Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:
mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 20:40

And sure you choose a partner and if you're non interested in his or her kids you don't have to be involved with them

However if you choose to be involved with our kids and you are in a relationship with my ex or i we would want you to meet their other parent

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 20:41

And why people are projecting things onto me I have no idea?

They aren't, they are responding to the entitled language you have been using on this thread; examples of which have been repeatedly pointed out to you.

2bazookas · 03/12/2020 20:45

Just be honest and say something like " I've been dreading this meeting, but I have to get to know you a little for LO's sake. If she is going to spend time with you and Ex, then I know we have to find some way forward. Is it hard for you, too? How can we do this? "

Remember her own child is dealing with a step father. So OW has some experience and maybe you could use that to seek some common ground.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 20:46

I've repeatedly said I'm not making a judgement on a person just meeting them

And I have no expectation of anyone that I would consider unrealistic in my own role as "step mum"

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 20:51

I've repeatedly said I'm not making a judgement on a person just meeting them

It's not about the judgements you are or aren't making. It's about your insistence that they must meet you in the first place. It's arrogant.

And I have no expectation of anyone that I would consider unrealistic in my own role as "step mum"

I don't quite know what you mean here. But if you mean that you would only expect of another woman what you do or don't do yourself (which is what I think you mean) - well, sorry but that's equally arrogant. Just because you are happy with step parenting in a certain way, doesn't mean you get to impose the same expectations on another stepparent. They are allowed to feel differently and to do things differently.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 20:53

It was hi how are you, I value you as someone in the lives of my kids.

I would also be reserving judgement about who I valued in the life of my kids until I got to know them better. I wouldn't be telling them this on a first meeting because how could I possibly know yet that I'm going to value them in my child's life? It's a slightly odd thing to say to someone on a first meeting, IMO.

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 20:54

I was friendly and polite when I met my husband’s ex wife, but we certainly didn’t have any formal meetings or discussions., and when I met his child was dictated solely by my husband.

Same here. My DP waited until he felt the time was right, let his ex know he was going to introduce me during his next weekend with the kids, and then he did so.

I knew them for about 3 years before I met their mum, and our eventual meeting only happened because he was dropping them back to her straight after we had been out together, so even then it wasn't planned, it just worked out that way.

She never asked to meet me and I had no desire to meet her. Her only concern was that I was kind to her children and what they told her about me gave her no cause to worry.

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 20:58

It was hi how are you, I value you as someone in the lives of my kids.

But why would she be bothered about whether you value her or not?

I can understand wanting to put a face to a name if your kids might be chatting about things they'd done together or whatever, but to me that doesn't go hand-in-hand with saying that you absolutely must meet her before she spends time with them.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 20:58

@Bibidy

I've been with my partner for just over five years and I have never met his kids' mother, nor would I want to. Neither of us has any desire to. Works for us.

SD1978 · 03/12/2020 21:13

I can understand his frustrations. You've put a condition on his relationship and time, which they e abides by, and now you're dragging your heels. Either lift the restriction, or meet her. You can't have it both ways.

Witchymclovely · 04/12/2020 13:32

Go for it! Meet her! She might be really nice, you’ll only gain by having a good, mature, open relationship with a potential SM. Y hide? Y recreate tension? My SCs BM hates me, no reason for it. I hate her now too be fair but I always advise other potential women embarking on a blended family situation to get along and make the effort because parenting is bloody hard work anyway without added drama and second guessing what the other woman is thinking. Good luck

YoungScrappyHungry · 04/12/2020 15:15

Wait back up back up back up.

Did you actually stop his kid seeing him until you'd met his new girlfriend???? Are you a fucking dick???

excelledyourself · 04/12/2020 15:38

@YoungScrappyHungry

Wait back up back up back up.

Did you actually stop his kid seeing him until you'd met his new girlfriend???? Are you a fucking dick???

No, she didn't...
Frankola · 06/12/2020 21:55

If you want to meet her then thats up to you. However, its not very helpful of you to say that you must meet her for your LO to spend time with her, then refuse to actually meet her.

From your exs POV you are being controlling and trying to prevent him from blending his DC and partner.

I think the best thing for you to do is have a sit down and seriously think if you absolutely need to meet her. You then need to run through some scenarios in your head of how this might go. That way you're mentally prepared

DogsAreBetterThanPeopleK · 06/12/2020 22:38

If you want to meet her then thats up to you

Well moreso her... She doesn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to.

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 03:49

@excelledyourself apologies, I see now she just stopped the grown adults seeing each other until she had vetted and judged her met her.

Can't believe they agreed to it tbh.

Don't be THAT ex OP.

excelledyourself · 07/12/2020 09:08

No, she didn't do that either. She asked that her son didn't meet the new partner until she had met her. Not saying I agree with that, but you're accusing her of things she actually didn't do.

ZolaGrey · 07/12/2020 09:11

Er, you are getting in the way of his life. Presumably you don't think he's a terrible parent (your own personal relationship qualms aside) so he probably didn't make the decision to introduce her to his child on a whim.

You then said she couldn't see her again until you meet her but you don't want to meet her...so what's he supposed to do? Just live in a weird relationship limbo until you decide you want to meet her?

PottyPollyPutty · 07/12/2020 10:39

@excelledyourself

No, she didn't do that either. She asked that her son didn't meet the new partner until she had met her. Not saying I agree with that, but you're accusing her of things she actually didn't do.
But then refused to meet her as well... which is the part I find massively unreasonable. So in effect stopping them from being together around the child.

You can't say 'I want to meet her first, but I also am not going to meet her'. That's controlling.

If I were him I'd just do it anyway, I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for you to decide to meet her or not. If you want to meet her, meet her. If you don't, let your ex get on with it. It's not up to you anyway.

Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 07/12/2020 10:43

Yabu
You said you wanted to meet her before anymore advancements...now complaining that they listened to you and want to meet. Do you usually attempt to control your ex and others?

Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 07/12/2020 10:49

I met my partner's ex once at a social. She told me all about his previous girlfriend and how she fell out with her ...odd... she is also very controlling or used to be, we don't allowher to controlor dictate to us.. Don't be that bitter, controlling ex. The fact that they have listened to your unreasonable demands speaks more about them

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 11:10

So fucked up

Kel9 · 07/12/2020 11:55

So when I first met my fiancé his ex demanded to meet me! I refused.

Our situation was slightly different in that she went crazy when she was told by my fiancé he met me. They have been separated since my oh and her had there son 9 years ago!! So I couldn’t understand her reaction.

She would often act out when oh dropped his son off so I made the decision that I wouldn’t meet her after all what would it do? I probably couldn’t say anything right in her eyes and plus with my job I couldn’t afford to be silly lol.

Don’t bother meeting her!

MKM10 · 09/12/2020 20:45

If you trust him as a father, you must trust his abilities to choose a partner that not only cares for him but will also care for your children, would you be comfortable with him vetting your future partners before you could progress your relationship? You don’t need to meet her, you know she exists, he is already actively playing a role in her family so they are in an established relationship.
You can be amicable where needed, you can invite her to attend plays or shows if your child has a hobby that parents attend etc offer an olive branch like that when an opportunity arises to begin your amicable relationship rather than making a big deal of it. Consider what your realistic expectations would be if you were in his position.

MKM10 · 09/12/2020 20:53

So how long do you recommend in your little
Book of being a model parent?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.