Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

Your DP shouldn't speak to you like that but he has two children to consider.

His 5 year old is unlikely to understand why she had been left out. It would be a hard no from me too.

If you have another baby in the future, would you be happy leaving your DS behind whilst you holiday with the new, more convenient baby?

Do kids in general get upset they have missed out a city break or is it just DSC that like those?
I’d not leave my DSD out of a kids holiday (unless unavoidable clash with her holiday with her mum for example, but that’s literally the only turn I’d do it) but what your suggesting isn’t that at all.
But worrying he thinks you are evil. Why did he have a baby with you then?

There's no right or wrong answer to this - people have different opinions. Personally I think it would be fine to have long weekends away without your partner's child, but not your main holiday of the year.

As others have said, your partner calling you selfish and evil and being unable to discuss the matter calmly and politely is the main problem here. You need to urgently address the communication issues between you.

I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children.

What you seem to be missing is that this has already happened for your DH. The child he has with you is his second child. He's already years into being a parent. In his shoes I wouldn't be OK at all with your suggestion because of what lies behind it and what it implies.

@harryclr you’re not being unreasonable or selfish.
Try and put yourself in the other side of the argument. If you and DH separated and he and his new partner wanted to take their child on holiday and not your baby, would you think that’s fair? I wouldn’t.
I would. I wonder how many of the critical posters above are step-parents themselves and know what it is like to be in OP’s shoes.
No doubt DSD’s mum and her family will take DSD away do things with her that OP’s baby will not be included in. That’s normal - and no one would suggest otherwise. So it’s not unreasonable to suggest that there will be occasions where OP and her DP may do things with their DC which do not include DSD - particularly when DSD is at her mum’s or at school. Is life meant to go on hold for OP and her DC when DSD is not there?
I am a SM, I go away with my DCs without the DP/DSCs, my DP goes away with the DSCs without us, sometimes we all go away together. Sometimes DP and I take out DCs or DSCs and do something nice when the other lot aren’t here. DP has joined me for a few days when I’ve been away with my DCs, without bringing the DSCs who were away with their DM.
The DCs and DSCs both have homes with the other parent where they are doing nice things/being taken out/away. They are all being looked after in each home - and it won’t ever be exactly the same for all of them because they have different parents.
It’s not black and white or an exact science and there is no rule book - despite the tone of some previous posts. For most blended families it’s a balancing act and it’s not unreasonable for a parent to want, from time to time, to do things with their own DC.
I would be concerned about the anger from your DP though - calling you ‘evil’ - that is a ridiculous overreaction. But other posters on this board are also struggling with hugely defensive DPs when it comes to the DSCs unfortunately

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

How does a 7 month old not have wants?

And that paragraph reads like you just want to pack on the PDA and have a shagfest

^ How does a 7 month old not have wants?

And that paragraph reads like you just want to pack on the PDA and have a shagfest^

OP is not saying that the baby doesn’t have wants. She is, rightly, saying that a holiday with a baby and a holiday with both a baby and a 5 year old are very different things.

Anyone who has holidayed with a baby and/or a 5 year old would surely understand what she is saying?

A baby needs entertaining and attention.

And intimate and affectionate are oh dear a baby is a grim thought.

*around

Bloody auto correct

Of course a baby needs entertaining and affection - where has OP said otherwise. But a baby also has naps/sleeps more, and the demands for entertainment are v different from a 5 yr old
The point is not that going on holiday with a baby will be the same as going on holiday just OP and DP (which of course it won’t) but that it will be very different from going on holiday with a baby and a 5 yr old. Which, of course, it will. There won’t be 2 children’s needs to balance - and there won’t be the added demands of a 5 year old.

Tbh I think you are wrong about how enjoyable breaks away with your baby would be, perhaps it's just me but I think the reality would be pretty stressful.

However, his reaction is way out of line and emotionally manipulative. Your partner sounds volatile and emotionally manipulative.

There isn't a right or wrong here, although with a couple of single good friends, the second a man suggests a holiday or special event without her child they are dropped like a lead balloon. They say the men don't appreciate the fact that they come as a package.
Baby moon is a new one on me though - up there with baby showers and gender reveals.

Oh lord alive. Another day, same heinous reactions of you’re selfish, you horrible woman, how dare you entertain ANYTHING when the SD isn’t included/ thought of

You’re not being remotely unreasonable. Your partner is not a very nice person in how he has spoken to you. You are not alone. A lot of posters on here repeatedly cite completely disproportionate responses from partners over THEIR children. It’s boring tbh. (As are the wails and pelting of stones from mothers on these boards). I am a mother by the way and my children have been the SD (they didn’t bat an eyelid).

Honestly op? Take your baby away with a friend/ family member. Travel/ do your thing. Let him sit at home and sort his holiday with his DD (and pay the extortionate school holiday costs).

And yes. A holiday with a baby is vastly different to a holiday with a Duracell fuelled 5 year old who will want / need constant watching/ attention.

Evil? Honestly, I’m shaking my head sat here. These men have real issues (and I don’t say that lightly).

Completely agree with you, although you may find once you can travel again, your 7 month old is a mobile toddler and city breaks are off the table anyway.

These comments are weird. You don't have to explain anything to her if you go during a time you wouldn't normally see her and haven't rearranged any contact time. Do you justify every trip to the park or soft play (covid aside) without her too?
My dad, his wife and my youngest brother go on holiday. I fully expect them to considering they live together as a family unit.

As a woman with children, I do not understand the need to plan trips without children as being a complication. We take trips with the children, trips without the children, girl trips and guy trips. Covid has limited a lot of trip travel and that is likely going to be the case for a good while.

I think the OP's husband sees himself as a father of 2 always and she sees herself as part of a unit of 3 . He will always plan with 2 children in mind because that is his reality. Her reality is that she is a parent of 1.

In most families , there are grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncle who are sometimes available as fill in sitters ,so planning the occasional adult get away should not be a source of high drama. If the OP is making frequent requests for activities that do not include both children, I can see why the partner would be reluctant to participate. If he has lost his interest in or need for alone time with the OP , that is a relationship problem of a different kind.

Good for him. I think he's nibbed this in the bud before you're making more excuses to exclude her. I wouldn't bring a baby to an adult holiday..yabu if you want an adult holiday go away yourselves. Why the hell is a baby moon

In our house, a family holiday is the priority over any other trips. Once I know my kids have got/had their holiday, crack on with all the city breaks/girls weekends/golfing trips as funds and time off allows.

We don't even do necessarily expensive family trips, but it is always something they will love, over what would be our first choice.

As long as his dd is included on the family holiday and it's something she will enjoy, then what's the problem booking additional shorter trips away as a couple, or when she is with her mum, taking the baby along?

Good for him. I think he's nibbed this in the bud before you're making more excuses to exclude her.

If you think it is "good for him" to call her evil over this then you are as warped as he is and likely just as much of a bully.

He called me selfish and 'evil'

Did he actually say "you are selfish/evil"? Or was it more "I can't leave her out, that's an evil thing to do. It would he selfish to exclude her"

aSofaNearYou agreeing doesn't make me a bully and it depends on what context it was said as pp stated. It maybe a list of on going issues where he feels his dd is being untreated unfairly infamous of ops new child.

@Amira19 If he feels she is excluding his daughter to the extent of being evil, then he shouldn't be with her. If he doesn't genuinely believe that, then he shouldn't be saying it.

"Good for him" suggests he handled the situation in an appropriate manner, which he absolutely did not

I am not sure why you would be expected to bring your step daughter on every holiday you go on. I have no doubt she will have her own holidays with her mother. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go away just with your baby. It is easier with a baby, especially if you go to a country that is very child friendly, you can bring them with you in the evening and let them sleep in the buggy.

Your DP cant expect every holiday to include his DD and those that think they should are being ridiculous. Does he spend any alone time with his DD or are you expected to mother her too?

To add I never once went on holiday with my dad, step mother and half sister. Not once...was never asked and not discussed. I also didnt expect too either.

I don’t think you are wrong either OP. It’s totally fine to want to do things without your DSD in her non-contact time. Of course it is.

Your husband is totally out of order to call you evil and selfish.

My DH and I go away without the DSC (and without my DSes). We can do what we like when they’re with their other parent. We will continue to do so with our baby (when we can travel). Even when he’s big enough that we’d be holidaying in ways the older kids might enjoy too, it’s a totally different thing going away just the 3 of us to when we go with everyone.

The other kids all get holidays with their other parents in their time too. Why should we all just sit at home when it’s just the 3 of us?