Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

[weezybob]

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

Loads of us step parents haven’t ever officially met our partner/spouse’s ex and manage to have perfectly fine relationships with our step children.

Op, it’s fine to want to meet her. What’s wrong is you’re refusing to do so.

As others said, you don’t need to meet her, and it’s not your place to dictate like this. But you did. And they agreed. Now you have to actually do it. Not refuse to do so.

And if you can’t bring yourself to do it, then you need to say to them it’s fine, go ahead and see your son.

What you can’t do is say she can’t see him till you meet her then actually refuse to meet her. You decided you wanted this. Now you need to do it.

Meeting each other's partner, or at least having the opportunity to, was an agreement that we both made when we split.

I have always just thought that that was the 'norm' thing to do when this happens.

I hope from this thread you have realised that it isn't the norm and you don't need to stress yourself about meeting someone you don't need to meet.

It sounds like you aren't over the split, please realise that you now parent separately and your child's father will make decisions for his LO when they are in his care and you will have no control over that.

Whilst your concern for your child is understandable, you've put yourself in an awkward position here. You don't need to meet this woman.
The child is parented by his Dad, not his Dad's girlfriend. Yes, she will have an impact, but you should be directing your contact to Dad.
I mean this kindly, but it is something you need to take a step back from. You can't control what happens outside your time with your child and to try to will cause heartache all round.
I never once had a special meeting with my DH's ex. We've always been pleasant and polite to each other and there's no animosity.

@weezybob

It's not that I'm trying to dictate to he can do, but then there's children involved it's a different story- IMO anyway.

I am just fixated that I should speak to her, but in all honesty I wouldn't know what to say?

The co parenting is going fine at this moment in time, but as I said I'd like to know who is bringing up my son when he's not with me.

Why does this seem so wrong?

You know who is 'bringing him up' when you're not there. His Dad.

He didn't 'go behind your back' taking your DS to meet her, he didn't need your permission, just as you don't need hus to meet your friends or a new bloke.

If you don't trust him to look after your DS then do something about that, if you do then stop acting like it's in any way your business what he does

You don't need to meet her at all. Just tell your Ex that there's no need to meet as you're sure he's got DS's best interests at heart & will make sure DS is happy when he's with him.

Stepmum here. I understand it must feel weird but you have no choice but to trust your ex as the dad of your child to make his own parenting decisions. It’s not normal for you to be able to have some sort of vetting meeting with his new girlfriend. What do you expect to happen if you don’t like her?

I am just fixated that I should speak to her, but in all honesty I wouldn't know what to say?

You want to scream I AM THE MOTHER AND NOT YOU.

I get this, but it really isn't necessary to have this meeting.

I think you’re being a bit unfair saying your child can’t see her until you’ve met, and then refusing to meet. That looks manipulative and controlling (looks, not ascribing those motivations). If you did this to me I’d think you were being difficult and ignore your wishes.

If you want to meet her, fine, do it. I don’t think you need to do any more than be civil if your paths cross, and you certainly can’t control what your ex does with their own child. I presume you wouldn’t accept them controlling your parenting decisions.

I know it’s hard, and sorry if this sounds a bit harsh.

@weezybob

Meeting each other's partner, or at least having the opportunity to, was an agreement that we both made when we split.

I have always just thought that that was the 'norm' thing to do when this happens.

No it isn't the norm. It could be deemed intrusive, having to parade your new B/GF in front of your ex.

I’ve never met my DP’s ExW nor have I met my ExDP’s current wife. All DC involved are fine and the situation suits us all. As long the DC are being treated well, you don’t need to involve yourself with the Exes. It’s a bit controlling.

I'm quite surprised by the amount of people telling me it isn't normal to have to do so. I suppose I've got some sort of fairy tale in my head that that's the way it does down all you all live happily ever after and all that tosh.

It has become apparent that if I actually have nothing to say to her in particular then I don't actually have to meet her.

Thanks for the advice, I didn't realise I was coming across so controlling, but when I feel like I'm in the right, then I tend to run with it.

Sorry for any offence caused- as I said it really wasn't the intention!

@weezybob

Meeting each other's partner, or at least having the opportunity to, was an agreement that we both made when we split.

I have always just thought that that was the 'norm' thing to do when this happens.

Then you need to do it. You can’t refuse and refuse her to see your son too

You cannot "agree" that you will meet each others partner's when you split, because those partner's will be people in their own right and you don't get to decide whether they want to meet you. You see parents "agreeing" that all the time on here and I think it's highly arrogant. I'm a step mum and I'd have said no.

It sounds like both you and your ex have been quite unfair to her - you by sending her angry messages that should have been sent to your ex, and him by giving you her number and allowing that. But as others have said, it is highly unreasonable of you to expect an amicable relationship with her when you started off by speaking to her in that manner. You have made that unlikely and I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want a positive relationship with you.

If you don't actually want to speak to her, then just stop insisting you need to.

I'm not refusing at all. I said that I'd rather do it just me and her, without the feeling ex around.

But after this, it does feel like a bit of an eye opener that I do have no choice to but trust the ex's judgment. As long as my son is happy then that's the main thing.

I get it OP. I really do.

I always found it strange when people said it was none of my business because it is my bloody business who my child is hanging out with.

I couldn't get my head round why a sane man would even want to introduce a child to someone who has been seeing someone for a few months. Double standards in my opinion. Mumsnet is full of threads tell women that they are irresponsible for introducing a new man into a child's life quickly, an opinion I share... but its okay for a man to do the exact same thing ? Why? Because he is a man ?

It is harmful to a child to have mummy and daddy's bring new partners into the dynamics and it needs to be done in the right way.

However, as mentioned, he can do what the fuck he likes... because he is a man.

You’re glossing over the fact that you phoned her up to have a go at her and that’s been her sole contact from you. Why would she want to put herself out for more of that? She’s an adult, you’re just her boyfriend’s ex, you have no right to tell her off. Your ex is a pillock for letting you contact her, I’d be raging if my husband had ever done that. Being the mother of my step children doesn’t mean she’s anything to me.

You really need to take a big step back, focus on your own life, your own relationships, and leave your ex and his partner to live their lives.

And Sofa is absolutely right. This woman is a person with her own life and opinions, not an extension of your ex. Anyone you date will be the same. You’d be making a mistake if you committed to anything on his behalf in advance of evening meeting him.

It isn't advised on MN for men or women to introduce the DC to very new BF/GFs, but it can't be controlled by the ex.

@MissDoLots

I get it OP. I really do.

I always found it strange when people said it was none of my business because it is my bloody business who my child is hanging out with.

I couldn't get my head round why a sane man would even want to introduce a child to someone who has been seeing someone for a few months. Double standards in my opinion. Mumsnet is full of threads tell women that they are irresponsible for introducing a new man into a child's life quickly, an opinion I share... but its okay for a man to do the exact same thing ? Why? Because he is a man ?

It is harmful to a child to have mummy and daddy's bring new partners into the dynamics and it needs to be done in the right way.

However, as mentioned, he can do what the fuck he likes... because he is a man.

Thanks for reinforcing this, I do feel like it is my business in some ways, maybe I just haven't gone about it the right way.

Either I will have to shut up and put up, or bite the bullet and meet her.

If I was you, now that you have said you want to meet her first, i would suggest the 2 of you just meet for coffee and you just say you want to clear the air after your last call, it took you by surprise, you hadn't expected LO to meet new partners quite so soon and you may have over-reacted, you trust ex to put LO first and its important to you that you can all try and get on for the LOs sake. I'm sure she will be glad of the olive branch and it will make your life easier going forward and is far better for your child regardless of what you really think f any of them

@Bluntness100

Op, it’s fine to want to meet her. What’s wrong is you’re refusing to do so.

As others said, you don’t need to meet her, and it’s not your place to dictate like this. But you did. And they agreed. Now you have to actually do it. Not refuse to do so.

And if you can’t bring yourself to do it, then you need to say to them it’s fine, go ahead and see your son.

What you can’t do is say she can’t see him till you meet her then actually refuse to meet her. You decided you wanted this. Now you need to do it.

This.

And honestly it was very big of her to oblige you. If my partner's ex contacted ME instead of her child's father and reprimanded me and made demands to me I would think she was unhinged.

Mumsnet is full of threads tell women that they are irresponsible for introducing a new man into a child's life quickly, an opinion I share... but its okay for a man to do the exact same thing ? Why? Because he is a man ? It is harmful to a child to have mummy and daddy's bring new partners into the dynamics and it needs to be done in the right way. However, as mentioned, he can do what the fuck he likes... because he is a man.

Nobody thinks it is fine for a man to introduce children to partners but not women, people are pretty unanimous on the fact that it's better for all parents to wait until things are firmly established.

People are just saying that meeting up with her won't make any difference unless she plans to withhold contact if she doesn't like her, and isn't her place to demand of another human being regardless. It is also highly inappropriate of OP to ring her up and give her a telling off, so she is already on the back foot in terms of being reasonable.

It's willful misunderstanding to assume everyone here thinks it was a great idea for him to introduce them quickly.

I've never met my husbands ex. I look after DSS on my own sometimes, take him to school etc.

I don't need to meet her. If my husband thinks I am capable of looking after his son, then I am.

The same as my husband didn't meet his ex's new partner before he moved in. Not his business or decision who his ex decides to live with.