Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

what are your options OP ? are you able to move into someone on your own ? I hope your feeling okay

@BlueThistles not really, with lockdown. I could ask friends but I just feel so guilty putting on them at the moment.

He's being vile and doesnt seem to see what he's done wrong at all. He said he could 'partly' see it. I'm just crying and being sick and crying.

@Frankola I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not with that disney comment.
As has already been said and gets said often to stepparents, they arent mine and they have a perfectly available birth parent who is no longer doing anything, so it's kind of irrelevant 'if they were mine' They're not.

God this is awful, how did you carry on after what happened when you broke your back? He sounds hideous

Hopefully you can get admitted and he will have to look after his kids !

@bigchris RTFT

While you are isolated in your room, get on computer and hire a temporary nurse. If your DH is so busy being "Daddy" you need someone to take care of you.

@wishingmatilda I was being very sarcastic. I think its disgusting to go to Disney every year and not take your kids.

I also agree with your comment that they have a perfectly available birth parent to have them. I'm a step mum myself and have been incredibly frustrated at times by similar situations we have been through with DHs ex.

That being said. Dad is also a perfectly available birth parent too and able to take care of his kids.

It seems to me you have a DH problem in that he isn't standing up to his ex and allowing her to take the piss. Which she is clearly doing.

Your DH needs to stop giving her the option. He should have just said it wasn't possible given the situation and not allowed her wriggle room. He needs to do so in future.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry I meant I WASN'T being sarcastic!

I want to know how she can afford to go to Disney every year when she doesn’t work? Unless I’ve missed that.

You need to look after yourself and let you DH deal with the kids.

@Frankola ah I see, yes I totally agree!

@iloveacurry Mental isn't it. Apparently her sister pays, although she doesnt work work either so it's all rather odd.

Of course you're not unreasonable, if she's no longer going away and you're very unwell as you are, surely any sensible compassionate adults would want to lighten your load. There are as usual plenty of anti step parents hunters in mumsnet who will tell you to suck it up no matter what (even though you've been admitted to hospital). So board of the, well you knew he had kids when you married him, yes but did she know she was going to be seriously ill? No ! Therefore plans can be changed and step mums health both mental and physical can also be prioritised when necessary.

So sorry your husband is being so stupid, don't back down, he needs to get this. Sending you loads of love and support, have been where you are, still being subjected to a stupid x.

Oh dear, I would recommend you stay in bed, watch TV, order a takeaway, forget they are in the house..take care of yourself

Hi Matilda I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through, I struggled with HG through both my pregnancies and can I just recommend (if you’re not already in there!) that you join the Mumsnet thread especially for fellow sufferers?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/4011907-Hyperemesis-Support

Honestly, I found it a lifeline being able to moan to people who totally understood. And there’s lots of helpful advice on medication and things to try to eat/drink. And absolutely no one recommends ginger.

Sending you immense solidarity.

I had HG and spend most of pregnancy in hospital. It was horrible & left me feeling incredibly fragile & vulnerable. I struggled to do anything.

Ex’s new wife had a couple of really tired patches in her pregnancy & found the first months tough. I was happy to change contact to help. This was even though the once I asked their help to have DC overnight outside of usual schedule (I was on day 5 of a 38 fever with flu & parenting a young child alone) they declined.

My point is can’t control other people or rely on their being supportive but you can put yourself & your baby first. HG is very tough, make yourself the priority. Stay with your Mum if needed to get respite.

Big hugs x.

Is there any family you can go to? I'd walk out and never look back-what a nasty motherfucker you're chained to-divorce him ASAP

OP, I would go and stay with a family member, or pack some stuff and book a week in a reasonably priced hotel.

I don't blame you for saying you want a divorce. He's not stepping up here.

Yadnu, its actually a bit ridiculous so as a household you struggle but his ex gets to have a lengthy relaxing break...

But you know that, I'm sorry OP hes putting you behind his ex, what's the point of being married? Hope you feel a bit better soon

Lockdown cancelling the ex's holiday is irrelevant really.

You and your oh were to have the children for the next few weeks. That hasn't changed.

You have hg (I did too I will add from 5.5 weeks upto and including Labour), but that doesn't change the arrangements and tbh really should not. What happens if you're like I was? Should he not have the children at all for the next 32-34 weeks?

Yes they're not your biological children and tbh you're starting to sound quite resentful of him having children now you're pregnant.

Whether you agree or not, you married someone and part of that was taking on the role of sm. So not biologically related, but you're sm and are going to have to juggle the hg and accept this role you've accepted.

And believe me, there will be plenty more times you'll feel like death warmed up and have to carry for a child, be it baby or sc.

And if you believe he's so spineless, wtf have a baby with him?!

The fact you've been discharged from a and e means though you feel as rough as can be, you're actually in a better position than you believe. So try to focus on this.

Have the weekend, but really you need to be focussing on the bigger picture. You're a part of a blended family. So you need to get up and spend some time with your family too.

What's the alternative? You blow this out of proportion? Divorce? Then potentially only have your baby 50% of their life? Is this really worth that?

@SoloMummy
OP stated in her first post that she didn’t want to change the normal contact schedule, she just doesn’t see why they should stick with the solid 3 week block for no reason when everything has changed.
What’s relevant here is that even pregnant, sick and vulnerable, what she needs is of little importance to her H compared with what his ex wants and now she’s questioning whether she wants to stay married if that’s the case.
OP is also clearly very close to her DSC so your guilt trippy little post is wide of the mark.

You poor thing, ginger ale and dry crackers were all I could manage, and I didn’t have HG.
Take care of yourself💐

Have you got a mum or dad or sister or anyone you could stay with while he has the children.
Out of sight out of mind. If he struggles, then he will appreciate it when you are back. Maybe then he will have a backbone when it comes to the ex.

[quote Youseethethingis]@SoloMummy
OP stated in her first post that she didn’t want to change the normal contact schedule, she just doesn’t see why they should stick with the solid 3 week block for no reason when everything has changed.
What’s relevant here is that even pregnant, sick and vulnerable, what she needs is of little importance to her H compared with what his ex wants and now she’s questioning whether she wants to stay married if that’s the case.
OP is also clearly very close to her DSC so your guilt trippy little post is wide of the mark.[/quote]
The 3 weeks block was agreed. Regardless of the reasons for it.
That should still happen.
The children are aware of the plan. So yes they should still get their time with their dad!
It's unfortunate op has hg, but as a previous hg sufferer of 37 weeks, I can still say, life goes on.