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Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:
mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:21

Well I'm just lucky my ex's girlfriend respected mine and his way of doing things and agreed to meet me as it was lovely

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 16:22

@mrsplum2015

And to gretnacastle perhaps you've taken it for granted then that you know who the person is.

I don't need to meet her regularly just say hi im x who are you

Nope. Nothing to do with that.

Its simply none of my business who he dates (he saw a couple of others first)

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:22

Sorry not sure if this was obvious it was the answer to if they say no question

Well that's up to my ex but we have quite a shared understanding about this kind of thing

Stantons · 03/12/2020 16:23

@mrsplum2015 what would you have done if she said no?

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:23

And no I don't care who my ex dates unless they're in my kids lives, when I care because they are a figure in their lives, not because they're my ex's new girlfriend

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:24

Stanton

Well that's up to my ex but we have quite a shared understanding about this kind of thing

Stantons · 03/12/2020 16:25

@mrsplum2015 that doesn't really answer the question. My OHs ex solution was to say he wasn't allowed to see the kids until she met me, she didn't like it when he called her bluff

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:27

Well my ex didn't even want me to tell my kids I was dating and I respected his wishes so vice versa

We have fairly equal custody so plenty of free time to have relationships without involving the kids if it's not appropriate

Looneytune253 · 03/12/2020 16:28

Are you going to make sure you introduce future boyfriends to your ex before they come to your home etc? I just don't think it's feasible! It's none of your business who he sees at the moment and he is free to make his own decisions on partners and whether they are suitable to meet the children or not. I do think you would need to have a decent civil relationship with any serious ones tho (eventually) but I think you've shot yourself in the foot here by contacting her directly and asking her not to see your children until you have vetted her (that's basically what you've said)

Apologise to her and your ex and tell them you'll butt out but would love to have a good relationship with them both for the sake of the children so you look forward to getting together sometime later down the line. No pressure

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 16:28

[quote aSofaNearYou]@mrsplum2015

I'll put it bluntly. I have no need or inclination to meet my partner's ex. I don't have any particular desire to devote headspace to my partner's former relationships and I don't feel the need to seek approval from said person.

My life doesn't revolve around my partner's kids in a way that compels me to accept doing things I don't personally want to do just to reassure their mum, who is nothing to me. To welcome that person into my life and take time out of my day to day life for them would be a favour to them that I get nothing from and don't deem necessary, so I certainly wouldn't be keen to do it for someone that was "adamant", rather than asking nicely and acknowlegding that I'm perfectly free to say no.[/quote]
Absolutely agree with this. And would add that I don't believe there is any genuine reason for a parent to want to meet their ex's new partner except out of sheer curiosity and to mark territory in some way by making your presence felt. It is also used as a delaying tactic for those who don't like the thought of another woman being with their children.

No parent insists on meeting everybody who will be around their kids under normal circumstances - this is just a line trotted out when it comes to new girlfriends. No one would demand to meet all of their ex's friends who they see regularly when they have the children. Or when kids go round their friends' houses for playdates I bet nobody demands to meet both parents before accepting. You just accept that the parent you already know is responsible enough to keep your child safe during the time they're together - that should be the case here too.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:28

And luckily my ex would never be like that
His kids would always come before a new partner, same for me.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:29

@mrsplum2015

Stanton

Well that's up to my ex but we have quite a shared understanding about this kind of thing

Yes - you and your EX might have a "shared understanding" that demanding to meet the new partner is hunky dory. That's all well and good. But the new partner is a person in her own right, is she not? So IF she were to say no I'm not meeting your ex wife thanks (as I would have done, as is a perfectly acceptable response) - then what?

You are disregarding that the new partner has any right or say whatsoever when you repeat the line "me and ex have an understanding". That understanding becomes irrelevant when a new person has entirely different views or wishes.

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:31

Bibidy do you have birth children as i definitely meet anyone in my kids lives who have more than incidental contact.

And my ex and I were married for nearly 20 years so we know most people in each other's lives, it's not a drama, it's just a social circle.

Perhaps if people split up when their kids are a lot younger things are different

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:33

Well no because if she wants to be in the lives of our kids she is subject to the wishes of their parents

But I'm lucky because she gets that as she has her own children and understands the responsibility

Like I say if they want to have a relationship they doesn't involve the kids there is plenty of time to do so and that's absolutely none of my business

BillMasen · 03/12/2020 16:35

MrsPlum I’m going to end up channeling Jeremy Paxman here and ask the question again as you’ve not answered it

What would you do if you were told no?

You’re squirming around avoiding answering it

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 16:39

I wouldn't do anything. What could I do

But I think my ex wouldn't introduce anyone unless I felt comfortable as we respect each other as coparents

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:40

@mrsplum2015

Well no because if she wants to be in the lives of our kids she is subject to the wishes of their parents

But I'm lucky because she gets that as she has her own children and understands the responsibility

Like I say if they want to have a relationship they doesn't involve the kids there is plenty of time to do so and that's absolutely none of my business

"Subject" to your wishes?!
Where do you draw the line with this particular belief?

If my teen daughter's step mum wanted to take her shopping for clothes I didn't feel were quite right for her, for example... or if she wanted to take her to a restaurant that I felt she wouldn't enjoy - am I going to put a stop to every activity because she is "answerable" to me?? Subject to "my wishes"?

My ex partner would rightly tell me to wind my neck as it would be HIM making a parenting judgement in this case, not me. He isn't going to allow me to stand over and micro manage every little decision made about what happens when my daughter is in their care, because step mum is "subject to my wishes"?!

I can't even comprehend being that entitled.
I've heard it all. I'm out.....

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:44

I'm just trying to imagine the scenario at her dad's house ...

Stepmum: "ooh shall we all go for tea at Nando's tonight??"

Daughter-"yay yes please!"

Dad: "erm... has anyone consulted Lou? Better check what her wishes are first, since we are all subject to them....."

At least you've given me a much needed laugh😂

BillMasen · 03/12/2020 16:46

@mrsplum2015

I wouldn't do anything. What could I do

But I think my ex wouldn't introduce anyone unless I felt comfortable as we respect each other as coparents

Thank you, and sorry to be persistent but I feared your only response might be to prevent her spending time with your children, and then withdraw access from their father.

I hope you realise you can’t be adamant about something you can’t control and would, ultimately, not fo anything sbout

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 16:51

@mrsplum2015 as you are separated you no longer have the luxury of automatically being able to meet everyone in your child's life. You are lucky in that your ex happens to take the same stance as you, but if he did not, you would have no right or power to demand you meet anyone he introduces the kids to, nor should you. He has the power to not date someone that doesn't want to meet you, of course, but neither of you have or should expect to have the power to force any third party to meet you because it's what you both want.

You are fundamentally being quite naive and arrogant by viewing your ex's partners as "answerable to you" if they "want" the "privelege" of being around your kids. First of all, I don't "want the privilege" of helping my partner look after his kid, I do it as a favour to him. At best I am answerable to him as the parent enlisting my help, but equally I am well within my rights to say "I'm not doing that." You need to stop viewing caring for your kids as some sort of highly coveted gift you are giving someone.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 16:55

You need to stop viewing caring for your kids as some sort of highly coveted gift you are giving someone.

Yes, you do.

It might surprise you to realise that many "step mums" don't actually want an active role in parenting their partner's kids anyway. They leave it to the Dad. So he can be "answerable" to you all day long if that fits with your "understanding". But his partner owes you nothing.

TeaOneSugar · 03/12/2020 16:57

My EXH's current gf embraced me the first time we met Hmm

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 17:03

My husbands daughter went on a sleepover with a new friend she made at school this year whilst at her mums.

Neither of us even know where they live and have never met them. Not the child. Either parent, or the siblings. Hell we haven’t even run background checks on the cat or the dog they apparently have.

It’s on her shift so NONE of our business. We have to trust his ex not to be ending the child to stay with a weirdo.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 17:10

You cannot "agree" that you will meet each others partner's when you split, because those partner's will be people in their own right and you don't get to decide whether they want to meet you. You see parents "agreeing" that all the time on here and I think it's highly arrogant. I'm a step mum and I'd have said no.

This is the point I was trying to make earlier. Any "agreement" between two adults that affects a third adult, made in the absence of said third adult, becomes null and void when third adult becomes involved. Because they are a person with their own views too.

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 17:16

Exactly @LouJ85

It is beyond me that anyone can be so self absorbed that they cannot see the inherent lack of logic in saying they and their ex "agreed" on a meeting with a third adult.

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