Bedroom situation HELP

[Newmum2020F]

Hello everyone.

I need some advice on a bedroom situation my DP has an 8 year old daughter that stays with us every other weekend and half the holidays.

We have just moved into our first home after having a baby 8 weeks ago it's a small 2 bed flat but it's ours and it's home!

So unfortunately I haven't yet experienced doing up my son's nursery because my DSD bed and wardrobe are currently in their the room is a box room and very small my partner is talking about putting in a partition so they can have half the room each.

Personally I think this is a little unfair my son would have the tiniest space in his room and the other side wouldn't get used also when DSD comes she does not use the room nor play with any toys or even get dressed she stays in her pjs unwashed all weekend (I don't get involved up to her dad to encourage)

DSD has her own room at home with a double bed and massive TV which she always reminds us of that she prefers to be honest even she doesn't want the bedroom it's my DP that wants her to have it.

I think he is trying to make her feel at home here by giving her the room as we have had to go to court for contact after mum stops and starts for reasons I can't even explain because I don't understand.

I think I would maybe feel differently if she used the room and appreciated it but she goes to bed around 11pm (stays up till 4am at home so DP don't put her to bed because he don't wanna upset her (again not for me to be involved) and wakes up at 7am so I don't see the point in her having half the room.

I've even suggested she have half our bedroom but please just let our son have his nursery this is my first child and my DP has already experienced doing up a nursery for his DD

I asked if she could have a pull out bed for the weekend and then I can neatly put all her stuff away until she returns I would never let her see me put it away and it will always be up when she's here with her clothes laid out and clean and bed ready and made.

My partner thinks I'm being harsh and won't really discuss the room situation he keeps calling the room his daughters and I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be for my son.

I didn't think I'd need the room yet but as you know babies have so much stuff and I'm cramming his things in the living room and our bedroom because DP daughter is using the 2nd bedroom.

Would I be unreasonable to take her bed down and wardrobe replace it with a fold away bed (super comfortable I also brought an extra thin mattress to go on top of the one it already has) and replace the wardrobe with a rail so I can hang her clothes and then put them in a storage box when she goes until she returns?

Thanks in advance

I really don't mean to sound judgemental because I do have some sympathy for your situation, but a 2 bed flat with the second room being a box room really doesn't sound suitable for a family with two children.

I think you are both being unreasonable in some ways. She does need to have a bedroom of some sort, you can't deny that just because it is inconvenient. But I'm struggling to understand how it would even be possible to split a box room in two. Most of the box rooms I know only have space for a bed for one, some kind of cupboard and the minimal floor space you need to walk in. How would you be able to fit a bed for both of them in there?

Your DP is also being unreasonable by viewing it is "her room". You now have a child who is going to live there full time and that child needs a bedroom as a priority, he needs to understand that. But you do have some time before your son needs to be in his own room. I think you need to think creatively, is there somewhere else in the flat you could turn into a second box room? Could you partition off a part of your bedroom instead? You need to find space for them both somehow but I can't see how splitting a box room in two is going to work, unless it's bigger than that term implies. You need to use the time when your son ought to be in the room with you anyway, to find a different solution.

If you can fit both beds in there and it's just the wardrobe that's the problem, you just need to get them to share whatever storage unit you can fit in there, or in a different room if nothing will. Surely she doesn't have so many clothes that she needs a whole wardrobe to herself?

I think she gets the room. Baby stays with you until they go into a bed, at which point you and dp reassess the situation and looks for a home that suits the whole family.

I'd be more concerned that you've had a baby with a Man that doesn't even parent the child he already has.

Why did you have a baby when you only have a two bedroom flat? Surely you must've known it's not suitable for an eight year old and a baby? His DD is bound to feel a bit pushed out and funny because of the new baby, the fact you're not even willing to give her a proper space at her dads place is just going exasperate that feeling. I agree with the PP, baby stays in your bedroom until they are in a proper bed, then you need to reassess and find a place suitable for a family of four.

YABU, a new baby doesn't need a bedroom yet. An 8 year old does. Remember she's not a guest, she's your partner's daughter and deserves to feel at home.

Ideally you should be looking for a flat that fits you all comfortably. However, I understand that financial pressures etc can make finding a bigger place difficult... if this is the case for you, both children will have to share the available space.

If it’s true that each child is supposed to be equal then the best thing is for each child to have a room. DSDs room is at her mothers home and DSs took at his mothers home.
It’s shit you couldn’t get a home big enough but I'm assuming finances are what they are and that’s the best you could manage.
I certainly would not be paying half the mortgage only for my child who lives with me 24/7 to not have a room.

I really don’t mean to sound judgemental because I do have some sympathy for your situation, but a 2 bed flat with the second room being a box room really doesn’t sound suitable for a family with two children

You do sound judgemental, maybe that’s all they can afford? I’m guessing they are in London?

I very much doubt whether your tiny baby cares that he doesn't have a whole room to himself

This is about you really, not your DS. You want the fun of "doing up a nursery". So be honest about that.

I don't see the harm in your DH's idea, it's natural for him to want his DD to feel she's got her own space in your home.

These posts come up regularly on this board.
In your case it’s hard to be sympathetic towards your angst in not having the ‘experience of decorating your son’s bedroom’. It’s like you want to erase her existence when she is at her mums. You really think she won’t catch on?

I think your boyfriend is in the right here.
What did you think would happen in this situation? Did you discuss this with your boyfriend before you bought a small flat?

Have you bought this flat? What was the living arrangement before?

Get her a high sleeper. Decorate around the top how she would like it. Then around the cot decorate how you would like it for your son. Plenty of play space for your son on the floor then (toddler toys can be big).

Your DP deferred buying his home until he had 2 children. The one bedroom of necessity must be shared equally by his 2 children. His daughter may always have more or different things at her mom's house but that is not your concern and does not factor into her father's obligation to her.

You do not get to do a nursery but you can do a nice gender neutral juvenile room.

You must live your reality and not your fantasy. Enjoy your baby He is in no way stressing about the decor in his shared room.

The baby isn't going to need his own room for ages yet.
When he's old enough to go into a bed, perhaps you can get bunk beds for a while so they can share. But by then DD will be almost 10, and sharing isn't going to be practical for ever.
What are your long term plans?

I often see this suggested on here, and I normally think, that's nuts, but in this situation I am wondering whether there would be enough space for you guys to go in the box room when your son is sleeping alone and to divide the biggest bedroom between the two of them?

Is there no chance you can move to a bigger property? You could have the baby in your room for at least the first year if it came to it, giving you chance to look, save and move. Maybe a small house rather than a flat would give you more space, and that way both children get their own room.

It's a strange situation, but it's very important that your DP's daughter feels at home when she stays at yours, and that should include having her own space, not sharing with a new baby.

You don't say whether you're renting or you own the flat, but if you're renting, a move should be quite easy!

When you were looking for a house an decided on this one how did the discussion go? Presumably you talked ant the living arrangements?

I was going to say the same thing. Could you go in the box room and split the bigger room for the children?

Surely this was a discussion before you bought this place? Although she's not there full time it will be important for your DSD to have a place of her own so she feels like that is her second home and she's not an interloper. I agree with pp about your baby not being aware of decor at this age anyway

Another tale as old as old as time.

if it’s true that each child is supposed to be equal, then the best thing is for each child to have a room. DSD’s room is at her mother’s home and DS’s room is at HIS mother’s home

This makes sense. Otherwise DSD will have the best of everything all the time, and the OP’s child doesn’t have a proper room at all. And how is that fair?

Well your son won’t be in his room until at least 6 months old.
I would give your son your room, your SD keeps her bedroom you and partner buy a sofa bed for the living room.

Either swap rooms so they share a room big enough to partition or can you get a pull out double sofa bed, so your son has your room and your SD has the box room? May help the 8 year old go to bed before 11pm if she can't hang around the living space.

My children (boy/girl) happily shared a room until the eldest was 11. As you have 2 bedrooms the room will have to be shared.

I'm more concerned about you saying you don't get involved in the fact your DSD doesn't get dressed the weekends she is with you. It sounds like there are issues with your relationship that need resolving.

Firstly thank you for the judgemental people who think that we have brought a small flat haha we are on the council in Oxfordshire and both earn a fairly decent wage but not enough to mortgage a house the council state that DSD does not require a room as she only stays every other weekend and half the holidays.

The other vicious comment about my partner not parenting his daughter and I've had a baby with him again just nasty because you don't know the background it has cost us nearly 3,000 to get contact that my partner deserves she is a part of our family and always has been before my little one it was just the three of us now it's 4 every other weekend and half the holidays.

I have offered to partition my own bedroom for DSD because it's not about not wanting her to have space it's about a bedroom that is not used at all my partner does not change his daughters routine when she comes to us because she is allowed to do as she pleases at home like I said that side of it isn't up to me.

Yes of course it's about me having my first baby and wanting to do his nursery isn't that what every mother does when they have a baby? Or I guess I'm selfish right?

And no he does not use that room yet so where do you suggest I put his stuff in the meantime?? As you know so much about my flat?

I was asking if I was being unreasonable for buying my DSD a fold away bed obviously most people think it's terrible what I'm doing so thank you for your very judgmental and stereotypical advice I appreciate it

Keep his stuff in your room?
I like the suggestion that you swap rooms with your SD, I would do that once your son is ready to move.
I never decorated a “nursery” for my DD as I thought it entirely pointless!