Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

Seeing your update - the council says kids can share until 10 anyway.

@movingonup20

If it's big enough for a partition then it's not a box room. Why can't they share once your son is old enough to need a room? Mine slept with us until around two to be honest. Surely this conversation should have happened before you bought a 2 bed flat!

Again before you judge NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD TO BUY we are in a council flat and the council does not accommodate a bedroom for his daughter who has a bedroom at homee for god sake take your crap elsewhere

I feel very sad for the little troubled girl at the centre of all of this.
It seems to me that the focus needs to be what is best for her at the moment. She is obviously being neglected at home, being used as a custody pawn, school is concerned, and the social services are involved.
I get how disappointing it might be not being able to decorate a nursery for the baby, but at the moment the priority should the DSD, and helping her feel she has a place and home at her DF’s.
Longer term you need to plan how you will be able to juggle the need of both children having their own space. You are very lucky to have a council flat in Oxfordshire (I live there too) - they are really scarce!! You might need to think about renting privately in the longer term for the extra space.
One thing that did concern me in your posts was the expectation you DSD should thank you for the meals you cook and other support you give her. In my experience not many children of that age would say thank you for everyday meals which their family serve up. It feels like you see her as a guest rather than family.

@SilverBirchWithout

I feel very sad for the little troubled girl at the centre of all of this. It seems to me that the focus needs to be what is best for her at the moment. She is obviously being neglected at home, being used as a custody pawn, school is concerned, and the social services are involved. I get how disappointing it might be not being able to decorate a nursery for the baby, but at the moment the priority should the DSD, and helping her feel she has a place and home at her DF’s. Longer term you need to plan how you will be able to juggle the need of both children having their own space. You are very lucky to have a council flat in Oxfordshire (I live there too) - they are really scarce!! You might need to think about renting privately in the longer term for the extra space. One thing that did concern me in your posts was the expectation you DSD should thank you for the meals you cook and other support you give her. In my experience not many children of that age would say thank you for everyday meals which their family serve up. It feels like you see her as a guest rather than family.

I understand it's hard for DSD and we give her lots of love and treats and to be honest if you don't see that fair enough but all my nieces and nephews of this age all say please and thank you it's not hard it's about teaching a child that you have to do this to get on it's all well and good not expecting it at this age but then you have problems later on because you let it slide I'm not asking her to kiss my feet because I do things for her but like I'm polite in life so should she and my son included

DSD gets more than my son like I said in my post I even send my son to my mums on the Saturday to have one on one time with DSD it just has to be fair for everyone not just the children if you do that with children they become entitled and take it into adulthood I care very much about this little girl and meet her needs as much as I can but what is happening at home is out of my control :/

You chose a 2 bed flat when you have 2 children. Your partners child deserves to also feel as if she has a home with dad, and your baby doesn't care if he has a nursery or not. Baby in with you, and if the room you are currently in would fit 2 children better, and the other room would fit you both, then changing them to that room in the future would maybe be an option? Your SD will care much more about being edged out than a baby will care about having decals on a wall.

She's not only a visitor. She's his DD, your DSD, and your baby's big sister?

As well as weekends, half the holidays will be with you as a family?

@SD1978

You chose a 2 bed flat when you have 2 children. Your partners child deserves to also feel as if she has a home with dad, and your baby doesn't care if he has a nursery or not. Baby in with you, and if the room you are currently in would fit 2 children better, and the other room would fit you both, then changing them to that room in the future would maybe be an option? Your SD will care much more about being edged out than a baby will care about having decals on a wall.

It wasn't about decorations it was about storage but ok

@Enough4me

She's not only a visitor. She's his DD, your DSD, and your baby's big sister?

As well as weekends, half the holidays will be with you as a family?

She VISITS 4nights a month with lots of love with the council she is classed as a visitor

What happens during the holidays when he has 50% time: Christmas, Easter, halfterms×3, 6 week summer break, non-pupil days?

I can't believe the posters saying a chid who sleeps there for 4 nights a month and has her own room at her mother's gets priority over a child who lives there all the time. Daft.

Of course DS gets the room and DSD shares it and has her space there as well.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

I can't believe the posters saying a chid who sleeps there for 4 nights a month and has her own room at her mother's gets priority over a child who lives there all the time. Daft.

Of course DS gets the room and DSD shares it and has her space there as well.

I know absolutely mental isn't it :/ I only wanted space for my child that's it for storage not decoration thanks for your comment

God what a depressing thread. Poor kids.

We lived in a 2 bed until DD was 1, once we wanted to put her in her own room she used to sleep in a travel cot in DSSs room, and we'd move it back in with us for the EOW he was there. Would that be an option?

I do get the disappointment of not decorating a nursery etc but in all honesty as they grow you do come to realise they don't really need their own special space until a good couple of years in. I'm still dealing with the desire to decorate her room nicely now tbh (she is 2) because although she now has her own room, we're renting so I can't do much with the decor. It doesn't bother her in the slightest yet.

Could you spilt the larger master bedroom to make a smaller one for one of the children?

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

I can't believe the posters saying a chid who sleeps there for 4 nights a month and has her own room at her mother's gets priority over a child who lives there all the time. Daft.

Of course DS gets the room and DSD shares it and has her space there as well.

But the op doesnt want the dd to have any space in the room at all. Shes doesnt want her to share it. She thinks it should be just for ds and the dsd on a camp bed when she comes.

If you get sole or main residence of your DSD, you will qualify to go back in the list for a three bed. Of course, if that happens, you will both need to put your feet done we about bathing and so on.

Have you had legal advice about applying for residence in a private family law case, in parallel to the SS investigation?

This isn't about the dp wanting the dsd to have the bedroom to herself its him wanting his daughter to have a permanent space in his home. Which is absolutely reasonable

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

I can't believe the posters saying a chid who sleeps there for 4 nights a month and has her own room at her mother's gets priority over a child who lives there all the time. Daft.

Of course DS gets the room and DSD shares it and has her space there as well.

But I thought she didn't want DSD to share that room with DS which is what would make the most sense

"I think you need to move somewhere more suitable."
Hahaha, are you for real? Or did you just happen to glance down from your over privileged ivory tower?
Have you literally any idea what it takes to just up and move when one feels like it
ODFOD

@GroundAlmonds

If you get sole or main residence of your DSD, you will qualify to go back in the list for a three bed. Of course, if that happens, you will both need to put your feet done we about bathing and so on.

Have you had legal advice about applying for residence in a private family law case, in parallel to the SS investigation?

We have our solicitor it's not a court case raised by social services they got involved again after a report from cafcass confirming the mother had absolutely no reason to stop contact and she lied and said my DP wasn't in the picture the law is completely on our side routine is important but the mental health issue an 8 year old is forming is more important

@GroundAlmonds

If you get sole or main residence of your DSD, you will qualify to go back in the list for a three bed. Of course, if that happens, you will both need to put your feet done we about bathing and so on.

Have you had legal advice about applying for residence in a private family law case, in parallel to the SS investigation?

And yes we would be entitled to a three bed once we have residency

@calamityjam

"I think you need to move somewhere more suitable." Hahaha, are you for real? Or did you just happen to glance down from your over privileged ivory tower? Have you literally any idea what it takes to just up and move when one feels like it ODFOD

I know it's brilliant isn't it

@HillaryWhitney

God what a depressing thread. Poor kids.

My child is well looked after thank you don't you dare put me in the same category my baby is washed fed loved and is in a ROUTINE if it's too depressing for you I'm sure your advice of positivity is needed elsewhere

@OverTheRainbow88

Could you spilt the larger master bedroom to make a smaller one for one of the children?

Yes I think that's the plan now I don't know why I didn't think of it in the first place but I think it's the best option

So this daughter never gets taken anywhere at any weekend? That is appalling.

Anyway could you not partition part of another room? Maybe your room or part of the front room?