Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

Sorry, should have said, I think we should tell them we work change the dates to another time, perhaps December. Tbh he says they are looking forward to it but they haven't mentioned anything since the spring about it and it's not like we can do anything with them anyway!

I'm afraid I think YABU purely because you knew you'd be having the kids for this holiday before you were pregnant.

Okay, I get you could not have foreseen the sickness (must be horrid for you) but many many families cope with difficult pregnancies & existing children (half or full siblings).

The fact that the ex does not work should not come into your reasonings. Presumably you knew that about her before starting your family with her ex.

I would still have them to stay, but with everyone’s understanding that you’ll be staying in bed and your bedroom needs to stay pretty much out of bounds to everyone else to allow you to sleep/relax/throw up in peace. Set yourself up with a tv and anything else you need in there. Your DH can look after the children, he shouldn’t need your help.

If he won’t put it back a bit then DH will have to keep them away from you for the most part, and do all the care for them.

I couldn’t bear other humans around me when I had severe morning sickness, all the motion and breathing, of course I had the sense of smell of a blood hound so could practically smell what they’d had for dinner the night before. I would not have relished young kids being in my space and would have promptly vomited quite violently. This included my own baby DS so definitely not a step child thing.
It will probably be unpleasant for the kids too, with you being out the picture and hearing you vomiting at all hours of the day and night.
How do you think DH would enjoy the above scenario? The only person who really gains anything from it is his ex. Is she the most important person here? Does she know how I’ll you are? Would she really be so unreasonable as to put all of you through this for no actual reason, rather than postponing?

Having HG is horrible, I do sympathise, I’ve been there. But if you had your own DC with your DH already, you’d still have to function on some level and have children in the house then.

I think if your DH is adamant they should stay then he can take some time off to look after them. It doesn’t sound like you’re well enough.
I know this is missing the point but I think it’s a bit sad that she was going to go to Disney without her kids.

You're absolutely not awful for feeling the way you do, OP.

When circumstances change, agreements can change as well – if the people involved are interested in taking care of one another.

Is your DH happy to do all the childcare?

Surely this is up to your DH to organise and facilitate as if you weren't there. If he needs childcare as working then he needs to adjust times/dates or arrange someone. If you have to go back into hospital you won't be around anyway, and even if you don't, you're not in a fit state to look after what is essentially someone else's kids. Just take yourself out of the equation and if you're well enough for some time with them then that's a bonus, if not he already has things put in place?

I’m just so confused that she was going to go Disneyland without her kids?!! Surely you’d take the older one at least if younger too young to appreciate it.

I’ve always wanted to go from when I was a child, my dd is nearly 2 I’ll be waiting until she’s like 12/13 then I’ll be going with her!

I can't really get over the fact she was going to Disney land without her children?! But anyway that's not what you asked.. I do understand how hard it is with your sickness I've been there.. but it shouldn't change plans with your SC. It does however mean that if the expectation was for you to collect them from school and that's not manageable then your husband needs to problem solve that one! It's difficult because you feel so crap.. but I always try and compare it to what I'd do if they really were my children.. I'd have no choice but to manage.
I hope your sickness settles soon and you start to feel better x

Change the plans... the circumstances CHANGED ... for Her and You .. She isn't going anywhere...

and I agree.... what kind of Mother tells her 4 kids SHE is going to Disney World... without them ?!

Re: Disney. She fucking loves it, goes every year without them.

@LizzieMacQueen I mentioned her not working to show she has nothing tying her to not having the kids if that makes sense. Now lockdown is in she will just be at home doing nothing, while I'm throwing up 30 times a day and in and out of hospital.

You can say 'if they were your own you would have to' Yes I would. But, as is pointed out to stepparents on a regular basis here, they are not, and there is a perfectly fit, healthy and available other parent to have them, plans have changed, she's not going anywhere now.

To be clear, the plans havent changed just because I've got HG, but because the lockdown means she is not going away. Were it not for the HG obviously I'd still have them, as we do whenever they ask, as I said I love their company.

@user1493413286 DH isnt adamant, he is just spineless when it comes to her.

Theres been a bit of a development anyway. Turns out he DID ring her on monday, when I was in hospital, to ask her to be reasonable, that I was in hospital and that, now she wont be going away, we should really rearrange. Well she said no. And in fact he moved it forward a day because she asked. So from tomorrow (when we'd be having them this weekend anyway) we will be having them for the whole two weeks.

Not sure when he was planning on telling me this. We've had a massive argument, I'm in my car, keep being sick in a carrier bag.

I can't stop crying.

Of course this should mean normal arrangement resume. She doesn't work, doesn't have them 40% of the time and they are all at school, it's not like she would be desperate for a break from them.

What's her reasoning for not having them as normal?

@dontdisturbmenow I dont know. She hasn't given one. We had them all through lockdown because she was happy not to have them back so shrug

All I want is for DH to grow a backbone with her. She does these things because she knows she can get away with it with him. I'm over it. I've left him at home and said I need time to think.

If ever there was a time when your needs should come first, it’s now.
Poor kids, too, they have two utter twats for parents

She goes to Disney without her kids? Is she a bit simple or something?

It’s not her fault that you’re pregnant.

But it’s also not up to you to look after your step kids. Your DH needs to organise the care for them.

Hope you feel even just a little better soon.

It’s not her fault that you’re pregnant.

what a bizarre thing to say ... 🤔

She was going to Disney Florida without her children?

Wow mum of the year award goes to her! And people are picking on the OP.

If your DH is working I’d just say no you’re not looking after them. Get their terrific mum to do it instead.

It’s not her fault that you’re pregnant.

It’s not the op‘s fault that covid exists and the holiday has been cancelled, making the mum available to have her own children.

@funinthesun19 @Anoisagusaris I cannot explain how obsessed with it she is. I think it's a 'princess/happy ever after' complex.
The kids have been, I think 2 or 3 times, but as I said every year she goes without them for 3 weeks.

I have some.serious thinking to do. This has been a constant narrative of our relationship, his inability to say no to her, usually I just suck it up (I had a awful accident, fell 8 feet, broke my back and still the day I was discharged in a back brace we had them for a week because again he couldn't stand up to her) so this isn't the first time and won't be the last. I love the kids very much, but they aren't mine and have a perfectly capable mother who will pawn them off to us at the slightest inconvenience to her, so I am not surprised by her behaviour, why would she change when she has DH agreeing to it all the time? I don't blame her. I blame DH.

I blame both, OP. He’s a big problem but so is she. They’re both as bad as each other - No respect for you and just expect you to roll with it all the time. No doubt you do a chunk of the childcare too, which his ex will know full well while she’s sat at home. So it’s her as well as him.

I think the Disney obsession to that extent is sad. Clearly her partner is under the thumb as he’s paying for it if she’s not working. Unless he’s just as bonkers as her.

DH is having his children, HE can make plans to look after them, do the school runs, cook for them & clear up after them. He needs to adjust his working hours to accommodate this. You have been signed off from your own paid employment. This sicknote states "you are unfit to work". This does not mean you are available for the unpaid work of looking after his children. If he cannot take the time off then he needs to sort out childcare, pay for it if need be.
You have made it perfectly clear you like having them and this is not a "wicked stepmother" situation. But at this time it is not unreasonable to put yourself first. You are not only feeling physically unwell, your hormones and emotions are through the roof. Their mother is being incredibly selfish, and so is your husband. Would he have put her in this situation?

As pp said above, you need to be able to have your own space to feel fragile. I had sickness & nausea continuously through pregnancy, and the "super smell", I feel for you.

Sympathies OP.
Mum doesn't sound like a very nice person.
I can't imagine choosing just not to see your kids for 2 weeks and knowing you're putting an unwell pregnant woman into looking after them while you do bugger all.
So, assuming that no spine is forthcoming, is there anyone else who can give you a bit of support, maybe be on hand to take you to the hospital?
DH will presumably be taking time off to look after his kids in the circumstances?