Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

@Enough4me

Your perspective sounds great, this way DSD is included and everything is fair.

I still find the anger at other posters' perspectives unnecessary. This is an open forum and the OP has referenced her partner's and DSD's mum's faults herself. If she hadn't, the other points wouldn't have been mentioned.

Do you have a stressful job/life and need to vent?

I'm not angry at anyone's bedroom views, that's what op asked for. I'm angry because people think they're entitled to tell op how shit they think her husband is when that is not what she asked. The step parenting board should be a safe, supportive place Constructive criticism is fine, just coming here to have a dig shouldn't be allowed.

No, I don't. I just feel that comments like that are unnecessary when clearly op is having a hard time. She's got a small baby ffs. None of us are at our 100% most selfless at that time and people think it's ok to have a go - it's not. Be kind got up and fucked off months ago, I know, but it never existed on this board unfortunately.

If she hadn't referenced the mum's "faults" posters still would have commented because they always do.

I'll take that as a yes.

Excuse me? Why ask me if you're going to ignore my honest explanation and decide I have a stressful life or job? Neither of which I actually have. Maybe if you go and read the rest of the step parenting board you'll see what I mean.

@Newmum2020F
I sympathise with you. I have children with my husband and he has children with his ex too. It's a squeeze when they're all here! We change the spaces as and when we need to. When they're all here Baby comes in with us and the 16 yr old goes into the nursery. Our 2 yr old shares with his 11yr old and the 13 yr old has a sofa bed in the lounge. which he loves. seems such a novelty to stay downstairs by himself when we go to bed! Maybe you can do something similar in that you make the nursery for your baby, but when his daughter is here you can hide some of baby's things and add things of hers so it's her space for those few days. Similar to what you suggested doing in your own room but you still get to keep your space.
You'll always get criticism as a step parent on here. But your points about your own child are valid too so ignore those who think they aren't!
Also, in hindsight I wish I'd never bothered decorating the nursery with my first. You think it's exciting but they soon grow out of it with my second his room is plain and as his interests develop I will personalise it to him. But as a first time mum those things seems important at the time so don't let people tell you otherwise but it is actually much better and more exciting to create them a bedroom which suits their interests and personality so if you can't do the nursery thing then you won't miss out I promise! X

[quote 2GinOrNot2Gin]@Newmum2020F
I sympathise with you. I have children with my husband and he has children with his ex too. It's a squeeze when they're all here! We change the spaces as and when we need to. When they're all here Baby comes in with us and the 16 yr old goes into the nursery. Our 2 yr old shares with his 11yr old and the 13 yr old has a sofa bed in the lounge. which he loves. seems such a novelty to stay downstairs by himself when we go to bed! Maybe you can do something similar in that you make the nursery for your baby, but when his daughter is here you can hide some of baby's things and add things of hers so it's her space for those few days. Similar to what you suggested doing in your own room but you still get to keep your space.
You'll always get criticism as a step parent on here. But your points about your own child are valid too so ignore those who think they aren't!
Also, in hindsight I wish I'd never bothered decorating the nursery with my first. You think it's exciting but they soon grow out of it with my second his room is plain and as his interests develop I will personalise it to him. But as a first time mum those things seems important at the time so don't let people tell you otherwise but it is actually much better and more exciting to create them a bedroom which suits their interests and personality so if you can't do the nursery thing then you won't miss out I promise! X[/quote]
This is lovely thank you so much x

Hello. I know how it feels, we are in similar situation. Pm if you need to talk X

OP please stop feeling that you need to justify yourself, PP are picking your situation apart and dragging you deeper into erroneous topics that you haven’t asked for advice on nor wish to discuss. That’s not their place. You have presented a very simple scenario with adequate context to allow posters to comment. If their intelligence and ability to focus on that scenario is lacking to the extent that they are getting side tracked and instead intent on ripping into you and your DH on irrelevancies then my advice is to ignore them.

In your situation I would give your son the room. You can’t magic an extension, more resources or space. The council won’t prioritise your DSD because her sleeping arrangements for 4 nights a month are in reality neither here nor there. Get some decent storage for her. If they can manage a high sleeper then the kids can sleep together in the box room - though I suspect your DSD would prefer some privacy that a sofa bed in the lounge would offer over a high sleeper.

Having everyone else put out for 100% of the time to accommodate someone for 14% of the time is completely disproportionate and not fair on your own son, who contrary to some posters opinion, also needs to feel secure in what is his ONLY home.

@SilverBirchWithout

I feel very sad for the little troubled girl at the centre of all of this. It seems to me that the focus needs to be what is best for her at the moment. She is obviously being neglected at home, being used as a custody pawn, school is concerned, and the social services are involved. I get how disappointing it might be not being able to decorate a nursery for the baby, but at the moment the priority should the DSD, and helping her feel she has a place and home at her DF’s. Longer term you need to plan how you will be able to juggle the need of both children having their own space. You are very lucky to have a council flat in Oxfordshire (I live there too) - they are really scarce!! You might need to think about renting privately in the longer term for the extra space. One thing that did concern me in your posts was the expectation you DSD should thank you for the meals you cook and other support you give her. In my experience not many children of that age would say thank you for everyday meals which their family serve up. It feels like you see her as a guest rather than family.

And you really think central to this girls difficulties are her not having a room to call her own for one night a week? C’mon.

I thank my parents for a meal and always have. It’s basic manners.

@EggysMom

I do sympathise with the OP with regards to one thing - it's a shame that housing associations, when calculating space/room requirements, don't take such arrangements into account. It's so important that children have access to both parents, but they will only provide/fund a bedroom in one house and not both.

There aren’t endless resources. Nobody supports MP’s having second homes but apparently they’re essential for under 18’s?

We have four DC in a 3 bed house. As it is baby still sleeps with us and next year DSS will have his "garden room". Baby will.move to box room. Problem solved for us.

@Sara020619

Hello. I know how it feels, we are in similar situation. Pm if you need to talk X

Hello thank you for your comment I'm not too sure how to pm you but I'd love to hear your situation if you have time to pm me thank you :) x

@LyingDogsLie1

OP please stop feeling that you need to justify yourself, PP are picking your situation apart and dragging you deeper into erroneous topics that you haven’t asked for advice on nor wish to discuss. That’s not their place. You have presented a very simple scenario with adequate context to allow posters to comment. If their intelligence and ability to focus on that scenario is lacking to the extent that they are getting side tracked and instead intent on ripping into you and your DH on irrelevancies then my advice is to ignore them.

In your situation I would give your son the room. You can’t magic an extension, more resources or space. The council won’t prioritise your DSD because her sleeping arrangements for 4 nights a month are in reality neither here nor there. Get some decent storage for her. If they can manage a high sleeper then the kids can sleep together in the box room - though I suspect your DSD would prefer some privacy that a sofa bed in the lounge would offer over a high sleeper.

Having everyone else put out for 100% of the time to accommodate someone for 14% of the time is completely disproportionate and not fair on your own son, who contrary to some posters opinion, also needs to feel secure in what is his ONLY home.

Thank you for your comment, I think most of it is absolute shock the comments I have had trying to make me out like I'm trying to push out my DSD I feel like my son does not matter in this situation and because my DSD is from a separated home she deserves more than my son?

It's not nice to hear But thank you for your comment I am no longer commenting back to negative posts I've also seen another thread that people think the step parent portal always gets abused and it's horrible because we are only human and have natural feelings not nasty but natural and those feelings have been seriously shut down :(

Just because my DSD is from a separated home she deserves more than my son?

That’s exactly what lot of people think. If a child has separated parents, they should be constantly compensated for this, often to the detriment of everyone else in the household. Not healthy at all.

@Coffeepot72

Just because my DSD is from a separated home she deserves more than my son?

That’s exactly what lot of people think. If a child has separated parents, they should be constantly compensated for this, often to the detriment of everyone else in the household. Not healthy at all.

Yup. All it really does is further segregate the two households.

Blimey this thread is nuts! Op - I think your original idea of a pull out bed etc is perfect. Your thoughts of wanting to decorate a nursery etc are completely understable. You sound very caring and thoughtful and would no doubt have a different view point if your step daughter was with you half the time or full time.

My partners DS used to sleep on a foldable bed in our bedroom when he came for EOW and holidays. We only had a 1 bed flat, which in London is already extortionate. As much as we would have loved to give him his own room, it wasn't possible when he was there so seldom and we were struggling with costs already. Initially we partitioned a bit in the living room and made it real cosy with lights, stickers, toys etc but he could never sleep there saying he was scared and would end up in our bed, so we moved his foldable bed in with us. At least then he slept in his own bed which seemed more appropriate and he was happy with this. His clothes fit in our wardrobe in the bedroom and we gave him a desk in the partitioned bit in livingroom, which he loved as it was "his area" and sufficient for his stay with us as he had his own room at mums. Oh and OP we would take out his bed on arrival and put it away when he left and there was no crying or thinking he wasn't part of the family, he understood our room was tiny and it didnt make sense for the bed to occupy the space when he wasn't there (we couldnt even walk properly in the room with the bed out). If theyre 8-9 they will understand just explain calmly and factually.

Not everyone can afford large houses and ideal scenarios. If the stepmom haters can then good for you, be grateful, but dont judge those who cant. Most important thing is the child is loved, safe and healthy. As OP mentioned, a non-resident child, ie one that comes for contact EOW + holidays as OPs SD does, isnt required to have their own bedroom . I think its the benefit reform act or something

OP I think the idea PP had re you and DP taking box room and splitting your current bedroom in 2 for you DS and DSD is great. Enjoy :)

Agreed, @Hercules12. This nonsense that a child who comes to stay for four nights a month must have her own bedroom is completely ludicrous. As long as she has somewhere to sleep and is welcomed and included, that is absolutely fine. Your suggestion of a pullout is complete acceptable. Far too many parents racked with guilt who are then terrified that their children will feel rejected by them, so they pander to them to prevent it. It does the children no good whatsoever and is just inflicting your own neuroses onto the child. When she is a teenager, you will need to look at a different option as she will need some space and privacy but at age 8, she doesn't need a permanent bedroom which is then left empty for the rest of the time. Your baby doesn't need a room for now and your DSD could use the room whilst there until he does, but it needs to be described as the spare room or as your son's room that she uses whilst there, so she doesn't latch on to it as hers, as she will have to give it up once your son needs a room. You sound like you care about your DSD, look after her and welcome her - you are doing a great job. Just because she isn't able to have a dedicated room long term at yours does not mean she is being pushed out or rejected. It is how the adults involved handle this, their reactions and their language that will influence how DSD feels about it.

We used to live in a three bed house, I used to let my SD sleep in our spare room but only when she turned 11. Before that she shared with her brother who is four years younger. I never allowed her to have her own room. She wasn’t allowed to decorate it, it was the spare room. Who gives a room to a SC when they only stay twice a month! This is lunacy. The room was used as an office which I gave up when she stayed over. One day the “room situation” came to a head and my SD took pictures of the room on her phone and sent them to her BM. As u can imagine it all kicked off. We moved around that time and I purposely only chose houses where the third bedroom was a box room that didn’t fit a bed. No one black mails me and makes me feel bad when I pay the bloody mortgage. No more over night stays! Problem solved. Your partner is lucky he doesn’t have me for a wife!

Your partner is not an amazing dad. His dd is being neglected and the best he can do for her is 4 days a month where he can't even dress her. He should have been putting every effort and penny into court fighting for 50/50 and sorting out the dreadful situation his existing child is living with as a priority over everything else, including further children.

It is not a case of your dsd being more important than your ds, but she is certainly more important than you wanting to decorate a nursery just because it is your first baby. That is purely for you not your baby, he doesn't care about a room, if he was given the choice he would most likely be happiest and most content in your room for at least a year or two!

This thread is ridiculous.

Both children should share a room. They aren't teenagers.

OK I did have to have a friend point that out to me when I was pregnant as I live in a 2 bedroom place but I have the option of moving. I actually have neighbours where they have 3 kids under 12 sleeping in the largest bedroom.

If you can be bothered paint and decorate parts of the room to suit each child. Though you are better of doing it a neutral colour. Then getting the older child to put posters up in her part if she wants to.

Once the older one is 12 then you need to deal with the issue as it arrives. This may be the 12-year-old sleeping in the living room this gives her the advantage and you the disadvantage of her having access to the TV etc.

@WeAllHaveWings

Your partner is not an amazing dad. His dd is being neglected and the best he can do for her is 4 days a month where he can't even dress her. He should have been putting every effort and penny into court fighting for 50/50 and sorting out the dreadful situation his existing child is living with as a priority over everything else, including further children.

It is not a case of your dsd being more important than your ds, but she is certainly more important than you wanting to decorate a nursery just because it is your first baby. That is purely for you not your baby, he doesn't care about a room, if he was given the choice he would most likely be happiest and most content in your room for at least a year or two!

Your post is ridiculous.

Only if your partner has gone through family court and you also know other people who have, would you understand the reason why.

Your partner is lucky not to have me as a wife
Indeed he is. Your attitude is quite shocking.

Kids don't come to visit their father. They come to spend time with them as a family. They want to feel at home with their dad too.

Of course at times things are difficult, like in the OP situation, but to deliberately pick a house with a small room not big enough for a bed is just nasty and your OH is a coward to have gone with it.

Of course kids in this situation end up not wanting to come any longer when they are old enough to voice their views.

You make it sound like it was a victory to celebrate. In the end, it's not the child who will lose out as much as your OH.

Why don’t you and your partner just move into the smaller bedroom when the baby moves from sleeping in the same room as you. You can then split the larger bedroom into two smaller rooms.

Alternatively, does the flat have a seperate dining room, or a kitchen diner? If so either the dining room could become a bedroom, or the kitchin diner could become kitchen, diner living room and the living room could become a bedroom.

If you’re in a council property could you look at swaps available, you may find something with a better layout, more space etc.

We moved around that time and I purposely only chose houses where the third bedroom was a box room that didn’t fit a bed
Wow, witchy! We move when I got pregnant and I purposely discounted houses where the third “bedroom” was a falsely advertised cupboard.
I’m all for putting the resident children first when practical needs must, but to deliberately make decisions to shut out your step child is just awful

@Youseethethingis @dontdisturbmenow the reason I never gave her the room? There is always a reason. Do u think I did it to be spiteful? When we explained to my SD and her BM that she couldn’t have the third bedroom because it was going to be lift space for her disabled brother to get up the stairs weirdly they didn’t seem to care. We moved to a house where the room was big enough for a lift. Your right though children should be welcomed and be made to feel part of the family it’s a very sad when they can’t give up a room two nights a month for their disabled brother. Sometimes just sometimes the resident child comes first!