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Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:52

[quote Stantons]@mrsplum2015 I have absolutely no obligation what so ever to OHs kids, none. I am not responsible for them and I most certainly won't be told what to do by the woman that gave birth to them[/quote]

This this and THIS. With bells on.

Stantons · 03/12/2020 15:54

@mrsplum2015 I cant imagine being adamant and demanding another person meet with me for my benefit, the world is made up of all sorts of different approaches

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:55

Ok i guess I'm different then as I feel that a relationship with my partners daughter is not my right and her parents have every right to meet anyone who spends a lot of time with her

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:56

And for those that don't agree with me do you have birth children also?

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 03/12/2020 15:56

I've sort of been on the other side in this one although I wasn't the other woman but I was/am the 1st gf post split.
I was SO nervous about meeting his friends ex, didn't know what to say to her.
We met very very briefly the first time at drop off just to say hi im daffodils, think I actually shook her hand but I was that nervous I don't really remember and it was 6 years ago now! Our relationship has been full circle from awkward to good friends to now just talking if we need to re DSS. Things like are you home could do with picking up spare coat/PE kit etc or organisation of drop off when both her and my DP were working during lockdown but I wasn't so had DSS more.

I think trying to meet her during dads contact time is great. Could you get to a park? Then you can watch how she is with your son and how he interacts with her. You can say hi and have a quick chat, ask what they are up to that day etc while dad plays with your son then depending on how it goes for your son, my DSS would then have gone home with mum as he struggled then and still does now seeing both his parents together so we try and work it into normal changeover times.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:56

Just as I do to my partners daughter and I am answerable to both him and her mother while I'm responsible for her.

This is clearly where you and I differ. I don't see myself as 'responsible' for anyone else's children but my own, whether I'm with their father or not. And I am certainly not 'answerable' to any other person either.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:59

@mrsplum2015

And for those that don't agree with me do you have birth children also?

Yes. My daughter has had a stepmother for the best part of 8 years. I have never made demands to meet her (when I've met her briefly it's been coincidental / in passing), and I certainly do not see her as "obligated" towards my child in any way whatsoever! The only person I view as "obliged" to look after her and parent her when she is at her other home, is her father.

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 03/12/2020 16:00

I know I would want to meet any other adult my young child was spending a significant amount of time with. Even if just to put a face to a name. To be able to help my child if they talk about that person to me. I wouldn't send him to nursery or school without knowing who his teacher.
I would like to be able to reassure myself they are a nice person amd do like my child. They will probably be left in sole charge at some point even if it's just for 10 mins while dad nips to the shop, talks to a neighbour or answers the phone

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:05

Well I've met anyone who spends time with my dc alone, up until a certain age obviously, and it's likely his gf will be in that role so it's no different.

Don't get the fuss to be honest

And like I said i find it odd my partners ex doesn't want to meet me as I'm out and about with her daughter in my sole care. If we bumped into each other somewhere and her daughter says hi mum this is Mrsplum surely that would be awkward given we haven't already met ???

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:05

Thank you daffodils. Exactly

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:08

They will probably be left in sole charge at some point even if it's just for 10 mins while dad nips to the shop, talks to a neighbour or answers the phone

And even if they were, why isn't Dad competent enough to make the decision about their safety and who they are left with? Why does it need your stamp of approval? Why are you letting your kids be in their father's care if he's so useless he can't make an appropriate judgement about who is safe to leave the kids with, and who isn't? If I had this little faith in my ex partner, I wouldn't even be sending my daughter there!

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:09

It's not to judge if they are capable. That's decided. It's just so you know who they are.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 16:09

@mrsplum2015

And for those that don't agree with me do you have birth children also?
Yes I have two kids of my own.

Have never met my husband ex wife.

She "demanded" that I didn't meet her kids until he and I had been together for 12 months. We told her to jog on as its nothing to do with her

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:10

@mrsplum2015

It's not to judge if they are capable. That's decided. It's just so you know who they are.

For no reason other than to be controlling over your ex partner's life and those he chooses to invite into it.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:11

So I guess you haven't met your exes new partner either Gretnacastle?

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:12

Nope for no reason other than to be supportive of my ex and our children

BillMasen · 03/12/2020 16:13

@mrsplum2015

Well I've met anyone who spends time with my dc alone, up until a certain age obviously, and it's likely his gf will be in that role so it's no different.

Don't get the fuss to be honest

And like I said i find it odd my partners ex doesn't want to meet me as I'm out and about with her daughter in my sole care. If we bumped into each other somewhere and her daughter says hi mum this is Mrsplum surely that would be awkward given we haven't already met ???

The fuss is about you being adamant, demanding, certain. Insistent

Wanting to meet is ok. Thinking it’s a good idea is ok. Demanding and expecting it is not ok

You’ve not said what you’d do if your demands were refused (I don’t think). Would you be difficult? Withdraw access like one poster has had happen? Or just accept it and carry on?

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:14

If we bumped into each other somewhere and her daughter says hi mum this is Mrsplum surely that would be awkward given we haven't already met ???

Not at all awkward. Everyone has to meet for the first time at some point. This isn't too dissimilar to how I met my daughter's stepmother in passing - a polite hello nice to meet you, off we go on our way. I'd rather that than a forced, coercive, meeting set up because another person was "adamant" they meet me for their own gain and motivations. This alone would make me feel instantly awkward and not want to meet them!

I can just imagine the conversation between DP and I when we met 5 years ago...

"Darling, ex W is adamant you meet her if you're going to be involved with the kids....".

"Oh god of course, if she insists, I must go!!"

🙄🙄

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 16:14

@mrsplum2015

So I guess you haven't met your exes new partner either Gretnacastle?
Not since we played in the same orchestra in about 1988. Why would I? Its none of my business who he dates
LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:15

@mrsplum2015

Nope for no reason other than to be supportive of my ex and our children

He doesn't need your support, he's and adult with a new life. Your kids are presumably adequately supported by him when he's looking after them; you presumably do the same when they are with you.

What more is needed?

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:18

Because my kids are aware that it might be odd for their other parent and I want to reassure them it's fine and I know the other person and they can openly discuss her

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:19

And to gretnacastle perhaps you've taken it for granted then that you know who the person is.

I don't need to meet her regularly just say hi im x who are you

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:19

@mrsplum2015

Because my kids are aware that it might be odd for their other parent and I want to reassure them it's fine and I know the other person and they can openly discuss her

My daughter knows she can openly discuss her stepmum with me, because I invite / encourage her to. I don't shut her down when she does; I show interest etc. Having this approach is possible without demanding a meeting with the other party. Trust me.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:20

And I'm totally up front so would feel awful bumping in to my kids with another person who i didn't know and would assume anyone would find that odd

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:21

You’ve not said what you’d do if your demands were refused (I don’t think). Would you be difficult? Withdraw access like one poster has had happen? Or just accept it and carry on?

This has been asked a few times and remains unanswered...

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