Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

@SoloMummy did you actually read the thread?

They are here now! As it is our normal weekend contactt! I haven't changed that.
This was about not being happy that ex wife gets a break for no reason now she is not going away and I have HG. And where you've got that i resent them when all along over said I adore them and have a great relationship god only knows.They've been putting homemade Get well soon cards under my door, So sorry but your wicked stepmum narrative doesn't work here, nice try though.

@Youseethethingis Thank you.

@echodot I do, but it's hard with lockdown at the moment. I need to get out of here though.

Anyway he says he has spoken to her and explained the situation and she was fine and agreed. (Aside from the ridiculous CMS stuff) so they will be going back as planned on Monday and we have rearranged for two weeks in december when things are back open etc.

What annoys me though is that it didn't need to be like.this. if he had just done that from the start we wouldn't be here. It's a constant problem. He doesn't own it, I end up feeling taken advantage of and that he prioritises her, we have an argument, and only then does he act, all the while it being only because I said something. It was the same with my broken back, it was the same when she wanted my wage to be taken into account (putting aside for a moment that I do actually spend a shit ton on them of my own money), it's been the same since we got together.

She's very dense because she doesn't realise if me and DH separate the kids would genuinely be devastated, I'm not just saying that, it would be a great sadness for them. But she doesn't seem to care about that and why would she when DH has let her get away with it for years.

@SoloMummy
I still say both the parents of these kids are selfish twats. Not what I’d want to be teaching my children or a message I’d want to be sending to my spouse. But you do you

Jeez, those poor kids have a shit mum! She leaves them every year for three weeks because she wants to be a princess but when that's cancelled and you're suffering, she still wants shot of them!!! Poor little buggers. No wonder they love being with you.
I'd thrash it out once and for all with your husband because he's acting like a spineless fool.
Hope you feel better soon

It is utterly ridiculous that you should be having them full time when you are ill. Your dh should be telling her this. I would actually be ringing her myself, telling her that you are very ill and have just come out of hospital and that no you won't be able to look after them full time.

It's unfortunate op has hg, but as a previous hg sufferer of 37 weeks, I can still say, life goes on.

Yes it does. But once again common sense should be used.
Why should the children be looked after by the op who has HG while the mum is at home and perfectly capable of looking after HER children herself?

I know children are cared for by their stepmums and I’m not minimising their role at all, but contexts such as this one are just a clear example of when the mum should be doing it instead.

@funinthesun19 thank you. It appears once again stepmums get the short straw in every situation, no matter what they do.

Worried for the step kids, want to see them more? You're overstepping, you're not involved, back off

Want a break from them for genuine reasons? YOU ARE A FAMILY! IF THEY WERE YOURS YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CHOICE

@funinthesun19

It's unfortunate op has hg, but as a previous hg sufferer of 37 weeks, I can still say, life goes on.

Yes it does. But once again common sense should be used.
Why should the children be looked after by the op who has HG while the mum is at home and perfectly capable of looking after HER children herself?

I know children are cared for by their stepmums and I’m not minimising their role at all, but contexts such as this one are just a clear example of when the mum should be doing it instead.

This 3 week block isn't a holiday as such, it's quite simply the children staying in their other home. It is not unreasonable that a split couple of longer blocks of time with their children and what the "absent" parent does or does not do at this time is their business. In this case, if the op has hg, she's unlikely to be in any different a position in December and let's get real, lockdown is unlikely to be lifted either. And why is it so difficult to manage their needs next weekend as well, given they will be at school all day so only need breakfast, dropping to and collecting from school, feeding in the evening. No matter how the op now tries to spin it, she's not thinking about their needs and the fsct they'll have been looking forward to seeing their dad for 3 weeks. And let's face it, she then threatens divorce! Op has an issue with the fact that her husband has an ex who will be in their lived until the youngest is at least 18...probably the duration.

Want a break from them for genuine reasons? YOU ARE A FAMILY! IF THEY WERE YOURS YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CHOICE
In my case, baby DS, then aged 6 months spent a few nights with my parents when I was in the thick of severe morning sickness with DS2. I couldn’t do anything for him, barely had the strength to lift him, DH was WFH but couldn’t do that and look after the two of us. DS is still my family. I don’t know why some people get so hyperactive about step kids in the same scenario.
DSD still came as normal but it was awful, DH was stretched so thinly and I was worse than a man down. She then missed next contact as she had such a rubbish time that she didn’t want to come (I was a bit better by then as had found a combination of meds that brought things under control a bit).

Wow I cannot t get past the fact the mother swans odd to a Disney Land every year without her kids either. Ok you are not being unreasonable, stop enables by your dh, he needs to step up and parent.

@SoloMummy

Op has an issue with the fact that her husband has an ex who will be in their lived until the youngest is at least 18...probably the duration.

You're determined to ensure the narrative is that OP feels a certain way so you're not taking on board what she is actually saying.

She loves these kids and has a good relationship with them. She is having a difficult pregnancy and you're essentially shaming her for not carrying on with business as usual.

You say you had it too and soldiered on - that's good for you but it doesn't mean everyone has to deal with it the same way.

It's clear you're not going to accept how the OP tells you she feels but as you don't know her, continually telling her how she feels is a bit pointless really.

Whatever @solomummy I'm not even reading your posts anymore as you've proven you can't actually read the thread properly and clearly have your own agenda.

@emilybrontescorsett crazy isn't it. Thank you. I'm feeling better today and hopeful these new meds I have from the hospital can touch it and I can try and have a nice day.
@youseethethingis I'm so glad you found something that worked for you in the end, fingers crossed!

Want a break from them for genuine reasons? YOU ARE A FAMILY! IF THEY WERE YOURS YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CHOICE

But your DH doesn’t have a choice, does he? They’re his children and he agreed to look after them at this time. Why can his ex not rely on him doing that? I get that the waters are muddied somewhat with the current situation, the fact she doesn’t work etc but is it really unreasonable he does something he said he would? I say that with the caveat that the children need to be his responsibility 100% which should always have been the case, regardless of what you are currently going through.

I cannot t get past the fact the mother swans odd to a Disney Land every year without her kids either

Every single summer this forum is flooded with threads about holidays. The SM consensus is that it is perfectly reasonable for a father to go on holiday and leave the step children behind. Why should it be any different for the mum? Why is dad having a holiday with his partner and family perfect,y reasonable but mum going away with her family ‘swanning off’?,

Why can his ex not rely on him doing that?
By being a decent human being and realises that someone else’s needs are greater than hers right now?

@WishingMatilda I'm sure if they were your DC you wouldn't be having another if you had managed to survive 4 HG pregnancies. You must be feeling dreadfully ill, my friends that suffered used to look green

If you had the DC throughout the last lockdown then the ex is insane to go to CMS as presumably over the last 12 months you have had more like 50:50 care.... let her crack on. When your baby arrives remember to phone up and get it reassessed.

Some parents are just selfish and incapable of putting their DC needs first

Why is dad having a holiday with his partner and family perfect,y reasonable but mum going away with her family ‘swanning off’?,
In many of those cases it’s a question of holiday without the DSC or no holiday at all for the younger children due to schedule clashes, school holiday premium prices etc etc.
If we were tight for cash I wouldn’t be happy for my DS to miss out when his sister certainly isn’t with her mother. However I also wouldn’t think much of DH if we were flush enough for Disney every year if he deliberately arranged for DSDs mother to have her for three weeks so that we didn’t have to bother with her. That’s just a dick move, whichever parent is doing it.

In this case, if the op has hg, she's unlikely to be in any different a position in December and let's get real, lockdown is unlikely to be lifted either.
And why is it so difficult to manage their needs next weekend as well, given they will be at school all day so only need breakfast, dropping to and collecting from school, feeding in the evening.
I don’t think the children should be there if he’s not going to be there. The father is working, the op is unwell and the mum is available. There is nobody else to ask because it’s against the law at the moment.
The op certainly shouldn’t have to do things like school runs!

No matter how the op now tries to spin it, she's not thinking about their needs and the fsct they'll have been looking forward to seeing their dad for 3 weeks.
What would the DSCs do if the op wasn’t around? How would they see their dad then? They wouldn’t until he’s off work to actually look after them.

And let's face it, she then threatens divorce!
I don’t blame her. I would too.

Op has an issue with the fact that her husband has an ex who will be in their lived until the youngest is at least 18...probably the duration.
I don’t think that’s the case at all. She has an issue with the way the her DH and the ex are acting.

Why is dad having a holiday with his partner and family perfect,y reasonable but mum going away with her family ‘swanning off’?

I’m always of the opinion that parents are perfectly entitled to go on holidays alone without children. I was more at the location (Disney) more than anything. Imagine going there without your kids. If she chose a holiday in Spain it would have been different wouldn’t it?

If she chose a holiday in Spain it would have been different wouldn’t it

No. We don’t know the reason behind the choice of location. And even if we did, what difference does it make?

I do take the point, however, that it seems a bit mean to go to Disney and not take your kids but if she’s not paying (OP said her sister paid) then presumably it’s not her choice?

The point remains that NRP can have a holiday without his children whilst the PWC is considered to be ‘swanning off’ if she does.

@Enoughnowstop posters on this forum would absolutely lose their minds if a dad/sm went to Disneyland without the sc. I am someone that defends going on holiday without sc (depending on various circumstances) but even I wouldn't condone that, and it would be absolute WWIII on here if somebody did.

Disney is clearly and squarely aimed at kids. That’s the difference. She’s going on a kids holiday without her actual kids. It’s mean and it’s odd and it’s not the same as going off to Spain for a weeks beach and bars with your best mate or whatever.

The point remains that NRP can have a holiday without his children whilst the PWC is considered to be ‘swanning off’ if she does

To be honest, I think she’s got off lightly. If there was a thread about a nrp going on holiday to Disney Florida with his partner without his children it would have been a lot more vicious.

Me personally, I don’t care if people go on holiday without their children. We all need a break from normal every day life and sometimes it’s nice to do that without children. Yes even NRPs are entitled to do that. But Disney is so child centred that I can’t understand why anyone would go without their children, whether their children have been before or not.

Have you told DH you are feeling.too I'll to look after DSC so if they come he can crack on looking after them. He will have to take time off from work to do so if he refuses to explain to his ex you are unwell. If you were looking after children so his ex could go on holiday now she is no longer going she no longer needs you to help her. I suspect she will want an alternative time off from kids when safe to do so.

OP can you go to stay with your Mum to rest and be pampered whilst you are feeling and being do sick? If you could I would do that. Then DH can sort out his own DC and not expect you to jeopardize your health/pregnancy. I suspect his ex is jealous and worried you having a child together will change the shared parenting arrangements. You DH needs to reassure her he will still do shared care of his children, but she needs to have them for next couple of weeks whilst you are unwell.

YADNBU to look to your husband to care entirely for his dc when you clearly cannot (and - you CLEARLY cannot when so ill).

YADNBU to expect dh to support you rather than stonewall you.

But YABU to expect any of these ‘adults’ to behave differently now than they normally do.

Your ‘d’H has shown you (twice now, in very clear terms) he will never support you in your hour of need. So what is the point (rhetorical question).

If I was in your shoes, OP, quite simply I would take myself off to a hotel. And plan your inevitable divorce - and a life without all this bollox. Just a shame due to lockdown you can’t enlist RL support. I hope you have good friends to support you.