Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

We have our solicitor it's not a court case raised by social services they got involved again after a report from cafcass confirming the mother had absolutely no reason to stop contact and she lied and said my DP wasn't in the picture the law is completely on our side routine is important but the mental health issue an 8 year old is forming is more important

Okay so you found out about social services involvement because your DP was pursuing contact through the court? So now that you know that, and you’ve had staying contact and seen how neglected she is, why don’t you just go for sole residence? Would you be okay with that?

It would be easier for you and your DP to work together to our routine and boundaries in place for her if she wasn’t going back to a neglectful home.

Also do you think maybe your DO is fixating on the room issue as he feels his hands are tied in respect of other ways he wants to put his DD first? It feels like this room is very symbolic to both of you of a lot of other stressful stuff that is going on.

If DSD does come to live with you full time @Newmum2020F you'd only qualify for a 3 bedroomed once she turned 10..

This is exactly why I would never have got with someone who had kids. All those firsts (like decorating a nursery together) have already been taken.

I think you and your partner are both going to have to compromise, you have two children and only one bedroom so neither can claim the entire room. It will have to be shared until you can afford a better house.

Here's my opinion (seeing as everybody else is giving theirs) ...

Plenty of families with two children, have them share a bedroom. The fact that DSD only visits for occasional days should be irrelevant, she has no more and no less rights to space than DS. So what would the family do if both children were full-time resident (and don't say get another flat/house, that's obviously off the agenda).

Smaller bedroom cannot be that small if OP is considering her and DH move into it. Therefore plenty big enough for two growing children. Smaller bedroom is considered the "Kids Room" and gets nameplates on the door for both children from the outset so that it is clear. DS stays in with parents for a few months as is currently the advice, but baby's belongings are stored in KIds Room. DSD sleeps in Kids Room with full knowledge that DS will move in with her as he gets bigger.

Appropriate beds are chosen, I like the idea of a highsleeper for DSD with lights/trimmings to suit her; bunk beds would be more appropriate once DS is old enough for a proper bed. Clothes storage should be carefully considered but I would go for all being behind doors so DSD and eventually DS can open just their relevant cupboard. Does DSD really need a wardrobe, could everything simply be folded? Storage fo DS toys is at ground level, storage for DSD is on shelves at high level (reachable from high sleeper bed) so DS cannot reach.

TV watching / language is solved by DSD watching on a tablet with headphones. She needs to understand that she shares her room and has to be considerate. Cross the bridge of the teenage years when they happen, don't worry about that now.

DH needs to get a grip and understand he has TWO children, not one.

Incidentally does DSD really have to have a bath on the one night she's staying there? I'd class that as one of those battles that isn't worth fighting.

@EggysMom you sound so logical and fair but maybe missed the post where the OP explained in capital letters that her partner’s daughter is JUST A VISITOR. No need to treat her like a mender of the family :-(

As a stepmum I could never imagine that my partner’s child is a visitor. This thread just makes me feel so sad for the children.

The room should be split or shared. If it’s shared it will have next to no impact on the baby as the daughter only “visits” her father 4 days a month.

I do sympathise with the OP with regards to one thing - it's a shame that housing associations, when calculating space/room requirements, don't take such arrangements into account. It's so important that children have access to both parents, but they will only provide/fund a bedroom in one house and not both.

@Notcrackersyet

OP explained that she meant in the eyes of the council DSD is a visitor thus can’t get a 3 bed

I think you should look up all the tiny house living ideas on Pinterest and Instagram. You'll get loads of ideas about storage and decoration that will help you make the most of your space to benefit everyone that lives there.

You need to think about your space differently. So use the walls, doors, ceilings. All furniture has to do double duty. So a table is also storage. Or a stool is also a table.

Save up and get an everyday sofa, every night bed (sofa bed obvs) then you and partner can sleep in the living room when your DSD stays.

Or use a high bed with a cot under - loads of pictures online. You can even get bed tents to give both children privacy if they share. Don't give her a TV but perhaps think about a small table with headphones.

None of the problems you have mentioned are insurmountable.

As for doing something for your DS pick a corner in the shared space and go to town for him. Again loads of inspiration online.

Draw us a rough outline of your room shapes and perhaps we can pick out some imaginative ways to use the space.

Tiny house living really will give you some great ideas.

This could be really fun. Get your DSD involved show her pictures, work out plans. Imagine together (all 3 of you) if your partner is handy you can put his skills to use.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Notcrackersyet

OP explained that she meant in the eyes of the council DSD is a visitor thus can’t get a 3 bed[/quote]
Thank you for reading properly I'm being made out to be an absolute monster it's so weird :/

[quote Notcrackersyet]@EggysMom you sound so logical and fair but maybe missed the post where the OP explained in capital letters that her partner’s daughter is JUST A VISITOR. No need to treat her like a mender of the family :-(

As a stepmum I could never imagine that my partner’s child is a visitor. This thread just makes me feel so sad for the children.[/quote]
Just a visitor TO THE COUNCIL!!!!!!!! We cannot all afford to buy and private rent!

@SciFiScream

I think you should look up all the tiny house living ideas on Pinterest and Instagram. You'll get loads of ideas about storage and decoration that will help you make the most of your space to benefit everyone that lives there.

You need to think about your space differently. So use the walls, doors, ceilings. All furniture has to do double duty. So a table is also storage. Or a stool is also a table.

Save up and get an everyday sofa, every night bed (sofa bed obvs) then you and partner can sleep in the living room when your DSD stays.

Or use a high bed with a cot under - loads of pictures online. You can even get bed tents to give both children privacy if they share. Don't give her a TV but perhaps think about a small table with headphones.

None of the problems you have mentioned are insurmountable.

As for doing something for your DS pick a corner in the shared space and go to town for him. Again loads of inspiration online.

Draw us a rough outline of your room shapes and perhaps we can pick out some imaginative ways to use the space.

Tiny house living really will give you some great ideas.

This could be really fun. Get your DSD involved show her pictures, work out plans. Imagine together (all 3 of you) if your partner is handy you can put his skills to use.

Great ideas thank you so much :)

Also look at ideas for shared living spaces with children of different sexes and ages online. It's actually quite fun. If you tell yourself this is an exciting challenge you'll respond better to it.

Do you have any outside space? If you've got a balcony that could be fun or if a garden could you get DSD a small play hut?

I have one of those pop up festival tents for DS my Dad thought I was crazy when I asked for it as a birthday present about 10 years ago buts it's one of the best used "toys" we have! It's so easy to pop up and away and creates extra play space outside.

Frame this differently OP and you'll find a way. You will, simply because you have to. Also anything you do will help with custody applications. You have the potential to make a life long difference in the life of your son's big sister. That's an absolute honour.

Good luck.

My small table with headphones comment above is supposed to read small tablet with headphones 🤦🏼‍♀️

Camper van and camping "hacks" online (Pinterest and Insta) will also be useful for creative ways to use the space.

It's an adventure!

Iv been their. I was lucky and I had 3 bedrooms so didn't have this issue as such but now we've had more kids and his other children stay more often !

when his dd stays she just stays in the spare bed ? She doesn't know it's our spare bed. I put her own sheets on and she does have her own draws (got a big IKEA set, top 2 are hers, bottom 2 are another child's 🤪) he deffo needed a tv before he met me! But anyway I think this is your best solution instead of packing and unpacking all her things. Get draws for them to share so it's a shared" bedroom in your dh eyes and I'd get the pull out bed or even a single bed that's easy to dismantle maybe ! It is mainly for your son as that is his home all of the time !

But I'd definitely appeal your housing situation as a box room for 2 kids is not practical. I have 5 bedrooms for 7 kids and me and my dd (darling Dickhead) he's in bad books!! and that's hard enough!!! Xx

Look at this! Looks fab and fun.

Did you discuss and agree what the room would be used for prior to buying the house? If you didn't, this was a major mistake. Surely during the house buying process you'd have discussed at some point who's room it would be, or where DSD would sleep when she was there??

If it was me I'd feel exactly as you do, that it should be my sons room because it's my house. However, it's also your DH's house and she is his daughter. And she has more use for the room than a newborn baby. The error here is not discussing and agreeing prior to buying the house what the room would actually be used for, and if for your DSD, where on Earth will your son sleep when he's no longer in your room??

And il be honest my DSD doesn't have the troubles your dsd faces but we bonded loads doing girly things an Yea I did take over her care mostly when she came as it's a natural mother thing an she was more comfortable me helping her then her dad, like once she had a rash on her back and asked me to put her cream on an he said come here il do it an she just said no she wanted """"" to do it. I don't mind and I do get along with them all and their mum so I guess it's a bonus for me. I'd just try keep things so basic with her. Maybe try board games and you bath her etc just make her time with you easier for her and eventually she will hopefully come more and then your Dh can help to when she feels ready.
You have no idea what her mum is saying to her !!! Some women are blooody crazy!!!! Dss mum has 12 kids. Has 2 in her care. She was bloody awful spending all the money she got on her and didn't feed them or anything ! Luckily enough iv always had the boys with me but wasn't fair on her other kids really hurt me knowing what was going on as SS took so long to act upon !

*if it’s true that each child is supposed to be equal, then the best thing is for each child to have a room. DSD’s room is at her mother’s home and DS’s room is at HIS mother’s home

This makes sense. Otherwise DSD will have the best of everything all the time, and the OP’s child doesn’t have a proper room at all. And how is that fair?*

Because DSD doesn't get to live with her mummy and daddy and DS does. They aren't the same and will never be the same.

DSD needs to feel at home in her parents home(s). It sounds like you need a bigger place in order for everyone to be happy so I hope you can come to an arrangement, perhaps a bigger place in less desirable location.

Having a baby with a man who already has a DD in a 2 bed flat.... can't have come as a shock that some sacrifices are needed. "Doing up the nursery" being one of them. There isn't room for all your kids, the space has to be shared.

Because DSD doesn't get to live with her mummy and daddy and DS does.

Yes because as we all know that's all that matters. As long as your mummy and daddy are together you better think yourself lucky and if you want anything else you can whistle for it.

@TrustTheGeneGenie you have been really angry at posters sharing their opinions, but what is your perspective?
What space should DSD have in her home with her dad, stepmum and brother?

[quote Enough4me]@TrustTheGeneGenie you have been really angry at posters sharing their opinions, but what is your perspective?
What space should DSD have in her home with her dad, stepmum and brother?[/quote]
I'm angry at posters sticking the boot in about things op didn't ask about. Because that's all that ever happens on this board.

I think they should buy bunk beds and the room should be decorated suitably for both children, or like a pp said give dsd op and partners room when she stays.

Your perspective sounds great, this way DSD is included and everything is fair.

I still find the anger at other posters' perspectives unnecessary. This is an open forum and the OP has referenced her partner's and DSD's mum's faults herself. If she hadn't, the other points wouldn't have been mentioned.

Do you have a stressful job/life and need to vent?