Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

[weezybob]

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

@asofanearyou I think @mrsplum2015 was suggesting that her ex would maybe end a relationship with someone who said no?

It is beyond me that anyone can be so self absorbed that they cannot see the inherent lack of logic in saying they and their ex "agreed" on a meeting with a third adult.

It's beyond me too.

And also this "answerable to" / "subject to the wishes of" business has really grated on me! What utter narcissistic, patronising bollocks. I can only imagine my DD's stepmum's response (or indeed mine had this come from DP's ex), if I'd dared suggest she was answerable to me simply by virtue of being in the presence of my precious child. Dear God.

@Stantons I'm guessing that's what she means too, but it's all the language about being "answerable" to her that shows she clearly does expect that authority herself. Not to mention it's just astounding how long it takes some posters to compute, even when prompted multiple times, that they would even need to consider whether the step mum is up for meeting, usually due to "agreements" between them and their ex. It so often seems like it hadn't even occurred to them that the step parent might have a view, because they are so deep in the mentality of the only thing that matters being them and their kids.

It so often seems like it hadn't even occurred to them that the step parent might have a view, because they are so deep in the mentality of the only thing that matters being them and their kids.

Exactly. It's as though Dad's new partner is merely incidental - just an extension of the situation between the parents and their precious offspring. Not an actual human person with their own views. Of course they will just fall in line with any pre made "agreements". How dare they question it? 🙄

@mrsplum2015

And luckily my ex would never be like that His kids would always come before a new partner, same for me.

But it's not about the kids is it lets be honest. It's about you. You want to meet her. It likely won't make any difference to your kids as long as their dad is trustworthy to not being someone inappropriate around them.

My step children get on with me perfectly well, we have a great relationship and I was never once forced into some fake 'meeting' with their mother. We have met now, naturally over the years, but it was detrimental to the children because she wasn't adamant that she said 'hi, I'm x who are you?' before I met them.

This is about you deep down imo and wanting to remain in control when your ex has the children and vice versa.

To not bring someone*

It wasn't detrimental*

Must proof read.

And luckily my ex would never be like that
His kids would always come before a new partner, same for me.

Another line that grates on me.

My partner is of equal importance to me as my daughter; and he would say the same about me and his kids. It's not a competition- it's two entirely different types of relationship of equal importance. People who continually put their partner's needs at the bottom of their priority list end up single. If you want the world to revolve 100% around your kids - be single and crack on. It isn't fair on another adult who is investing time and emotional energy into a relationship to be repeatedly bottom of the pile.

Well no because if she wants to be in the lives of our kids she is subject to the wishes of their parents

Very much doubt her primary goal is to be in the lives of your kids. She wants to be in a relationship with her partner, who happens to have kids.

She already has the blessing of their father anyway so her being around them is 'subject to his wishes'.

@LouJ85

*And luckily my ex would never be like that His kids would always come before a new partner, same for me.*

Another line that grates on me.

My partner is of equal importance to me as my daughter; and he would say the same about me and his kids. It's not a competition- it's two entirely different types of relationship of equal importance. People who continually put their partner's needs at the bottom of their priority list end up single. If you want the world to revolve 100% around your kids - be single and crack on. It isn't fair on another adult who is investing time and emotional energy into a relationship to be repeatedly bottom of the pile.

Agreed, not sure why anyone would agree to be in a relationship where their 'partner' makes it pretty clear they are at the back of the line from day one.

Same as in the first relationship with the kids' other parent, adult relationships should have equal importance.

Subject to the wishes of their parents?

No. There is only one parent who can decide whether or not they are around the kids. And it's the one they are in a relationship with.

Sure that's up to individual adults if they take the stance they don't like how my ex and I coparent and they are perfectly entitled to enter into relationships with us and our kids or not.

Neither of us would introduce a partner to our kids who saw being with our them as a favour or who didn't understand the coparenting relationship.

Like I said I am answerable to my partners daughters mother. Not over every decision of every minute like what gift I buy her or what I give her for dinner but should something happen to her in my care or she is harmed by my actions.

Neither of us would introduce a partner to our kids who saw being with our them as a favour

How do you want them to see it? It sounds like your expectations of a partner are to feel exactly the same about your kids as you and your ex do. Completely unrealistic.

I just don't know what it is you expect to actually get from a quick meeting? It won't mean you suddenly trust them with your kids. I mean worst case scenario and they are actually some wicked step mother type, they aren't going to show that to you during your 'quick chat'.

The only thing I can think of when I see these sorts of threads is you just want your presence to be known as 'the mum' and parade it around in front of the new girlfriend to intimidate 🤷

And I don't know why my situation is causing such an uproar as it's perfectly amicable in real life. No problems between anyone, no awkwardness, kids feel comfortable with both parents and their partners and can openly talk about them knowing everybody is amicable and open.

I never said everyone should conduct their lives this way but that's how my ex and I choose to parent and it works for us. And yes for us the dc do come first over partners, that won't be forever as they grow older but at this stage their needs come first. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship where the new partner doesn't have any significant input with the kids and that is equally valid if the new partner doesnt want to be involved in the way we do things.

*Agreed, not sure why anyone would agree to be in a relationship where their 'partner' makes it pretty clear they are at the back of the line from day one.

Same as in the first relationship with the kids' other parent, adult relationships should have equal importance.*

@Bibidy I certainly wouldn't have stuck around on this basis, that's for sure! I don't understand how any self respecting adult does, to be honest. And I completely agree - even in 'first' relationships/families, couples who continually put their own needs at the bottom of the pile end up divorced. A relationship - whether kids are involved or not - needs time and nurturing.

I trust my ex to make the decision about who to trust in the kids lives.

I am not meeting to vet anyone I've said that multiple times

It's just a hello how are you, I'd like to meet you as a potentially key person in the lives of my kids so I know who you are when they talk about you. End of.

And yes we did get on, exchanged numbers, she gave me some advice on how to handle something with one of my kids and we talked about general shit that mums do when they go for coffee.

I had a quick chat with the guy at the Tesco checkout earlier.

Doesn't mean I know him now and would trust him to be around my kids anymore than I would have done beforehand. The person you need to be trusting is their parent. They are the ones who actually know the girlfriend/boyfriend.

People pretend it's 'about the kids' and it's not in my opinion, it's about wanting to muscle in and still be involved in your exes life. You can ask by all means but to be adamant or demand is controlling to me.

And I don't know why my situation is causing such an uproar

I'll hazard a guess that it's because you're insisting other women should be "answerable" to you just because they share the same space as your kids, when they already have their other parent's blessing to do so. You're "adamant" you will meet them, with no regard for their feelings at all on the matter. It is coming across as entitled and controlling.

It's just a hello how are you, I'd like to meet you as a potentially key person in the lives of my kids so I know who you are when they talk about you. End of

So without meeting her you would have been like 'who on earth are you talking about?' when your kids mentioned her?

All it does is mean you know what her face looks like, you don't know her anymore than you did before hand from a quick meeting and a hello how are you.

Well no because if she wants to be in the lives of our kids she is subject to the wishes of their parents
That’s an odd thing to say. I obviously don’t know you’re kids step mum but I find it hard to believe she wants to be in your kids lives in the way you seem to have stated (although I may have picked it up wrongly!).
I don’t know what word you’d use for a person who chose step children first then decided if they could deal with the parent as a partner, but it wouldn’t be a flattering one. It just doesn’t work like that. The children are entirely coincidental to the adult relationship IMO.
I was mildly offended when DSDs mum felt she had to give me a lecture on not wiping her child’s bum, bathing her, co sleeping with her blah blah blah. Why on earth would any normal person want to do those things for someone else’s child?
I had no intention of “being in her life” to that degree. DH is the parent, I am fun time frankie who shows up with tubs of glitter and tickets to the zoo occasionally and things like that. I really didn’t need the lecture.

I don’t know what word you’d use for a person who chose step children first then decided if they could deal with the parent as a partner, but it wouldn’t be a flattering one. It just doesn’t work like that. The children are entirely coincidental to the adult relationship IMO.

Absolutely. You choose your partner - that's the part you "want". The kids just happen to be a part of that. You don't "want" to be in someone else's kids' life first and foremost - you accept it as part of the deal.

I mean, there might be some women who are desperate to mother someone else's kids and see this as their primary life goal, but I haven't met any of them!

I met my ex hs new partner. It was before i was ready but he was really pushing forward with it and i was accused of holding things up. I called his bluff in the end and agreed to it as long as he wasn't there. He didn't like that. I have to be honest it was the best thing i ever did. I saw she was human and kind but also nothing to fear. And i also i felt much happier when she could see i was human and not a monster that perhaps i had been made out to be. Woman to woman face to face without him losing things in translation helped. And it got him off my case and we all moved forwards. Never done it since and don't plan to. We aren't friends but it did ease things somehow at the time. I went into it shaking and terrified and hugged her at the end. And then cried with relief after x not for everyone and wouldn't have done it without pressure but worked for us x

I was friendly and polite when I met my husband’s ex wife, but we certainly didn’t have any formal meetings or discussions., and when I met his child was dictated solely by my husband. His ex could hardly say anything- she’s moved in with someone else within weeks of them splitting up and had married the other guy within weeks of the divorce being through.

It’s all very well saying you want to know exactly who is in your child’s life, but you lose control of that when a relationship ends and a child has two legal parents/guardians.

Exactly the same as shehadsomiuchpotential

And why people are projecting things onto me I have no idea? I'm not trying to make a judgement on her or lecture her about how to manage a relationship with my children. There were no conversations about please do or don't anything.. or I have to be involved in x or please check about y.

It was hi how are you, I value you as someone in the lives of my kids.