Wow, this has been a great read.
My dp is a widower (dd 12, ds 10) and I am a single mum (no ex, dd 9, ds 5). We’ve been together 2.5 years. We were going to move in at the start but logistics slowed us down. We both feel we really dodged a bullet there. We don’t have any of the ex issues and our kids get on well enough but of course we parent differently. The biggest difference is he has a very laissez-fair, ‘they’ll do what they do’ approach, and also that he to a large extent just says yes to whatever his kids want. I expect better manners, more independence, more gratitude and less entitlement, plus we have more active days and earlier bedtimes and less tech/ devices. He has really changed towards my way of parenting in many ways and furthermore is totally uncritical (with me as with his kids, I am not.) However, it’s clear that living under one roof will be stressful, particularly for his kids and for me.
One comment I would add to this thread is that having had most of our holidays together and seen a fair bit of each other term time a big part of the difficulty is just that a household with 2 kids is so quiet compared to a house with 4 kids. We’re all used to having some quiet time but with 6 of us there’s basically never any quiet time. After a jolly 6 weeks together in summer or 4 weeks over Christmas we’re all (parents too) delighted to return to a quieter normal of only 2 kids and a single parent whose attention is fully on those kids only. We notice it with grandparents too: when 6 of us descend there’s so little quiet, quality time with our parents; whereas when we visit separately you get much more (obviously).
I had found this thread because of the common misgivings about living apart together (lat?) as it seems we might stay this way until the kids are at university which I find alarming. This thread reassures me that maybe it is best and we’re lucky to have the option. We definitely get equal or better couple time lat than blending but our kids get less nuclear family time and less time with the normal dynamic of 2 adults in the house. In our separate houses, it’s a bit infantilising for them in a way - in these mini universes that revolve around them. And they miss out on hearing adult conversations as we are the only adults in the house so often. Also, we don’t see how we can get married while lat, and the idea of getting married post 60 is so depressing (I’m 40s, he’s 50s).
So, lots on my mind too. But this thread makes me less apprehensive about maybe lat until kids are out of school which looks like a possibility. For sure nothing is set in stone here but we certainly won’t be moving in for at least a few more years. The biggest issue is that his son is pretty hostile to me as he basically just wants to hang out on his own with his Dad (doing nothing). His kids would also find it very tough to move house. All 100% understandable. And I definitely feel I give up quite a bit of me which would have been directed towards my own children for his kids but sometimes it is totally unappreciated and simultaneously makes the time with my own kids less rewarding.
Blending families is definitely so much harder than you realise until you’re in it.