Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

[weezybob]

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

Totally understand you wanting to meet a new GF who may spend some time with your son. But it really doesn’t need to be just the two of you. That’s weird and looks like you have an agenda.

Arrange a handover at a local cafe and all have a quick coffee together. Done.

She has no obligation to meet you. Why are you asking to meet her when you don't want to. What do you hope to achieve?

You also don't have the right to tell your OH who he can introduce her to unless there is a safe guarding issue

I am a step parent, who met LO about 3 months into the relationship, from then I was always in the car for pick up / drop off, one day out of the blue during drop off my partners ex demanded to meet me and waltzed over to the car, introduced herself and shook my hand and then after an awkward few seconds she left.
She was dolled up to the 9s, and all I took from the encounter was she was trying to show herself off/check me out.
I haven't seen nor spoke to her in the best part of 2 years since. It was all a little odd and served no real purpose.

What do you hope to gain from the meeting? Do you have any concerns about the new partner/your child's safety?

@MeridianB

Totally understand you wanting to meet a new GF who may spend some time with your son. But it really doesn’t need to be just the two of you. That’s weird and looks like you have an agenda.

Arrange a handover at a local cafe and all have a quick coffee together. Done.

I only suggested us 2 as I didn't want the ex making snide comments, as he does. I thought that would be the best way to just have a chat over coffee or something.

@EthelTheGoose

I am a step parent, who met LO about 3 months into the relationship, from then I was always in the car for pick up / drop off, one day out of the blue during drop off my partners ex demanded to meet me and waltzed over to the car, introduced herself and shook my hand and then after an awkward few seconds she left. She was dolled up to the 9s, and all I took from the encounter was she was trying to show herself off/check me out. I haven't seen nor spoke to her in the best part of 2 years since. It was all a little odd and served no real purpose.

What do you hope to gain from the meeting? Do you have any concerns about the new partner/your child's safety?

I have no concerns with safety at all, I just wanted to meet the person and have an actual meeting with her seeing as she's going to have an influence on my DCs upbringing.

As I said before, I'm not vetting, I don't see it as a competition or anything like that. I know it could go horribly wrong and we end up not liking each other, but seeing as I've put my cards on the table, then I need to follow it through.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

I don't feel comfortable with it

So, you were the one who insisted that you meet and that they should hold off doing things with your DS until then, they agreed and now you're "uncomfortable" with meeting up and seem to have been putting it off?

@SoupDragon

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

I don't feel comfortable with it

So, you were the one who insisted that you meet and that they should hold off doing things with your DS until then, they agreed and now you're "uncomfortable" with meeting up and seem to have been putting it off?

I've been putting it off as I didn't know what to say to her, which I see now hasn't really been fair of me to do so.

I've contacted her, time to bite the bullet now.

Sorry I'm probably projecting slightly as OHs ex did something very similar to me amongst other things.

I'm genuinely interested, what do you hope to get out if this? What if you don't like her? Won't that just make it harder?

Until you know what you want to say to her, it doesn't make sense to meet up. What does make sense is the ex not being there!

I suggest you make a few bullet points about your DC, especially anything your ex might forget, and stick to that. Also make a clear time slot for the meeting - short! - and stick to it. It's unlikely you'll ever be friends, although she's probably going to be pouring her heart out to you when he cheats on her. (Not your problem.)

Do make sure she understands that liaising with you over handovers is ex's job, not hers. And if he lazily pushes the responsibility onto her, you don't have to accept that. "I'll wait to hear from/discuss this with ex." could be a saved text to reach for. 😉

@Stantons

Sorry I'm probably projecting slightly as OHs ex did something very similar to me amongst other things.

I'm genuinely interested, what do you hope to get out if this? What if you don't like her? Won't that just make it harder?

Alll in all I want DC to be happy, and I'd like to feel comfortable knowing that I've met the person who will be around DC when he's with his dad.

If I don't like her or vice versa then I suppose it will be more awkward, I suppose I haven't really thought of that just yet. I guess I'm just hoping for a level of amicability with drop offs and things like that.

I suggest you make a few bullet points about your DC, especially anything your ex might forget, and stick to that

I would not take kindly to my partner's ex providing me with a list of parenting duties I am expected to do instead of my partner, especially if said ex had already stuck her boot in about my presence. That sounds like wife work, she may well choose to leave all the parenting to him and it wouldn't be good to go in presuming otherwise.

@NewlyGranny

Until you know what you want to say to her, it doesn't make sense to meet up. What does make sense is the ex not being there!

I suggest you make a few bullet points about your DC, especially anything your ex might forget, and stick to that. Also make a clear time slot for the meeting - short! - and stick to it. It's unlikely you'll ever be friends, although she's probably going to be pouring her heart out to you when he cheats on her. (Not your problem.)

Do make sure she understands that liaising with you over handovers is ex's job, not hers. And if he lazily pushes the responsibility onto her, you don't have to accept that. "I'll wait to hear from/discuss this with ex." could be a saved text to reach for. 😉

Thanks, I'll take that on board! I think just a quick drink will be enough to sorta break the ice. But I will be liaising with the ex over general parenting and what not.

You are being massively controlling.

I’ve never, in 10 years, “met” my kids step mother.

She and I go to the same events and can be polite but there’s no need for a big meeting.

What are you going to do? What’s the point of the big meeting?

What are you going to do if you don’t like her I mean.

Well, I think you can think yourself lucky that your ex has even agreed to not see his partner with your DC until you’ve met her.

If my ex told me that I couldn’t see my partner again until he had met him he would have been told in no uncertain terms to do one.

At the end of the day he’s in a relationship with someone, and that someone isn’t you. And how he parents his child while he is with him is none of your business, just as how you parent the child when he’s with you is none of his.

TBH I would just back off now and say that you realise that he is now in a relationship with this woman. Besides which, she’s already met your DS so what exactly is there to be achieved.

I’ve met my ex’s partner and he has met mine. But it’s all just happened naturally. All these staged meetings are never going to go well. There’s too much scope for awkwardness on both sides.

Are you sure she is going to be at or involved in pick up and drop offs OP?

I like you had a rose tinted view of things, thought I would be able to help out etc but because of the ex that isn't the case and other than civilities I have little to do with the kids

I met my ex husband 's wife before he introduced her to our kids, and they both met my husband before he met my kids.

My ex and I both agreed that we wanted/needed to meet any stranger that would be spending significant time with our kids.
It was not a requirement that we like or even approve of the new partner but we felt that the other parent had a right and even an obligation to be diligent in knowing anyone with whom the minor children spend time.
We both go to meet new teachers and coaches. Now that the teenager is stating to date, any boyfriend will have to meet both parents.
We all get along well , and our children are the only children in both households.
Neither of us had any kind of romantic feelings for the other and neither of us cheated on the other. The new partners had no reason to dislike or feel threatened in any way.

I think the fact that the adults all get on well together has allowed for the kids to make an easy transition. They know that mom and dad get along and are on the same page when it comes to the 2 of them.

I cannot imagine not being mature enough to spend time being properly introduced to any adult that will be interacting regularly with my minor children. For me , that kind of prior meeting is a part of being responsible parent. I do not permit my kids to do sleep overs if I have not met both parents (assuming that there are 2 parents in the household ) ; nor do I permit kids to sleep over in our home until their parents meet us. I would not hand my car over to a stranger for extended use, I certainly won't hand my children over without some introduction. Fortunately for me, my ex shared those same feelings.

In my situation it was the other way around.. my ex’s new partner wanted to meet me. In the end we had a slightly awkward coffee one handover, and it probably did ds good to see we could all be in the same room together without killing each other. I do think she can be an over stepper generally, but that’s another topic!
I think having asked to meet her, go, have a coffee, make it brief, and then take a step back. I took a while as well to get my head around the fact that how dad parents on his time is his choice, even if it’s not how I’d do things.

Now that the teenager is stating to date, any boyfriend will have to meet both parents. and what if the teenager has other ideas?

You really can’t make a teenager, who is presumably of the age of consent, introduce you to any BF/GF they become involved with. That’s a sure way to drive them away.

I was the new partner and the ex was like you. She insisted on meeting me before DSD did, but didn’t want to meet me. Two years in DH out his foot down and said “Yousee is meeting DD with or without your consent”.
So we met. She gave me a lecture about all the things I’m not permitted to to do with/for her DD. I smiled and nodded politely. I had and have zero intentions of taking on any “bringing up” of any child but my own. If made her feel better to feel she’d put me in my place. It was fine. We are on friendly/polite terms.

@Stantons

Are you sure she is going to be at or involved in pick up and drop offs OP?

I like you had a rose tinted view of things, thought I would be able to help out etc but because of the ex that isn't the case and other than civilities I have little to do with the kids

I don't know, I assume she will be as I think they are already doing that with her daughter.

@Youseethethingis

I was the new partner and the ex was like you. She insisted on meeting me before DSD did, but didn’t want to meet me. Two years in DH out his foot down and said “Yousee is meeting DD with or without your consent”. So we met. She gave me a lecture about all the things I’m not permitted to to do with/for her DD. I smiled and nodded politely. I had and have zero intentions of taking on any “bringing up” of any child but my own. If made her feel better to feel she’d put me in my place. It was fine. We are on friendly/polite terms.

She's a parent herself so it's not that I have any concerns on that side, and when I said I'd like to meet her she was absolutely fine with it as she said she was in a similar situation with her daughters dad.

It's just going to be a chit chat more often than anything I imagine, more like an actual introduction.

I've been here. All I would say is, smile, engage the face and be pleasant. You don't have to be her best friend. Just make it nice for your lo.

Be the bigger person, and pick your battles.

On the plus side to all of this - it sounds like you and the gf are able to have a perfectly pleasant and reasonable chat. As she has kids too she probably understands only too well how you feel right now - her own kids will be in this position at some point and maybe already have been.
I actually get on pretty well with my DH's ex wife, we're not friends, but will chat if we bump into each other. She only lives a few miles away. It does make it easier for the kids (and everyone) if you can communicate well.
Hope it all goes smoothly for you.

@BeenThereDoneThat3
Both girls understand the expectations related to dating. To date , we have not had any problems with them. The time may come when the object or rebel. We have a pretty open relationship with them. If it becomes a problem, we will have to deal with the problem if or when it arises. Both girls have exercised good judgment and have a good circle of friends. However, I know that things with teenage girls can change and I do not expect that they will always comply with our expectations. Knock on wood, we have been fortunate so far.
They do not hesitate to let us know how they feel about things, and we try to keep the door open for sharing .