Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

251 replies

weezybob · 02/12/2020 10:18

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back.

I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged.

Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished.

I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her.

There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 02/12/2020 14:37

Your ex is the parent. How involved is she in contact with your DC after 6 months? I'm not sure why she asked you to go through her in future. Your relationship is with your ex as a co-parent. Not her.

I'd be shocked if my BF's ex wanted to speak to me on the phone. But I'd be fine to have a quick chat in person if I was involved in the drop off/pick up. I would not get in between her and my BF though as his child is his responsibility.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 15:24

@Seriously79

I've been here. All I would say is, smile, engage the face and be pleasant. You don't have to be her best friend. Just make it nice for your lo.

Be the bigger person, and pick your battles.

I'll try, thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 15:26

@Notcoolmum

I think they have held off since the initial meeting but from how eager my ex is, then it sounds as though he'll be spending his weekends with her and the LO after this meet and greet.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 15:26

What does be the bigger person mean in this context? The DP hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s OP making demands, the DP is the bigger person for tolerating it.

Amanda87 · 02/12/2020 15:36

Your ex husband is being a dick! You don't have to meet her.
In the end of the day it's all about the kids and bla bla bla, but there's no need you'd have to go through this if you're not comfortable with it. As long as your kid is being treated good and is safe and respected, the new partner is not your concern.
I'm a step mother and honestly I wish I hadn't met my husband's ex. Things can get pretty ugly pretty soon for basically nothing, and now that we don't talk at all, things are very much more peaceful. I love her kids, treat them right, they love me back and both families are happy apart. No need for unnecessary contact.

toobusytothink · 02/12/2020 15:40

Oh my gosh - poor your ex’s gf! Unfortunately you can’t tell him he can’t see her with the kids. And you can’t insist on meeting her either. I can’t believe you phoned her!!! Just leave them alone. You said you’re insisting on meeting her but don’t want to. So don’t. You sound a bit of a nightmare and jealous to be honest. I’m afraid you just need to let this go ...

Notcoolmum · 02/12/2020 16:14

@Amanda87 the ex is pushing for it as the OP has said the GF can't meet the DC until the OP and GF have met. I'm amazed he has gone along with it, but as he has it's nothing a surprise he wants it to happen so he can conduct his time with his child as he wishes.

@weezybob do they live together? I'm sure he's probably more hands on with his GF's kids if she has them most of the time than perhaps she would be with yours. I'm conscious not to be with my BF and his DC all the time on their weekends as I think their time together is important. But I will join them for part of the weekend. I do not parent in any way. I hope I'm fun and good company!!

Magda72 · 02/12/2020 16:20

as I said I'd like to know who is bringing up my son when he's not with me.
@weezybob she won't be bring up your son. YOU will & your ex will.
You have all my sympathy - I've been exactly where you are now but honestly? Let it go.
Don't meet her formally - it will achieve nothing. She's your ex's gf & as such the only one who needs to know her is him. Over time & from a distance you will get a sense of what she's like in relation to your son & if you feel as that stage that she's 'bringing him up', ie doing the grunt work for your ex, then that's a conversation you should have with HIM & only him.
If your ex wants his son to meet his gf & her family you have no right whatsoever to stop him (bar there being safety concerns).
I know how hard it is dealing with the OW but you have to remember she was not the issue in your relationship - your ex was - so don't fall into the trap of projecting all your feelings onto her instead of him.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/12/2020 16:20

I've never met my son's dad's girlfriend and they have been together a while, have no interest either. They might not even be around next month so why bother? Your parenting relationship is with your ex, you don't need to get involved with the new girlfriends.

Whodofthunk · 02/12/2020 17:57

No one poo pooing meeting is talking about the child's age though - my youngest was only 2 when my ex got with his gf, had he been a mouthy 10 year old I may have trusted I could gauge his happiness around her by his behaviour more than a barely verbal toddler.

Notcoolmum · 02/12/2020 18:40

But @Whodofthunk he is responsible for his DC during his contact time. Just as the OP is during hers. We can't control what happens during this time. And I think it's key to come to terms with this following a break up. If OP doesn't like his GF it doesn't change anything. Unless there are safeguarding concerns then there really isn't anything the OP can do. I would probably have liked to have met a woman who would be spending time with my small child. But I know I couldn't have made that a condition of her seeing my child. Cordial relationships all round are best for everyone.

If the meeting goes ahead I would suggest a low key meet up in a park with the kids. Thank her for meeting you. Say your DC is so important to you and you are grateful she's agreed to meet up. You just wanted to be able to meet her if she is going to be important in DC's life. Keep it short and friendly.

TicTacTwo · 02/12/2020 20:21

I've not met ex's gf of 8 years.

There's no point in meeting her

anybody can behave politely for a coffee. Any reassurance you hope to feel won't happen because it's the sort of meeting when you can't really know what someone is like behind closed doors.
if you don't like her then there's nothing you can do. Even if you have concrete evidence that she said something outrageous you will be treated as jealous and there's nothing you can do
she owes you nothing so any reassurances or promises made at this meeting can be broken without worry.

FluffyFlamin · 02/12/2020 20:26

Agree with your ex, you do sound controlling.

movingonup20 · 02/12/2020 20:32

I've met my dp's ex, so much easier to meet early on so when events crop up when your paths cross there's less awkwardness. She was very pleasant, wished me luck! (We met 6 months after they split, her decision to split, which may help). She's asked us to have the kids for Christmas

mrsplum2015 · 02/12/2020 22:44

Oh my gosh I'm so shocked by these responses.

I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive.

My ex has a Gf currently and she was slightly apprehensive but we eventually set it up we would go for coffee on our own and it was perfectly natural. We just chatted about her kids and my kids and our jobs etc. as we left she gave me a hug so she can't have thought I'm that controlling!!

It just means I can talk about her naturally with my kids and oh yeah I met x and she seems nice etc.

By contrast my partners ex has no interest in meeting me even though I spend loads of time with their daughter and have looked after her without her dad there. That's v typical of her though that she has no interest in anyone outside her own life. She can't even remember my partners address when she has to pick up her daughter!!! The daughter is seven and very affectionate with me, says she wants to live with me etc, To me that just indicates her mum doesn't show any interest in her life and treats her dad like shit which the daughter is already aware of being so young

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 09:55

Oh my gosh I'm so shocked by these responses. I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive.

The responses are down to the fact that statements like this completely bypass the new partner's opinion as if that isn't something that factors into the decision. Nobody is saying it is a bad thing to meet up or that it wouldn't benefit the kids, but you cannot simply force or expect unquestioningly an unrelated adult to do something they may not want to do because you perceive it to be good for your kids. Phrases like "I was adamant", "I just want", and in the case of other comments on this thread "it's part of being a responsible parent to meet them" don't take that into account and they come across as arrogant because they are wholly focused on yourself as the parent, they don't even seem to consider whether the other person is willing or not.

It's particularly cheeky from parents who have already overstepped and been inappropriate towards the new partner, which is the case with OP, even if the new partner has been patient about it so far. It's still unbelievably arrogant to expect compliance and amicability from a new partner you haven't even been polite to.

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2020 10:42

I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive

You can be aware and supportive without meeting her. And why would your children need reassurance? If their father says it’s fine then you should be suppprting that unless there is a back story.

The other parent gets to make the decision on whether they should be in their child’s life. Not you.

BuckingHell · 03/12/2020 10:55

I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive

You understand you don't get a choice don't you?

excelledyourself · 03/12/2020 10:58

We both go to meet new teachers

How does this come about? Do you mean you meet them at parents evening throughout he year as all parents
do, or you specifically request to meet them when you hear a new teacher has started/been appointed for the year?

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 11:15

Tbh I think you're being totally unreasonable OP.

You can't insist that your ex doesn't include her in his time with you child until you've met her and then also put off meeting her!

I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive.

I don't see why - if you meet and don't like her, where does that get you? You ex is still going to be with her and you can't enforce that your child doesn't spend any time with her. You'll just be winding yourself up.

I think after a split you need to trust your ex's judgement unless you have a reason not to. I met my partner's ex (and mother of his kids) in passing after we'd been together several years as the opportunity hadn't naturally arisen until that time. She never demanded a meeting as she trusts that my DP wouldn't bring anyone unsuitable around his kids.

BillMasen · 03/12/2020 12:21

“I'm adamant I meet any new partner of my ex before they meet the dc. I just want to know who is in their life and reassure the dc I'm aware and supportive”

You can be as adamant as you like but it’s not your decision. I’d not take kindly to that level of interference and control and I’d make my own decisions on how to parent my own kids.

LouJ85 · 03/12/2020 12:35

Phrases like "I was adamant", "I just want", and in the case of other comments on this thread "it's part of being a responsible parent to meet them" don't take that into account and they come across as arrogant because they are wholly focused on yourself as the parent, they don't even seem to consider whether the other person is willing or not.

This!! Since when are you in charge of another adult and what they will and won't do? Complete arrogance. If my DP's exW had been "adamant" I meet her before I interacted with her kids, both DP and I would have told her in no uncertain terms that she has absolutely no right to make such demands!

mrsplum2015 · 03/12/2020 15:01

Wow this is so different to my experience of life

I'm equally open to the fact my partners child's mum could ask to meet me at any time and as a figure in her daughters life that is absolutely her call. I could also easily meet her out on the street when she or I is with her daughter so the meeting would happen anyway.

I absolutely did not say I am judging whether a partner is appropriate or indicate it's my choice whether she's in my children's lives, it is about just knowing who someone is and them knowing who I am. A 20 minute meeting if you want to spend time with someone's kids in a potentially semi parental role is absolutely not too much to ask

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 15:08

@mrsplum2015 they're not auditioning for the role of getting to look after the children and you aren't doing them a favour they owe you anything in return for, they are just dating the kid's dad. Taking on a "parental" role of his kids is often a necessity or kidness, or in some cases an unfair pressure from their partner, not a privilege they have to jump through hoops for. They don't owe his ex anything at all. If they choose to meet with you then that is nice of them but they don't owe you that at all.

Stantons · 03/12/2020 15:09

A 20 minute meeting if you want to spend time with someone's kids in a potentially semi parental role is absolutely not too much to ask

@mrsplum2015 it is if the person demanding the meeting does it in a rude way having already been troublesome and combative from the off

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.