Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

Baby won't need a bedroom for at least 6 months to a year, spend that time saving every penny for a home your family fits in. My dsd comes here 1-2 nights a month and a few holiday days if we can persuade her- she still has her own space and I wouldnt dream of making her sleep on a pull out bed as if shes just a visitor. Its her home

And to clarify it's not about the decoration of my son's nursery it's about storage where do I put his clothes cot for later on his teddies and bouncers that have been brought for him but again I must be mad to want to create space better for my family :/

I think you need to move to somewhere more suitable.

You've had a baby with a man who has a daughter. So there will need to be compromises on order to accommodate the first child. And to help create a positive relationship between your DSD, her dad, you and her sibling. The children's room will need to be a shared space. That doesn't mean you can't decorate or have space for your son. But whilst being sympathetic to your step daughter.

My dsd comes here 1-2 nights a month and she still has her own space, I wouldn't dream of making her sleep on a pull out bed as if she's just a visitor.

Well that's great if you have the luxury of spare room. But in reality, someone who only spends 1-2 nights per month at your home, is a visitor. The term 'visitor' can be applied to any other relative without drama, but the minute you bring a step child into the equation, it all gets a bit silly. You can make someone welcome without reserving a bedroom for them, FFS.

The other vicious comment about my partner not parenting his daughter

It's not vicious to point out that he does not ensure she gets washed and dressed each day she stays. That is rank. Irrespective of what she does at her mum's, he is her parent and should be making sure she is clean every day she is with him.

@Newmum2020F

And to clarify it's not about the decoration of my son's nursery it's about storage where do I put his clothes cot for later on his teddies and bouncers that have been brought for him but again I must be mad to want to create space better for my family :/

Well, where did you expect to put it when you were pregnant? Toys and bouncer will go in the living room. Cot in a shed/garage/loft/ leaning against a wall in your bedroom. Clothes in a chest of drawers in your room. It’s not difficult...you just sound like you want to push this wee girl out of her home!

The baby needs a cot. Put a pull out tub underneath it for his clothes. Keep the bouncer and a basket of toys in the living room where presumably the baby will use them anyways.

My DSD comes effectively 4 nights a month we aren't lucky enough to buy I had my baby with my partner because he is an amazing father to his 8 year old and has always been in his life when allowed

My other concern with them sharing what would you do then in the future say my DSD is 10 and my baby is 2 my DSD is allowed to watch things on the telly and YouTube that use bad language And things that are not child appropriate at all.

The reason I do not get involved in making her say please and thank you bathing her and generally being there for her is because she is not use to this treatment at home so all we get is tears and anger to be honest no she can't feel pushed out and if she does that's rather SPOILT I'll tell you why I make sure my son goes to my mothers every time she visits so we can spend the day with her on the Saturday she will ask all day when is her brother coming home so I don't think it's down to being pushed out she has clearly said my room is at home with mummy and I prefer to be At home with mummy which is completely normal as mummy lives very differently to me and my partner we have a routine here and even my 8 week old is in a routine.

Trying to get an 8 year old who is allowed to do as she pleases every other day she isn't with us to get into a routine for 4 days a month isn't the easiest task.

Again she definitely is not pushed out she has everything she wants when she asks for it she does not lift a finger when she is here we Bend over backwards and dare I complain about it like I would if my own son becomes this lazy because I'm her step parent I think it's crazy how some people think and it's about fairness for everyone not just an 8 year old

She gets enough love care and treats here I just don't believe she should have a bedroom here I don't think it's fair if she came more and we had her a lot that's different but I am killing myself for this little girl and her needs because of how judgmental people are she says this is daddy's house and she won't bring friends here because we live in a flat and should have a house like most of you think to.

At the end of the day we can't all afford to live in big houses with enough space my DSD mother had to have another 2 babies to be put into a 3 bedroom house im not entitled to a bigger home and I would not accept a 3 bedroom as their are families who all live together full time that need those homes.

I had my baby with my partner because he is an amazing father to his 8 year old

4 days a month and he doesn’t even get her dressed or have a proper bedtime.

what would you do then in the future say my DSD is 10 and my baby is 2 my DSD is allowed to watch things on the telly and YouTube that use bad language And things that are not child appropriate at all.

Why would her amazing father allow her to watch things that aren’t child appropriate?

Hmmm...
You take the box room and divide the main one or you and DP sleep in the lounge and children get a room each..

Your SD needs her owm space 100% but your baby needs his own room too and as he is with you full time his needs are more urgent than SDs

Because if we don't allow it we have to put up with messages from mum about not letting her be herself at our home

He is a good dad amazing dad as far as I'm concerned yes things like routine and bathing not good at all in the slightest but when a child is put into a bath and cries and screams and grabs the sides likes she's being hurt is awful may I add that DSD mother is under social services and has been for 5 years which we didn't know about until court the SOCIAL WORKER advised us not to push DSD into a different routine as this may be upsetting and confusing for her so I'm absolutely torn

I buy her brand new clothes that costs a bomb she won't wear them and will say mummy will buy them for me at home I don't know what to do but seeing as everyone is such an expert on step parenting please enlighten me with some more judgement :)

Because if we don't allow it we have to put up with messages from mum about not letting her be herself at our home

So? Do you know you can ignore them?

@Coffeepot72 we don't have spare rooms, she shares a room with DD - this was discussed with both girls before we moved in together and wayyy before we had more kids. Shes not a visitor - we would have her much more often but she doesn't want to come as we limit her screen time. If we made her feel like a spare part she wouldn't come at all and that would be incredibly sad both for her and for DH. Of course I would rather DD had space in her room for a double bed or to keep her dance stuff in there but that was the choice we made when we blended families. If I want DH which I do, he comes with DSD. And if he was prepared to make her feel like she didn't belong here just to make things easier and more convenient for me and my kids then I wouldnt want him anyway and I certainly wouldn't have had kids with him.

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time here. Your home is what it is and you need to be imaginative and perhaps unconventional to make it work. How big is the box room? Can you get your double bed in there? If so it's a really good idea to partition the main bedroom for the children. Each child does need their own space, even if it's by zoning, your baby needs somewhere to change him, store clothes, toys and sleep in once old enough. Your SD needs her own space too - in another couple of years puberty is going to hit. Phone use and TVs must always be in the family area for safeguarding.
Can your wardrobe stay in their room or move to the hall or bathroom?

@Newmum2020F I do sympathise with your situation as we have similar issues with DSD - absolute hysterical sobbing when we limit her screen time, refusal to follow any of the rules the other kids do, worse behaviour by miles than dss5 or dd2 - and if we push too hard she refuses to come, then DH begs and pleads and the next visit is worse. Its hard and as step mums were expected to be perfect in every way in a really shitty hard situation, and God forbid we criticise in any way. All I can suggest is you introduce your own rules and routines gradually with lots of praise when she behaves nicely, and pick your battles. That's what we do and weve seen some slight improvements. Good luck with puberty, thats a whole new level!!

OP, Council flat or mansion, you have only the square footage that you have, you cannot create space that does not exist. Your husband's daughter is not a visitor or a guest. Her father's house is her other home. That is not being judgemental ; that is a fact. That is the home that her father provides.

Your reality is that given your available space, some items will need to be stored in your living room. Perhaps, you can find some creative and decorative storage bins for your living room.

The bottom line is that your home cannot

comfortably accommodate the number of family members. The solution is not to marginalize your husband's daughter by treating her as an occasional visitor. The bedroom should be their equal space, and you should continue to store overflow items in other spaces.

Perhaps, even if you cannot afford a mortgage, you might be able to afford to rent rather than buy a larger space. Decorating the nursery is a fun part of having a baby, but it is by no means an essential or necessary part of having a baby. You must live in your reality and not in your fantasy. You will be unhappy if your happiness is always dampened because it is not consistent with your fantasy expectations.

Not every baby gets a nursery, and many families live in cramped quarters. If that is your reality, be thankful that you have a home with 2 healthy children and the opportunity to build a better future for them.

Your partner should now begin referring to the bedroom as the kids room. He has 2 children who now share that space.

Yes of course it's about me having my first baby and wanting to do his nursery isn't that what every mother does when they have a baby? Or I guess I'm selfish right?

yes, a bit OTT and unreasonable, given that you already have DSD who need room.

I echo the high sleeper idea.
Get a high sleeper.
Decorate the space up high for her. You coudl get a princess fair net, fairy lights, stickers for the wall etc and paint that place in her colours. (or dinosairs or whatever she is into)

Then the space under the high sleeper is the space for your ds. Either put his storage/chest pf drawers there, or his cot, you can turn the cot to 90 degrees so that is makes an L with the high sleeper. Decorate that space and the opposite wall for your ds.
Ideally you would make them co-ordinate in some way, or flow from one to the other so that the room looks complete.

I think both you and your dp are being unreasonable. You dp needs to think about where ds is gonig to go. 6 months isn't long, it isn't like a few years, in a few months you need a solution.

If your room is big enough, you could partition part off for ds room. That woudl alst until he was 2 ish, and then think again.

Honestly? many people have babies in 1 bedroom flats and don't get to do a nursery until the child is 1-2 and they move.

You both need to come off your high horses and meet in the middle.

I'm bringing my kids up in a flat. I grew up in a flat. Living in a flat with kids isn't something to apologise for.

Intentionally living somewhere you cannot make a private space for one one the children is pretty sad.

The high sleeper idea is good.
Decorating a nursery isn’t necessary. I never did it at all. Mine always had plain painted walls and curtains, completely neutral.
But I think your DSD’s behaviour is cause for concern. That’s a different issue, though.

@KyraGoose

I think you need to move to somewhere more suitable.

its a council flat! how on earth do you suggest they just move somewhere more suitable? the council obviously do not think a child who stays EOW needs their own bedroom!

FGS this again.

You will get torn apart OP because you have had a child with a man who already has one. ! If you know anything about MN you know that you are going to be in the wrong whatever you say.

There are also those who simply can't wrap their privileged head around someone not 'just buying' some mini mansion to cater for kids or in fact - buying ANYTHING ! When i are there 4 days a month ..

Luckily we aren't ALL the same and don't all agree. Also having a lived experience of step children actually helps.

I am assuming you have been able to get a council flat - brilliant.. because they are about 60% of the cost of private rent . So well done.

I expect that you aren't back at work yet but when you are you will have expensive childcare for a small child or be a sahm and therefore be living on one wage - so yes it makes absolutely all sense to have moved into a small council 2 bed at say £450 per month instead of a private 3 bed at £1000pm . Most of MN haven't a clue about the extortionate cost of renting OR - that whilst MN thinks DSC and Dc are all 'equal' the state does not. When it comes to social housing DSC ARE expected to sleep on a sofa bed or a put-me-up as they count for absolutely nothing on the housing register unless 'resident' children.

That said .. it is always better to do what you can.

We had 7 in a 2 and a box room end of terrace when mine were growing up. They are now 25, 23 x 2, 21, 18 x2 & 16...

We slept on the sofa bed for the weekend his 4 were with us. The box room was a high sleeper for my resident son. and EOW a fold out single went underneath for his son. The three youngest shared our King Size (top and tailing) and the older two shared my daughters room.

No one had their own bedroom . Nobody died. Nobody was traumatised. Nobody needed life long counselling. As times moved on and mine had sleepovers at friends and his had the same and didn't always all come it became a bit less of a squeeze .. Then his 2 eldest wanted to move in with us - and that meant our garage got converted for them .. but there is no way we would of taken on that sort of cost for kids that stayed 4 days a month.

4 days a month is NOT living with you. No matter how anyone wants to try and swing it - it's not. They are visitors. Very welcome, very much loved - but nonetheless visitors.

My solution OP is to give DSD the box room until baby needs it (but TELL HER this is temporary) then she has the sofa (or your bed and you go on the sofa ) ..

If her mother is so awful I assume your partner has applied for more or full residence? Are school not concerned this child is never bathed?

@Newmum2020F I have just recently came out of a similar situation however my partner had a different outlook and wanted our sons nursery to be his own. We have bought a high sleeper bed for DSS who stays every second weekend also it is great as there is so much more storage underneath it. Cot etc can even be put under, similarly a sofa bed is handy. DSS doesn't really use the bedroom he's always playing on games or downstairs literally just uses it to go to bed. I completely understand it's ur first child and first home every parent wants to do a nursery for their first born regardless of the people who say he's too young he won't know. You will know. I don't think it's sensible she sleeps with you and DP though in your room. Definitely look into the high sleeper beds. I don't think you are being unreasonable but it may of been an idea to wait and not get a 2 bedroom place with 2 kids. Also you can hang little fairy lights etc from them kids thing its cool like their camping sand stuf whatever you decide to do you can make it fun and exciting for her and Im sure she won't mind either way

Box room for your son. DSD stuff in your room and when she stays you and DP sleep in the lounge.

Did this for years. Works well.