Page 3 | Meeting exes new partner- advice on what to say?!

weezybob · 2020-12-02T10:18:19+00:00

So I've got my ex pressuring me to meet his new partner. They've been together around 6 months and he already took my lo to meet her, her family and daughter after around 3 months behind my back. I spoke to his partner and told her how unhappy I was about it, and asked if no further advancements are made to meet him again until I meet her- she obliged. Now I have my ex essentially telling me that I'm getting in the way of his life and have no control over what he does when he has lo, and will do it behind my back if I don't go meet her ASAP now that the lockdown has finished. I don't feel comfortable with it, and more to the point, I don't know what to say to her. There was some foul play on both their sides before the ex and I split in the first lockdown, so I have some bitter feelings towards her as it is, and the inconspicuous meeting has exacerbated this. Can anyone please give me any advice on how to handle it, and what to say to her? I know the ex has been stopping over at hers with her daughter there, and has met all the family quite a while ago now. But essentially, that is her decision and not mine. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated! Many thanks!

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 11:47

@IJustWantSomeBees

And honestly it was very big of her to oblige you. If my partner's ex contacted ME instead of her child's father and reprimanded me and made demands to me I would think she was unhinged.

My ex had already spoken to her about it, and she was happy for him to give me her number. She actually told me to go through her in the future, so she can't have felt as though I was an absolute dragon.

It was quite an amicable conversation, and I told her that I appreciated her taking the time to talk to me.

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Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 11:50

@IJustWantSomeBees

And honestly it was very big of her to oblige you. If my partner's ex contacted ME instead of her child's father and reprimanded me and made demands to me I would think she was unhinged.

Especially if she then refused to actually meet you.

It looks like it’s just a way to be manipulative to stop her seeing your son. And now you need to put your money where your mouth is you’re in trouble, you never actually wanted to meet her, you just want to stop them spending time with your child together,

Now they’ve called your bluff. So you need to, excuse the expression, shit or get pff the pot.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 11:52

There is nothing to say that I have refused to meet her?

I was simply stating that I didn't know what I was going to say to her...

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MorningNinja · 02/12/2020 11:54

I agree with @IJustWantSomeBees.

You've created this situation OP so now you've got to ride it out. No idea what you will say to her though without sounding controlling.

If I was her I'd want to meet you to satisfy my curiosity and for entertainment value. I would wholeheartedly put the needs/wants of my partner over any requests you made.

Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 11:55

@weezybob

There is nothing to say that I have refused to meet her?

I was simply stating that I didn't know what I was going to say to her...

Eh, ok. Then when are you meeting her? What’s this thread all about?

So I assume you’ve agreed now and your ex is no longer pressurising you? If you’ve not agreed and he keeps having to ask you the you’re refusing, playing semantics is silly.

Look, phoning her, wanting to meet her, you’re getting to up in their relationship. Are you jealous by any chance?

sheslittlebutfierce · 02/12/2020 11:57

I'd advise what not to do is get a little tipsy over lunch and when they turn up inform them they are just the latest in a long line of many and not to imagine they were 'the one' for even a moment because clearly i already held that title! and that she should always look over her shoulder for the next up and coming

Not my finest moment, and in honesty I meant well.

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2020 11:58

My ex had already spoken to her about it, and she was happy for him to give me her number. She actually told me to go through her in the future, so she can't have felt as though I was an absolute dragon. It was quite an amicable conversation, and I told her that I appreciated her taking the time to talk to me.

Well then if you've already had this amicable discussion with her (which she was very mature and obliging to facilitate which paints her in a very good light), why do you still feel you need to meet her and why are you now unable to speak amicably with her, when you weren't before?

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 11:59

The thread was merely asking from advice from people who have been in my position, and their opinions and/or advice on how best to handle it.

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Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:01

@aSofaNearYou

My ex had already spoken to her about it, and she was happy for him to give me her number. She actually told me to go through her in the future, so she can't have felt as though I was an absolute dragon. It was quite an amicable conversation, and I told her that I appreciated her taking the time to talk to me.

Well then if you've already had this amicable discussion with her (which she was very mature and obliging to facilitate which paints her in a very good light), why do you still feel you need to meet her and why are you now unable to speak amicably with her, when you weren't before?

I would be able to amicable, I was stating that seeing as I suggested a meeting then I feel as though I should follow it through, but I wasn't sure what I would say to her whilst we were having a coffee or whatever.

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TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 12:02

@sheslittlebutfierce

I'd advise what not to do is get a little tipsy over lunch and when they turn up inform them they are just the latest in a long line of many and not to imagine they were 'the one' for even a moment because clearly i already held that title! and that she should always look over her shoulder for the next up and coming

Not my finest moment, and in honesty I meant well.

Oh dear!

Spied · 02/12/2020 12:11

I'd want to meet someone who was going to be spending time with my child too OP.
You mention this woman has a child. Could you possibly meet in a park, taking the DC which will take some of the awkwardness away. Chat about the kids and you'll also get to see what type of mum she is to her own child?. Small talk about work and family

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 12:13

I doubt you will find many people who have done what you’re doing op.

So I assume you’ve not actually set any date to meet her.

Look either you do or he needs to go ahead and let them spend time together.

Is this a jealousy issue?

FelicityPike · 02/12/2020 12:17

Of course you’ll be ok with your ex vetting every person you want to introduce to his child in the same way?

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:22

@Bluntness100

I doubt you will find many people who have done what you’re doing op.

So I assume you’ve not actually set any date to meet her.

Look either you do or he needs to go ahead and let them spend time together.

Is this a jealousy issue?

I've asked her when she's free to meet, figured I have to put my money where my mouth is. Even if it is only an olive branch so to speak.

Jealously? As in for being with my ex? If so then the ship between my ex and I sailed long before we had actually split.

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Giningit · 02/12/2020 12:23

OP I get that this is new territory and can feel your anxiety coming through the screen! It’s a perfectly natural reaction to feel jealous of a new woman in your DC’s life and to also want to protect them from someone you don’t know. Unfortunately when he is with his dad, his dad is responsible for him, so you can’t vet who he interacts with. All you can do is be vigilant and keep the lines of communication open with your DC.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:23

@FelicityPike

Of course you’ll be ok with your ex vetting every person you want to introduce to his child in the same way?

Vetting is not the right word. Not in my eyes anyway.

I would want my ex to take an interest in who will be around his child. If he wanted to meet them then as long as the potential partner was fine with it, I would also be.

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FelicityPike · 02/12/2020 12:25

Oh I think vetting is exactly the right word.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:26

@Giningit

OP I get that this is new territory and can feel your anxiety coming through the screen! It’s a perfectly natural reaction to feel jealous of a new woman in your DC’s life and to also want to protect them from someone you don’t know. Unfortunately when he is with his dad, his dad is responsible for him, so you can’t vet who he interacts with. All you can do is be vigilant and keep the lines of communication open with your DC.

I get it now, maybe I thought I was entitled to have more of an input with DC than I actually do when he's not with me and need to let dad do his own thing with him.

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Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:29

@FelicityPike

Oh I think vetting is exactly the right word.

That's fine, I'm not going to speak to her like it's a job interview.

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Whodofthunk · 02/12/2020 12:32

Oh my word what a pile on!

My ex introduced our kids to his new gf very early in their relationship and even got them to lie about it. I have now met her briefly but she is very hostile and the whole situation is awkward and did upset me.

My ex met my partner before he had anything much to do with the kids, we all just had a coffee one drop off and it clearly made the children very happy to see everyone just being okay chatting with one and other. They have now met numerous times at pick ups/drop offs etc and it is so nice that everything is civil and nothing is awkward. For that reason I think it is definitely a beneficial thing to do. I just wish my ex's gf would see the same and stop being so childish (she literally sat on my driveway for over half an hour once refusing to get out of the car waiting for everyone else to finish coffee and kids t9 be ready ).

My partner's ex is a very funny one, she insisted on a video call with me before I met their kids and proceeded to passive agressively bang on about their wonderful marriage etc . I survived that, and the first time we sat down together it wasn't too bad. Again, I think the children benefitted from seeing everyone was okay with everyone else.

If you do it just keep it light and polite.

HallieKnight · 02/12/2020 12:33

You come off as extremely controlling op

Giningit · 02/12/2020 12:37

@weezybob I will say that when your DC isn’t with you, you are still his mum, so you’re still responsible for his overall wellbeing. So, I’m not saying that you don’t have any input at all. For example, a few years ago, one of my DC wasn’t very well, Ex was aware and was due to have him over that coming weekend. Ex then wisely decided to book an activity that weekend, which he wanted DC to attend, however it would have been harmful to my DC. I refused to let him go because Ex wouldn’t cancel said activity. All done with my DC’s best interests at heart.

Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:41

@Whodofthunk

Oh my word what a pile on!

My ex introduced our kids to his new gf very early in their relationship and even got them to lie about it. I have now met her briefly but she is very hostile and the whole situation is awkward and did upset me.

My ex met my partner before he had anything much to do with the kids, we all just had a coffee one drop off and it clearly made the children very happy to see everyone just being okay chatting with one and other. They have now met numerous times at pick ups/drop offs etc and it is so nice that everything is civil and nothing is awkward. For that reason I think it is definitely a beneficial thing to do. I just wish my ex's gf would see the same and stop being so childish (she literally sat on my driveway for over half an hour once refusing to get out of the car waiting for everyone else to finish coffee and kids t9 be ready ).

My partner's ex is a very funny one, she insisted on a video call with me before I met their kids and proceeded to passive agressively bang on about their wonderful marriage etc . I survived that, and the first time we sat down together it wasn't too bad. Again, I think the children benefitted from seeing everyone was okay with everyone else.

If you do it just keep it light and polite.

This was the kind of thing I had in mind, but I know sometimes it's just not a reality.

I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or anything, but given what has been mentioned previously re the phone call situation then I don't know if that will be possible.

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Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:41

@HallieKnight

You come off as extremely controlling op

Unintentionally, but apparently so!

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Original poster

weezybob · 02/12/2020 12:43

[quote Giningit]@weezybob I will say that when your DC isn’t with you, you are still his mum, so you’re still responsible for his overall wellbeing. So, I’m not saying that you don’t have any input at all. For example, a few years ago, one of my DC wasn’t very well, Ex was aware and was due to have him over that coming weekend. Ex then wisely decided to book an activity that weekend, which he wanted DC to attend, however it would have been harmful to my DC. I refused to let him go because Ex wouldn’t cancel said activity. All done with my DC’s best interests at heart.[/quote]
No I understand that perspective, I've had to stop DC seeing dad only once but that was due to having to isolate. I would never stop him seeing dad without proper justification.

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