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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 02/12/2020 10:20

Why are you insisting on meeting her if you don’t want to meet her?...

tinydancer88 · 02/12/2020 10:24

I think it was a bit unfair of you to have the discussion with the new partner that you should have had with your ex regarding being unhappy about how and when introductions with your child were made.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:26

For my lo's sake.

I feel like I should meet the woman who will essentially stepping us a step parent.

I would much rather be on good terms with both of them rather than having all this animosity, which is what it is at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:28

Tinydancer...

I had it with both of them. He gave me her number and told me to speak to her, to which I did.

I understand it's his fault over hers, but they both agreed to go ahead and do it anyway.

OP posts:

Harmarsuperstar · 02/12/2020 10:31

I never met my ex's new partner because I knew i wouldn't have been able to not become upset and/or angry with her. I just didn't want to put myself through it, and didn't think it was fair on her (they got together after we split)
So I just had to trust that she was a reasonable person, which she did turn out to be, and ds liked her.
What will you do if you don't like her BTW? Stop your dc from going to his dad's? If not, what's the point in meeting her anyway?

Harmarsuperstar · 02/12/2020 10:31

You can be on good terms without meeting her though. Just hi/bye as necessary.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 02/12/2020 10:32

I have no interest in meeting my ex's partner- what he does and who he does it with is not my business. There doesn't need to be animosity, a civil greeting at handover is sufficient. I'm not sure you meeting with her is going to achieve anything as either you are going to try to make friends with her which is a bit much at this point, or give her a set of rules which is inappropriate.

Sprig1 · 02/12/2020 10:33

I don't really see why you need to meet her. I assume that you will bump in to her at some point. Why not just be polite when that happens but no need for you two to have a relationship.

Candyfloss99 · 02/12/2020 10:33

There is absolutely no need to meet her. What your ex does is none of your business anymore. You need to let go.

onlyk · 02/12/2020 10:33

Why are you meeting her?

From what you say she’s not just ex’s new girlfriend but actually OW. I don’t think after just 6 months I’d be able to meet her.

Your ex may need to discuss anything to do with your child with you however this does not need to involve any new girlfriend.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:34

Harmarsuperstar...

I would never stop him going to see his dad without an actual reason.

Not liking her wouldn't be ideal, buts it's most certainly a possibility.

I've not had to do this before, and I just thought it would be better to sort of 'know' each other and be civil.

I always had it in my head that you should meet the people who will be bringing your kid(s) when you're not there.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2020 10:34

You don’t need to meet her, it won’t benefit any of you
You just need there to be no animosity between you (or not obviously anyway) that’s all

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/12/2020 10:35

You’ve cornered yourself into this. I suggest you meet her by yourself, not with your ex, in a public place with your child so you both are forced to keep things civil. Maybe the park on the way to / from school - keep it short.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 10:37

You can’t do this. You asked her not to see him again till you met her. Fair enough and she said yes, you then can’t refuse to meet her.

So you either tell them to go ahead and see your son together or you meet her pretty sharpish.

Ultimately he is right, you have no right to dictate what he does on his time, you are both your child’s parents and he has equal say

But what you’re doing now is out of line.

Candyfloss99 · 02/12/2020 10:37

Nope you don't need to meet her. Your ex has met her and deems her appropriate, that is all you need to know. There is no point meeting her when you will have absolutely no control over her or what she is like with your child.

Harmarsuperstar · 02/12/2020 10:40

@weezybob

Harmarsuperstar...

I would never stop him going to see his dad without an actual reason.

Not liking her wouldn't be ideal, buts it's most certainly a possibility.

I've not had to do this before, and I just thought it would be better to sort of 'know' each other and be civil.

I always had it in my head that you should meet the people who will be bringing your kid(s) when you're not there.

I suppose I probably thought the same, but I just knew I wouldn't be able to do it in reality. Don't force yourself to do something so hard, especially if she was the OW. Unless you're seriously concerned about her not being a good influence or something? Will she actually be a stepmother, or just dad's girlfriend? You'll always be your dc's mum

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:41

It's not that I'm trying to dictate to he can do, but then there's children involved it's a different story- IMO anyway.

I am just fixated that I should speak to her, but in all honesty I wouldn't know what to say?

The co parenting is going fine at this moment in time, but as I said I'd like to know who is bringing up my son when he's not with me.

Why does this seem so wrong?

OP posts:

Dollyparton3 · 02/12/2020 10:43

I think referring to her as "stepping up as a step parent" is a bit extreme and pretty disrespectful to all the step parents on this area of the forum. She's "dad's girlfriend" at the moment, nowhere near the blood sweat and tears that the rest of us put in.

On that basis I think it's none of your business who your ex introduces your lo to at this stage. And even if you don't like her there's naff all you can do. If there was a safeguarding issue that would be different but this just sounds petty and controlling on your part.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:45

@Dollyparton3

I don't see how it's in any disrespectful, and in no way is it intended to be?

If they're serious, which he assures me they are, then that will be the case in the future.

OP posts:

Candyfloss99 · 02/12/2020 10:46

Why are you thinking it will be her bringing up your son? What is wrong with his father? She may very well have no interest in wanting to be a step parent. At the end of the day you really have nothing to do with her so it is pointless meeting. Will your ex have to vet any new partner you get??

Dollyparton3 · 02/12/2020 10:47

Yes but 6 months into a relationship? I didn't get involved in any way until we moved in together 3 years down the line and even then I didn't consider myself a step mum until we married 2 years later.

Candyfloss99 · 02/12/2020 10:47

Also why do you need to meet her if you have absolutely no idea what you will say to her? Makes the whole thing pointless if you don't even have anything to ask her.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:47

@Candyfloss99

Dad will be there too obviously.

I would expect him to want to meet him, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to know the person who will be around your child.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 10:48

You don’t have to meet her. She doesn’t have to meet you. Your hopes of an amicable relationship when your first contact was telling her off are highly unreasonable. When your child is with their father it’s up to him who he spends time with. You’re obviously still upset about the split and creating drama with his partner isn’t going to help you move on.

FelicityPike · 02/12/2020 10:49

Dad didn’t introduce his girlfriend and her family behind your back. He was being a parent and making decisions for his child...unless it’s a safety issue then what he does with his child in his time is ABSOLUTELY NONE of your business.

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