Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

Op I’m glad to read your update. You need this calm and it will really do you some good.
Their mum will be able to have some bonus time with her children which she wouldn’t have had if she went on holiday While you put your feet up with a bucket and no need to worry about anybody else but you.

Why on earth would they still stay for 3 weeks when she's not even going anywhere? Of course you'd expect normal contact to resume if her holiday is cancelled. I can't imagine why any parent would not want it to if they were just going to be at home anyway?

If me and DH were going on a holiday that was then cancelled we wouldn't just tell the DSCs mum that we still weren't going to have the kids for the time we'd have been away. Why would we?

YANBU.

Just imagining the uproar if a SM posted to say their holiday had been cancelled but they still didn't want to have the SC for 2 weeks even though they'd just be at home.

Something tells me that wouldn't be okay and that mum wouldn't be told to just do what she'd said she was going to and look after the kids because what her exH does with his childfree 2 weeks is none of her business.

Just imagining the uproar if a SM posted to say their holiday had been cancelled but they still didn't want to have the SC for 2 weeks even though they'd just be at home

Very good point. I've pointed that out to DH as I think now they've gone back to school he has Disney dad guilt. We're literally having them overnight tomorrow and Thursday but I'm still feeling guilty.
Their mum has kicked off I think but I've told DH I don't want to know, I don't need to know and I'm too ill to deal with her shit anymore.

Just fed up

If your husband had already agreed to have the children he really should have honoured that agreement. The mother isn’t the default parent , your husband has as much responsibility as her. It’s not really for you to judge what she does in that time, it’s irrelevant. You only have them 40% of the time so not unreasonable that she’s asked for an extra few days. It is unreasonable if he is expecting you to look after them.

@BungleandGeorge

If your husband had already agreed to have the children he really should have honoured that agreement. The mother isn’t the default parent , your husband has as much responsibility as her. It’s not really for you to judge what she does in that time, it’s irrelevant. You only have them 40% of the time so not unreasonable that she’s asked for an extra few days. It is unreasonable if he is expecting you to look after them.

If a step mother posted here that the holiday they were going on without the children had been cancelled but they didn't want to see the SC still for the amount of time they'd have been away, would you say that was okay?

I wouldn't. It seems ridiculous to me that a parent would want to sit at home for nearly 3 weeks and not see their children.

60/40 is not far off 50:50, he isn't an EOW parent by the sounds of it. And it's not an extra few days, it's nearly 3 weeks isn't it?

I'm just trying to imagine explaining to my children that I didn't want to see them for 3 weeks even though I was just going to be at home.

It's weird and I highly doubt anyone would think it were okay if dad were doing this.

I suspect a lot of the comments would be that mum shouldn't have to use her leave so he can have 3 weeks at home, the circumstances have changed and he should resume normal contact if he's not going away now.

I don’t care which parent it is, if you’ve agreed to have the children, you have them. It’s really nothing to do with your ex what you do with the time and it’s not up to them to judge or accuse you of neglecting the children. If Dad doesn’t have them for the 3 weeks does that mean he ‘has to explain that he doesn’t want to see them for the entire 3 weeks’? He made a commitment, if it’s not convenient for other parent to change then he needs to honour that commitment. Kids are expecting to spend that time with their Dad. What the ex does or does not do with that time is no concern of Dad and even less concern of step mum. If it’s a problem both parents agree to take a 3 week period each. If the parent themselves were ill then it would be different

If your husband had already agreed to have the children he really should have honoured that agreement. The mother isn’t the default parent , your husband has as much responsibility as her. It’s not really for you to judge what she does in that time, it’s irrelevant. You only have them 40% of the time so not unreasonable that she’s asked for an extra few days. It is unreasonable if he is expecting you to look after them.

He agreed to have them so that she could go on holiday. Now that the holiday isn’t happening and she can’t really do anything else in its place, then really the agreement should be cancelled too if it’s no longer convenient, which it isn’t because the op isn’t well.

If the mum was on holiday then then there would be no virus or lockdowns or restrictions, and there wouldn’t have been the pressure like there is now. Things would presumably been more relaxed. The dad would have been able to take his children out to give the op some space or ask someone else to look after them for these 3 weeks or just while he works so the OP isn’t left doing it.
But that isn’t the case now. The mum is at home and it makes no sense for this arrangement to carry on just out of principle.

If it was the other way around and the dad said no I want 3 weeks at home childfree so I won’t be having them as I wasn’t meant to be having them anyway. Can you imagine the responses and how people would lose their minds? But yet it’s ok for the mum to do it. I’m not bothered if the mum has the children an extra 10%. The op and her DH don’t owe the ex these 3 weeks. They should have had the option to opt out of the deal when the original plans were cancelled. The op certainly owes the ex fuck all.

We have been in this situation and when the holiday was cancelled the agreement reverted to normal contact arrangements. Things like this are agreed as an exception to normal arrangements for specific reasons, so it wouldn't make any sense to me for that arrangement to continue if the reason for the arrangement was no longer there.

I imagine Dad would get lots of comments like DONT YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN?!?!?

Each to their own but I can't imagine sitting at home for 3 weeks and not seeing my kids for literally no reason 🤷

And I don't care what anyone says, the answers would 100% be different if it were OP and her husband proposing this.

if the parent themselves were ill then it would be different

And there we have it. There it is in black and white. Be a parent to them, love them like your own, accept them, make sacrifices for them, oh but if you're genuinely, - hospital- admitted- sick?
Nope, you're not their parent so suck it up.

Thank you to all the posters who have given worthwhile and balanced advice, it really has made me see I am not BU. The kids will be back here tomorrow night and thursday night as per usual contact arrangements, but I'll be damned if I'm looking after them with severe sickness, while pregnant, whilst their mum sits on her arse at home. (New update by the way - she said one of the reasons was because she wanted time to watch Strictly alone. That's not a joke)

So, no, she isn't some poor, put upon ex wife with a neglectful ex husband and evil stepmum. This is someone who has told us we can have the kids full time so long as we give her the same amount of CMS. Forgive me for not bending over backwards to accommodate.

I am still being very sick so need to go to bed for a bit now.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to revert back to normal contact arrangements given she isn't going away and there is pretty much zero she can do regardless!

By the sounds of it he is trying to keep the peace which isn't always the best approach but neither should his ex take advantage or threaten things each time she doesn't get her own way.

It might be worth a calm conversation just explaining to him that the issue is not the kids but his wanting to keep the peace constantly means that his ex now takes advantage a bit. Especially given hospital visits etc.

I hope you feel better soon OP and the meds work.

Just read your update wow what a piece of work and that's not how child maintenance works...... 🙄

OP you were not unreasonable.

An agreement was made - fine. But then circumstances changed for both parties, so that the original agreement cannot be upheld. Also fine.

FWIW you sound like a lovely SM and very caring towards the children. You speak fondly of them and seem to care for them a lot. I have a feeling that if you were not ill you would uphold the agreement, despite the mother being sat on her arse for 3 weeks not doing anyway.

To me that is nuts. She is their mother and I assume primary carer. I have no problem with her having holidays (although Disney without the kids is weird - that's my view) but she isn't on holiday now. So theres no reason why she isn't looking after them.

Also your DH does need to assert boundaries - if one of you are ill, their mother needs to step up. That's what should happen in a co-parenting relationship. The reverse is also true - if she was ill, then she should contact your DH to get him to take the children, which it sounds like she already would do that.

Anyone saying 'stick to the agreement' is just being pedantic for the sake of the argument. Possibly because your a step mum (don't know why you sound like a really caring sm) or because they don't have the same level of support.

But boundaries do need to be put in place. And if she pushes it - definitely get the CMS re-looked at. She will be losing money if you are practically 50/50. And it would be no less than she deserves.

I hope you feel better soon.

Access arrangements are for the benefit of the children, not the parents. OP's DH agreed to a 3 week block of access as a favour to their mum for her to do something specific i.e. go on holiday. Now that the circumstances which brought about that agreement/commitment no longer exist he has no obligation, moral or otherwise, to uphold that arrangement especially with OP being so unwell. It's not like he's an EOW dad needing to snatch precious extra time with his DC.

OP I hope you feel better soon.

Don't CSA ask for the number of overnight stays in a year? So if you had them for lockdown she probably owes you maintainence for the year as a whole?!

Mumsnet are nearly always against the step parents no matter what! You're not being unreasonable. You need to rest, not look after other people's kids. I think the fact their mum doesn't work does in fact have relevance: people who don't work never understand the difficulties for those that do! (Speaking from the perspective of someone with a child and working as a nurse currently it's exhausting). And having a holiday from her kids must be a nice thought but actually when do you get that? Maybe compromise and have them for a week , then she gets that break, then the next week you stay off work and actually have a break? That's what I would do.

Reading through a bit more of the thread, the mum sounds utterly mental being so obsessed with Disneyland and never taking her kids 😅. I never understand why people have kids then try and palm them off on to anyone who will have them every chance they get either. I would miss mine horrendously if I were on holiday without them for 3 weeks....

if they were your own children you would have to deal with them whilst being ill

@bg21

if they were your own children you would have to deal with them whilst being ill

Irrelevant. They aren't her children.

Even if the DH agrees to have them still (which is daft imo) OP should not have to do anything in terms of care, he can take 3 weeks off and do it.

She is ill and they are not her children. You can say 'if they were' all you like, it doesn't make it so. They have two parents, of which OP is neither.

@LemonPeonies

Reading through a bit more of the thread, the mum sounds utterly mental being so obsessed with Disneyland and never taking her kids 😅. I never understand why people have kids then try and palm them off on to anyone who will have them every chance they get either. I would miss mine horrendously if I were on holiday without them for 3 weeks....

I’m sure the father has been on holiday without the kids at some stage.

What the ex does with her 3 weeks child free time was HER BUSINESS.

The 3 weeks were purely to facilitate an extended holiday outside of the regular contact arrangement. If the holiday is cancelled arrangements should revert back. Reading updates it would seem this has reluctantly happened.

It wouldn't have hurt to have juggled the arrangements whilst OP was in hospital/acutely unwell on their contact weekend. The argument that if they were your own children you'd just have to get on with it is presumptuous at best. If I've been very unwell (thankfully rarely) I have sought help with my children.

She sounds awful, OP.

Your DH has to step up and deal with her foolish demands.

The argument that if they were your own children you'd just have to get on with it is presumptuous at best. If I've been very unwell (thankfully rarely) I have sought help with my children

And completely irrelevant because they aren't. No matter how you twist it or look at it or try to make it fit, they aren't OPs children. She is not responsible for their care. If DH wants to have them for 3 weeks he can take 3 weeks off work because his wife, who is too ill to do so, is no longer able to assist (which she was never obligated to do in the first place).

And sorry but I still don't get why anyone would want to sit at home for 3 weeks instead of see their children. Dad's get called all sorts for only seeing their children EOW.

@bg21

if they were your own children you would have to deal with them whilst being ill

Equally if her DH didn't have children OP would have no children to deal with at all right now.

Likewise if they were her own children she'd be free to enlist help from her own family or make whatever alternative arrangements as she saw fit.

Whataboutery is pointless.