Move from blended living to living apart together

[practicalcat5]

Name changed for this post.
Looking for any experiences of moving from living together as a blended family to living apart as 2 households again, and whether that worked for you? Or whether that was the end.
Have had 2.5 years of trying blended living with my two DC, my DP and his two DC - all between 10 and 13. It is has not been disastrous but it is still like 2 families in one house, and obviously many, many challenges. I would hate to live apart from DP but can’t help but wonder if it would lead to more overall happiness for the children. It would be financially very difficult though - and another upheaval for everyone.
It would be helpful to hear about anyone else’s experiences of similar?

@OfficeProbx if that's the way you're feeling now I would 100% advise you to keep living apart. Trust your gut.

I definitely think the men don’t get a lot of enjoyment out of day to day life alone with the kids whereas many women do. I think they were just raised not to value themselves for providing that, not expecting to do it, not expecting to get pleasure from it. Plus organising, socialising, hosting, making a fun domestic scene, plus discipline, manners, structure for kids etc are things that women tend to be better at.

So whether they know why or not, they’re often far happier - especially with kids - if a woman is around. Without us every minute can feel like a chore; with us it can suddenly be fun to play a board game, cook, etc.

But I think that totally corresponds to my sense that I’m giving up a lot of energy, time, attention which would have been all for my kids but not getting appreciation or recognition (such is the way of step mothers, even good ones); and there’s not much of a quid-pro-quo as usually that corresponds to the husband paying for everything but in my case we both manage our own finances.

Mistredd · Yesterday 18:07
Could you live very close together, so that it was easy to see your DP and also to meet together for extended family times?

Re: above, we fortunately do live pretty near each other. Not a short walk but our kids’ schools are all very close together atm (primary).

So so so pleased to have found this thread, and again another thanks to the PP and those that have reignited the thread.

DP moved in with me and my DD(15) 11 months ago, he has DD(5) 50/50. Although recently his ExW has caused huge issues and currently has a massive issues with my DD. All completely unfounded - DP’s family told ExW that my DD has mental health issues (she is in counselling for a peer bereavement) this has sent ExW off about ‘safeguarding plans’ etc - all very dramatic and OTT but I refuse to give ExW any more information about my DD’s sensitive issues. DP’s family relationship with ExW is another thread!!

On top of it all, I am main breadwinner by A LOT! DP is self employed but i kind of feel that he has really slacked on his job (working very part time) in the spirit of ‘spending more time with his DD’ but really he knows that I pay all the bills (his and DD’s included) and his DD goes to school the days she is with us anyway so he doesn’t actually get that time so to speak. So I feel fully taken advantage of.

I try and spend time with my DD, if SDD isn’t here then DP doesn’t mind, does his own thing but he is also obsessed with the ‘family’ basically meaning that when his DD is here he wants me and DD fully present and involved or I get ‘you two divide the family in half’ etc etc. but it doesn’t take an idiot to realise that a 5 yr old doesn’t have a lot in common with a 15 yr old. My DD is brilliant with SDD and does play with her, lets her sit in her room and go through her make up etc SDD has her own room and we go to the zoo etc but ultimately she wants her free time after school and a lay in Saturday mornings as she is up very early because we live far from her school.

This is my house but DP on the tenancy.

I used to take DD on holiday every year and although DP said he was totally fine with it, even encouraging, as the time approaches to book he has started to say, ‘will you go with SDD is here or not’, ‘we wont tell SDD you are on holiday or she will feel left out’ etc.

He also jumps to ExW’s demands, goes over the top with SDD because the mum will mention something and then we all have to fall in.

I am just about fed the fuck up with it all!

Sounds like an awkward phase to move through. How long have you been together and how long living together?

@Barrytheeggplant I would kick his arse right out. What is he bringing to the party? How dare he question you going on holiday with your own daughter?

Absolutely agree with this @Barrytheeggplant.
He sounds a bit of a cocklodger, both financially and wanting to actually use you and your DD.

Not a lot to be honest. He does a lot in the home, my house has huge gardens and he is a keen gardener so does take care of all of that but recently there isn’t a lot emotionally, he always has some drama that is more important than me or earning money. At the moment he blames me for ExW’s outbursts because ‘you didn’t like me having contact with her, if I had stayed in more contact she wouldn’t be creating all of this’ when in fact I know that’s a lie because she has always been a drama queen about everything.

I have paid all his bills for 6 months now and I think he is just used to that set up. Everytime I try and bring it up, I don’t understand the pressure he is under with XYZ, X - usually his actual ex, Y- his family, Z- anything he can think of

He makes it sound like I’m choosing to be away from him and his DD. Said that we deserve a holiday more. He only let me spend £50 on her on her birthday as that is what I gave him to spend on his DD - again £50 for a 5 yr old goes quite far on little bit, but not so far for a 15 yr old

What the hell @Barrytheeggplant

I have no words.
I hope it isn't but on the face of it it definitely sounds like financial abuse.

At the very least emotional. Emotional blackmail etc.
He let you
You gave him

He's a piece of shit.

Get rid of him.
Throw him out, asap, no delays, don't listen to him trying to stay longer which he will.
Bring a friend/relative when you do it, Ideally male, but anyone is better than not.

@Barrytheeggplant FFS throw him out and play a gardener with the money you save. I am furious on your behalf. He tells you how much you can spend on your daughter and whether you can take her on holiday? WTF? Your daughter is 15 and she won't be around for many more years. Don't spoil these last years at home for her.

I am married to a man with kids and have my own daughter. Take it from me, how he treats you is not in any way normal. My daughter has left home now but if I thought for one minute that her last few years with me would have been spent like this I would have put her first - Every. Single. Time

Thank you all. I have been thinking about leaving for some time now. It’s become unmanageable. Just need the courage

Honestly, from what you've posted I think you would be so much happier if you did.

I really wish we could live apart together but we now have a shared DC and I don't know how to navigate that without essentially breaking the family apart. So I am stuck.