Move from blended living to living apart together

[practicalcat5]

Name changed for this post.
Looking for any experiences of moving from living together as a blended family to living apart as 2 households again, and whether that worked for you? Or whether that was the end.
Have had 2.5 years of trying blended living with my two DC, my DP and his two DC - all between 10 and 13. It is has not been disastrous but it is still like 2 families in one house, and obviously many, many challenges. I would hate to live apart from DP but can’t help but wonder if it would lead to more overall happiness for the children. It would be financially very difficult though - and another upheaval for everyone.
It would be helpful to hear about anyone else’s experiences of similar?

Honestly I would! Waiting around for some mythical perfect times when all the stars align, when all the kids are happy and independent, money and work situations are stable and you feel like the two of you are on track, you’ll be able to get the unicorns help you with the packing!

This made me laugh. It’s absolutely true. My husband is deluded if he thinks there will be a mythical point where it’ll all be wonderful if we can just get through all this.

Apart from anything, he’s already terrified of a 4 year old deciding they don’t want to come and stay here. And it comes through in his parenting choices loud and clear. Imagine what he’ll be like when it’s a 13 year old issuing ultimatums if they don’t get what they want. 😱

I was a bit grumpy the other night and might have responded to the 4 year old insisting that he doesn’t have to eat the crusts at his mother’s house with a muttered ‘quick! Cut them off. Or tomorrow she’ll be on the phone threatening to withdraw contact on the basis that he’s sad that he was expected to eat some pizza crust.’ He’s already elected to serve pizza, chips and beans because the same happened over their refusal to eat non-junk food. Note: crust is defined as everything except the first bite from the centre of the slice for these children.

Just an update:

I've found a house, it's perfect. Near the kids schools, their best friends live on the same street.
We move in a month! Kids are excited, they are literally counting down the days until we move and we have our own space.

Things with my partner aren't going so well, I don't think we'll make moving day together. His youngest has escalated in behaviour to the point where he can't sit and have a cup of tea with me without her screaming he's spending too much time with me.

I feel positive about it though, I just can't wait to be on my own with the kids. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at the minute. Feel like I might unravel when I move and realise the relief

That sounds very positive @fleapriest. I’m pleased you’ve got a solution to plan towards so you can feel like yourself again.

@fleapriest I’m happy that your new home is within reach. A real home - a sanctuary - a haven. Wonderful. Fingers crossed so tight you can grin and bear this next bit and maybe retain a relationship with your DP.

My DP is feeling very sorry for himself rattling about in his own home alone.

Me, am planning dd’s 18th birthday celebrations.

I’ve decided all I can do is ‘do me’.

Keep us posted, @fleapriest

Move out two weeks today, kids are really excited.
I feel quite low, not because it's the wrong decision but the realisation that my kids will never have the family unit, I'll never have that support and it's fucking hard!!

Hi everyone, goodness I’m so glad I checked in on this thread. Sorry it’s been a tough few months in my world. I decided in Jan to call it a day with my exp once and for all.

It just wasn’t working and even with the little time we were spending together he couldn’t sort himself out. Sad really but bluntly? I’m so happy away from him, his pressures, his children and his exwife.

It’s tough, it’s hard. I’m ‘alone’ again. That’s how I feel. The reality? Nothing has changed. His removal from my life has not made anything harder logistically. And my children? Are actually very happy that they don’t have to see his children. They just didn’t enjoy the time spent together.

I’ve clearly missed tons.
@fleapriest congrats on making the decision to move! I’m so glad the children are happy.
Re feeling low? It’s completely understandable. And it will fill hard. But I’m about to post something I posted on another thread here for you. I’m 3 /6 months ahead of you (granted we were never living together full time but he did spend a significant amount of time in my home).

Hang in there. I promise you it’s going to be worth it.

This is what I posted on another thread. And I mean every word of it.

I’m the same as you. Not nuclear here but god my life is so much nicer and calmer and drama free. I used to think being single would be hard but after being in a relationship with a man with young children, I now recognise what a gift a peaceful home is. It may lack a man but it is what it is. I won’t date a man with young children again. And I doubt any man minus children will sign up to a life with me a mine. I’m fine with that - like I said, the grass is not greener and I’ll take my life right now.

Let me tell you now. My life and my home are calm. And easy. And peaceful. That’s it. Zero drama. I cannot tell you how lovely it is after years of ‘my kids.’ Hang in there, keep posting. It will get easier.

@LatentPhase @practicalcat5 how are you both?

Thankyou! @sassbott that's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I'm so glad that things feel good for you, you sound like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Hopefully I'll feel this way soon, it just feels like another failure at the moment

I have had the experience where a step child moved out to live back with her Mum (she was 19) - and honestly I would have left the relationship if she hadn’t.

The relief was HUGE. Sorry to shout. But my god I hadn’t realized how stressful it had been. My older daughter also expressed big relief and I hadn’t realized how much she’d found it difficult.

My Ex got caught up in a huge drama that she left because of me etc - because I’d dared to finally ask her to stop ignoring me and my daughter and even just the odd Hello. So unfortunately it did nothing but damage my relationship. But if he’d not done that, there was so much room also to be a couple again without so much drama.

So yes, I’d definitely think about it if I were you!

@fleapriest I recognise this bit, feeling low, a ‘failure’. I went through this stage when DP went back to his home (after living together day-to-day for a year). But honestly the sadness didn’t last long. I am happy with my decision and you will be too, once your kids are in bed and you’re in your home. You’ll be Captain of your own ship. You’ve been brave and you’re going to be fine.

@sassbott I didn’t realize your relationship had continued? You sound at peace now. I hope you are. I think I’ll be where you are probably by the summer. For now, DP and I have carried on LAT. Though following the tedium of yet more ridiculous behaviour from his dd recently - and now that we are resolutely living apart, I told DP she no longer needs to set foot in my house. I feel liberated. It’s just too much. My dc don’t want her around. The weird dynamic between DP and his dd has nothing to do with me and the best thing I can do is remove myself completely now. Who knows where we limp on from here in terms of us. I have family health issues going on and simply don’t have the head space for DP/his DD.

DP can take it now or leave it. We will see.
Look after yourself @fleapriest and you are anything but a failure.

To clarify - I do have time for DP. Just not his relationship with his dd and the toxic emotional energy/baggage.

Does it work to re-compartmentalise? Who knows!

I think if either of you move out, it's over. Even if not immediately.

It doesn't sound as if you have a child together? So you've your DC, & he has his DC.

I commend you for thinking about the impact of relationship on the children tho, as so many don't. All about 'me and my man' and just expecting children who aren't related, to bond. Not that they can't, just that it's possible they won't.

I hope you find a solution that works well for you all.

I told my girls that much as I love DP, we have a peaceful home where we all know what’s expected and everyone knows where they belong. We are still in the home where I brought them home from the hospital. His dd will never ‘fit in’ to what we have, as she’s not been brought up to learn accountability or respect for others. I explained that we wouldn’t be able to expect his dd to understand how we live. And there is not a single solitary man in the world is worth risking the stability we have - me and the girls. It was an important conversation. About knowing your worth.

I expect you’re right @DeeCeeCherry that when one person moves out, the relationship is probably over, really. But, one step at a time.

I understand the failure part. I have felt it with a host of other very difficult emotions.
It’s harder to let go of ‘something’ (I think) when in my situation (divorced with children). I remember when thinking about pulling the plug for good, I immediately went to ‘will I ever meet anyone again? Does this mean I’ll be single forever? Am I better off staying in this because something is better than nothing?’

The reality? I wasn’t happy. I found his conflict with his EXW exceptionally triggering and (honestly) I think she’s a vile excuse for a human being. I don’t want to be around someone like that. I don’t want them in my life. He had no choice, but I did and do.
Then around his children? I was either anxious or irritated or some other negative emotion. I honestly have not missed his children once. It’s nothing but relief to not have to navigate him and his children. His attitude. Entitlement and simply his inability to build a life away from his children was not something I wanted to sign up to.

It’s been hard but I am happier in myself. I wake up calmer. Well rested. My life is free from the drama / arguments which 9 times out of 10 were a result of his shit with his exw. Their frustration/ projection has to land somewhere. My children are so much happier. My eldest even said (in the last week), ‘do we have to see them again?’ He followed it up with ‘I don’t mind but I’d prefer that we don’t.’

We think kids don’t notice and that they’re meddling along. But the reality? If it’s not gelling between the two adults of the ‘blended’ co-hort, then the children will likely pick up on that.
Or if there are disparities in how the children are treated. Children (well mine certainly), have a very strong sense of what is fair.

I for example have always insisted on bedtimes (even actually on holiday while they were younger, whilst later, I would get them to bed as they would still be up early the next morning). My ex? His children (despite being significantly younger) would have bedtimes virtually identical to my children. His choice, his children. But when the youngest then has tantrum after tantrum by day 2 or 3 and he says she’s ‘over excited’. No prickford, she’s overtired. Because you haven’t put her to bed at the time she should be going to sleep because YOU want to maximise your time with them and let them have ‘fun’. Not because it’s the right parenting decision to make. Heaven forbid he’s an unpopular father for insisting on bedtime.

But we would then have to tolerate said tantrums/ tears/ attention seeking behaviour (not enjoyable).
And I would get my children arguing that it wasn’t fair that children so young were staying up so late.
So his decisions caused headaches for me.

Then when I separated my children from the drama (walked away when a child was having a tantrum/ ignored it/ let him crack on with it), I was being standoffish. I would always get ‘what’s the matter with you?’. And not in a kind way. Vs. ‘I’m sorry my child is acting up, it’s not very relaxing is it? Let’s have a nice cuddle / glass of wine later. Thank you for being here. I know it’s not easy.’

The latter vs the former would have made all the difference in the world. It’s what I would say (and have done), when my children acted up when with my family/ friends, when younger. It’s what young kids do. Now? They know how to behave when with company and on the whole are nice / relaxing/ engaging kids to be around. That’s not by luck. My kids don’t want to be around kids with insecure attachments/ attention seeking behaviour - that is being pandered too.

Sorry I get the feeling this is a very long post. But one of the eye opening posts on this thread is from the poster (sorry I’ve forgotten your name) who says she lived with low level anxiety throughout her younger years as her family was ‘blended’ with another. Us vs them.

When I look back now I can remember the mornings my DC would be dropped off and the opening sentence out of their mouths were ‘is your exp’s children coming over today?’. (We would spend half a day of EOW together). They didn’t want them there but they went along with it and made the best of it To make me happy.

That’s all a lot of kids want, to see mum or dad happy. My kids would have sucked it up EOW for me. Was it what they wanted? No. They certainly didn’t want to share holidays with the children. Or anything longer than a weekend once (maybe twice) a year. But there was an us vs. them vibe.

The amount of times I walked into my main lounge and they were sat there hogging the main sofa, watching a movie together. There wouldn’t even be a ‘hey, we’re watching this, is that ok? Or did you need to watch something?’.
They would barely register my coming in. As they sat in MY house, watching MY tv. The entitlement was astounding.
I would end up moving to the kids lounge and sitting with my kids. Which would then also be greeted with criticism of causing a divide.

Honestly as I type all of this, I’m sitting here shaking my head in disbelief. That I tolerated so much more behaviour.

My point? I get you feel low. But once you’re out, you’ll be able to see what I do now. You’re doing the right thing, trust me. There is no price you can put on a peaceful, calm and happy home. That’s what our children deserve. X

@LatentPhase I had remained open to a reconciliation/ was continuing to spend with him minus all the children. I guess I was essentially trying to see if we as two adults had enough going on to stay together and thrive, removing all the children from it.

It was working for me, but it wasn’t working for him. Why? He’s dysfunctional and, currently his attachment style is insecure. He operates from a place of pure need (his). And he extends that need (entitlement) onto his children. They come as a pack, because he cannot healthy separate and boundary his emotional attachments roles. He’s a very dysfunctional person at this stage in his life.
Obsessed with this notion of ‘family’ and ‘fun’. Everything in his life is then operating to fulfilling ‘family.’ Because it’s what HE needs. That leaves very little space for what a partner needs/ wants. Or even (if I’m blunt) what his children need.

His children need 121 time with him EOW. They need to be in an environment with no anxiety/ stress. Where the adults are on the same page re parenting. They don’t need to be in a home with another woman who parents differently and competing for their dads attention with me/ my children. It’s sad, but what I was suggesting was actually the best thing for all the children. But it wasn’t what he wanted, so he basically said/ did a few things in early Jan that helped me make the decision I made.

I feel for whomever ends up with him. He’s a nice enough man. But Christ he is a mess. And very toxic due to the conflict with his ex. He should come with a warning sign. He’ll continue to break women sadly if he doesn’t change.

I contributed to this thread a few months ago and wanted to add that we are officially trying living apart together from this weekend. My DP has rented a small house for him and his children but he will live with me 50% of the time.

It seems bonkers to me - he won't have a penny left after he's paid for his rent, bills and the contribution he's giving me for living here half the time but he says it's worth it to keep everyone happy. Blending families never even came close to working and he thinks we would have split if he hadn't taken this action.

I can see so many benefits but it remains to be seen whether I can make the financial side work or whether I'll need to move to a smaller house (which would be sad as I love my house to bits and worked very hard for it).

So it's a new chapter for us. I think he has rose tinted glasses and will find it much harder than he thinks but at least he's done something positive. I love him so much and really hope we can find a new normal for us. Wish us luck!!

Why will he find it harder than he thinks? Genuinely interested. Anyway, good luck!!

I am feeling liberated from blending pressure, delighted not to be thinking about DP’s dysfunctional family. Reading books, meditating, yoga, seeing friends. All is falling into place for me.. am so much happier and should have drawn a line last summer.

@LatentPhase

Why will he find it harder than he thinks? Genuinely interested. Anyway, good luck!!

I am feeling liberated from blending pressure, delighted not to be thinking about DP’s dysfunctional family. Reading books, meditating, yoga, seeing friends. All is falling into place for me.. am so much happier and should have drawn a line last summer.

I think he'll find it harder than he thinks because he will have to work at least full-time hours in order to earn anything near what he needs to run two lives (he's self employed) while having only part-time hours available as he will have to stop work at 2.30pm half the time to pick up his kids from school. Plus I do all the cooking, washing, housework, admin etc and he is taking all of that on. It will be quite a culture shock!

@Vanillarose1 I don’t know if I misread your first post but it read like you were at your wits end and blending wasn’t working for you. Did you think you could make it work despite the concerns you had?

Running two houses will invariably be harder - financially, logistics etc. But if it was causing a real strain I hope this works out. I’m sure it’s not a decision he (or you) took lightly x

@sassbott You are right - I was at my wits end and things got even worse with his son's behaviour until eventually it was agreed that DP's children would only stay EOW and he would see them out of the house for the rest of his time during the week. It seemed to be working well but I suspect his EXW has put extreme pressure on him to find a way to make sure she has them less so this is the solution he has come up with.

As I said, I can see lots of benefits and we're committed to making it work so all I can do is see how things go. Feels like a backwards step but really there was nowhere else to go. Living with someone else's children is a very very hard thing to do and I massively underestimated it.

Oh I see @Vanillarose1. Well all I’ll say is this.
Seeing children outside the home wouldn’t be an ideal solution for many. Especially if there’s another lockdown, what would that look like? Sitting in a car? If I’m honest and this is something my ExH was doing, I would probably have words also.

The reality is that even EOW (with behavioural issues) would continue to be stressful: for everyone, especially your children. If your children are emotionally settled etc, you really do not need them to be exposed to children who are not.

I can completely understand how it feels like a huge step back, but if these challenges exist, then I honestly agree with your partner. It would lead to your relationship breaking down eventually. These arguments/ challenges around blending can really erode the core intimacy of a relationship.

Especially for NRP and especially if they take feedback on their children as criticism and become defensive. Like my exp used to do. I think leaving him to parent his children in his way, away from you is brilliant. It should remove the major stressor and allow you both to focus on you as a couple - without getting derailed re behavioural issues amongst the children.

Just keep communicating with one another. X

Just here with another update:

So I moved out last weekend, I really enjoyed the first few days. Felt abit like a holiday if that makes sense?

Reality has set in now though, I feel really tearful and sad this evening. Single parenting is so hard, I know it was hard before trying to make it work with step kids but id really forgotten how heavy the load feels on your own.

Dp came over for tea this evening once the kids were in bed, he seems really happy, like his life is completely better. He's financially better off, talking about what new car he's getting, what great things he's been doing with the kids and the birthday presents he's getting them.
(I'm aware this seems so superficial) that he's sleeping well, he's back to wanking now 🙄 and eating in bed.
He just seems to be living his financially freeing dirty bastard best life.

It just feels really shit

@fleapriest are you the op with a name change? Sorry if I've missed something.
Either way, I'm sorry you're feeling so low atm. Honestly I really do think we women have a very hard time of it no matter what road we go down. Men (generally speaking) seem to be able to get their needs met no matter what.
Your update would have me thinking that your dp is either 'bragging' because he too is feeling low, or, that he's a bit of an ass!
I think moving forward you need to make your new life as much yours as you possibly can & if he can slot into that - great.
I was out walking my dog last night & I bumped into my first serious boyfriend (think aged 17 - 20) & I spent last night thinking just how much of my life/my power I gave away to the men I was with; how much I catered to their needs & wants; how little I put myself first.
I think we women do this nearby without thinking - we're sooooo conditioned to think it's the norm.
You have taken great steps in moving out & putting what you need first. There will be days when it feels really awful but I'd say they will become fewer & fewer as you and your dc slot into a rhythm.

@MuckyPlucky

I’m in a similar yet different scenario. My DP of almost a year and I are very close, live incredibly nearby, both have our two DC’s 50-50 with our ex-spouses. If we were child-free we’d like to live together but this just isn’t on the cards for us for a few years until our DC’s have left. As families we’re fairly similar in terms of tastes, values, interests etc. However, we feel our DC’s have the right to live peacefully in their own homes with just their parent, and not to have to live with other young people they’re not related to. As we only have our kids half the week we both feel our time with them is precious and we wouldn’t want that to become time they have to rub along with another family not of their choosing.

So my DP and I are both happy with a LTA arrangement for the forseeable future: when we have the kids we do that totally separately (or occasionally we’ll meet for a quick coffee or board game), and when we’re childfree we prioritise spending that time together, cooking/sleeping/living together between our two houses equally. Our kids have almost no awareness of how ‘together’ we are as we like to keep our relationship entirely separate from our kids, and be 100% present just relaxing with our own kids in our own little houses when we have them. It truly feels perfect and I feel so lucky to have this scenario.

Sounds amazing and like the very best of both worlds. But very dependent on you both having a very similar mindset and attitude. I would LOVE something like that and I too have my children 50% of the time. I am in a fledgling relationship with someone, it's early days but I sort of know in my heart and soul that he doesnt have the same attitude as me, has dreadful boundaries with his ex, treats his children like the Second Coming etc.

@theleafandnotthetree
I think for any aspect of a relationship to work, similar mindsets and attitudes are required. For lack of a better term, I think that is called compatibility.
If someone has different yviews , mindset, or attitude they are not necessarily wrong, but they may be very wrong for you.
Your partner may view his children as the Second Coming and that is his right as a parent to parent in that way.
You recognize that you would not be happy in an environment with a parent for whom that was the parenting style.

He is not disrespecting you by his parenting style; nor are you disrespecting him by not agreeing with his parenting style. Instead, you are seeing and acknowledging an area of serious incompatibility.
Neither he nor you have the right to expect someone to become the person that you want them to be as opposed to the person that they are.

You may love the person that you want him to be rather than the person that he is. It is not a sign of failure recognize incompatibility. It is a sign of folly to recognize incompatibility and refuse to acknowledge it.
Little happiness comes from knowing that you are not a good fit and trying to force it. That is not unlike knowing that you wear a size 9 shoe but insisting that you can make the size 7 work because it is such a lovely shoe.