Move from blended living to living apart together

[practicalcat5]

Name changed for this post.
Looking for any experiences of moving from living together as a blended family to living apart as 2 households again, and whether that worked for you? Or whether that was the end.
Have had 2.5 years of trying blended living with my two DC, my DP and his two DC - all between 10 and 13. It is has not been disastrous but it is still like 2 families in one house, and obviously many, many challenges. I would hate to live apart from DP but can’t help but wonder if it would lead to more overall happiness for the children. It would be financially very difficult though - and another upheaval for everyone.
It would be helpful to hear about anyone else’s experiences of similar?

@notthe1Parrot definitely!

For the first couple
Of years of my relationship I was desperate to blend - we couldn’t because of geography and now I am so so relieved we didn’t as am so happy with the status quo. Like some other posters who do LTA, our intimate relationship thrives and the kids are settled and have their own respective homes. So much less tension than there would be. I do get a glimpse of what it would be like at Xmas and shared holidays and whilst o enjoy them I am always happy to get back to my own home
And children .

I’m not saying this to be smug btw - it took me a long time to accept LTA especially as one poster said society really makes you feel sometimes you aren’t a legitimate relationship. Esp for example in the first lockdown ! Now thank goodness we have support bubbles .

op - keep talking to your dp. Get him on board and make it a joint decision. Keep us posted and v good luck xx

I am not sure if this is helpful, but I went from a living together apart situation with my ex and his DD (my DD and our joint DS) to separating. So we never got to the blending.

My contribution really is that the LTA situation means that you are consistently cycling through the different family forms just the same, but with times when it is just you and your DC without DP. So you get to see how much easier it is just to have your own DC. In my case, the issues were between me and DP (his DD was and is lovely) but he definitely treated my DD differently from his and our DS, which was not on.

So my point really is that the problems for me were in the relationship and not the living arrangements. Will changing the living arrangements resolve the issues or simply throw them into sharper relief?

@KatySun totally can see this

My dp is great when just him at mine with my kids and it’s fine just me with him and his kids .. I just don’t like it when it’s both of us and all the kids as he is so stressy when he’s around his kids.
I would much rather have a more casual set up than force a blend and it not work

OP.

I’ll say a few things. These sorts of honest conversations are hard. Beyond difficult. I thought long and hard before having a conversation with my ex and how honest to be. Because once certain conversations are had, they cannot be undone or forgotten.

In the end I was so desperately unhappy - I asked myself whether this was how I wanted to spend the medium term. And I realised I had no choice but to be honest and bluntly so. Without being hurtful. The subsequent conversation was without doubt one of the hardest conversations of my life (and I’m not exaggerating). I had to admit that I found his baggage incredibly overwhelming and for the sake of myself and my family, I never saw a future where we had a home together. Or more to the point, a joint home that was his children’s home. (There are a lot of issues with the EXW and the children can be and have been weaponised).
He took that so incredibly personally at first. Language around how it was rejection of his children, I had issues with his children. I was jealous, non supportive etc. He told me he could not foresee any form of a home where his children were not welcome. Which I calmly told him I completely understood. And he needed to find a new partner who would be happy to take on his ex and his children. I was not that partner and I never would be.

I had to put myself and my children (with our peaceful lives) first. It was devastating to reach the conclusion I did, but honestly? I haven’t regretted it. I know I did the right thing for us all.

He needs his time and space with his children to indulge them as he wishes. And I need my time and space to ensure my needs and my children’s needs are met. His world around his children is consumed by him and them. Expectations around them projected onto those around him, it was exhausting.

If you’d asked me 2 months ago whether we were over, I would have said a resolute yes.

What’s happened? Well with time and space (and removing myself), it seems some balance has returned. And with that balance, perspective. For him. That for children he sees EOW/ holidays etc, these are the demands he is making on a partner (and more to the point, what he is walking away from).

We are still talking and in touch. I don’t know what the future holds. But I will say this. I don’t regret the difficult conversations. I love my home away from all the tension and anxiety. My line in the sand is drawn and clear, my home will never be his children’s home. I have no expectation that his home is anything for my children. God only knows why he ever thought I should take his on.

If we get back together. It is with the blatant understanding that we each retain our own homes. His is for him and his children. No more, no less.

@emmie12345 - interesting to hear your experience - and that doesn’t sound smug, I can see how that arrangement is a good one. Looking back I wish there had been some logistical issues to slow us down...
@KatySun I think the probs would be largely resolved by changing living arrangements as they’re connected to dynamics between DC and DSC (particularly DSD and DD) - which in turn have a knock on effect on my relationship with DSC. These would be completely manageable - and I think everyone would get along a lot better if we weren’t living under the same roof and had their own space.
@sassbott thanks for sharing more about your experience - I can see how it is the hardest conversation ever - and I include the conversations I had to have with my ex-DP (father of my DC’s) about our separation in that. So much scope for things to be taken personally when someone else’s children are involved - and while they may be generally nice, that doesn’t mean the dynamics work. I am not making good progress so far - yesterday we had an argument causing me to unload some concerns - which did not go well and I don’t feel that optimistic.
There is plenty of good to salvage in all of this though - amongst all the relationships - and I honestly think they would be much stronger if we had some space from each other - for all the kids to get what they need from their actual parent - and to not force this one big happy family in which everyone is treated exactly the same ideal - that just does not sit well with me and I don’t think I have it in me to be providing what I provide to my 2 to 2 more on top of everything else.
(DSC of course already have 2 parents to do that) I’m acutely aware that before I know it my DC will be grown and flown - it’s only a few short years now until my eldest DS is 18 and he’ll be off doing his own thing. I already feel like I’ve thrown time with them away since the separation with their dad and sharing care with him as well as going back to work full time. That remaining time seems to be the most precious thing to protect but I’m really dreading the conversations and hoping I’m brave/strong enough

Well OP. My advice is have the convo when you are alone, as relaxed as possible and alcohol is not involved. Midst argument (when tensions are potentially already running high) is when things get said/ and are really not heard because the other party is on the defensive.

Keep posting, let us know how you get on. I appreciate how scary and hard the convo feels. I’m curious. Have you spoken to your children about how they feel about the living together situation? I spoke to mine (long walks during first lockdown). One said it was ‘up to me and it was ‘ok’ when they came.’ Another stayed silent (quite telling). Then my eldest was the clearest and stated that In their world it made very little difference. As part of the EOW they were with their dad (and could extend it), so the person this was going to impact was me, not them. But ultimately they all confirmed that whilst they didn’t mind my exes Dc coming, their preference was 121 time with me because it was more relaxing.

Then I thought about the reality. That EOW may be now, but how would I feel if it was more. And I knew I didn’t want it. My children didn’t either. Thinking about my kids is what gave me the strength to have the conversation.

My ex is a good guy. But nothing can compete with the EOW dynamic around children. I cannot life with that.

@sassbott

Well OP. My advice is have the convo when you are alone, as relaxed as possible and alcohol is not involved. Midst argument (when tensions are potentially already running high) is when things get said/ and are really not heard because the other party is on the defensive.

Keep posting, let us know how you get on. I appreciate how scary and hard the convo feels. I’m curious. Have you spoken to your children about how they feel about the living together situation? I spoke to mine (long walks during first lockdown). One said it was ‘up to me and it was ‘ok’ when they came.’ Another stayed silent (quite telling). Then my eldest was the clearest and stated that In their world it made very little difference. As part of the EOW they were with their dad (and could extend it), so the person this was going to impact was me, not them. But ultimately they all confirmed that whilst they didn’t mind my exes Dc coming, their preference was 121 time with me because it was more relaxing.

Then I thought about the reality. That EOW may be now, but how would I feel if it was more. And I knew I didn’t want it. My children didn’t either. Thinking about my kids is what gave me the strength to have the conversation.

My ex is a good guy. But nothing can compete with the EOW dynamic around children. I cannot life with that.

Hey @sassbott can I ask what you mean by the EOW dynamic ? The fact the dad only sees his kids EOW and is bitter about that ? X

Hi @Emmie12345. The EOW dynamic is something I have seen (and a lot of posters here seem to resonate also), that when a parent only sees their child every other weekend, it causes a deeply healthy dynamic in an otherwise healthy household.

The parent sees their child so little, they try and cram two weeks of not seeing the child into one weekend. My personal experience was that the world stopped, and everything pivoted around the children. There was then an expectation protected onto those around my partner (myself, his family) that the ‘special’ time be regarded as equally special to them. So it wasn’t enough that my exes world stopped and became all about his children, everyone else’s had to aswell.

I’m not saying he’s wrong. My exes children need focussed 121 time with him. And bluntly, how he chooses to spend his time with them is not any of my business. But it becomes my business when I’m expected to want to suddenly do xyz. Or when the dynamic in my home is expected to change because his children have arrived. (I have children of my own and my world has NEVER pivoted around them).

It’s just an intensity that nothing else can match. And because the children become the scarcity and the partner/ resident children become the abundance (because they’re available / perhaps always there), an imbalance can set in.

Where everything becomes about the children and everything else is literally - just, there.

Time and again my ex went to efforts and prioritised things that he didn’t prioritise with me. Now I’ve ended it and removed myself? I’ve become the scarcity and the dynamic has changed.

But do I want to ever live with a man in this dynamic? No. They’re screwed. As are the children. Most parents in this situation would love to see their children more than they do. The resident parents are the ones who don’t allow it.

I’ve realised in recent years that there live amongst us a deeply vitriolic/ vindictive and immoral set of parents. Those who simply fight another parent tooth and nail over child contact. The only thought that balances me is I believe in karma. And I know these parents will have payback one day.

See, with my Dd and her dad, when she goes to his house, she just fits in. I don’t get the impression that everything changes because she is there. She goes when she wants to, and when she was little, it was when he got in touch to arrange it. It used to annoy me because he was so laid back about seeing her, but actually she seems to have taken that in her stride, she knows he is not very good at organising things so she gets in touch, but when she goes over, everyone seems to get along fine and she has a good relationship with his family. It has been quite relaxed on his part, really.

I think the only person that it matters to speak to is your DP. I don't know any man personally who would willingly downgrade a relationship without leaving it altogether. He sounds like he wants to find a partner to be a part of his family not someone to run two households out of one. If your DD is being badly affected by DSD and you don't think there are any other workable solutions (including changing the contact with the other parents in order to minimise contact) I'd just break it off. All the kids have been through enough. To have to go through being told you're all still a family but living apart to the relationship breaking down which is realistically the most likely outcome is just too much drama.

I lived with my dp, our son and his two adult graduate dds. It didn't work and after two horrible years I bought a house and moved me and DS out.

The relief of being out of such a miserable environment, and the joy of being able to relax again, made me realise that dp had done nothing to protect DS or me from his daughters' spite and aggression, and I couldn't forgive him.

Once we'd escaped, I was so angry with his lack of any kind of support that I didn't trust him anymore and finished it eight months later.

But moving out was the right thing to do, regardless of the ultimate result. So good luck, I hope your outcome is better.

@sassbott ahhhh yes can totally see how that would be impossible to live with ...

My dp has his kids 40/60 and would def have that outlook if we all lived together for sure !

@Mintjulia gosh sounds awful !!

Mintjulia that sounds like how life would go for me if I moved in with DP. It’s impossible for DP to protect me/my kids from his dd’s entitled lack of respect/learned helplessness and total avoidance of real life.

DP’s dd has just been with us along with DP’s ds. They stayed for six nights. His dd sharing a room with my dd.

DP’s dd turns 20 this year. DP spoke to her while she was here, about the fact that she does nothing day to day other than sit on her computer (and has done for 5 yrs since crashing out of school). DP wants to move in properly with me/join assets. But his dd is the sticking point. Her behaviour is awful. She functions like a (lazy) 8 year old except when it suits her not to.

Because she knew what the conversation would be about, DP’s dd refused to go upstairs for a conversation with DP. She laid herself down on the sofa whining (like a small child) ‘you can’t make me go upstairs I an adult’(!)

Therefore the conversation about getting a job (her reply - ‘jobs are for people who need them’) took place in front of my kids.

Which is a good thing really. Last night, after they had gone, my dd said she basically isn’t interested in seeing DP’s dd any more.

My kids need to be protected from that nonsense.

So it’s LAT or bust for my relationship. Peace and stability for me and my kids is non negotiable.

I’m glad my dd has seen DP’s dd for who she is. Sad but nothing I can do about it.

Therefore the conversation about getting a job (her reply - ‘jobs are for people who need them’) took place in front of my kids.
Oh @LatentPhase - how is your dp explaining a response like that? Is she on benefits that she doesn't 'need' a job or is her or her dm funding her?
Good on your dd for seeing through her & I'd imagine sharing a room with her for 6 nights was hard going.

dm (who herself is a compulsive shopper) funds all the trappings of a lovely middle class life, latest iPhone, Wifi, shopping trips, entertainment, meals out.

DP opined her response re getting a job is yet another ‘excuse’

I have a different take on things - his dd is telling him loud and clear she’s no need for a job. She has all she needs! This is not rocket science, like.

I told dd and DP I’ll no longer ask dd to share her space with the spoiled baby for longer than one or two nights. That I will listen to my dd as I’m her mum.

My dd basically doesn’t want DP’s dd around any more.

Thank goodness we haven’t tried to blend.

Oh wow this is so the thread I need! In my case my boyfriend would move in and blend families tomorrow where as I have no intention of it happening. My kids are 15 and 14 where as his are 6 and 4 so like others have said, he is craving the family set up which I don’t want or need. I like that he has a small home where he can have his kids EOW and once a week and then the rest of the time be with me (sometimes my kids are here and sometimes not but they are so independent they don’t really take up time or energy). As others his ex is a complete nutter too and messages all day every day and I simply can’t be a part of that constant battle. He is just about able to switch off and ignore her when he is here (after a lot of help from me) but she is still a constant and I can’t be dealing with that. Not sure what I will do in a few years time. I just keep on hoping he doesn’t push the issue .....

@sassbott I actually can’t believe how much you sound like me in terms of what you want from a partner, your style of parenting, wishes of your other half, his crazy ex .... very very interesting! EOW I have my kids and he has his. He wants to bring his over and all of us to spend time together but I honestly have no desire to do so. I see him EOW with no kids and we have an awesome time. Perfect set up for me. Doesn’t help that his ex always takes the kids to her boyfriends on her weekends with them and he seems to think it’s a bit of a competition ...

Aye, these men who are trying to create ‘one happy family’ by pushing bloody great square pegs through round holes. It’s not a comfortable fit and it’s not ‘one family’.

My exes EXW is engaged (she claims not) and co habiting with her fiancé. From what I can tell this man has absolutely no life (or balls) and his whole life now pivots around my exes children and EXW. Where handovers happen away from the school (like holidays) he’s there. School events (when they could go to a different showing of a play. He’s there. Parents evening. He’s there.

It absolutely magnified the pressure on me to ‘show up’. I told him he was as bonkers as the woman he had married if he thought I wanted to sit through more nativities / school plays having barely tolerated my own children’s.

It absolutely at one point became about competing vs. Actually focussing on the children’s needs (they didn’t want me there) and my needs (I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go his children’s school plays).

I took one big step out of the whole mess. and I don’t miss any of it one bit. I miss him. And I may well try again with him. But any substantial involvement with his kids? Completely off the table - ever.

@LatentPhase Yes! The "one big happy family" thing does often seem to be driven by the men.

We've "blended" but it's not easy and I don't enjoy it. I'll stick with it but I'd be lying if I said I didn't fantasise about them moving out

I have no desire to be one big family, and he knows that. I look after and care for his kids as I need to but they're not my responsibility. We have a child together and I almost see myself as having two families - me and my children and then him and our child.

Hats off to you for considering this as I know it can’t be easy.

I know how hard it is, I have an 8 year old who I have 50% of this time and my fiancé has a 9 year old who he gets on the weekend. Our clash became apparent with our different parenting methods for me whilst under the same roof both boys will be treated the same with the same expectations, that would mean they both tidy up after themselves, however my fiancé is a Disney dad as unlike me doesn’t see his son as mush so initially didn’t agree with me at all in fact it came to a head when we had a child free night and it ended in a blazing argument.

However I refused point blank to back down, I didn’t want my son to think there was rules for him but not on a Saturday when the ss comes!!

So after another chat I explained my reasonings to my fiancé who apologised and understood that in-fact both boys should be treated the same.

It took time but if you can’t work together and agree on this it will slowly eat away at you and destroy your relationship.

I remind my fiancé that in years to come our sons won’t be around or interested in us so we need to work as a team and stick together.

It’s easier for me in the sense that my ss only comes for a short time but I’m not sure how it would have panned out if my fiancé had 50% of the care like I have my son!

[quote Emmie12345]@KatySun totally can see this

My dp is great when just him at mine with my kids and it’s fine just me with him and his kids .. I just don’t like it when it’s both of us and all the kids as he is so stressy when he’s around his kids.
I would much rather have a more casual set up than force a blend and it not work[/quote]
Yes this!

Our set up is the same, when both boys are together it’s mental!! And without sounding like a wicked witch I prefer when his son is not here.

‘...if he thought I wanted to sit through more nativities / school plays having barely tolerated my own children’s’

haha! Yes to this!

I think the mistake some men make is they want to replace that mother figure in the home. Like our presence (as step mums) makes up for the absent mother and patches up a hole nicely. It’s a mistake. Expectations are then way too high and nobody wins.