Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

You do sound judgemental, maybe that’s all they can afford? I’m guessing they are in London?

I'm aware it could be all she could afford, that's why I specified that I didn't mean it in a judgemental way, it's just difficult to advise a perfect solution as it simply isn't an ideal scenario to only have one box room for both kids, from my experience of how much you can fit in a box room. I'm actually from the same area of the country as OP and live elsewhere because I can't afford it, so I do know what it's like.

Having read your updates OP, I think the best solution is probably to put bunk beds in and simply not allow her to have a TV in the room. I understand what people need about her needing her own space but if that's not living within your means then it isn't possible, and it's only for a small amount of her time. I had a box room growing up and didn't really spend lots of time in there, so I have quite a living room centric viewpoint, I don't really feel like you need all that much in your bedroom.

It doesn't sound like your DP is a great dad as he doesn't ensure his DD washes and doesn't bother to try to come up with good solutions for the bedroom situation for both his DCs and calls it her room.

What is it that you want in the room that you think DSD will not like? i.e. if it's nicely decorated and she has the top bunk bed in the long run will she care what colour you paint it? (She could choose the quilt cover?)

@Enough4me

It doesn't sound like your DP is a great dad as he doesn't ensure his DD washes and doesn't bother to try to come up with good solutions for the bedroom situation for both his DCs and calls it her room.

What is it that you want in the room that you think DSD will not like? i.e. if it's nicely decorated and she has the top bunk bed in the long run will she care what colour you paint it? (She could choose the quilt cover?)

why do people feel the need to say this?

did op ask for your opinion on how good of a dad her partner is?

no. she did not. why not just answer the actual question??

nobody would say to a mother oh well by the way i think youre doing a shite job and then go on to answer the question, they'd just answer the question!

@TrustTheGeneGenie because OP said he was a great dad and that's why she had a baby with him. He clearly isn't, is creating this situation, and people would point out if a mother was failing on parental responsibility.

[quote Enough4me]@TrustTheGeneGenie because OP said he was a great dad and that's why she had a baby with him. He clearly isn't, is creating this situation, and people would point out if a mother was failing on parental responsibility.[/quote]
did she ask for your opinion on that or?

Well as shown by this thread, they wouldn't because i don't think anyone has picked up on her shitty parenting here have they, only dad following it?

He sounds like an absolutely terrible father. If everything you say about dsd’s mum is true (and I doubt it is) he should be going for full custody, being allowed to stay up until 4am, never being bathed and allowed to watch inappropriate things is neglect.

I would never have had a baby with someone whose happy to have his child raised that way but you have! As far as the room situation goes I think you should get her a high bed.

I think the best solution is probably to put bunk beds in and simply not allow her to have a TV in the room. I understand what people say about needing her own space but if that’s not living within your means then it isn’t possible and it’s only for a small amount of her time.

Sounds sensible?

Thank you for your replies some of you have been lovely and sound like you are in the same situation and one person asked is the school not concerned yes they absolutely are they are the ones who call social services if you must know her home life is very damaged and the poor little girl does not know her boundaries anywhere I have tried to put into place that she baths on the Friday and Sunday and washes on the Saturday I make her breakfast lunch and dinner without any please or thank you I buy her clothes and toys without a please or thank you and when I try to put her to bed at 9pm which to me is still late all I get is tummy ache and tears and screaming and I'm telling my mummy so I have tried but I cannot force a child to bath! Or do anything What do you suggest I do throw her in it's now down to social services to do the parenting course with her mother which my AMAZING partner didn't have to do! SOCIAL SERVICES told us not too push her too much with routine as she is having a hard time and no routine at home she will find it distressing if we force her and she also understands forcing her can lead to investigations with adults got to be very careful and we don't want to make it worse of course they agree she should be in a routine but we have only just got granted contact through the court after fighting for contact which we now know her mum stopped contact every time social was involved so we wasn't informed as she told them the father wasn't involved and DSD has been told not to talk to anyone about home or daddy it's a secret that's what she told me :/

Thank you for the people who understand it's not that easy for some to just get another place I am on the council and the COUNCIL DO NOT see DSD as a resident who needs a room which i agree with like a lovely comment said a visitor but a very loved visitor.

And my DP has put in for full custody but as we all know it's not that simple they don't just take children away from their mothers for not washing

Pretty bubbles in the air it's people like you that make the world hard and judgemental just like a few others on here jumping in with your heavy opinion without knowing the full story :/

I don't care what you think is true social services are not investigating me or my partner and say what we have done is fine and we aren't under any investigation just been told not to upset her too much at this time because she's in a situation at home that isn't normal so back off and don't comment again your advice isn't needed here thanks

The more you write, the more useless he sounds. What is it that he does that makes him so amazing? Because everything you've written is about what you do for her.

OP - just a thought - any chance you could make your kitchen into a kitchen/living room? You would then have 3 bedrooms.

OP - you will always be on the backfoot on MN, because you're a step mother. You will always be guilty til proven innocent!!!

@excelledyourself

The more you write, the more useless he sounds. What is it that he does that makes him so amazing? Because everything you've written is about what you do for her.

and the more you write, the more judgemental you sound.

why is this ok?!??! this is supposed to be a supportive place ffs!

I am judging. I'm judging the DP based on what OP has written. She's got a newborn and it sounds like her DP also leaves her to deal with the daughter he sees 4 nights a month.

I'm sympathetic to OP, but he does sound useless.

I understand what you are saying about my partner being useless he cooks cleans does washing goes to work financially looks after me and his children that's what makes him so amazing!! A good man

As for his daughter who he does not live with she does not want daddy to do these things for her because mummy does them at home so she points and cries she wants me to do it which is understandable she's 8 and don't want her daddy seeing her body he tells her what she needs to be doing but she doesn't listen that's the point and we cannot force her to do anything she stays 4 nights a month??????

This was about my new baby having space so the ones who have given me suggestions thank you so much I think I'm going to partition our bedroom as it's bigger they can have a side each and me and DP will go in the box room and as she is ONLY A VISITOR I can use it as a guest bedroom when she isn't here

Thanks for your comments to the non judgmental people

To the judgemental ones I'm sure your nasty one sided opinions are needed elsewhere cheers

DSD isn't use to men her grandma is a lesbian so is her auntie and her mum just has a range of different partners so bless her it's women she looks to for anything

@excelledyourself

The more you write, the more useless he sounds. What is it that he does that makes him so amazing? Because everything you've written is about what you do for her.

I'm glad I'm entertaining you about my partner :) you must be a man hater lol

@Prettybubblesintheair

He sounds like an absolutely terrible father. If everything you say about dsd’s mum is true (and I doubt it is) he should be going for full custody, being allowed to stay up until 4am, never being bathed and allowed to watch inappropriate things is neglect.

I would never have had a baby with someone whose happy to have his child raised that way but you have! As far as the room situation goes I think you should get her a high bed.

I'm glad you know what's true and what isn't when your not involved tell me how you do it I'd love some tips :) I'm sure social services wouldn't be involved of mummy was so great :/

You need to put your foot down with your DH. He is demanding more for his DD than his DS. DS will be resident so gets the space. DSD gets a cabin bed ro trundle bed. She already has a room of her own.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

You need to put your foot down with your DH. He is demanding more for his DD than his DS. DS will be resident so gets the space. DSD gets a cabin bed ro trundle bed. She already has a room of her own.

Thank you for this i feel this way also I think he's like that towards his daughter because he feels guilty that his brother has two parents and hers are separated but that's not my fault and it happens we just have to make the best of it thank you for your advice :)

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

You need to put your foot down with your DH. He is demanding more for his DD than his DS. DS will be resident so gets the space. DSD gets a cabin bed ro trundle bed. She already has a room of her own.

Her brother not his lol

@Coffeepot72

OP - you will always be on the backfoot on MN, because you're a step mother. You will always be guilty til proven innocent!!!

Thank you I know dare we say anything about the child you get accused of pushing them out what human being wants to be nasty towards a child like that it's sick but it has to work for everyone not just the eow child not fair :/ thanks for your advice

If it's big enough for a partition then it's not a box room. Why can't they share once your son is old enough to need a room? Mine slept with us until around two to be honest. Surely this conversation should have happened before you bought a 2 bed flat!

@movingonup20

If it's big enough for a partition then it's not a box room. Why can't they share once your son is old enough to need a room? Mine slept with us until around two to be honest. Surely this conversation should have happened before you bought a 2 bed flat!

You’ve not read the thread, have you?

WOW!!! I'm so shocked at the amount of grief ur getting off people. I have been in exactly same sort of situation and to me u sound very reasonable and sound like ur trying to be as flexible as u can. My partner has 6 other children and 4 of which regularly stay over. I live in a medium sized 2 bed house and it can be cramped but we moved in while I was pregnant. This is my first child and I know will be my last. I was really excited to do a Dumbo themed nursery for our son but my fiancé wanted to do giant Batman and superman posters. At the end of the day that room is my sons only and permanent bedroom, end of! When the brothers and sister are over they understand that and respect it. We have got single bunk beds in there for the other kids and they share a built in wardrobe but they're not allowed a tv or games console because firstly it's a nursery. The saving grace is that they are very rarely here at the same time as they have different moms.
There is 1 thing I would suggest tho and that's that when they are at ur house they have to follow ur rules. No if's but's or maybe's. With my step kids all having different mothers that also means they have different home lives but one thing certain is that when they are at my home, I expect the same standard of behaviour that I expect from my own son.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for u