Move from blended living to living apart together

[practicalcat5]

Name changed for this post.
Looking for any experiences of moving from living together as a blended family to living apart as 2 households again, and whether that worked for you? Or whether that was the end.
Have had 2.5 years of trying blended living with my two DC, my DP and his two DC - all between 10 and 13. It is has not been disastrous but it is still like 2 families in one house, and obviously many, many challenges. I would hate to live apart from DP but can’t help but wonder if it would lead to more overall happiness for the children. It would be financially very difficult though - and another upheaval for everyone.
It would be helpful to hear about anyone else’s experiences of similar?

Really interesting reading all these posts and how many comments resonate. I know a couple of others step-parenting in rl - but not well, and their circumstances are quite different, I had no idea how common some of my own issues/feelings were

Aye, these men who are trying to create ‘one happy family’ by pushing bloody great square pegs through round holes. It’s not a comfortable fit and it’s not ‘one family’.

The talk of pushing square pegs into round holes really resonates - as does the talk of one big happy family - when I just don’t think it’s like that.

I’ve not summoned up the strength to have the conversations yet - the last few weeks have been rather gruelling for unrelated wider family reasons, and now we have school closures from tomorrow - and all the kids off school and here at one time or the other over the next few weeks - I don’t feel ready to start the discussions yet and deal with the fall out at this point. But in the meantime will be inwardly digesting your advice/comments and considering how best to broach the topic when I feel up to it.

if you can’t work together and agree on this it will slowly eat away at you and destroy your relationship.

I can see this happening - already feeling pretty frustrated at and resentful of the pressure on me to be the happy and constantly-giving ‘mother hen’ and it is seriously affecting my mood.

I have had some discussion with my eldest DC who finds the current arrangement both irritating but also a lot of fun at times. The main thrust though is that they are coming here for time with me - and they find that hard to get when DSC are also around.

I don't know any man personally who would willingly downgrade a relationship without leaving it altogether. He sounds like he wants to find a partner to be a part of his family not someone to run two households out of one

This resonates to some extent, although I don’t not think we can be a family, just that it can’t be like a normal family where the children are children of the two adults in the home. I also think there might be somewhere in between running 2 households out of one, and trying to act like you’re one family. But of course it’s fair enough that he takes that approach if we are both looking for different things. I hope not - but I need to be ready for that I know.

@practicalcat5 I sometimes read threads on this board where posters respond with ‘in a nuclear family xyz would happen, why should it be any different?’

My standard response from here on in will be to say that from now I am going to start the spending patterns of a billionaire. And when I get into debt and am in deep arrears with the bank, I’ll respond ‘well if I was a billionaire this is what I could do, what’s the problem?’

I think anyone reading that last comment is thinking how ludicrous. Yes it is ludicrous. I shouldn’t even contemplate spending like a billionaire because I’m about as far away from that as could be imagined. Yet in my book if I did make a stupid comment like that, it’s up there with ‘well in a nuclear family it’s how it would work.’

Well we’re not in nuclear families.
I’m not a billionaire.
So to assume a step family should operate as a nuclear family is about as stupid as my assuming I can operate in a fantasy world financially. Facts are facts.

Different families and children with different parents cannot be smushed together as one. They are not anything close to the set up of nuclear families. The problem (from what I can tell certainly on these boards) seems to stem predominantly from the men. Who are desperate to recreate that nuclear set up but with a different woman. Not understanding that it simply doesn’t work like that.

Some women in turn (and I include myself in this when I first met my ex) actually fall into this ‘pressure’ and naively assume it can work. My only experience pre my relationship with my ex was one of a nuclear family so I had no experience of anything different. Now? Now I have my lessons learnt. And am super clear on how involved I would ever become with someone else’s children/ try and set up a happy home (I wouldn’t). The pressure stems both from the men and (if Im truthful), society. As women we should step up and ‘provide and nurture’. If we cannot or don’t want to, then somehow something is wrong or missing with us.

I’ve lost count of how many times my ex tried to insinuate that there was something wrong with me, that I didn’t want to step up and play this role with his children. I don’t blame him, no doubt in his ear were his family. And in front of him his ex paraded her new man (ballless wonder) playing happy families with his children, so why couldn’t I?

So I don’t blame him for feeling the way he does.
I keep posting on these boards to give perspective and strength. I wish I had had posters like me posting years ago. I had spent years beating myself up and deeply frustrated with myself for feeling the way I felt. Feeling very much like something was broken in me. The truth?

Nothing is or was broken. I had every right to feel the way I did and absolutely every right to prioritise my needs and those of my children. Because if I didn’t, who would? My ex certainly wouldn’t have done. His children and their needs would have been shoved down my throat. And I would have been broken.

For the first time in 4 years Op, I’m content beyond measure. My kids and I have a happy calm home and a peaceful life. Making the decision I made and having those convos were so so hard. But I’m 6 months on from those convos, and not a day goes by that I am not grateful about the fact that I have drawn a line in the sand re my exes children.

I love him. But if he turns to me and says he wants a partner more involved and wanting to set up home. I will wish him well and send him on his way with huge amounts of love. Because he does deserve to be happy. But so do I. And I cannot be happy with his children in my home. It’s that simple.

I will add. I owe no one any explanations for feeling that way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. (Some posters on these boards would like to make me think that I should be stoned/ burnt at the stake for feeling this way). My response? Why? My exes children are not my children and I owe them absolutely nothing. My own children however? They were my choice to bring into this world and therefore I owe them being a clear priority. Over and above someone else’s children. Financially, emotionally and physically. My children are the only children I ‘owe’ anything to.

If anything, what I’m doing is far more ‘normal’. We are designed as parents to put our own offspring first. Make us feel that our offspring are second class citizens when someone else’s children are there? Sheer stupidity.

The only thing I’m even slightly embarrassed about is that I tolerated my exes rhetoric for so long. And even slightly internalised that I was the problem or that my feelings were ‘wrong’. Now I can see that they were (and are) entirely normal. The ‘wrong’ was my ex. Completely and utterly.

@sassbott

I will add. I owe no one any explanations for feeling that way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. (Some posters on these boards would like to make me think that I should be stoned/ burnt at the stake for feeling this way). My response? Why? My exes children are not my children and I owe them absolutely nothing. My own children however? They were my choice to bring into this world and therefore I owe them being a clear priority. Over and above someone else’s children. Financially, emotionally and physically. My children are the only children I ‘owe’ anything to.

If anything, what I’m doing is far more ‘normal’. We are designed as parents to put our own offspring first. Make us feel that our offspring are second class citizens when someone else’s children are there? Sheer stupidity.

The only thing I’m even slightly embarrassed about is that I tolerated my exes rhetoric for so long. And even slightly internalised that I was the problem or that my feelings were ‘wrong’. Now I can see that they were (and are) entirely normal. The ‘wrong’ was my ex. Completely and utterly.

Totally agree!!!

I feel the same way. My son is my priority and i just can’t feel the same for my oh son. I treat him the same when he visits which is for only the one day and for me that’s enough... as selfish as that sounds.

Maybe I should be burnt at the stakes with you 😂😂

I am so glad I’m not the only one. Absolutely agree with feeling the pressure. Bf’s ex takes the kids to her new boyfriends every weekend she has them and all 5 of them (including nee boyfriends child) have a lovely time together. So my bf can’t understand why he can’t bring his kids to me when he has them. I just don’t want him to. My kids are older and I have a great time with them. I don’t need someone to help out, I don’t need someone to take the pressure off me and I do t want to spend my weekends building lego, and constantly asking people if they’re hungry and not being able to watch adult tv. I’ve done all that. I think he kind of knows we won’t live together in the traditional sense, at least not until kids are grown up, and I know that makes him a bit sad, but they are his kids and he’s a great dad so I just try to encourage him to enjoy his alone time with them

Some women in turn (and I include myself in this when I first met my ex) actually fall into this ‘pressure’ and naively assume it can work. My only experience pre my relationship with my ex was one of a nuclear family so I had no experience of anything different.

I think this is also me. Like you say, your only previous experience is nuclear family, so you’re conditioned to think that’s the best/only way to go, especially if your DP is pushing it.

^The pressure stems both from the men and (if Im truthful), society. As women we should step up and ‘provide and nurture’. If we cannot or don’t want to, then somehow something is wrong or missing with us.

I had spent years beating myself up and deeply frustrated with myself for feeling the way I felt. Feeling very much like something was broken in me.^

I also agree with this. I am feeling like I’m the one with the problem, not able to give or love enough.

I may not have actually put my feelings into words or actions in rl yet, but I can’t tell you how much the advice and comments on this thread have helped me to start to look at things afresh, get my head more in order and not feel like I’m failing. Please keep posting on this board @sassbott and others. It is so important to get the perspective of people who have actually lived this rather than just the ‘you knew what you were getting into’ brigade. Of course no one really does until they have lived it because there is no other set up like it - and even then each step-family set up is different depending on age of kids/exes/personalities and expectations of all involved.

I think the best way to frame it is that living separately is a temporary step, to allowing steps forward where the focus of the relationship would be the 2 of you, rather than the kids....as they would be older by then and less dependent on you both.

Do you think he realises how his DD leans on your DD? Unfortunately people can often be so defensive of their DC and not see this kind of thing...added to the fact that men on the whole are not as intuitive.

The separate homes will allow you to focus on your individual kids and you can still come together from time to time.

I know it's easier said than done

@LatentPhase

Therefore the conversation about getting a job (her reply - ‘jobs are for people who need them’) took place in front of my kids.

So who is she planning to live off for the rest of her life?

@SandyY2K - she’s planning to live off mum and dad, quite frankly. She has them tiptoeing around, worried about her ‘helplessness’. I can see it going on for the rest of her life, possibly. She clearly has no wish to discuss it or change things (and why would she if it’s enough for her).

Her mum doesn’t seem to mind. And if her dad doesn’t want to put up too much of a fight against it that’s fine by me, as long a we never share a home - because it’s alien to me and my dc.

LAT is fine by me. The longer we go on/the more entrenched and appalling her behaviour is the happier I am with it.

DP is coming around to the fact that LAT is better, possibly, and that we can remain happy and committed. Our relationship is great. He may buy a property much nearer to me.

He is free to make his choices with his dd and I think that’s key - for us all.

Also now that my dd has said she doesn’t particularly want to see her any more (prior to this Xmas she liked spending time with her) there’s even less need to put on a ‘front’ of blendedness. So less pressure for me.

My kids are older and I have a great time with them. I don’t need someone to help out, I don’t need someone to take the pressure off me and I don't want to spend my weekends building lego, and constantly asking people if they’re hungry and not being able to watch adult tv. I’ve done all that

I don't understand how someone with young kids would not get this tbh. It feels like you've got your freedom when you're not responsible for getting people's food, bathing them, sorting out their clothes, helping with homework etc etc

Having done that with your own DC...there's no appeal in a journey down memory lane.

There was a thread recently where the OP said her DP wanted to take his kids on holiday (without hers) because they wouldn't be able to do the activity....people were saying that's a sacrifice he has to make in a blended family, that his kids should no longer be able to do their own holiday with him (as hers couldn't do it and would be resentful) but I don't agree his kids should miss out.

The main issue was that he said her DS didn't behave himself/his behaviour (he has ASD), and sounded like it wasn't said very nicely, but I do think if the genders were reversed more posters would have been on her side.

Agree it’s hard on the kids. My two are happy my bf being here but because his 2 are younger, if they come over they are so excited and want to play with them the whole time (his not mine) which isn’t fair on my 2. But free babysitting for him ... I chose my bf but they didn’t so not fair to expect them to accept the change and have to give up their free time (of which they get hardly any) to play with his kids ...

Yep I feel my oh always prefers that my oh is there when his son comes and it’s mainly because they play all day and he can chill out. They get on which is great but I can see right through my oh 😂

I mean prefers it when my son lol

@LatentPhase

@SandyY2K - she’s planning to live off mum and dad, quite frankly. She has them tiptoeing around, worried about her ‘helplessness’. I can see it going on for the rest of her life, possibly. She clearly has no wish to discuss it or change things (and why would she if it’s enough for her).

Her mum doesn’t seem to mind. And if her dad doesn’t want to put up too much of a fight against it that’s fine by me, as long a we never share a home

I don't get it. Why would anyone enable their child like this. Not sharing is best as I can imagine it's exceedingly irritating to see such laziness.

Parents should guide their DC to be independent and become fully functioning adults.

Unless my child had a disability, learning difficulties or other special needs, I'd be embarrassed about the situation.

I see people like this in the TV show Rich kids go skint but their parents are extremely wealthy and they can afford to buy a flat for their young adult DC to live in.

@SandyY2K - even if my child had a learning disability, other disability, etc. I’d still not enable them to live like this. I would enable them to live ‘to the best of their ability’ in some meaningful way.

Exceedingly irritating indeed. Hopefully this year my household will have less involvement with her and we can continue in LAT peace. Resolving the ‘to blend or not to blend’ issue is nice. And stops DP and I from lurching from one plan (move in) to another (Dont).

@LatentPhase

@SandyY2K - even if my child had a learning disability, other disability, etc. I’d still not enable them to live like this. I would enable them to live ‘to the best of their ability’ in some meaningful way

You're absolutely right on that score and I agree that helping them to do their best and stretching their potential is much better.

This thread has been an amazing read and so helpful.

My partner and his children moved into my house 2 years ago. We both have 50/50 custody. From the start it was clear that he wanted us all to be one family. I realised very quickly that was never going to happen. Our DCs are similar ages but are from different universes personality wise and our parenting styles are miles apart. I want discipline and thrive on routine, he'd have his kids up until midnight every night if it was up to him.

These differences have become like water torture - a slow drip of annoyances and aggravation. No-one is happy and I related so strongly to the posts above about low level anxiety. No-one is relaxed.

I can't do it anymore. We started talking about him moving out last year but he couldn't make it work financially so I just sucked it up.

This new lockdown has brought everything to the fore. The thought of them being here all day and night for half the week without the break of school made me feel like I was suffocating. I feel awful for him - he's a sensitive type and is more like a mother to his kids but I just can't do it anymore.

We have to find a way to create two households. I'm terrified of losing him - he's the best man I've ever met. But living like this isn't good for any of us, we're all miserable.

I feel like it's all my fault - I seem to have more of a problem with it than anyone else and I wish I could just play happy families. But I can't see a way through.

Sorry to hear that it’s not working for you all. Is there any way you can live as two households under the same roof. Pretend you aren’t living together and have days when he is with just his and you just with yours and then days when you all come together? Sorry I know practically that’s probably impossible. Then when his kids aren’t there you can at least relax a bit as a couple too.

How old are the dc, @Vanillarose1 ? It sounds really stressful.

There’s nothing wrong with you, boundaries for kids are just basic parenting. I hope you can start making steps towards and less stressful setup. Home has got to be a place where you can relax. That too is basic. And if you make a transition, I hope your relationship survives

Thanks @LatentPhase. My DC are 7 and 9, his are 11 and 8. So probably too long to grit my teeth and bare it!!

Painful conversations will be had over the next few days!

Oh @Vanillarose1 please don't feel bad. Your post really resonated with me.
I'm a very free spirit in myself but a fairly disciplined parent & the lack of routine my exdp's dc had used to really stress me out also. When they would be with us me, exdp & my kids would be up, showered & ready to tackle the weekend by 11/11:30 while his would still be in bed. We'd be making lunch while his would be roaming around unwashed, eating cereal. It was really hard to deal with & my dc found having their space taken up by 3 people who would literally sit on the sofa all day playing video games very stressful & none of us could relax.
But somehow, it's the routined parent & children who are made out to be unreasonable & inflexible - not the ones who see nothing wrong with doing nothing productive or constructive all weekend!
I honestly think blending is impossible unless both parents have similar parenting styles. In my case exdp & I were very similar but we were battling the parenting style of his dc's dm & exdp didn't always like rocking the boat. My exh, his dw & I are more or less on the same page with parenting & my dc's sm often comments on how easy it is having my dc in their house, & this is purely down to the fact that rules are basically the same in both houses & my dc have been taught to respect their sm.
Splitting from my dp was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I honestly don't think any relationship is worth feeling stressed out in your own home.
I hope you can make it work & that if you do LAT you both enjoy your child free time together.

@Vanillarose1 I could literally have written your post, almost word for word. Lockdown makes it so much harder. I just can’t bring myself to think about the weeks ahead. Boundaries, discipline, personalities, DP you don’t want to lose - and the guilt of feeling like the one with the problem - wishing you could be different. I hope the conversations you need to have go ok - and that you come to a solution where you can continue the relationship but also get some much-needed space

The trouble I find is my lo stays with me and my oh about 50% of the time. He’s 8 going on 15 lol and he can be wild, but not out of control he’s a normal behaved 8 year old. when oh son comes for 1 day in the week butter doesn’t melt with him because he isn’t comfortable enough with us all so my son gets told off non stop whilst his son sits back and laughs!

This has caused my oh and I to have disagreements too as I often hear his lo egg my son on as my son just wants to show off and please both my oh and his son. My oh son is 9 so both similar in ages.

My oh gets annoyed at my son not listening and being loud/showing off when his son is there, I understand him however my oh needs to understand that’s what it’s like when you have a family/full time son!

His son wouldn’t say boo to a ghost and I feel for oh having this disillusion on what parenting is. He thinks his oh is an angel! 🤦‍♀️

Reading this thread has helped me to understand the dynamic in our house and the problem of different parenting styles & expectations - in this case of 20 something DSCs eg no one in my family has ever stayed in bed till the afternoon & become semi-nocturnal. Equally I am not used to adults not doing anything to support the operation of the household & never offering to help ever...

It was not the plan to live together but COVID & the graduate job market has meant that we are doing so for the foreseeable... when lockdown ends I think it is best that I live elsewhere and I hope I will be able to have the conversation calmly & without completely ending my relationship with DP...

Fingers crossed for you ... this weekend is my and bf’s respective weekends with our kids. Yet again he said his boys have asked to come over to spend it with me and my kids. I feel so horrible saying no and it’s not that I don’t like his kids, but they are young and it feels like I have to entertain them and can’t just do my own stuff. And my kids don’t want to spend their weekend playing with two young kids either. They don’t get much down time so I feel bad if they have to sit playing Lego. It’s rubbish and I feel horrible and I would love to spend my weekend with them but my weekends with my two are so easy and relaxed ... and it’s not because he can’t cope - he does a great job - but I know it would be easier and nicer for him and his 2 to come here ...