t talk.. you actually end up being able to speak to your partner for the majority of the day.
Once your baby is properly talking it becomes bloody hard to have a conversation!
My DH has no problem having holidays without his DD. His DD is very well looked after by her mother, gets lots of lovely holidays with her mum, and we also do some nice holidays with her. All of that means he feels ok about it. Plus he sees how different the dynamic is ( not better, but different) and he can enjoy his time with us.
His DD has lots of experiences without my son being there. I don’t see why my son can only experience a holiday if his stepsister can make it etc. Some of it is financial too. Not working it all around school breaks (pre Covid) etc means we have been able to have a few experiences we couldn’t if we waited for his dd to join in her holiday

But your partner is the problem. Him calling you evil is worrying. It’s very sad but you can’t change him. I’d start planning some lovely things to do with someone else.. do you have a close girlfriend, mum, relation? I’d go on a lovely holiday with them and let him miss out.

I doubt you are going to get away anywhere before your baby is mobile.

I don't agree with you ........... but ............
I wouldn't be going anywhere with someone who called me 'selfish' and 'evil' for whatever reason.

It's fine and it's not evil. If you go when she's with her mum and you wouldn't normally see her in that time then I don't see the problem.

Did you not discuss this pre baby?
Honestly your dp sounds like a prat.
This is how it works in our house which isnt unusual.
Dsc go away with us and their half sibling on holidays, they go away with their mom and they also go away with maternal grandparents without their mom.
My pre school ds goes away with us without the dsc, also with us and the dsc and also sometimes just with me and other family eg his cousins and aunts.
Dsc mom hs gone away without them with her partner when we had them and me and dp have for a birthday weekend been away without any children as dsc were with their mom and ds with grandparents.
This will drastically change due to costs when they are all school ages then we may go away with all kids once a year as just ds once. The dsc are not missing out at all as they have laods of holidays.

However, your baby is getting to the crawling stage so don't underestimate how much they may not want to be stationary soon!

He called me selfish and 'evil'

Do you expect your relationship to last if he says this kind of thing to you?

All parents who can afford a holiday want to take advantage of going outside of school holidays before their child starts and they’re subjected to the price hikes and hordes of people.

But her DH is a parent whose child has already started school. I don’t think he should be calling you evil or selfish, but I can see why he’d be uncomfortable going away with one of his children and not the other.

It always amazes me that people who marry someone who has previous children are furious when their DP doesn't want to exclude said child, YABVU

But there nto excluding them... Just go away when they are at school and not your contact days or when their mom has them and takes them away. Reasonable.

However, your baby is probably getting too old now to want to just be still and facilitate a city break. We took our ds to pompei when he was 1 and he was a nightmare.

If he doesn't want to go on holiday without both his children he doesn't have to.

What about suggesting leaving your child with someone so you can have a city break just the two of you if you want grown up time.

Exactly why I wanted to try and go somewhere before he got too old and active and because we missed out on our trip before he was born due to Covid. And yeh, I guess I can see not being able to travel for a while so we're not even going to be able to anyway!

It's nice to see people have all the balance, I would never except to not go on holiday all for of us and would only suggest when she's at school/weekend when she's with her mum. One problem I guess could be that she hasn't yet been away with her mum but that's not to say it will never happen.

And no, I can't see our relationship going strong if he calls me those things/actually thinks those things of me. Or there is absolutely no compromise or balance on anything.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else fear bringing up even the littlest of things about DS as DP will just get instantly dismissive/defensive?

I think it's the dad guilt, which is frustrating as the reason they aren't with their child's mum isn't ours! (Unless of course you had an affair and broke up a home of course, which I have not done)

Imagine knowing your dad and his wife/partner took their own child away without you. How would you feel child or adult ?
Makes me sick already treating them differently.

U have a holiday with all kids all ages or no kids at all including your own.

But they're not excluding them.

Unless there are limitless funds then they are excluding the 5yo.

We missed out on our baby moon? WTF is that? Your partner has two children. It's heartwarming to see that he acknowledges this. Unless you do too it's not going to be a tricky relationship.

Oh ffs - here we go again with the poor unloved dsc bs!
@harryclr - my dc's df & sm used to go on holidays during term time with their two preschoolers leaving my school going dcs at home & no one batted an eyelid. Exh would always then do a mini break at home or abroad with our dc & without the small ones.
Holidays really do not need to be as divisive as many on here make them out to be.
However, your partners reaction to your suggestion is way out of line. There are some good posts on here at the moment from women dealing with 'defensive dads' - you should check them out for a bit if support & perspective.

by the time you’re able to travel for your “babymoon” and trip to Lisbon your baby will be too old to plonk in a pram.

I get your point but what you are doing is including your new baby and excluding your 5 year old whilst justifying the means.

If you are going to have grown up time away, which I think is a good idea, then you need to make arrangements for your baby to be cared for by family
Or friends for a long weekend.

Taking a baby isn't having grown up time and isn't fair on your 5 year old daughter.

When my ex remarried and had 2 more DC he never once included our DC in any holidays/trips. Even though they had lovely holidays etc with their SF and me , they definitely felt left out and second best .
What’s a baby moon ??

If you could

I agree with him that it’s not fair; how would your explain it to his DD? We’re going on holiday with your sister but not you because we don’t want to have to entertain you and we want adult conversation? If you had another DC would you leave your older one at home and take the younger one because you want those holidays?
To be honest I think you probably only have until they’re one to have holidays like that anyway and even so the day revolves around their routine so with the pandemic I don’t think you’re going to have time for it.
We went on holidays just us without DSD before our DC were born but we’d also take DD away and her mum wouldn’t agree to foreign holidays at the time so it made it a bit more simple. Since our DC have been born we always take DSD as I think it’s unfair and would make DSD feel she wasn’t actually part of our family. It’s a shame that we then have to always go in the school holidays but it’s part of being a step parent.

Try and put yourself in the other side of the argument. If you and DH separated and he and his new partner wanted to take their child on holiday and not your baby, would you think that’s fair? I wouldn’t.

Also, you won’t have a grown up holiday with a baby.

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her.

How often are you suggesting doing things without her? Sounds like it may be quite often.
If you want an "adult" holiday then you need to leave both children behind. You can't expect him to leave his child out, especially if she's never had a holiday before.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Yes. It's incredibly selfish. Don't you have any other chance to be just you and the baby? Do you not have chances to be intimate or affectionate at home? If not then it's not going to happen on a city break with a baby in the room.
Also, why can't you have interesting conversation in front of children? You seem to be looking at his child as a pain that stops you from enjoying yourself, whereas it's fine in front of your child. Look at it from his point of view. His child is an inconvenience to you. You want to carry on as a little family without his dd. If that happened to you, you would get defensive standing up for your child too.