Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:
DogsAreBetterThanPeopleK · 03/12/2020 15:14

Wow this is so different to my experience of life

Is it just because you've yet to meet someone who'll say no to you?

If my ex was adamant he'd meet anyone who'd be around our kid before I could introduce them I'd tell him to get lost personally.

The other parent is in charge during their contact time, not you. Do you never take DC out with friends or whatever that your ex may not have met before?

You can demand all you like but someone, a new girlfriend or your ex, may not want to agree and in that situation it's not up to you.

DogsAreBetterThanPeopleK · 03/12/2020 15:16

I think if my husband's ex had asked for a 20 minute meeting with me before I met the kids and he told me she was 'adamant' and that it was 'not too much to ask', I'd 100% expect to be given a full on inquisition, for it to be awkward as hell and to absolutely not want to do it.

20 minutes will not tell you a single thing about someone and whether they are 'suitable' to be around your child. You need to trust their other parent, if you don't I can only assume there are other safeguarding reasons for that and you can go to court. But 'i wasn't allowed to meet his new girlfriend for 20 minutes' isn't a valid excuse.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 15:17

Sorry but you have no right to tell them "no further advancements" until you decide different. They were in no way obliged to accept that, and if you are now staying meeting he is completely correct in saying you are interfering in his life.

Ad hard as it maybe its nothing to do with you what he does with your child when it's his time. Nothing at all unless its something illegal in exactly the same way he doesn't get to dictate where you take them and who you meet.

Step back, apologise, and tell them to crack on however they want.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:19

Taking on a "parental" role of his kids is often a necessity or kidness, or in some cases an unfair pressure from their partner, not a privilege they have to jump through hoops for.

Absolutely!! No one should expect that of anyone's partner anyway - it's the other parent's job to do the parenting! I've been with my DP for over 5 years and the parenting of his children always has been and still is his job, not mine. I don't need anyone "checking" if I'm fit to be around his kids, thanks. It's irrelevant, they already have 2 parents! Nothing to do with me.

Dollyparton3 · 03/12/2020 15:19

"I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive."

We that's one way to make sure your ex stays single forever.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:27

I have repeatedly said I'm not judging or checking just getting to know.

It was just a general chit chat. Nothing about rules or boundaries for my kids, nothing about my ex, nothing about what they may or may not do. Literally just who are you, I value your role in my children's life and give you my support.

Why is it so hard to understand?

Like I say I would totally expect my partners daughters mother to call the shots on meeting me. Her daughter has given me a Mother's Day gift ffs.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:28

And like I also said my ex's girlfriend hugged me at the end of the coffee date because she understood it was just what it was.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:30

A 20 minute meeting if you want to spend time with someone's kids in a potentially semi parental role is absolutely not too much to ask

Yes it is. Because even IF his partner wanted and chose to engage with a parental role (which many partners don't, like myself), your ex partner - the children's father - has already judged them to be fit to be around the kids! Why isn't his judgment good enough? It comes across as nothing more than completely controlling and over-involved in your ex partner's life.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:33

@mrsplum2015

I have repeatedly said I'm not judging or checking just getting to know.

It was just a general chit chat. Nothing about rules or boundaries for my kids, nothing about my ex, nothing about what they may or may not do. Literally just who are you, I value your role in my children's life and give you my support.

Why is it so hard to understand?

Like I say I would totally expect my partners daughters mother to call the shots on meeting me. Her daughter has given me a Mother's Day gift ffs.

I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life

This is how you worded it originally. And I'm sure it's not just me who thinks this doesn't sound like you aim is just "general chit chat". Seems you're back tracking a little now. You didn't say "I prefer / would like to meet my ex partner's new partner...but no big deal if not..." etc ; you said you are "adamant" you meet them. A bit controlling and entitled, no?

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:35

No I'm adamant I meet them. Absolutely. And as I said it that same sentence, so I I know who they are, not so that I can decide whether they are suitable. Clearly my ex had already done that.

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 15:36

@mrsplum2015 And what would you do if they said they didn't want to meet you?

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:39

No I'm adamant I meet them. Absolutely.

How can you not see how entitled and controlling this sounds. This is another adult who has nothing to do with you! Your partner is the only person who need to judge them as fit or otherwise to be around his kids.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:40

Well that's up to my ex but we have quite a shared understanding about this kind of thing

So same as if my new partner wasnt prepared meet my children's dad I would have to wonder why, what is the big deal. They are a little person with two parents and if you're relevant in their life why would you not be happy to meet both parents?

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:41

But I'm not judging them
I'm meeting them the same as if they were my child's teacher

Gooseybby · 03/12/2020 15:41

Um, i dont get it? Its irrelevant what you think of her, your ex will be dating who he dates regardless and presumably, your child will then have contact with this person. Assuming they arent on the pedo list.

I dont expect to meet my ex's partners in anything more than an incidental way. I introduced my DD to my new partner before i introduced him to my ex - HER opinion on him mattered, not my ex's Hmm he has met new DP incidentally; they were never 'introduced' and invited to vet each other or pass comment.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:42

[quote aSofaNearYou]@mrsplum2015 And what would you do if they said they didn't want to meet you?[/quote]

I'd be interested to know this too!
I know what my response would have been ....

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:43

I'm meeting them the same as if they were my child's teacher

Wtf?!

Your child's teacher has a professional obligation to your children. It's not even comparable!

What obligation do you think your ex's partner has to your kids??

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:47

My ex's new partner absolutely has an obligation to my kids if they are spending time together.

Just as I do to my partners daughter and I am answerable to both him and her mother while I'm responsible for her.

And repeatedly I have said I'm not vetting or checking just meeting. Same as with a teacher, I'm not going to say my kid needs to change class after meeting their teacher once even if we don't warm to each other immediately! I have to say though that I generally don't ever dislike anyone and I'm an open friendly person hence me not even thinking there's anything weird about wanting to meet someone

Stantons · 03/12/2020 15:47

@mrsplum2015 you being adamant alone would have made me say no. What would you have done then?

I was in this very situation 4 years ago. His ex said he couldn't see the kids with me until she met me. I said no and OH put his foot down and because she carried on being an idiot he didnt see the kids for 6 weeks. If he had gone to court a judge would not have looked kindly on her

Stantons · 03/12/2020 15:49

@mrsplum2015 I have absolutely no obligation what so ever to OHs kids, none. I am not responsible for them and I most certainly won't be told what to do by the woman that gave birth to them

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:50

Why would my ex not see the kids because they weren't meeting his girlfriend?
I can't even see how that would occur.

JorisBonson · 03/12/2020 15:50

6 months?? I've had pairs of tights longer!

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:51

Do you have birth children statons?

I can't imagine taking this attitude with any child I have the privelige to be involved with

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 15:51

@mrsplum2015

I'll put it bluntly. I have no need or inclination to meet my partner's ex. I don't have any particular desire to devote headspace to my partner's former relationships and I don't feel the need to seek approval from said person.

My life doesn't revolve around my partner's kids in a way that compels me to accept doing things I don't personally want to do just to reassure their mum, who is nothing to me. To welcome that person into my life and take time out of my day to day life for them would be a favour to them that I get nothing from and don't deem necessary, so I certainly wouldn't be keen to do it for someone that was "adamant", rather than asking nicely and acknowlegding that I'm perfectly free to say no.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 15:51

My ex's new partner absolutely has an obligation to my kids if they are spending time together.

Nope. I have no obligation to my partner's kids whatsoever - they aren't mine. My partner is the only one who has any obligation to them.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.