Move from blended living to living apart together

[practicalcat5]

Name changed for this post.
Looking for any experiences of moving from living together as a blended family to living apart as 2 households again, and whether that worked for you? Or whether that was the end.
Have had 2.5 years of trying blended living with my two DC, my DP and his two DC - all between 10 and 13. It is has not been disastrous but it is still like 2 families in one house, and obviously many, many challenges. I would hate to live apart from DP but can’t help but wonder if it would lead to more overall happiness for the children. It would be financially very difficult though - and another upheaval for everyone.
It would be helpful to hear about anyone else’s experiences of similar?

Oh dear @Whodofthunk. I take my hat off to you. Well done, it can’t have been easy at all.

@sassbott Speaking about time left with the children after divorce and the sense of loss really resonates. I have gone from being sahp pre-divorce (and so always available for my DCs) to working and only having my DC 60% of the time. That time now feels incredibly precious - and there aren’t that many years of it left. I don’t think I’m just being selfish to say I don’t want to dilute that - I don’t think the DC want that either.
I hadn’t realised how I could still live with my DC but the expectations and dynamic could change so much with others around. For example, one of DP’s DCs has become v dependent on one of my DCs. They generally get on ok, but my DC finds this dependence challenging - and I feel like I’m constantly interrupting my DP’s DC’s play date for wanting or needing to do things with my DC. Obviously my DP’s DC has needs (which I have sympathy with) - but there are some issues there that shouldn’t be falling to my DC, and indirectly to me, to address.
@thekoalassocks how have things worked out over the 18 months - how has your DP taken it - and has it improved things for you and your DC?
@Whodofthunk sounds like a brave step for good reasons. If you’ve not been in the same house too long - is it practically fairly straightforward to move apart? After 2.5 years it feels like a daunting prospect which is bound to cause upset and bad feeling, even if it is the right step.
Maybe counselling should be mandatory @Magda72 - thanks for sharing some of your counsellors advice - really interesting to read

@practicalcat5 it's worked out brilliantly tbh. DS was devastated at first. But now it's great.

DS and I get loads of good quality time together and our bond is closer because he has all my attention. My time with DP is more special because we have to plan to see each other and we miss each other between "dates". The sex is better and more frequent. I have the bed to myself on the nights he isn't here, can please myself, and plenty of time alone to relax etc. No more clash in parenting styles and DP and DS are still super close - probably closer, actually, as their relationship isn't tempered by any day to day drama. If DS has had a bad day and doesn't want to chat with me, DP will call him or pop over and he's Overall I'd recommend it to anyone! We're all really happy

I suppose the main downside is that our relationship is seen as "inferior" by the outside world. I have relatives who haven't given me a plus one to a wedding despite the fact that DP has been on the scene for many years because we don't live together. That kind of thing can hurt. But they're not living our lives so fuck 'em

From a different perspective I grew up in a house where from the outside we were a family but the reality was that we were two families living under one household, and it was really damaging in ways that i can't really articulate. So many blended families desperately try to hang on to the blended element; even when it's not in the best interests of the children involved.

@cactusisblooming

I know you said it’s not easy to articulate, but I would be really interested to know in what way this kind of divided household was damaging and what are the lasting effects?

I am not happy living as two households under one roof when stepchildren are here, then feeling happy and like one family unit when they are not here. However, I feel it would also be damaging to the children that live in this house full time if we were to un-blend and live in separate households. It feels like an impossible situation and I just try to let my husband parent his children they way he and they want and not interfere or impose my own values on them so that I can avoid conflict. (Step children and their mum made it very clear that they do not want my input at all.)

I spend the time when my step children are here just biting my tongue, staying out of it and waiting until their non-contact days so that I can relax, be myself and live my life.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the best way to make our set up work. I wonder, do some step children prefer the two households under one roof idea, as then they get all of their parent’s focus and attention and do not really have to be patented at all by their step-parent?

@thekoalassocks that is a reassuringly positive experience. Glad to hear it all worked out so well. I’ve also wondered about that downside though. No doubt DP’s ex will also see the relationship as downgraded and take the opportunity to start pushing the boundaries again. We have had so much trouble with that in the past (which def had a negative knock on effect on my DC) the thought of it flaring up again fills me with dread. No doubt it would be a chance for her to stick the boot in publicly and with family at our failure and the potential effect of that on her DC - even if we do it for the right reasons.

@cactusisblooming thanks for your perspective. A lot of the problems here are quite subtle and under the surface. It’s not like there’s huge amounts of conflict - just a sense that no one is ever quite relaxed into things here like you would expect in a child’s home. There is a sense of needing to manage things - steering around points where differences between parenting at DSC’s other house and ours might become a flashpoint, or around differences in parenting between me and DP - these aren’t even that big tbh, but even quite subtle differences can have an effect - where your responses are very thought about and not natural. I find it so depressing on occasion that I withdraw - and that is picked up by DP as me not being committed enough to building a fun family environment. I can see how children will pick up on all this - and it’s a lot extra for them to have to deal with on top of normal everyday life.
I suppose main fears in doing this are:

• it causing more grief for DCs as we move apart, have a big change, have to explain to everyone - uncertainty for them
• it causing dispute with DP leading to the end of otherwise the happiest relationship I’ve had with someone who also gets on well with my DC

‘I know you said it’s not easy to articulate, but I would be really interested to know in what way this kind of divided household was damaging and what are the lasting effects?‘
@goodthingscome @cactusisblooming I’d also be really interested to know this

For those asking, living as two seperate households under one roof has had quite a lasting impact on my until today and I know my sibling is the same. @practicalcat5, my mum would have said exactly the same as you, in the sense that the issues were subtle, but subtle does not necessarily mean less damaging than high conflict. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I didn't have a family unit, I was more in a Venn diagram where I fitted into compartments of families, but not my own family if that makes sense? There were times over the years that things got too much and my mum would talk about us moving out and inwardly I was delighted, I really would have liked it to be just us, free from the issues that came with our family 'package'. My Mum would say she prioritised us and managed our situation well but i wouldn't always agree. She put us through these subtle, low level issues in order to maintain a relationship. Do I think it was worth it? No.

WRT long term issues; on the one hand I have put up with issues in my marriage that I probably wouldn't have had I grew up in a 'normal' family for the sake of preserving my family unit. The thought of splitting up and either me or my husband going off and getting into new relationships that the children would inevitably have to navigate terrifies and horrifies me. OTOH it has caused issues in my marriage as I can't prioritise my partner's needs over my dc's - ever.

From the outside it appeared that we were a successful blended family, it just didn't feel that way at all and i used to feel jealous of friends who had step-parents and and a 'normal' family where everyone was united.

just a sense that no one is ever quite relaxed into things here like you would expect in a child’s home

Sorry missed this first time around @practicalcat5. This is exactly how it felt as a child. I remember never feeling relaxed any time I went into the house, there was always a low level of anxiety, the sort of way you might have if a lodger lived in your house and it was all a bit uncomfortable. It really was just low level stuff, my stepdad prioritized his kids in the same way my DM said she did hers (although to be fair DM was a very good SM) , so there was always a conflict of interest if that makes sense? Even small things like which 'family' held the TV remote, which I know sounds so pathetic, but it just seemed so 'us' and 'them' whilst we were to all intents and purposes a family.

Sorry, the last thing I will add is that i used to have really bad headaches and fatigue from my early teen years and despite numerous tests nothing was ever diagnosed and it just became a normal way of life. I was really shocked that they almost stopped immediately when I left home, and now i realize that it was the low level anxiety/walking on eggshells that I felt inwardly that had caused it. Living like this was stressful, but i didn't realize it at the time. It all sounds horribly dramatic, but looking back on it I do feel it was a type of prolonged trauma. Now that we all have our own children my step=siblings and I get on quite well though.

I don't have DC of my own but I did move out of our marital home for a couple of years when my DSC went through a really angry unhappy phase (due in large part to their mum's bad mouthing our household causing some alienation, I get on fine with DSC now).

DH and I are still together although we did worry at the time whether we'd stay together. However I have no doubt we'd be divorced now if we'd not had that time apart.

You and your DP might not make it if you try living separately but there's every chance you won't make it living together either...and at what cost to your DC?

You and your DP might not make it if you try living separately but there's every chance you won't make it living together either...and at what cost to your DC?

Needed to hear this tonight, as having a wobble about our circumstances. Perfectly summed up.

@Whodofthunk Sorry you're having a wobble, it's hard isn't

Just remember it's not like you're choosing to live apart where the alternative of living together would have been happy and harmonious and it was just logistics or similar that were causing difficulties. Your children need to know that their home is their sanctuary. Stay strong for them.

That is very good point @MyCatHatesEverybody but hard to keep focussed on that thought wholly when you’re going through it

Sorry, posted too soon - meant to say hard to keep focussed on that thought wholly when you’re going through it @Whodofthunk I’m sure. Really tough
Thanks for sharing what it is like from another perspective @cactusisblooming - even when things don’t look that bad, sounds like the rather contrived environment alone is pretty damaging

@practicalcat5 stay focussed on the fact your DC are going through it but are powerless to change it. I genuinely mean that in a supportive rather than snippy way. I hope my own example can give you hope that living apart after living together doesn't need to spell the end of your relationship

Sure - I agree important to keep the thoughts of the DC at the centre of it. But I imagine at the decision cliff edge, that it’s easy to start thinking things in the blended house were not so bad after all and maybe better to stick with it. So it’s really useful to hear from @cactusisblooming that you can’t really reassure yourself in that way i.e. things aren’t absolutely awful but just don’t feel quite natural - because the impact that state of affairs alone can have such a damaging effect

Wouldn't it be perfect if you could move next door to one another? I would like that, have your own space but be able to see each other a lot

DP and I live about five minutes walk apart with our respective children. I have mine full-time (no contact with their Dad) and DP has his 50/50. DP lives with us when he hasn’t got his kids, and we all (both families) spend one day together at the weekend, plus holidays etc. We’ve been together 10 years and it works well for us, despite being difficult financially, as we are each able to give our kids what they need and provide a happy and stress-free home. We are planning to get a house together when all the kids have gone to university.

I would love to have this dynamic
Our relationship has been pretty much torn apart after two of my three dcs were pretty much dumped by their mum into their dad(dh) and myself over a year ago, whilst she has not seen them since. Non stop drama with the dsc and as we are both working parents and have a 3 year old dc, it’s difficult to maintain a relationship.
Thé reason why I have decided not to go dis the living apart route is due to our dc. Otherwise would have proposed it like a shot when the dsc came in full time.

Still rumbling on with trying to work this through in my mind. I feel like I’ve let the genie out of the bottle in my head and can’t get it back in.
Have had a few initial discussions with DP which have been difficult - along the lines that I am really struggling with the blended arrangement - tbf, he could see that already and is not unsympathetic but I fear it’s an all or nothing outcome.
@sassbott wrote If he’s not on board, it may potentially be the beginning of the end as he begins to feel deeply resentful that (in essence) you are rejecting his family.
I think this is perhaps the direction we might go - that me saying I’m not sure that this is working is seen as a rejection of his DC and, by association, him.
That isn’t what it is of course, but he definitely sees the ideal as us all being a big happy family, which means me getting over all my reservations about the difficulties pretty quickly.
Ending everything feels like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. We are very happy together as a couple and I’d be devastated if we broke up.
I am worried that my own inability to roll with the punches of blended life is going to mean losing everything. And I so wish we had stayed living apart - little did I appreciate then what I was giving up. That’s not much help to me now of course.

practicalcat5

Can you not try and explain/convince him that you very much want the relationship to continue, but you're thinking of the DC and the potential long-term issues as they approach teenage years.

When they get older/leave home/go to Uni, you could revisit living together again.

OP - I really feel for you as I think you know that you can’t carry on how you are trying to blend but it’s hard to see how you can un-blend unless your dp is totally on board

Your relationship is what it is right now in the present - I can totally understand how you wish you had realised that was as good as it got previously .. but now you have moved in surely it’s almost like missing the carefree days of relationship and how do you regain those ? I am not sure it’s possible

Btw I am LTA at a pretty big distance and only in the last year (out of 4) do I see it as a blessing x good luck hon x

@SandyY2K @Emmie12345 thanks - yes, I am where I am now, things are more entangled and complicated. The untangling itself is going to be difficult - lots of potential for people to take things personally and get upset, but I think we could do it and survive if we both wanted to. I wouldn’t really see it as a failure but as adapting to the realities of the situation. But I think for him it would be a failure - mine - to make it work and be happy all together.
Just need to keep talking for now and see where I get...

This thread has been a revelation, and anyone thinking of blending families would find it thought-provoking.